growing up

[Goodbook]

I'd like to know at what point do you feel you are grown up, and..is it wrong to want to stay young forever?

What does spiritual maturity look like...
And what happens if there's circumstances retarding your growth...what can you do? Is it up to us..I mean, God gives the growth.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Hmm... I don't think it's wrong to want to stay young forever per say, but it would be wrong to not want to learn anything and stay naive forever, that would be problematic. I find that people who are completely dedicated to the Lord have a great air of youth about them even in their later years - case in point an 86 year old woman at my church who was jumping up and down at one point during her testimony on Monday to demonstrate how she feels like a teen and has no fear because she trusts completely in God. Try reading the book of Proverbs and just ask God to daily give you wisdom and guide you and help you grow. Definitely can't go wrong by asking your Heavenly Father, the author & finisher of all things, to help you grow in wisdom and in His love

 

[BFine]

I'd like to know at what point do you feel you are grown up, and..is it wrong to want to stay young forever?

*I tend to believe that...
We are always "growing up"-- as you advance in years, there's more stuff to
find out since you've never been 30,40,
50 and so on...body changes, one mind/brain may slow down /and or
deteriorate etc.

Our spirit/soul doesn't age...our earth
suits do though.
I believe you can be young at any age,
it doesn't mean you have to get face lifts,
collagen injections or botox, liposuction etc. The things I enjoyed as a child, I still enjoy... ever so often I take out Charlotte's
Web and read it, the same goes for Anne of
Green Gables etc, I still enjoy coloring, fingerpainting, twirling around, splashing mud-puddles LOL!

One of my favorite places to shop is
a toy store, since I live in Canada, I'm
a Mastermind fan...I love their stuff!
I also enjoy Toy Traders...it's a big toy
store and they carry all sorts of toys,
collectables... old/vintage toys/games/
comic books, movie memorabilia.
It's a good way to entertain one's self
when you're bored lol!

Most accept that to be mature is to be:
Responsible, being able to function independently--making a living,
providing for your basic needs, taking
care of yourself etc.

Spiritual maturity... to me, it's progressing in the faith, not being stagnant... Following Jesus' example instead of following the world's.

Scripture puts spiritual maturity like this:
Philippians 3: 12-16
Reaching Forward to God’s Goal
12 Not that I have already reached the goal or am already fully mature, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus.

13 Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead,
14 I pursue as
my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus.

15 Therefore, all who are mature should think this way. And if you think differently about anything, God will reveal this also to you.
16 In any case, we should live up to whatever truth we have attained.

 

[Goodbook]

Hmm I guess..we cant say we there yet. According to that scripture. But we keep growing.
Whether its fast or slow...depends on God. I suppose the only thing that will stop us growing is a really harsh winter...or the enemy coming to cut us down.

As for maturity in other things. Well, the 'making a living' part. For a man thats easy, you just find a job. But for a woman not so. For a woman its find a man who has a job. This is what im wondering about. When is a girl really a woman?

Do you have to live apart from your parents to be independent? Arent you dependent in some ways on people around you no matter where you are? What if your parents smother you and dont let you be independent? And then when you try..they mock your efforts.

 

[Goodbook]

Hmm i still enjoy the things I enjoyed as a child..creating, reading, dreaming. Although I dont frequent toy stores...i dont think I will give up having playing and having fun.

I think some adults do though. But maybe these adults never had any fun when they were young anyway.

 

[BFine]

Hmm I guess..we cant say we there yet. According to that scripture. But we keep growing.

Whether its fast or slow...depends on God. I suppose the only thing that will stop us growing is a really harsh winter...or the enemy coming to cut us down.

As for maturity in other things. Well, the 'making a living' part. For a man thats easy, you just find a job. But for a woman not so. For a woman its find a man who has a job. This is what im wondering about. When is a girl really a woman?

*Where I was born and raised a girl was considered as becoming a woman when
she began to experience bodily changes for example: having her menstrual cycle.

Becoming a woman didn't mean she was
able to be own her own, support herself,
it just meant her body was developing and
it was time to teach her about taking care
of herself, how to conduct herself around
males, being more mindful of personal care during her menstrual cycle etc.

Do you have to live apart from your parents to be independent? Arent you dependent in some ways on people around you no matter where you are? What if your parents smother you and dont let you be independent? And then when you try..they mock your efforts.

*Are you meaning interdependent?
Yeah, we are to help each other, encourage
one another, pray for each other, forgive
one another etc.

Smothering parents... are your parents
smothering you?
If so, in what way/ways?

I lived with my mom and I was independent,
worked a job, provided for my own upkeep, took
of my own business etc.
Not sure how mom could of hindered or prevented
me from being independent?
The only good roommate I could count on was her,
friends sure didn't make good roommates.
By living with my mom, I socked away money after
I landed the better paying job working for that wealthy
family...many times, I lived in their home and or could
stay as late as I wanted, the downstairs was like
my own area, the family usually retired early or took
supper in their respective rooms, after they were served
I could stay or leave.

 

[ValleyGal]

Some very good questions, Goodbook.

As for maturity in other things. Well, the 'making a living' part. For a man thats easy, you just find a job. But for a woman not so. For a woman its find a man who has a job. This is what im wondering about. When is a girl really a woman?

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. I live in Canada, and so for me, it's not about finding a man who has a job. When a girl is really a woman is when she becomes responsible to God for herself. When someone learns responsibility - all kinds of responsibility - it is a sign of maturity.

Do you have to live apart from your parents to be independent? Arent you dependent in some ways on people around you no matter where you are? What if your parents smother you and dont let you be independent? And then when you try..they mock your efforts.

Being able to depend on others in your life and your community is part of interdependence, and that is healthy. But depending on others becomes unhealthy when we cross that verse that says "Carry your own load" (that is, the day-to-day responsibility of everyday life) with "carry one another's burdens" (the extraordinary things that happen in our lives that can become burdensome like suffering a trauma, dealing with chronically difficult people, etc). Being independent is about carrying your own load.

For some people, their "load" may be a burden to someone else. For example, my own load is going to work every day to support my family, and maintaining a home together with my husband where God's peace is paramount. But for my son, who has an anxiety disorder, going to work every day is a burden because of his illness - it is out of the ordinary, even though going to work is ordinary for most people. And my husband and I share his burden - he lives with us even as an adult, and we encourage him, help him fight his anxiety, teach him responsibility, etc.

For me, I aim to be dependable and interdependent rather than dependent and co-dependent.

 

[Goodbook]

Ok im confused now.
I was brought up to be completely independent..i had never heard of the word interdependent.
That backfired of course because mum somehow needed me, she couldnt actually let me go. Maybe being the middle child had something to do with it.

I just keep getting mixed messages from people.
On one hand make it on your own, dont be a burden and mouth to feed.
On the other stay and count yourself lucky we supporting you (mum)

Then from ppl..what, you still living at home? Loser.
Then...im not an old maid yet...but some ppl start judging you on not being married.

I have flatted and lived away from home before. Costing a lot of money to do that. I dont need to be spoonfed, but mum cant help but constantly needle me like im her baby and tell me what to do.

I come and go as i please yet she doesnt like it and worries.
I buy my own food, she doesnt like that either.

Dad hates the constant arguing mum generates..everyday she says something horrible and critical to me like..you never do xxx. If i do do something its never proper.

Somedays i think what is the point. I will not make her happy, its not my job. Then when im sick, its made out like its my fault for being weak. Sometimes i dont know why i was even born. Oh and she says nobody would want to marry me as not rich or highclass and pretty.

;-( if only some christian mum would adopt me.

 

[Goodbook]

I would say going to work was a burden. I can only handle maybe 3 months and then i get bored. Although i stayed in the same job for over 7 years..and that was long enough for me.
That stressed me out and i got burned out. Im much happier out of it and working for myself. Im not a fan of slavery.

 

[Goodbook]

I was just told, on starting my menstrual cycle..wear a pad. That was it.

I think i would have liked maybe a proper girl become woman talk at least..but mum never said anything. I had to buy my own bra and get it all fitted. I dont even know how to properly apply makeup.

I think mum just expects me to work. But theres no incentive...i dont get any reward, just bullying for it.

 

[Goodbook]

I have never asked my mum for anything yet she constantly wants to interfere with my life. Its like if someone calls me on the phone she thinks its her business who it is. If i have a job its her job. If i buy a car its her car.
I cant give anything away she hoards it. If i chuck something out shell pick it out if the rubbbish bin.
She will say im not allowed to buy anything with my own money.
If she gives me any she then says dont spend it.

I cant go on holiday cos i might get sick. Or..i cant walk by myself in my own neighbourhood to take a book back to the library. ????

 

[Hospes]

You mum does what she does probably because it works for her.

It sounds to me like what is best for her and you is for you to move out on your own, leaving what sounds like a pretty twisted relationship with your mum.

 

[BFine]

Goodbook, I took care of my mom since I was
a young girl, my brothers did their own thing
for a long time...there were the rare times they
would do something here and there but it
wasn't on a consistent basis.
In the last several years my middle brother
took on the role of being there 24/7 for mom.
Even now, she's in the nursing home and he visits her each day.

It's OK to say no.
You can do that respectfully and stand your ground.
My mom could of demanded whatever she wanted, it doesn't mean she was going to get it
or get her way every single time.
Believe you me she made demands!

I went on vacation whether she approved or not... I know to purchase travel insurance
and go on escorted tours and hire a reputable
taxi service. Sure I could go off on my own and do whatever, but for mom's peace of mind, I made sure she knew how to get a hold of me
and let her know my itinerary...I didn't travel
until I was in my thirties because by then I
had a great paying job and could afford to go
places.
I was on speed dial with the local garage and
tow service. I never left home without a sweater,
didn't matter if it was 100 degrees outside, I had
my sweater lol...mom was at peace with that.
When I had a date, my mom had to meet him and she
always made sure I had money for a taxi, according to her: "You never know if he will get
out of line and you'll need to get your own way
back home." Was she ever right? yes.

I lived with my mom until I was 37 years old,
then I got married and mom moved into a senior's apartment complex and had weekly in-home caregivers/CNAs.

My mom didn't throw me a party when I told her
I would be moving to Canada (following my
announced engagement.)
That was OK with me...I sat and held her as she
cried her eyes out.
Years later when she told me about her mind not
always being "on track" we both cried and then
we got ourselves together and made an appointment to see a lawyer, to draw up the
continual power of attorney and the DNR...
we did that in 2004.

 

[Goodbook]

Moving to canada sounds really good right now. From what I hear, Its not even cold.
But..im probably too old. Also, i dont fancy working on a ski field, which is the job they want foreigners to do. Im a terrible skier.

I told my mum if she really wants me to have a job, I will go work in a london pub.
At least they offer accomodation. And hire people.

There are no jobs for english teachers, which is what i recently trained in. They need you to have at least 2 years experiece, and plus, any that are hiring want you to work for nothing. I saw some overseas packages expect you to pay for the privelige of working.

Sorry, moving out does not seem feasible. I dont want to end up being a solo mums husband subsititute. Where do peoole go anyway when they move out? Ive got nowhere to move to and no steady income. People say, oh move out, but where? They not inviting me to move in with them. Staying with My brothers are worse than staying with mum..

Sometimes i just feel like the daughter who gets used.

 

[Goodbook]

Bfine..In your experience pastoring/counselling does every family have a daughter that the mum holds on to as a caregiver? Even if they dont really want to be, thats the role theyve assigned to their child?

 

[High Fidelity]

I think it's important to stay young at heart to some extent. There will always be things I find hilarious that are silly.

One of the things I love the most about my girlfriend is that we can both be ridiculous. We can both seriously say we'll buy dinosaur bed sheets (We love Jurassic Park ) and build forts out of bedding and watch movies in there with juice boxes and snacks.

Yes, to many that's immature, but we're both mature enough in our day-to-day life. To us that's just something that's fun and I hope that never changes.

I think actual maturity comes when you start taking responsibility for things and become more forward-thinking; being more responsible financially, like saving, being more frugal where necessary etc.

Spiritual maturity on the other hand, I don't know. I think most people would define it differently. The studious mind may consider themselves spiritually mature when they're able to discuss a lot of things in depth, whereas another may consider spiritual maturity as being well-read enough to quote a lot of Scripture off the top of their heads, or the ability to explain to others what a certain verse means etc.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. As long as you aren't being irresponsible, I think maturity is something you experience at particular moments that make you consider it more so than something you necessarily consider yourself to be from a set moment.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

I have a similar experience to you with the mom situation. My mom is very much like yours. It's taken prayer on my end to help change things, and guess who was the one who ended up changing? Meeeee. Lol, well God made the changes. Maybe praying for God to help you deal with the situation will help you get through yours too? Also, try setting more firm boundaries as you are able. Sometimes pushing back against the tight boundaries that are already in place is the only thing that will help.

 

[Goodbook]

Well, mum expects me to change into this compeltely different model daughter then gets frustrated that it doesnt seem to be happening...

So I dont know. Ive asked God loads of times..I just dont understand. Sometimes I think Im just really dense and not getting what people my age should be getting or grasping by now.

As for jurassic world...well, I thought that was a fun movie. I dont know about the forts and stuff though. My juvenile thing is to sing along to high school movie musicals and also, pretend Im in a group back in the 60s singing those teen songs. Like. One Fine Day and shoop shoop song. And get melodramatically heart broken if someone doesnt like me that I like.

 

[BFine]

Bfine..In your experience pastoring/counselling does every family have a daughter that the mum holds on to as a caregiver? Even if they dont really want to be, thats the role theyve assigned to their child?

*Goodbook:
I was a caregiver for over two decades...
countless times I have encountered
heartbreaking situations involving sick/
or aging parents and their adult children
who were assigned roles that they didn't
want but went along with the "program"
for whatever reason(s).

Too often this type of situation leads to bitterness/resentment and abuse, the
adult child fulfills the role assigned but
in time this "surrender" causes them to
resent their parent.

My situation...
It was never in me to not to seek a life of my
own...no matter what others said or tried to
do to convince/manipulate me to be this
obedient daughter who wasn't ever to leave
her mom and be married /or live single in my
own little place somewhere...cue the song
"Wouldn't It Be Loverly?"

There was only so much I'd let slide but if
mom started trying to manipulate or guilt me,
I'd bow out for a time, go for a walk or a nice
long drive (when I got a car.)
You gotta combat manipulation-- words
spoken do have an effect on you, so
get on your spiritual armor...renewing
your mind on God's Word, prayer and seeking
quiet places to relax/meditate on scripture
or sing God a new song or write your own
psalm etc.

Philippians 4:8
"Furthermore, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are worthy love, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, or if there be any praise, think on these things."

 

[Messy]

The houses are so expensive in the States. In Holland you can live on your own when you have an income of say 1200 a month, get a cheap apartment for 400 or 500 and live on your own. If you study and have 600 a month you can live with a few others in a house and just live cheap and use a bike since you don't need a car.