At the age of 8 years old, I knew there was a God because I was raised in a baptist church and I had a very loving father and stepmother who taught me at an early age what faith was and that I could trust in God no matter what the circumstance or situation. I feel like from that age I really had a trust in God and didnt allow much worry in my life. I was carefree. My parents also loved me unconditionally including my mother as they spent most of there free time with me. My father was always at my ballgames and encouraged me to do whatever I showed interest in. At a young age I had a very big concern for the wellfair of others and hated to see bums or people suffering. I always wanted to help them. Then growing up I attended church and felt like I was saved. However after all of the stuff mentioned above when I had failed out of school and was dating this girl, I started going to a church because of a random event that I know God's hand was in led me there. My girlfriend's grandfather was a pentecostle preacher and she was always at his services so she didnt come with me. I soon realized that I had never had a relationship with God and that I did not know what growing in the spirit meant. I began going to bible studies and learning a lot more than I had but still felt like I was sooo far away from having an actual relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. I applied for nursing at a 2 year nursing school but was rejected twice and after about 8 months of working and retaking basic classes to get better grades, to reapply I gota call saying that someone had dropped from the class I had originally applied for and I would be able to start the following day. I had so much joy that I felt like god had made me wait not knowing and finally was letting me back into school. I consider this a dessert I had gone through...however looking back I hadnt really learned all that much and the relationship that I was in had turned way South....we were fighting and arguing all of the time. I felt like she was rude and inconsiderate and while we both shared the same view about God and what he wanted...I felt like she wasn't seeing the relationship between the music she listened to and some of the pictures she allowed on facebook of her and her bikini...among other things were right. Example I think rap music has gotten horrible but she would listen to it and say she didnt listen to the lyrics and my rock music was jut as bad...which she was right I do listen to some zztop but they are not talking about all the trash they sing about...i would try to ignore them the best that I could but it would always be hidden in my emotions and I would always get angry that she didnt agree with me. She was jealous in the begining of the realtionship and didnt even like me talking to any of my frineds that were girls that I had never had any feelings for. So it rubbed off on me and I felt like if I couldnt then she couldnt and so we always compared things the other had done and it just got worse. So after many break ups and get backs about a month ago she got back from a 3 week vacation over seas ( which we had gotten into an argument over the phone) and she couldnt believe that I would argue when she was so far away and she wanted to break up (for the millionth time) so I was actaully ok. I felt a sweep of confidence come over me for whatever reason and felt it was the Lord however now I dont know why I had it, but she would still txt me and say it was hard and ask how I was, so after about 3 weeks we got back together and within a week later, she posted 170 pictures from her trip over seas, which she never posts pics, and I agreed that they were all fine even the bathing suits ones because the beach was so pretty but there was an unnecessary one that had her in the kitchen with her friends female family members in their bikiniswith their butts posed and turning their heads around. I was so enraged that she would post something like that becaue she never had and when she asked if any othem bothered me I initally told her yes but only that one...well she said its not bad and i left it alone thinking she would take it off..but after several days it was still there and I asked her why she hadnt taken it off and she pitched a huge fit and eventually just led her to being really upset with me and we both jus broke it off. So time goes by and she decides to come over to the house one night to talk, which I didnt agree but she was persistent..so she came in and we talked for a while and then was very flirty with me and I ended up kissing her then after a minute she backed up and started crying and saying she didnt know what we were doing and I just sat back and instead of getting upset because this has happened before I just said 'well i think u need to go' and she asked what I thought and I said I am willing to forgive and try this again and told her about my time alone when she was gone over seas for 3 weeks and how I had felt like I was able to start reading the word again and working out and felt better about my self (which i felt was aproblem that we were both unhappy with our lives with god and it came out on each other as we looked for comfort and peace in the other person whic hI know is not possible and we both needed a relationship wigh God) so after telling her that she said nothing and sat there so I asked how do you feel and she just said I dont know I dont know and cried, so finally she was very hesitent but left and I told her that it would be best if we would stop talking and she would ask are you sure? and why can't we be friends and I had to tell her that it just wouldnt work out and by texting or talking we still had the comfort of the other person that we needed to let go and find comfort i ngod. well she ended up texting me again and I had to tell her...so after a few attempts from her last week. She has finally stopped and I havn't heard from her in almost a week Thursday. I am now instead of confident feeling so down. I hurt so bad inside and I know she shouldnt call but I realy want her to call and just accept who I am because after all the break ups I would be the one saying I would change most of the time...ad finally after the last I had come to the conclusion that I was not going to change and that I was willing to accept what she was but she had to accept me...which she didnt like and thought I should be able to change. I want her to call and say she wants to try again and I've almost lost all memories of her that are bad and I am just thinking of all the good things now. It has been a battle not to pick up the phone and text but I still keep looking at my phone thinking she may have text me. This is the longest we have gone without talking in over two years. A part of me keeps telling me to be strong and even if she did message me I should ignore it and put all of my attention towards god and school. But the other part tellsm e that I made a commitment with her and I should try to make it work. Also I am scared that she has already moved on because our longest break up was almost a year ago exactly and she had found out that I had seen a girl at a store that I had been best friends with in highschool and we almost dated but didnt, I didnt tell her about it and she found out 4 months later that I had just seen her her at a store and she said I had lied to her by not telling her. Which I didnt say anything because I knew it was just bring her unnecesary grief. So she broke up with me and within a few days was atlking with a 'christian' from work, whom i found out later had gone out with him severl times IN A MATTER OF DAYS...and had 'kissed on teh cheek' so she told me. So afte ra few weeks of her wanting to talk to me again and me finding that out I shut her off but she came to my house and cried...and we got back together (i know that i was stupid) so Im thinking shes probably doing that now and all of this after typing it makes me realize that I prob shouldnt even be talking to her. But words alone arnt enough to tell everything on here and I wonder often if im the one at fault and I know that I am for a lot (jealousy, anger, forcing her to see her actions), but I mean i question that if i could change then it could be so much better and I ask myself do I need to be changing to make this better and how can i.
So basically here is the crossroads I am...Also a huge burden on me. I have been praying and reading so much everyday and I feel comfort but it doenst last and I keep going back to feeling very down. I am trying to find true repentence and I am admiting to God that my heart isnt hurting for him but fora girl and I cant turn it from her to him. That I need him to turn my heart for me, but I question if he will turn it or if its supposed to be something that I do. I am and have been for the past year starting to see God in a different light as my perspective starts to change and the whole bible starts to become more real like actually beleiving it like I believe my father is at his house...not just telling myself he is there but actually starting to understand and realize it...but it is a very slow progress and I just dont know what else to do right now. I did read that one of the fruits of the spirit is longsuffering and I believe this is it. But i'm still stuck on the idea about having a commitment with this girl because we were intimate with each other and been planning on being with each other...If i could go back I would do it all over now and would wait until I was sure about a girl before I even began courting them and it would be in much mor eof a gentlemans way and I would want to be equally yoked with her, talking about the same things of Christ and of spiritual battles here on earth and trying to avoid them together. But I dont know if I am obligated to try to make this work.
So after all that mess of me just trying to get some of this out if anyone actaully took the time to read this and has any opinion/advice/scripture or something you'd like to share I would really appreciate it. I will be graduating from school next november and plan on making it through this time! To those that read I thank you so much for the time that you took and God Bless you, I want to be more involved with this board during whatever happens and I want to use it as a tool for growth of myself and others that I believe it is.
GOD BLESS YOU
So basically here is the crossroads I am...Also a huge burden on me. I have been praying and reading so much everyday and I feel comfort but it doenst last and I keep going back to feeling very down. I am trying to find true repentence and I am admiting to God that my heart isnt hurting for him but fora girl and I cant turn it from her to him. That I need him to turn my heart for me, but I question if he will turn it or if its supposed to be something that I do. I am and have been for the past year starting to see God in a different light as my perspective starts to change and the whole bible starts to become more real like actually beleiving it like I believe my father is at his house...not just telling myself he is there but actually starting to understand and realize it...but it is a very slow progress and I just dont know what else to do right now. I did read that one of the fruits of the spirit is longsuffering and I believe this is it. But i'm still stuck on the idea about having a commitment with this girl because we were intimate with each other and been planning on being with each other...If i could go back I would do it all over now and would wait until I was sure about a girl before I even began courting them and it would be in much mor eof a gentlemans way and I would want to be equally yoked with her, talking about the same things of Christ and of spiritual battles here on earth and trying to avoid them together. But I dont know if I am obligated to try to make this work.
So after all that mess of me just trying to get some of this out if anyone actaully took the time to read this and has any opinion/advice/scripture or something you'd like to share I would really appreciate it. I will be graduating from school next november and plan on making it through this time! To those that read I thank you so much for the time that you took and God Bless you, I want to be more involved with this board during whatever happens and I want to use it as a tool for growth of myself and others that I believe it is.
GOD BLESS YOU
