B
blackjellybean
Guest
Was talking to a woman on another forum who was asking whether it was OK for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. She ended up marrying a non-Christian against my advice and others posting, but she made a point about Christian guys that I thought I'd repost here. What do you think? Fair cop, or unfair accusation?
If you're a gal and you generally agree with the post, what specifically do you think needs to change about Christian men?
If you're a gal and you generally agree with the post, what specifically do you think needs to change about Christian men?
Originally Posted by Anonymous
I spent my life in church, mission trips, christian housing in college, more mission trips, volunteering with christians, working in christian ministries.
I was looking for someone who would pursue me and was serious about marriage, having a family, getting 'settled' down, plus those things above. Christian boys are wusses, total wimps. I had guys who would talk with me, act like 'just friends', then when I started dating someone, they acted all hurt and jealous, but how was I ever supposed to know they even liked me? They were 'just friends' and acted it. Then the boys I dated. One never smiled, was totally an over-analyzer of himself. Another was a total fake. The third was jealous and got mad at me for even watching people walk by, because some of them were boys. Gah. These were nice, upstanding young men, mind you.
Here is the other thing. Shallowness and stupid theology. You know the kind. "I FEEL this, clearly my feelings are the leading of the Holy Spirit!" Taking verses out of context. Emphasis on youth-leader like charismatic personality instead of character. I DESPISE the typical youth-leader personality... you know, the stereotype that so many American Christian boys try to emulate.
I had a lot of fun with Christian boys. Hiking.... well, there was that group that told me I had a problem with being a woman because I wanted to go hiking. THAT was something else. But others, I had fun with them. But they weren't looking for wives. They wanted a girlfriend.
That's the other thing I get sick of. Being a 'girlfriend' before the boy even knows if he really likes me. You know the boy I have now, he pursued me even though he knew another boy liked me (who I did not like, but anyway), and he knew beforehand that he wanted to marry me. He knew before I even realized he liked me. He told me in the beginning, "I don't want to hurt you," and held to it. I've always known he meant "this isn't where I date you and break up with you. You can decide to say no to me, but I'm not playing with you." It was just... honorable and strong. And yes, I liked the gutsiness of pursuing me even though there was competition. Some girls don't like that, it makes them feel like a prize. But I like that, it makes me feel like the boys are saying, "I really think I'll be best for you, I'd like to give you the honor of deciding for yourself." But it takes guts.
Here is the thing. There is this debate; nice guy or bad boy. Bad boy wins, nice guy finishes last, but christian girls are supposed to want the nice guy, blah blah blah. But the problem is no girl wants either. We want a dangerous and good boy. You know in Lord of the Rings, Gandalf talks about how he is dangerous, but he is good? It's in the second book, anyway, if you didn't. Or Chronicles of Narnia. There is a scene where they talk about Aslan. He is NOT a tame lion, he is scary, but good. The Inklings (Tolkien, Lewis, and the other two in their writing group) really had a strong grasp on the concept of good things can still be deadly and dangerous. I suppose they have to be, to be stronger than evil. God is light, and the strongest light, a laser, think what it does. It'll vaporize you. I suspect pure goodness is the most deadly and dangerous thing of all. And a good fear of that (called respect) is also a good thing. I want a boy like that. Good and dangerous. Not a nice boy with no guts or strength, just always nice and making people happy. And I definitely don't want a seducing bad boy who sees women as sex toys. I want a good boy who's goodness is strong enough to be dangerous to those who would hurt others. That's what I was looking for, and I'm sorry, but it's just not common in the somewhat feelingized, overly-feminine, 'let's consider God our lover' (poor guys.... homosexual deity relationship concept??) American church. It's. Just. Not. There.
I found a boy with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness (dang, that's a hot trait), and self-control. He is kind, and sometimes, he scares me. No, not fear. Respect. Like when I gossip about other people and he calls me out on it, tells me he doesn't want to hear it. I feel pretty stupid then, and it wasn't 'nice' of him. But wow, did I love it and respect it.
And... boys are too feminist. Buying into this crap idea that children are burdens. To my boy, marriage is normal and expected, kind of blah in that respect. It's just what happens, not really any question about it. And children, that's the point. And a good joyous point too. Boys just aren't like that these days.
I was on eharmony for a while (and got paired with some boy who took me to his apartment and tried to kiss me on the first date.... that was the end of my eharmony days, as clearly it didn't know how to match me with people. I was NOT the go back and sleep together first date type), and someone told me "You don't realize this cuz you don't see other girls' profiles, but you are a lot less shallow than most of them". So I'm pretty sure I'm not shallow, nor hypocritically religious. And boring? Well, to some I am (and they are to me), and to others we just laugh and laugh and laugh. And boring is about personality, not character. I love that my boy prefers good character of people over exciting personality. I learned that from him.
Also, I got sick of the Christian boys being so focused on their church bands and church youth groups (yay, let's isolate youngin's from wise adults. Good one! That's a stupid thing the church is doing, btw) and church mission trips and church baking and .... gah. Get out into the real world, people, where there are real things to spend time on, where people live in small apartments with out toys and food and furniture, no access to health care (don't worry, obamacare is a bad idea, I know!) and bad schools. Seriously. You know, in your own country, in your own city. Don't think you have to go overseas for a fun little vacation to get that. I've worked in social work where the board of directors was Christian, and not a single employee was. Because those boys have their band ministry. With the cheesy little skits for Sunday's sermon. Wow, that's important stuff there.
Seriously, that stuff makes my head pop.
I spent my life in church, mission trips, christian housing in college, more mission trips, volunteering with christians, working in christian ministries.
I was looking for someone who would pursue me and was serious about marriage, having a family, getting 'settled' down, plus those things above. Christian boys are wusses, total wimps. I had guys who would talk with me, act like 'just friends', then when I started dating someone, they acted all hurt and jealous, but how was I ever supposed to know they even liked me? They were 'just friends' and acted it. Then the boys I dated. One never smiled, was totally an over-analyzer of himself. Another was a total fake. The third was jealous and got mad at me for even watching people walk by, because some of them were boys. Gah. These were nice, upstanding young men, mind you.
Here is the other thing. Shallowness and stupid theology. You know the kind. "I FEEL this, clearly my feelings are the leading of the Holy Spirit!" Taking verses out of context. Emphasis on youth-leader like charismatic personality instead of character. I DESPISE the typical youth-leader personality... you know, the stereotype that so many American Christian boys try to emulate.
I had a lot of fun with Christian boys. Hiking.... well, there was that group that told me I had a problem with being a woman because I wanted to go hiking. THAT was something else. But others, I had fun with them. But they weren't looking for wives. They wanted a girlfriend.
That's the other thing I get sick of. Being a 'girlfriend' before the boy even knows if he really likes me. You know the boy I have now, he pursued me even though he knew another boy liked me (who I did not like, but anyway), and he knew beforehand that he wanted to marry me. He knew before I even realized he liked me. He told me in the beginning, "I don't want to hurt you," and held to it. I've always known he meant "this isn't where I date you and break up with you. You can decide to say no to me, but I'm not playing with you." It was just... honorable and strong. And yes, I liked the gutsiness of pursuing me even though there was competition. Some girls don't like that, it makes them feel like a prize. But I like that, it makes me feel like the boys are saying, "I really think I'll be best for you, I'd like to give you the honor of deciding for yourself." But it takes guts.
Here is the thing. There is this debate; nice guy or bad boy. Bad boy wins, nice guy finishes last, but christian girls are supposed to want the nice guy, blah blah blah. But the problem is no girl wants either. We want a dangerous and good boy. You know in Lord of the Rings, Gandalf talks about how he is dangerous, but he is good? It's in the second book, anyway, if you didn't. Or Chronicles of Narnia. There is a scene where they talk about Aslan. He is NOT a tame lion, he is scary, but good. The Inklings (Tolkien, Lewis, and the other two in their writing group) really had a strong grasp on the concept of good things can still be deadly and dangerous. I suppose they have to be, to be stronger than evil. God is light, and the strongest light, a laser, think what it does. It'll vaporize you. I suspect pure goodness is the most deadly and dangerous thing of all. And a good fear of that (called respect) is also a good thing. I want a boy like that. Good and dangerous. Not a nice boy with no guts or strength, just always nice and making people happy. And I definitely don't want a seducing bad boy who sees women as sex toys. I want a good boy who's goodness is strong enough to be dangerous to those who would hurt others. That's what I was looking for, and I'm sorry, but it's just not common in the somewhat feelingized, overly-feminine, 'let's consider God our lover' (poor guys.... homosexual deity relationship concept??) American church. It's. Just. Not. There.
I found a boy with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness (dang, that's a hot trait), and self-control. He is kind, and sometimes, he scares me. No, not fear. Respect. Like when I gossip about other people and he calls me out on it, tells me he doesn't want to hear it. I feel pretty stupid then, and it wasn't 'nice' of him. But wow, did I love it and respect it.
And... boys are too feminist. Buying into this crap idea that children are burdens. To my boy, marriage is normal and expected, kind of blah in that respect. It's just what happens, not really any question about it. And children, that's the point. And a good joyous point too. Boys just aren't like that these days.
I was on eharmony for a while (and got paired with some boy who took me to his apartment and tried to kiss me on the first date.... that was the end of my eharmony days, as clearly it didn't know how to match me with people. I was NOT the go back and sleep together first date type), and someone told me "You don't realize this cuz you don't see other girls' profiles, but you are a lot less shallow than most of them". So I'm pretty sure I'm not shallow, nor hypocritically religious. And boring? Well, to some I am (and they are to me), and to others we just laugh and laugh and laugh. And boring is about personality, not character. I love that my boy prefers good character of people over exciting personality. I learned that from him.
Also, I got sick of the Christian boys being so focused on their church bands and church youth groups (yay, let's isolate youngin's from wise adults. Good one! That's a stupid thing the church is doing, btw) and church mission trips and church baking and .... gah. Get out into the real world, people, where there are real things to spend time on, where people live in small apartments with out toys and food and furniture, no access to health care (don't worry, obamacare is a bad idea, I know!) and bad schools. Seriously. You know, in your own country, in your own city. Don't think you have to go overseas for a fun little vacation to get that. I've worked in social work where the board of directors was Christian, and not a single employee was. Because those boys have their band ministry. With the cheesy little skits for Sunday's sermon. Wow, that's important stuff there.
Seriously, that stuff makes my head pop.
