Godly wives in difficult marriages

[CindyisHis]

This is mostly to wives who are believers in the Lord Jesus Christ and follow Him, and are married to men who are not, or who are believers but not fully walking with the Lord.

My husband and I are going through difficult times financially, and it spills over affecting our marriage. At times I think the mess we're in, as a husband and wife, is because of my husband. I follow the Lord with all my heart, keeping His command and loving Him, believing Him and honoring Him, so it must be my husband's fault if things aren't going well. After all, He devotes little to no time to the Lord on a daily basis, and values other things more highly. He admits himself that He doesn't hear the voice of the Lord. That in itself is rather scary, but I best not get into all that. With all that in mind, I have been praying, asking the Lord what to do about him. How do I respond when he loses his cool? When he makes bad financial decisions? When he conceals matters a husband and wife need to talk about? I thought I'd hear something like, love him, bear with the weak, fast and pray for him, or the like. I heard quickly, "Let him be the boss". :o

I am reading and studying this, for I must think His thoughts on it.
1 Peter 2: 18-20 You who are servants, be good servants to your masters—not just to good masters, but also to bad ones. What counts is that you put up with it for God's sake when you're treated badly for no good reason. There's no particular virtue in accepting punishment that you well deserve. But if you're treated badly for good behavior and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God.
21-25 This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step.

He never did one thing wrong,
Not once said anything amiss. The Message

1 Peter 3:1 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over 2 by observing your pure and reverent lives.

5 This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. 6 For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do. NLT

Yes, Lord. I receive this correction and change the attitude of my heart.

Though I did not belittle my husband, preach at him, or condemn him, in my heart I thought poorly of him, thinking he is making wrong decisions. Though I did not get angry, or use harsh words, I tried to get him to do things my way, which I believe is a better way. It is. But that doesn't matter. God is looking at my heart, and He has said how I am to respond to my husband.

Yes, Lord. And I will regard him highly for the office he holds, much the same way I do those in civil authority, or my boss at work. I will speak to him as such, and be attentive to what he says. I will remember it is the Lord whom I serve, and I will treat him as I would my Lord. Only if my husband asks me to disobey the Lord will I oppose myself in any way. Even when those in authority make wrong decisions, whether it is slaying the innocent by abortions, or squandering money, I still must respect them. Whether it is the president siding against Israel or a husband speaking harshly to me, I must honor them.

 

[pdudgeon]

this takes a lot of learning, Cindy.

one of the hardest things i had to learn was that i was not responsible for my husband's salvation or for his behaviour before the Lord---he was!
Moreover he was also responsible before the Lord in how he treated me.
So husbands have a double responsibility, as it were.

and put in there too, ' A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.' Proverbs 15:1
I've had to learn that the Lord will correct my husband in the same manner that He corrects me, and that God's correction is always much better than mine could ever be.

and one more thing...i've also learned that sincere appologies are very sweet in the ears of a loved one, and they are open to receiving that kind of learning because it comes from a beautiful spirit..

 

[Catherineanne]

At times I think the mess we're in, as a husband and wife, is because of my husband.

How do I respond when he loses his cool? When he makes bad financial decisions? When he conceals matters a husband and wife need to talk about?

If your husband is not strong at making financial decisions, it is simply not good enough to say he is in charge, and absolve yourself of all responsibility in this area. If he is not strong in this area, you need to sit down and discuss how you can sort this out, together. You say you know better than he does; that is easy to say, but not so easy to achieve. But if it is true there is no excuse whatever for washing your hands and letting him carry on making mistakes, and thinking it is not your problem. Eve was created as a helpmeet for Adam, not to watch him falling into holes and then shrug her shoulders.

It is not his fault if you are in difficulty. It is the responsibility of both of you to work out what you can afford, what you cannot afford, and behave accordingly.

Wives are not children, there to do as they are told all the time. Neither are husbands to be expected to bear all the burdens of adulthood alone.

So, my advice would be, less fairy tale thinking and a bit more hard work at making your marriage work. Which means both of you working to make it do so, not just him doing all the worrying, and you coasting along in the back seat, enjoying the view.

 

[CindyisHis]

one of the hardest things i had to learn was that i was not responsible for my husband's salvation or for his behaviour before the Lord---he was!
Moreover he was also responsible before the Lord in how he treated me.


and put in there too, ' A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.' Proverbs 15:1

I have lived this scripture out for years, and my husband has said how it has deeply convicted him, just my actions in doing this.

The above what you wrote it true.

 

[CindyisHis]

If your husband is not strong at making financial decisions, it is simply not good enough to say he is in charge, and absolve yourself of all responsibility in this area. If he is not strong in this area, you need to sit down and discuss how you can sort this out, together. You say you know better than he does; that is easy to say, but not so easy to achieve. But if it is true there is no excuse whatever for washing your hands and letting him carry on making mistakes, and thinking it is not your problem. Eve was created as a helpmeet for Adam, not to watch him falling into holes and then shrug her shoulders.

It is not his fault if you are in difficulty. It is the responsibility of both of you to work out what you can afford, what you cannot afford, and behave accordingly.

Wives are not children, there to do as they are told all the time. Neither are husbands to be expected to bear all the burdens of adulthood alone.

So, my advice would be, less fairy tale thinking and a bit more hard work at making your marriage work. Which means both of you working to make it do so, not just him doing all the worrying, and you coasting along in the back seat, enjoying the view.

This has been my stance for years. However, I believe what the Lord was showing me this morning this is a matter of the heart involving attitude, not necessarily the specific actions and conversations. I think it depends on how the man is as to how much a wife can do or say. If he is set upon a certain way, and my bringing up a subject causes him to be wrathful, and to bring strife into our home, particularly in front of our daughter, than it may be best to wait for a more opportune time, a time he may be more receptive, or we are alone. It may take years before he is receptive to some things. Or if I obey the Word of God it may be very soon, for now the Lord will deal with him.

He feels I am questioning and prying as to what the charges on his credit card bill are. He says he never questions how I spend money, true, and since he is the primary wage earner, and was the only one earning wages for years, I make him feel like he can't even go to a convenient store without questions.

Since we have nothing to splurge, I buy nothing extra. I don't think we should. However, I think I need to let it go. If I push, it will end in strife because he will not calmly discuss it though I do not come across accusing or demanding or blaming.

 

[SharonL]

This is a hard one and I am 73 and still have problems with it - I will admit I am free spirited and do not like to be told what to do in an aggressive way and assume that I will have to stand judgement for it.

This one sentence you stated gives me cause for concern:
Even when those in authority make wrong decisions, whether it is slaying the innocent by abortions, or squandering money, I still must respect them. Whether it is the president siding against Israel or a husband speaking harshly to me, I must honor them.
__________________
My understanding on this is we have to respect the office of leadership - husband, president - but not the decisions if they are wrong - as hard as I may try - I cannot honor a man who will slaughter babies. I will respect our new President because of the office he holds - but I do not honor him for his beliefs.

I am not a good one to speak here because even though Peter spoke these passages, I do not believe just because we are Christians we have to lay down and be a door mat.

Peter did not say anything about burning rubber out of the driveway when buttons have been pushed too far. - I know - I'm bad, I'm bad.

 

[CindyisHis]

This is a hard one and I am 73 and still have problems with it - I will admit I am free spirited and do not like to be told what to do in an aggressive way and assume that I will have to stand judgement for it.

This one sentence you stated gives me cause for concern:
Even when those in authority make wrong decisions, whether it is slaying the innocent by abortions, or squandering money, I still must respect them. Whether it is the president siding against Israel or a husband speaking harshly to me, I must honor them.
__________________
My understanding on this is we have to respect the office of leadership - husband, president - but not the decisions if they are wrong - as hard as I may try - I cannot honor a man who will slaughter babies. I will respect our new President because of the office he holds - but I do not honor him for his beliefs.

I am not a good one to speak here because even though Peter spoke these passages, I do not believe just because we are Christians we have to lay down and be a door mat.

Peter did not say anything about burning rubber out of the driveway when buttons have been pushed too far. - I know - I'm bad, I'm bad.

I should expound more, a lot more. But I only time for a little bit more.

Wrong decisions are wrong decisions, and we are not to be in agreement with them. But we still respect them.

When Peter wrote these things they were greatly and severely persecuted under the Roman government, being thrown to lions and dogs in arenas for sport viewed as we do a football game. They were also torched. They prayed and held in honor those in authority for all authority is of God. Not all authority is godly. There is a difference.

Does that clear things up any?

It is as you say, "My understanding on this is we have to respect the office of leadership - husband, president - but not the decisions if they are wrong."

As in all your posts, you display wisdom and godliness.

 

[CindyisHis]

One more thought I need to add...

If husbands do not honor us as equal partners in life, understanding that in Christ there is no male or female and that He has given wisdom to us and we hear from the spirit of God as they are able, then their prayers will go unheard.

Sobering for them.

 

[CindyisHis]

Isn't terrible when one can't spell "marriage"?

Um.....that would be me, in the title of the thread. :o

 

[KleinerApfel]

Cindy, the Lord is gracious and compassionate, rich in love and slow to anger. He's gracious to your husband, He wants to bless your marriage, and He will do so.

Trust Him through this bad patch, and follow His lead - grace for the one not following Him.

May He give you overflowingly abundant grace to keep you and comfort you throughout this period, and hasten your exit out the other side of this tight valley, into a spacious place for you and your husband to breathe again.

 

[KleinerApfel]

So, my advice would be, less fairy tale thinking and a bit more hard work at making your marriage work. Which means both of you working to make it do so, not just him doing all the worrying, and you coasting along in the back seat, enjoying the view.

Gasp!
Now that was just plain mean. Cindy is doing her best to be wise and compassionate as well as practical under a trial and you, knowing nothing about her or her husband, want to blame her for her troubles?

 

[CindyisHis]

Cindy, the Lord is gracious and compassionate, rich in love and slow to anger. He's gracious to your husband, He wants to bless your marriage, and He will do so.

Trust Him through this bad patch, and follow His lead - grace for the one not following Him.

May He give you overflowingly abundant grace to keep you and comfort you throughout this period, and hasten your exit out the other side of this tight valley, into a spacious place for you and your husband to breathe again.

Thank you. How encouraging. Yet, "this period" has been the whole duration of our marriage. Actually, my marriage has not been that difficult, once I looked to the Lord and not to my husband to make me happy. Too often people expect their mates to fill that void, to make them happy. It is not for me to be loved, but to love. That is what we concern ourselves with. The Lord loves me! What else do I need?

 

[Alpine]

I fixed your title.

 

[CindyisHis]

Aren't you sweet! Thank you.

 

[CindyisHis]

Gasp!
Now that was just plain mean. Cindy is doing her best to be wise and compassionate as well as practical under a trial and you, knowing nothing about her or her husband, want to blame her for her troubles?

That's okay, I forgive her. I don't think she meant it to come across that way. I get her point, and agree. One must speak the truth, which doesn't mean she has lost respect or dishonors her husband. Even prophets, submitted to the King, would give a word from the Lord to them.

 

[NaLuvena]

I'd like to give some advice, from the point of view of a husband who had to "endure a few years" with his wife, before she accepted Christ.

Firstly, we need to believe that God has us in this situation for some purpose of His. Sometimes it gets frustrating when God doesn't reveal the reasons to us, but He tells us to trust Him, and that in the end, it will all work out ok.

Secondly, we tend to think in terms of experiences being good or bad. This is a fallacy. For example, if we make plans to go to the beach and it rains, we say the weather is bad, while the same rain is "good weather" to a farmer who has just sowed his fields. My point is that while you might be suffering in all this, don't lose heart. Hope that God will use all of this to save your husband. If he does turn, it will be because you showed God's love to him in a way no one else could, and when that day comes, all the struggles you are currently going through will be worth it. Trust me...this I can tell you from experience.

Lastly, pray for him. I know sometimes that's the last thing we feel like doing, but don't let your feelings about this get in the way. If you're frustrated, angry, tired, weary, TELL GOD. Tell Him " Father, _________ makes me so angry I could just strangle him!!!! I wish you never gave me ______ as a spouse. Why do I have to suffer like this? But I will do your will, and obey your commands, please strengthen me so that I can live the life you require of me, and please save _________ while you're at it."

We must trust God, that He wants to do so much good for us, and through us. It's when we start to see things from His point of view, and realize that God is doing something with our lives, that we start to accept the tasks He has for us, and that's when God's power flows through us, and we become the "springs of living water".

It's when we reach our limits and say to God "Thy will be done!!" that God starts to work in our lives.

Hang in there!!!! I'll be praying for you!!!!

 

[CindyisHis]

Let me clarify - my husband is saved! The point of this was to bring exhortation to wives. The scripture is the highlight here, not me. However, I did share how it struck me, and what the Holy Spirit showed me specifically.

This thing is not about our marriage, but about doing things God's way. His was is right and always produces good in our lives if we yield to Him.

I'm not angry at my husband, not at all!

 

[CindyisHis]

This is what it's about.

1 Peter 2:18 Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable. 19 For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly.
20 For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.
Christ Is Our Example

21 For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, 22 WHO COMMITTED NO SIN, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT FOUND IN HIS MOUTH;
23 and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;
24 and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.
25 For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.
1 Peter 3

Godly Living

1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
3 Your adornment must not be merely external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses;
4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
5 For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands;
6 just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

 

[peacechild4]

CINDY!! I am with you.. very similar situation here.. between husband and wife.. But my husband is not yet a believer.. YET.. LOL..

I thank you for your encouragement actually you never stop encouraging.. Love never fails.. Isn't that amazing..

I think it is far greater then just the challenge of marriage and money these are kind of the props if you know what I mean.. The way satan has chosen to come through in order to stop us following the LORD.. It is the spiritual battle we are in against satan not flesh and blood.. which JESUS has won.. praise to the LORD.. THIS is something I need to keep in mind always..

These are the scripture that just comes to mind..


7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge- 10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

from Psalm 91

I thank the LORD for these troubles.. I would not know HIM as I do today had it not been this way.. Halleujah..

 

[CindyisHis]

In whatever circumstance, give thanks. Give thanks to the Lord at all times for He is our Deliverer! Our victory is in Christ Jesus.

I will be praying for you and your husband.