Family Crisis :need advice and prayer

[chasesmom]

Hi, I'm in desperate need of advice and prayer.I'm at my wits end and don't really know what to do. Here's my problem, my husband has been using drugs for the past few years. We have been married for 11 years, I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage that are 19 and 15 and we have one son together that is 8. My husband is very loving husband and is completely devoted to our son when he is not using drugs (prescription pain meds and possibly marijuiana) but when he is ,he is verbally abusive to me and has at times shoved me and pulled my hair. I gave him an ultimatum this summer that it was me or drugs and he promised me that he would stop. But, as most addicts do he started using again and the verbal abuse started again. My daughter told my parents about his abuse and they have rightly encouraged me to leave. Well during one of his rampages, my 19 year old daughter started yelling back at him and he told her to leave that our house was not or never had been her home and that if she returned he would have her arrested. So, at this point I left. This was almost 2 weeks ago. But, now he as usual is very apolegetic and is making promises. My family tells me that he is manipulating me and that I should not go back. Generally I would agree with them,but the difference is that he is requesting that he start attending church with me and talk to a minister. He tells me that he knows he had a problem and really wants to deal with it. We have attended church together 3 times and I really feel that he is sincere and that God is answering my prayers. But, the problem is that my daughters have both moved in with my mother who lives 50 miles away and are issuing me an ultimatum that it is them or him. My parents also angry with me and tell me that they feel that I have chosen a man over my children. I love my children very much and feel that I have been a good mother. But, I have my son to consider to, I would really like to have him grow up with his mother and father together if possible. I am a Christian and feel that while it is not in God's plan for me to be abused, it is my duty to help my husband if he sincerely desires help. But, I'm going crazy without my girls and thinking about leaving again. (I've been back home 2 days) and I have spent the whole time crying. I need prayers and advice badly any help appreciated. Sorry so long. Love an prayers.

 

[Stanfi]

Chasesmom,

I'm am really sorry to read about what you are going through. I have never been married, so there is a lot about marital relationships that I do not understand, but I like to try to help people if I can at all. No, I don't think that anyone should be abused, man or woman. I know that it seems more often that women are abused, but I think that it goes both ways. I think a home should be filled with kindness and love, a place of refuge away from everthing that we face in the world.

Anyway, what I do know if that your husband has a problem and needs help. Substance abuse is something that is serious, and not cured overnight. He needs to get better, but he has to want to do it for himself. He won't do it, if he is just doing it to win favor with you, he has to do it for himself, the desire has to come from within.

Also, relationships are based on trust, and once that trust is broken it is hard to get back. Your husband says he wants to get better, then make him show you. Words are cheap!! They cost nothing. Actions speak louder!!

Your husband needs to get in church, but he also needs professional help. He needs to be in a 12 step program, or admitted into a clinic, for rehabilitation.

I would recommend time away from your husband. Make him seek help, and get better. Personally, I think this is something that he needs to do on his own. Perhaps your husband might need you for support to get to better, but getting his family back, may be what it takes to cause him to get serious.

I hope this helps. Praying.

 

[desi]

If he won't quit the drugs by himself you might have to turn him in to the cops in order for him to really quit, after a brush with the legal system. An anonymous tip should do fine. If it scares him straight and save the marriage it will be well worth it.

 

[Breetai]

I don't know if I can give you good advice. It is a very tough situation that you are in. I have prayed for both you and your husband. That's all I can do.

 

[sandman]

Ditto from mrstach

First you don’t take ultimatums from your kids. Understandably they may be scared and hurt and you should not bring them back into that environment until / unless a resolution has been made, and amends has been made between your husband and the kids.

Parents have there concerns about their grandkids, and you, but still despite any advise your get from those of us on this thread or any ultimatums, you need to be the one to trust God to make the correct decisions; but decisions should not be made on what ifs, maybe, or if onlys’ The future is in Gods hands, you deal with the situation in the here and now. {you know what I am talking about}

If any ultimatums are to be given it should be to your husband as follows. Within 2 days He {your husband} is going to NA 2 x a week. Also he needs to get into a detox, he obviously can’t do this on his own he has already proved that. With the detox program comes counseling which will help to figure out the cause of him taking the pills. ………… I just want to see actions, effort, something that shows me he is serious about this.

And lastly you tell him if he ever touches you {shoves or pulls your hair} you are gone …period…………

I have no doubt your husband is sincere about Church and God right now, and my question is never with God who can heal all, and deliver all. But the sincere addicts are a dime a dozen until the heat blows over, and then gradually it is back into the same pattern, not intentionally but it happens; only they are wiser and more deceptive so as not to get caught again.

I know dispute what your husband says he doesn’t feel his addiction is that bad. He knows its wrong, and that he was wrong, but he is scared, scared of loosing you and his family but he still doesn’t think it is all that bad ….like the real addicts

Be ready for the excuses because they will be there ……….Stick to your guns, and trust God in whatever you do, to be the right thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

God Bless

sandman

 

[chilehed]

As a recovering addict with over 16 years clean, my best suggestion would be to find either Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings in your area and start going yourself ON A REGULAR BASIS, like every day if you can. Both of these are fellowships of family members of addicts and alcoholics who meet regularly to share their experience, strengh and hope in order to solve their common problems. Like it or not, addiction and alcoholism are family illnesses, and if you didn't need to go before you sure do now.

Nar-Anon has no website, but you may be able to find meetings in your area.
Al-Anon has a website at http://www.al-anon.org/, and they have meetings all over. If there aren't any Nar-Anon meetings in your area, you can go to Al-Anon.

I also strongly advise that your husband start to REGULARLY attend Narcotics Anonymous (http://www.na.org/) meetings, or Alcoholics Anonymous (http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/) if there are no N.A. meetings in your area. N.A. is where I got clean, and I've never know ANYONE who seriously joined NA or AA who went back to using. The only people I've EVER known who relapsed didn't take the program seriously enough.

In many places you can find NA, AA, or Al-Anon listed in the phone book.

None of these groups are religious; reliance on a higher power that will aid in our recovery is key, but no particular religious system is pushed (just to let you know - you'll run unto all types here). But NA was part of my path back to the Church.

My prayers are with you.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Wow-I'm really sorry. That is a lot to deal with. It's hard when people you love are at odds and you're in the middle.

But you're right-you have a covenant before God with this man, and if you and the kids are safe, and you feel he's sincere in his efforts, and he wants to see a minister and get the habit kicked, he's working to resolve the bond.

I can see how your daughter would be very hurt; that isn't an easy thing to hear. But this man is your husband, and you have a covenant before God, and you both are willing to work it out. No one has a right to give you an ultimatum on your own marriage. I understand she's hurt, but she shouldn't pressure you to break your marriage bond.

If they want to live elsewhere for a time, especially until he has it worked out, that is understandable. And if there's any abuse, certainly they shouldn't be subject to that at all, nor should you.

But if he wants to work it out and your environment is safe...by all means, do.

I'll pray for you.

 

[Salsa_1960]

Another thought is that you might find it very helpful to attend support groups yourself. I know that that is a group called Alanon for people who have close friends and family members who are alcoholic. Perhaps there is something similar with NA or perhaps Alanon would be beneficial to you.

If you don't know how to get hold of an Alanon group, places/people to contact (who would have that information) might be:

• Mental Heath Agency
• Church/Minister
• Hospital
• Women's Abuse Hotline
• Suicide Hotline
• Police Station
• High School Counselor

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Talk is cheap. Your story is the story of many. Time and again the cycle repeats. You gave him a chance already. He has shown that there is no truth to his apologies.
The children do not need to be around this. You do not need to be around this.
He now has to prove to you with evidence in his life that he is a changed man. I would not go back until he has put his money where his mouth is. It might take him a few years, and church. When his life is transformed, then you can talk.

 

[urbanfaerie]

if he's using, and ur his wife, i think u can prolly get him admitted to treatment.

that'll give u time away from him, while he's inpatient. i agree with cheesecake, both u and ur kids do not needa be around him, like this. things may get worse b4 they get better, u needa think of ur childs safety, and ur own, b4 him.

 

[Debi1967]

I am sorry for what you are going through right now and the pain it is obviously causing you. My prayers will be with you. With that I can tell you from practical experience on both sides of the fence that you are in a pretty tough situation and the answers are not going to be easy. But then anything worth having never is. I believe firmly in what the bible teachs and that you have to help your husband through this situation whatever way you can and offer him the support that is necessary. But on the other hand let me make you aware of a few things. An addict is somebody can be very untrustworthy. They do in fact manipulate in order to satisfy their addictive nature. And just like we have to go to any extent necessary to get better they will during the addictive state go to any extent necessary to get the drugs/alcohol necessary to take care of the overwhelming craving for it. This why addiction is so hard to beat and people relapse continually without help. This is also even though many of us do eventually become sober like I have been for almost 5yrs now in the wake of it we lose not only our possessions but our families too. The rate of divorce for us is extremely high. Try this on for size the last figures estimate it at over70% divorce rate. the reason for this is in my story it took me four years to achieve of constantly going back and forth with the longest time being a year and then I relapsed before I achieved constant sobriety. And our motto is that we pick up right where we left off so it continues it's progression only faster every time. I too was much like your husband in that you never knew what I was going to be like and heaven forbid you should tick me off when I was drunk or high that would send me into fits. and then after awhile it also became a learned behaviour so that even when i was sober I had to go to anger management. It is years later and I am divorced because of it but in my case my husband has decided being that we are both Christians to give our marriage another chance. But on the other hand he has wisely in my opinion decided that it would be best to take it carefully and slowly. I have a lot to prove for I am the one that has broken the trust in the marriage. I would say to do the Christian thing and at the same time protect yourself always putting the benefits of your children first and then get some good Christian counseling. And as stated in an above post Alanon is a great place for information and suppot as well.

 

[mamaneenie]

Wow, it's a hard decision. The only person who can make it is you. However, personally I think he needs the time on his own. He needs to realise that he misses you and the children and get his act together so he can have that back. Maybe it will be easier for him to go to church on his own and get the help he needs on his won.

 

[Suzannah]

I am still thinking of you. I am so sorry you are going thru this. Please remember that if your husband is not "in it" for the "long haul" , our Lord, still is.
I am still praying for you.
Love,
Suzannah