Two years ago I met a Christian guy on a Reddit forum. Long story short we really hit it off and took to texting and calling and even video messaging. He was there for me during some really tough times in my life, like when I was dealing with an illness and when I moved out of my childhood home. We could talk for hours and it would only feel like 20 minutes, and we could talk about literally anything. We would send each other funny pictures and cute videos and say I love you every night. I really enjoyed his friendship and felt emotionally connected to him like I had never felt before for anybody. I know getting so hype for someone I never met is wrong but it happened so fast I couldn't even tell what was happening. He got me like no one else ever did and he would pray for me and send me sermons from his church that we both listened to at the same time and talked about after.
We talked about meeting and we were planning to several times but things always came up. Neither of us had the time or money to get a plane ticket and we live 1,000 miles away from each other. I think we were both scared deep down and maybe that was the real reason why it never happened.
The problem is I have intense feelings for him that I don't know will ever be resolved. I never imagined myself wanting to be married or having children but now I do. It was like after forming such a strong emotional bond with him, my inner domestic prowess I never knew existed came out and said "I've found my prince and now I must take care of him." I guess I now know why God made Eve to be Adam's helper. I always thought that was such an offensive thing but now that I really like someone, I sense a natural desire to do just that. I want to take care of this guy.
Another problem is he grew up with emotionally distant parents who separated and used him as a scapegoat for their problems. He has BPD and constantly feels depressed and worthless and that he doesn't deserve love. He was also abused religiously. I am well aware I cannot fix him *nor do I want to, that is God's job not mine* but I was more than willing to support him and love him through it if he seeks help for his issues. He pushes me away because he thinks I deserve better, but I want him. I don't know what to do.
I have been having dreams every night of us being married and intimate and it's hard to push the thoughts out when I awake because it's so beautiful. I want nothing more than to experience that someday, and it would be so amazing if it was with the first guy I felt so strongly for. I sometimes get daydreams of what it'd be like to grow old with him and have children with him. Of course I understand they're just daydreams and that I was really foolish to let myself relish in them, which is probably why I have formed such a soul tie in the first place.
I have prayed and prayed to God about His will all the past two years of talking to this guy. I have asked God for His will to be done, to let me know if He wants me to stop communicating with him etc. and most recently I asked Him again and I "think" He wants me to let him go. But then I didn't feel peace about His answer, I have been feeling a heaviness in my soul all day and it won't lift. I cry when I think about parting ways with this guy, because in the back of my mind I want to hold out for the belief he will be ready for me and will pursue me the way I desperately want him to. I feel like if I never talk to him again I will always wonder whatever happens to him.
I feel so confused and heavy about it all. What should I do? I know this is a dead-end but I really felt something strong with this person, and I don't want to give up just yet. I feel so broken hearted.
We talked about meeting and we were planning to several times but things always came up. Neither of us had the time or money to get a plane ticket and we live 1,000 miles away from each other. I think we were both scared deep down and maybe that was the real reason why it never happened.
The problem is I have intense feelings for him that I don't know will ever be resolved. I never imagined myself wanting to be married or having children but now I do. It was like after forming such a strong emotional bond with him, my inner domestic prowess I never knew existed came out and said "I've found my prince and now I must take care of him." I guess I now know why God made Eve to be Adam's helper. I always thought that was such an offensive thing but now that I really like someone, I sense a natural desire to do just that. I want to take care of this guy.
Another problem is he grew up with emotionally distant parents who separated and used him as a scapegoat for their problems. He has BPD and constantly feels depressed and worthless and that he doesn't deserve love. He was also abused religiously. I am well aware I cannot fix him *nor do I want to, that is God's job not mine* but I was more than willing to support him and love him through it if he seeks help for his issues. He pushes me away because he thinks I deserve better, but I want him. I don't know what to do.
I have been having dreams every night of us being married and intimate and it's hard to push the thoughts out when I awake because it's so beautiful. I want nothing more than to experience that someday, and it would be so amazing if it was with the first guy I felt so strongly for. I sometimes get daydreams of what it'd be like to grow old with him and have children with him. Of course I understand they're just daydreams and that I was really foolish to let myself relish in them, which is probably why I have formed such a soul tie in the first place.
I have prayed and prayed to God about His will all the past two years of talking to this guy. I have asked God for His will to be done, to let me know if He wants me to stop communicating with him etc. and most recently I asked Him again and I "think" He wants me to let him go. But then I didn't feel peace about His answer, I have been feeling a heaviness in my soul all day and it won't lift. I cry when I think about parting ways with this guy, because in the back of my mind I want to hold out for the belief he will be ready for me and will pursue me the way I desperately want him to. I feel like if I never talk to him again I will always wonder whatever happens to him.
I feel so confused and heavy about it all. What should I do? I know this is a dead-end but I really felt something strong with this person, and I don't want to give up just yet. I feel so broken hearted.
