No, I am not able to do that. I cannot trust myself in my judgment to be able to do that. If I did manage to do that, it would not last. I would relegate it to having been a delusional experience and having fooled myself. I know how I am and I cannot change that. If there is a personal god he would have to find me. This is not my unwillingness to humble myself. It is merely my rational mind. I am resigned to my end and feel no need to be saved. I will experience life until then.
Hi,
There is a woman who is, but I will talk as though she is not. One day, in her long long journey to her, she no longer belived in God. She had the proof. About fifteen years later, God who has had numerous and sundry encounters with this woman, who is much like you in many ways, the way you are now, she gave God up her free will.
Years passed, one day she cannot do what she needs to do, in the next moment. She can't because her belief in what she is to do next, is just too great. She looks though at this strange piece of paper. She knows it should not be there. Eventually she bends down and picks it up. She opens it. She reads it.
OhMy. It was her written contract to God, giving up her free will to Him. Somehow, it had come out of the tucked away place in her wallet, and was now on the floor. She then was able to do what she was supposed to do, for God next, as her belief was increased.
I imagine, if this woman were to tell her story again, and how it relates to your statement of
"No, I am not able to do that. I cannot trust myself in my judgement to be able to do that" it is this for her on trusting herself. I know of her. I have known her for awhile, now. She has amazing stories but is presently a hermit of sorts, preferring God to all else. I have access to her, but I don't know for how long.
She says that one day she read, even after knowing God is real, that all of us have thoughts that are rather bad. She says it says that in the Bible. One day before she had the proof of God, she hears a program on the radio. It is Protestant. In those days, while searching for God, she looked everywhere and the Protestants gave her a lot of information. She listened. She understood. She decided to do this. She knew she did not have to. And she told no one ever. She also knew there was precisely no reason to expect this would work, or would do anything, or result in anything. She knew it was free will. She chose to do it and tell no one.
The radio person said this. "Do this or do not do this. Write on a piece of paper, 'From today on, I do the Will of God everywhere always and in everything' " And for some reason she says, she wrote this on clean room paper. Clean room paper makes no particles. That will not be important later on, in fifteen years or so. What will be important is clean room paper does not decompose like regular paper. It lasts, and lasts and lasts.
She later says, because she cannot trust doing her own will as The Bible says she has bad thoughts from morning till night, she hoped God would take her will and somehow make her innocent by Him now owning her will and not her anymore. She knew that if she does her own will, then some of the time, it will be to act on one of those bad thoughts, some of the time. She then was trying to be perfect with God, in the Christian way.
She says that is the paper that she had forgotten about ever writing. That is the paper she found on the office floor. She was at work. She was doing her job. Yet, this other task was asked of her while she was still at work. Instantly she put it back deep into an almost hidden pocket in her wallet where she remembered she put it years and years ago. Then she did that thing, knowing or suspecting God had actually taken her up, on her written words.
You sound like her is some ways. You say you cannot trust yourself. However, I will now give you something from my life. It will be on believing in God, if God so chooses to do that to you.
I am gnostic theist. That was not always so. Also being gnostic is really reaally really rough at first, and then some. It took me to last year to stop all accusations, or for God really to stop all accusations about my sanity, or about my Christianity. I have known of God, by proof since the year 2000. I was 52 years old then. Yes, I am 67 right now.
(It was last year that the fourth or fifth or sixth mental health professional accidentally told me that I was sane. I work in a field that required me to submit to two full psychiatric exams. I was surprised by the first one. I was stunned by last years results. All of my mental health items, were brought about by accusations of people like embezzelers. To make sure I would submit myself to their accusations, mentally. Soon I found out that is merely a tool they use. I have paperwork last year to protect me from those types. The Ph.D. (a requirment) Psychologist made sure, I walke out of her office with that, as I was too vulnerable without it.
She made me accept my sanity. I was even beginning to doubt that. Within that sanity with no Patholgies what so ever, she is going to be the one to convince me of somethings. One is I a real mystic. She calls it a medical mystic. It means when someone is in trouble, somehow the answers are fed to me, to help them.)
So, one day I get to see God. One day I get to have Jesus, The Christ come into me, and revealing in visions with content, feelings with content, and words with content, what His core personality is all about. There is more, but this will do for now.
You are so right about not trusting yourself for lots of things. However, if and when God reveals Himself to you by any method including just feelings that He is Real or The Bible is Real or anything, accompanying that, will be other things to make you certain.
It is those other things, that every Christian is encouraging you to just read and relax, and let God do the rest, that will happen, if and when God wants it to happen to you.
Another way of saying this is, if and when God is your information source, you will know it, and for you, you will probably be given that logically.
God does say to test all things. You are already doing that. Read the Bible, in the Good News format. It is like the Bible for Dummies and I am one. Have also other Bibles like KJV, and I can't really recommend any to you, as the years are past me when I spent my life in there. I did that in the learning and testing phase. So, have what I call a tougher Bible, but also have a Good News Bible as that gets ideas across faster, but with only and occasional error from time to time. So, use both always.
As you read it, see what happens, but do it in private. Treat it as a prayer.
I am too tired right now. I will stop here.
LOVE,
...Mary., .... .