Ex cunnubial bliss

[peacechild4]

terrible idea, my ex is sitting here right now LOL... and no, that intimacy is reserved for marriage love... and that is not the relationship we have.
we can get along, but not even emotionally intimately.
I am seeing someone that I love...
so my ex and I are getting along so he can be with his children, that's the most we can do, and looking back it's no wonder we couldn't be married! it's so obvious once out of the emotional and physical tie. sex in marriage, in my opinion, are a product of the emotional oneness, and to have that without the emotional oneness is confusing... now i can see why i was such a confused married person.
hindsight is an interesting phenomenon.

Thank you for sharing this.. its helpful.. it is confusing..

 

[ArohaB]

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[Sandradee0303]

Peacechild4, thank you for the welcome. I have been here for a couple of years but haven't posted much. When I was posting, back in the day, I felt attacked by a few individuals so instead of "arguing" I just quit posting and have only been lurking occasionally.

iambren, I am sorry you are in this situation but happy that you brought up the subject as it would seem there are many of us going through it!


I do believe that it leads to confusion in myself, and see in other's comments that it is a consistent feeling for many of us.

Praying that we all find the peace we look for !

 

[iambren]

What I hate:

We have 2 boys. Lately weve been going to watch our youngest play little league baseball (Shriner's yesterday). Well, we'll sit together in the stands, exchange gossip, talk about parenting, past memories (been 25 years with this woman) and you would think we were 2 adults on a date! We have a lot of stuff that ordinarily would make a marriage.....long story.

But what KILLS me is the strong urge I have to merge with this woman. I want her, but her issues block it. So my issue is how to avoid her enough to not want that "bliss" without avoiding the boys. I love my boys too much to back out of their lives, yet I hurt from her non/love and affection.

 

[peacechild4]

I know brother.. I am in the same situation with my husband.. its all still there.. and you know.. funnily enough.. even though I am now in my 40's I think the whole intimacy package is better now.. we have had better moments in these days then ever in all the 18 years of married life.. why is that?? I want to be around my kids and husband.. it is a beautiful thing.. and with good relations possible but yet all the "other stuff" attached it is cruel.. ohh so cruel... I am away right now from home.. with one of our eldest daughters for university work experience placement.. it is lonely.. I can really understand why people reach out in their lonliness for company..

 

[ArohaB]

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[iambren]

"do you want her back or do you want to have sex with her?"


Well, honestly, I'd like to have sex with her lol lol! It's been a long time.

But yes, I want our marriage and our home reunited serving the Lord and enjoying all that life has to give. Would I want remarriage without sex? No way!!! Doesn't work for me; I don't think it's supposed to.

 

[peacechild4]

Peacechild4, thank you for the welcome. I have been here for a couple of years but haven't posted much. When I was posting, back in the day, I felt attacked by a few individuals so instead of "arguing" I just quit posting and have only been lurking occasionally.

iambren, I am sorry you are in this situation but happy that you brought up the subject as it would seem there are many of us going through it!


I do believe that it leads to confusion in myself, and see in other's comments that it is a consistent feeling for many of us.

Praying that we all find the peace we look for !

I don't blame you... the attacks in some places here can be vicious.. I did years ago start getting into threads where it went back and forth like that but it just goes nowhere and only wears you down.. I know quite a few who left altogether because of such..

 

[peacechild4]

"do you want her back or do you want to have sex with her?"


Well, honestly, I'd like to have sex with her lol lol! It's been a long time.

But yes, I want our marriage and our home reunited serving the Lord and enjoying all that life has to give. Would I want remarriage without sex? No way!!! Doesn't work for me; I don't think it's supposed to.

Sex is good.. lol.. its good that your honest.. If only those whom we could have that relationship with.. wanted the whole package deal.. I keep telling my husband.. give me a chance.. its going to be good and different now.. after losing him it changes you..

Just imagine with the right person.. and give and take.. what it would be like.. heaven on earth I feel.. Praise GOD.. let it happen LORD because I will not stop praising you and thanking you..

 

[Million Pieces]

I am in a somewhat similar situation. Separated last August (10). After 3 months with much less stress my drive came back full swing. We were sexual a couple times and it just felt wrong. I told him we couldn't anymore. It wasn't glorifying to God to just do it for pleasures sake. And, he is wanting to make the marriage work now whereas I don't trust anything about him. So, knowing how I feel about him there is nothing right about going to bed with him. Now it's been 7 months and I am a very sexual being which means I am suffering but praying for those desires to leave until (if or when) the time is right and Godly!

Oh man, you might be writing my story! My estranged hubby and I have been intimate a couple of times during our separation. It feels "right" sometimes, but for me most times it ends up feeling shallow. We are still legally married to each other, but have been separated with a signed agreement for a little over a year now. Lately he has declared that he is in love with me. Again. I think this makes the third time.... or is that the fourth? I have a terrible time wading through thoughts of "it feels like I belong here", and "I can't trust this guy as far as I can smell him". It's not just the trust issues, it's the history of unsound judgment and poor financial decisions, among many other things.

McScribe said it right, it has made it so much more difficult breaking that emotional attachment. I gotta make that break, once and for all.

 

[peacechild4]

I have finally cut the ties.. I laughed and cried when I realized it was the end... our final dance I guess you could say.. weeird yeah I know.. but this is the man I have been with since we were teens.. and had 6 children with.. one in heaven.. it was supposed to be a forever thing.. sigh.. even for all the hard times.. the abuse and all and all the tears.. but the distance is doing what my heart never thought it would... say goodbye and love is dying.. I believe GOD is also helping me heal and friends prayers.. goodbye Justin.. sorry I cannot say this to him but it is coming to an end.. he just has no idea what it means to me all this.. I have been a faithful wife to him for 18 years.. bore him children.. and loved him with all I had... I enjoyed our intimate times very much.... his loss...

 

[Sandradee0303]

Million Pieces, I hope that things work out for you. I am praying that my husband finally accepts that it is over but I don't see that happening. Every time I tell him that I stand firm in my decision he replies "I am still praying for us". Well, so am I! I pray that IF he truly is a changed man that he finds a new wife (#4) and begins a relationship built on openness, honesty, and transparency and something he never did for myself or wives # 1 and 2. I don't trust a word out of his mouth. My marriage went bad 7 months into it (when I caught him in the first of many lies). It was a very stress loaded, lonely, marriage of hell.


I am open to doing family things together for our son's well being. We still go to church together and we go out to dinner as a family. My H will ask me out to dinner w/o our son but I always decline. I love my son and my heart breaks for him because of his being from a broken home. But, I was a broken woman in my marriage. Beat down, and broken down. My health suffered a might blow. I was a thin energetic happy woman when I married. Now I suffer from 2 pain disorders (that are related to stress) and gained 20 pounds because my adrenal glands pooped out (again due to stress) and was put on low-grade steroid for 2 yrs. I gained 40 pounds and have lost 20 but will be having major back surgery in 10 days and am not allowed to do anything much physical which is what it will take to get back to 110 from 130. I miss me.

I will continue to pray that I am restored to my old self--of course with a bit more wisdom!

 

[peacechild4]

Million Pieces, I hope that things work out for you. I am praying that my husband finally accepts that it is over but I don't see that happening. Every time I tell him that I stand firm in my decision he replies "I am still praying for us". Well, so am I! I pray that IF he truly is a changed man that he finds a new wife (#4) and begins a relationship built on openness, honesty, and transparency and something he never did for myself or wives # 1 and 2. I don't trust a word out of his mouth. My marriage went bad 7 months into it (when I caught him in the first of many lies). It was a very stress loaded, lonely, marriage of hell.


I am open to doing family things together for our son's well being. We still go to church together and we go out to dinner as a family. My H will ask me out to dinner w/o our son but I always decline. I love my son and my heart breaks for him because of his being from a broken home. But, I was a broken woman in my marriage. Beat down, and broken down. My health suffered a might blow. I was a thin energetic happy woman when I married. Now I suffer from 2 pain disorders (that are related to stress) and gained 20 pounds because my adrenal glands pooped out (again due to stress) and was put on low-grade steroid for 2 yrs. I gained 40 pounds and have lost 20 but will be having major back surgery in 10 days and am not allowed to do anything much physical which is what it will take to get back to 110 from 130. I miss me.

I will continue to pray that I am restored to my old self--of course with a bit more wisdom!

I had no idea how I lost myself.. I am only seeing parts of myself now that were lost.. the strangest thing.. ooohhhh the stress of it.. I will pray you get yourself back and much much more..

I am so sorry to hear of the amount of hurt this has caused you and your family..

 

[Sandradee0303]

I had no idea how I lost myself.. I am only seeing parts of myself now that were lost.. the strangest thing.. ooohhhh the stress of it.. I will pray you get yourself back and much much more..

I am so sorry to hear of the amount of hurt this has caused you and your family..

Thank you peace. I look forward to being healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically also. I will be the best mom I can be and encourage my son and his father to continue to grow in their relationship.

How long have you been working on finding yourself? I have been praying for healing for years and sometimes feel that there is something wrong with me and that is why I am still suffering. I know HE doesn't work that way but sometimes I can't help but wonder.

I don't mean to sound down. I am more at peace now then I have been for years!

I will keep you in my prayers Thank you for the support.

 

[peacechild4]

Thank you peace. I look forward to being healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically also. I will be the best mom I can be and encourage my son and his father to continue to grow in their relationship.

How long have you been working on finding yourself? I have been praying for healing for years and sometimes feel that there is something wrong with me and that is why I am still suffering. I know HE doesn't work that way but sometimes I can't help but wonder.

I don't mean to sound down. I am more at peace now then I have been for years!

I will keep you in my prayers Thank you for the support.

Well I started counselling earlier this year... that has really helped.. We have been separated almost two years... so I can see that this relationship has been toxic.. it is horrible though because you want your family to be together you know mother father kids.. sigh.. and coming from a church background... walking in a broken family.. I don't know you feel different from everyone else.. even though I know every family has its problems.. one by one my kids started dropping out of church.. and nobody helped me.. nobody seemed to care..

I lived a lot of years in horrible domestic up and down.. so I know the stress of that.. praying and believing that it would eventually heal and he would see the light so I turned the cheek alot.. and hoped we would come back together.. so I feel robbed of many years.. and much happiness and look what came of it.. and feel to blame I did not get out much earlier and save our family so much.. but I cannot go back and hindsight helps.... just have to work with what I can now.. and be honest and ask for help when I need it.. thats not easy is it...

I cannot look too far forward.. I get despaired thinking it could be years and years of healing.. but the LORD I am sure whispered into my heart that he can fast track healing so glory to GOD.. I believe that.. and that is my hope..

I have to work on myself so much more.. and doing better personally.. hard being a single parent.. hard not to shut down.. and get lazy and undisciplined..

You do not sound down.. you sound normal..

 

[Sandradee0303]

Something that has been on my mind a lot.....I always loved dancing. When we met we danced all the time. I can't recall one time in the last 13 yrs of marriage when we slow-danced! I am so lonely for a meaningful slow-dance.

Guys, if you are still married, or trying to save your marriage perhaps you could give the old slow dance a try!

 

[peacechild4]

Something that has been on my mind a lot.....I always loved dancing. When we met we danced all the time. I can't recall one time in the last 13 yrs of marriage when we slow-danced! I am so lonely for a meaningful slow-dance.

Guys, if you are still married, or trying to save your marriage perhaps you could give the old slow dance a try!

I will pray you get to slow dance again sweetie.. GOD loves you so much.. you have lovely spirit..

 

[Sandradee0303]

Oh, thank you again Peace. I fear I have hi-jacked this thread so I will leave one last comment in regards to me and revert back to supporting the OP. I know that I have a ton of baggage (ie., trust issues) that I need to work out with the Lord therefore I won't be dancing anytime soon. It would not be fair to even begin dating until I am free, in every way, to do so!

And speaking of lovely spirits, I believe you Peace also have one. God Bless you and may all your dreams come true

 

[peacechild4]

Oh, thank you again Peace. I fear I have hi-jacked this thread so I will leave one last comment in regards to me and revert back to supporting the OP. I know that I have a ton of baggage (ie., trust issues) that I need to work out with the Lord therefore I won't be dancing anytime soon. It would not be fair to even begin dating until I am free, in every way, to do so!

And speaking of lovely spirits, I believe you Peace also have one. God Bless you and may all your dreams come true

I did read these when you posted them.. but just wanted to say thanks.. because it helps to read it again..

 

[peacechild4]

Ohhhh LORD what is it you have for me.. my husband (divorce finalizes next month) came over just now with a take-away coffee.. sigh.. I know why.. but thankfully I was not put in a posistion where he could easily take advantage.. my car was having problems.. my mechanic had taken it.. was waiting for its return.. and my parents were here because of the car.. no time to be alone thank the LORD.. but ohhh I know had things been different the temptation would have been too strong.. LORD have mercy on me.. why.. why is this happening.. I want all that LORD.. you know that.. thankfully things worked out LORD that I could not be with him.. but LORD I know now he will keep trying.. sigh..