Breaking Vows

[dmp]

Just reading through this forum and thinking on the subject -

Why do you suppose we (society?) tend to only seem to care about ONE of the many vows, during a marriage.

I've NEVER heard somebody say "My wife's been cheating on me. She's been breaking her vow to Love and Cherish me..."

I've never heard a gossip group whisper "There goes mike! He's been cheating on his poor wife. Yup. He's stopped honoring her."

The 'Forsaking all others' vow seems to be the only vow people care about.

Well, friends, if you're neglecting any of the vows you made that day, you're in essence cheating on your spouse - you are cheating them out of the promise you made to them.

When I read about a spouse committing adultery I instantly wonder "I wonder how many vows broken by that guy/gal's spouse influenced his/her decision to stop forsaking all others?"

Truth is - like it or not, if you've stopped Loving and Cherishing your spouse, it should come as no surprise if they admit breaking the vow of forsaking. In fact, not always of course, but I bet a large part of the time, NOT forsaking the vows to love, honor, and cherish would do a LOT to prevent the other spouse from 'not forsaking all others.'

Thoughts?

 

[Avatar]

Makes good sense. Thank you.

 

[dmp]

Thanks Avatar - I hope others provide input - but more importantly, I hope people feel conviction if they haven't been living up to ALL Their vows - AND...AND I hope people find GRACE for their spouse for not-living up to everything.

 

[PREPCoach]

Just reading through this forum and thinking on the subject -

Why do you suppose we (society?) tend to only seem to care about ONE of the many vows, during a marriage.

I've NEVER heard somebody say "My wife's been cheating on me. She's been breaking her vow to Love and Cherish me..."

I've never heard a gossip group whisper "There goes mike! He's been cheating on his poor wife. Yup. He's stopped honoring her."

The 'Forsaking all others' vow seems to be the only vow people care about.

Well, friends, if you're neglecting any of the vows you made that day, you're in essence cheating on your spouse - you are cheating them out of the promise you made to them.

When I read about a spouse committing adultery I instantly wonder "I wonder how many vows broken by that guy/gal's spouse influenced his/her decision to stop forsaking all others?"

Truth is - like it or not, if you've stopped Loving and Cherishing your spouse, it should come as no surprise if they admit breaking the vow of forsaking. In fact, not always of course, but I bet a large part of the time, NOT forsaking the vows to love, honor, and cherish would do a LOT to prevent the other spouse from 'not forsaking all others.'

Thoughts?

I think that I can follow your argument, however we as men are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. In doing this, we are unconditionally loving regardless of how my wife acts towards me. It seems as though you are arguing that it is no wonder marriages do not honor their vows if one spouse breaks the vow , the other will in due time. You seem to be arguing that we love conditionally.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Truth is - like it or not, if you've stopped Loving and Cherishing your spouse, it should come as no surprise if they admit breaking the vow of forsaking. In fact, not always of course, but I bet a large part of the time, NOT forsaking the vows to love, honor, and cherish would do a LOT to prevent the other spouse from 'not forsaking all others.'

Thoughts?

I think this happens alot. Especially when one party loses interest in sex and the other goes into inappropriate content or 'makes a new friend'. Good insight.

 

[dmp]

I think that I can follow your argument, however we as men are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. In doing this, we are unconditionally loving regardless of how my wife acts towards me. It seems as though you are arguing that it is no wonder marriages do not honor their vows if one spouse breaks the vow , the other will in due time. You seem to be arguing that we love conditionally.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm not arguing any way or the other. I'm saying, as humans, we handle things to a certain extent. Some ladies could handle very well, if their husbands are emotionally unavailable, or angry, or mean to them. Whatever.

I'm saying often, if we keep the vows to love, honor, and cherish, it makes it much easier for our imperfect mate to keep the vow to forsake all others.

My job is to make my wife's life with me as blessed and nice as possible. If I turn into a jerk, it'd be easier for her - because she's human - to fall into all sorts of things. And vice versa.

make sense?

 

[PREPCoach]

Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm not arguing any way or the other. I'm saying, as humans, we handle things to a certain extent. Some ladies could handle very well, if their husbands are emotionally unavailable, or angry, or mean to them. Whatever.

I'm saying often, if we keep the vows to love, honor, and cherish, it makes it much easier for our imperfect mate to keep the vow to forsake all others.

My job is to make my wife's life with me as blessed and nice as possible. If I turn into a jerk, it'd be easier for her - because she's human - to fall into all sorts of things. And vice versa.

make sense?

Yes in our fallen, sinful state it makes sense. We all put conditions on our love. The power of Christ's love is that it is without conditions. Thank God that I don't have to perform to his perfect standard in order to be accepted by him. Yes it makes sense and I wish that a vow to God meant what it should mean.

Blessings.

James 1:19

 

[dmp]

Yes in our fallen, sinful state it makes sense. We all put conditions on our love. The power of Christ's love is that it is without conditions. Thank God that I don't have to perform to his perfect standard in order to be accepted by him. Yes it makes sense and I wish that a vow to God meant what it should mean.

Blessings.

James 1:19

Because the reality is, we do fall. We do seek love and acceptance. We seek to be desired. We pray and we pray and we ask God for HIS love to tide us over until we see him. Reality is, though, that doesn't work often. Folk are in their marriage, devastated by desire to be something important to the person who loves them - or should love them most. When they don't get the loved, cherished, honored vows met, they may be more likely to stumble and become intimate with somebody who presents those things to them.

Know what I mean?

 

[Catholic Wife]

Sometimes, "foresaking all others" doesn't involve an "adulterous" affair. How many people put their friends and their friends' needs before their spouses? How many people put the needs and wants of their "family of origin" before that of their spouses? How many people are workaholics, putting the needs and wants of their bosses ahead of their spouse?

Or do these things fall more under failing to "love, honor and cherish"?

 

[dmp]

Absolutely. That vow - forsaking all others - to me means, when everyone is against her, I am for her. It transcends adulterous relationships and means you and your spouse are together on all things. That kinda stuff.

Family of origin. GOOD way to describe it. My wife and I are lucky and blessed enough to realize our family - the one we have together is our only family anymore. My mother and father and brothers, and hers are her previous family.

 

[kanga22]

Whether a person forsakes others or not is easier to measure than the level at which one honors, cherishes, and loves another person. Same as physical abuse: it's easier to measure (and notice) than emotional and mental abuse. My dh says that he doesn't believe that I love him, but I do. His own self-loathing makes it hard for him to receive love from anyone. Cheating on the basis that other vows were broken by the spouse first, is a huge cop-out. It doesn't make bad choices right.

 

[dmp]

Cheating on the basis that other vows were broken by the spouse first, is a huge cop-out. It doesn't make bad choices right.

If you aren't loving him, you're cheating (on) him. Vice-versa, too.

This thread isn't about excuses. It's about reality. The simple reality is:

We, as people, will tend to be more-secure in our marriages when we hold-accountable our spouses for ALL the vows they have given; and when we live-up to the vows.

Cheating is anything breaking any vow to one's spouse. None is worse; breaking SOME certainly make breaking others easier.

 

[romanseight2004]

While the point is well taken, I believe it is because it is the only reason given as an acceptable reason for divorce.

 

[dmp]

While the point is well taken, I believe it is because it is the only reason given as an acceptable reason for divorce.

I believe lots of people hold that opinion to absolve themselves of the reality of their guilt.

 

[mkgal1]

You know....you are making a really good point.

The idea that *breaking vows* is only to mean one spouse had an affair is kind of like the Pharisee's way of thinking...not really taking full responsibility for how the other spouse may have contributed. It's how Jesus explained to them that being so angry at someone...enough to call them *useless* is equal to murder...it escalates things. We need to not be afraid of labeling things what they really are...sin. And, I believe you are right.....breaking any of those vows IS cheating. We are too easy on ourselves.

 

[dmp]

Thanks mk - It brings me no pleasure to think about these things; it brings conviction for the times I've broken vows to my wife. :-/

 

[mkgal1]

I think we need to change the way we look at conviction. It should be looked at as a gift...don't you think? It hurts...but if we do something with it, it makes us stronger.

 

[dmp]

I think you're right on target.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Maybe they are different degrees of vow. There are many sins but only one is unforgiveable...

 

[romanseight2004]

Actually the Pharisees thought their were many reasons to divorce. They actually took breaking vows to mean many things. A wife could merely have fallen out of favor with her husband, and he could divorce her. Jesus was the one who cleared this up, and limited divorce to adultery alone. That being said, I do believe that every part of our vows are sacred, and all should be adhered to. Just remember though, that Jesus was the one who made adultery the distinction, not people of today. To me, I see sinning as not following God's commands in all areas. Therefore, we have to look at his standards, not ours for the day. I heard this described as the 2 second rule. When driving on the interstate, we are a safe distance from the one in front of us as long as we are 2 seconds behind. This means that our speed is somewhat relative. We tend to do that with God's standards and the world's. We think that if we are a safe distance behind the world when it comes to worldly living, we are ok. The truth is that God's standards are not relative.