Borrowing and lending OR 'UNgifting'

[Goodbook]

Ok i seem to have this new friend in my writing group who keeps giving me stuff but then she also 'lends' me books that I dont ask for. like I dont ask to borrow anything but she kinds of dumps it on me to read and then expects it back.

I just think she starting to be real pushy and I dont do the same thing if I give a book I would have already read it and dont expect it back.
The problem when people lend you books is you dont know when you going to get round to reading them and then when you supposed to return them. And then you have this hanging over you.
Plus its not books I would have chosen for myself really. Im just annoyed because the books, some of them are old right..and I thought she didnt want them, but now it turns out she does and its hard to keep track because I reguarly cull books I dont read or taking up space. I just dont want this hassle.

Especially for books I havent asked for. I think it MIGHT look interesting but it doesnt mean I will actually read it, anyway, I have told her I have NO more room for any of her stuff (she says shes moving house so expects everyone else to act as free storage for her) i didnt realise this at first but I kinda feel used. She does this to other people as well I gather.

Any advice for dealing with this situation.

 

[Hieronymus]

Put it in a box for her to pick it up or bring them back yourself.
Thank her for borrowing them, say you unfortunately have no room or time for it.
Maybe send them back by FedEx or something (depends on the distance).

my 2 cents

 

[dhh712]

Ok i seem to have this new friend in my writing group who keeps giving me stuff but then she also 'lends' me books that I dont ask for. like I dont ask to borrow anything but she kinds of dumps it on me to read and then expects it back.

I just think she starting to be real pushy and I dont do the same thing if I give a book I would have already read it and dont expect it back.
The problem when people lend you books is you dont know when you going to get round to reading them and then when you supposed to return them. And then you have this hanging over you.
Plus its not books I would have chosen for myself really. Im just annoyed because the books, some of them are old right..and I thought she didnt want them, but now it turns out she does and its hard to keep track because I reguarly cull books I dont read or taking up space. I just dont want this hassle.

Especially for books I havent asked for. I think it MIGHT look interesting but it doesnt mean I will actually read it, anyway, I have told her I have NO more room for any of her stuff (she says shes moving house so expects everyone else to act as free storage for her) i didnt realise this at first but I kinda feel used. She does this to other people as well I gather.

Any advice for dealing with this situation.

Just don't accept the books anymore. I'm not sure how she can be forcing you to accept them unless she were holding a gun to you or something which seems highly unlikely. Just say no politely, thank her for the offer, but do not take the book (I mean, she can't really leave it with you if you don't take the book. She can leave it somewhere for you, but if you let her clearly know you will not be taking it, well then it's on her if it gets picked up by someone else, lost, etc. You are cleared of responsibility for it once you inform her that you will not be accepting it).

 

[Goodbook]

Um..we not american and dont use guns. But..i think people can force you to accept things using manipulation. Like she says oh can I leave it with you you are doing me a favour kind of thing. Before you know it shes dumped a whole lot of things on your doorstep.

 

[Goodbook]

I have said no to certain things I will not use. BUt i will just have to say a blanket NO to everything now. Its not just books, though books are a problem because she expects them back, but other things.

Ugh. I didnt ask for this. She just says you want this? You want this? And then next. Couple of weeks, you want this? At first you think, oh how lovely shes thinking of me. But then it turns out shes really only thinking about herself after all.

Anyway.im just really annoyed right now. She will say you know how you wanted blah blah blah and I dont ever remember saying I wanted something.

 

[Goodbook]

Put it in a box for her to pick it up or bring them back yourself.
Thank her for borrowing them, say you unfortunately have no room or time for it.
Maybe send them back by FedEx or something (depends on the distance).

my 2 cents

I didnt ask to borrow them you see.

 

[Goodbook]

Ill just say too bad about her book that got sent to the book exchange. Im not that keen on reading books from the 70s.

Anyway, maybe if I lose some stuff she expects back then she wont give me anymore. Would that work. I dont have time to be babysitting her possessions and being crowded out by her stuff.

Can anyone give me biblical advice for this situation please. Shes meant to be christian but i just find a check in my spirit about her behaviour. I dont know what it is. Maybe she just find it hard to let go??

 

[Goodbook]

I learned what an indian giver is..I dont think shes that bad but Im just a bit fed up with it when she does it all the time.

Gifts are freely given. If you lend something its usually the borrower has actually asked to borrow it. I dont know anyone who just offers things and then expects them back all the time except for her. People would call,that usury wouldnt they? Im pretty sure in the bible its got something about giving and not expecting anything in return.

 

[Hieronymus]

I didnt ask to borrow them you see.

Yes, but you did end up borrowing them somehow, right?

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

Ill just say too bad about her book that got sent to the book exchange. Im not that keen on reading books from the 70s.

Anyway, maybe if I lose some stuff she expects back then she wont give me anymore. Would that work. I dont have time to be babysitting her possessions and being crowded out by her stuff.

Can anyone give me biblical advice for this situation please. Shes meant to be christian but i just find a check in my spirit about her behaviour. I dont know what it is. Maybe she just find it hard to let go??

Mat 7:1 KJV
(1) Judge not, that ye be not judged.

only God sees the heart - never let yourself judge another person's motives; judge their fruits instead.

Rom 13:8 KJV
(8) Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.

return what she has given you (that you haven't given away), and don't receive anything else from her - you must be firm about this, but also kind.

 

[dhh712]

Um..we not american and dont use guns. But..i think people can force you to accept things using manipulation. Like she says oh can I leave it with you you are doing me a favour kind of thing. Before you know it shes dumped a whole lot of things on your doorstep.

She can't force you to accept it through manipulation if you don't allow yourself to be manipulated. If she says can I leave it with you, just say no. No one can force you to do anything (even if they were to use a gun; just thinking of an extreme situation where it can be said that you really didn't have a choice. Now if she were to hold a gun to you and say take my books, I'm sure I would take them at least!). You are allowing her to continue to give you the books if you accept anymore from her. Just have a backbone and say no. You don't have to be rude about it, but stand firm to your intent. Or, if you want to continue to let her walk all over you, then don't complain about it.

 

[ValleyGal]

Some books from the 70s are fantastic books. In the same way that we think of classics from the 1800s, in a hundred years, they will be looking back at some of the classics from the 1900s. Don't judge a book by the year it was written in.

I agree with the others who are telling you to simply say "no, thanks for offering." She is not manipulating or forcing anything onto you. All you have to do is simply and politely decline.

I also take offense to the term "Indian giver". It is derogatory to North American Natives, and my son happens to be one. It is politically and personally incorrect language and it is offensive.

 

[Goodbook]

? Im not letting her walk over me! Ive said NO as I said. Grr
What I want to know is biblical advice to deal with the situation. Pleasee dont respond if you going to judge me and not give proper biblical advice.

 

[Goodbook]

Yes, but you did end up borrowing them somehow, right?

No. If you borrow something, you choose. I didnt choose what to borrow.

 

[Goodbook]

Mat 7:1 KJV
(1) Judge not, that ye be not judged.

only God sees the heart - never let yourself judge another person's motives; judge their fruits instead.

Rom 13:8 KJV
(8) Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.

return what she has given you (that you haven't given away), and don't receive anything else from her - you must be firm about this, but also kind.

Well im confused about this fruit because of how it makes me feel. I dont feel peace about it. When other people give me anything I know exactly if its a gift or not. Its kinda hard if she just dumps on you and keeps asking to dump but makes it seem like you doing a favour. Its not just me, other people as well I heard.

 

[Goodbook]

If she keeps doing this I will have to break off contact thats how it is. Im not going to be a friend if all I am is to be used.
Eg. Once I had a classmate from primary school 'befriend' me off facebook and i thought yea we can catch up, As we were kind of buddies back then. But she wasnt interested in getting to know me again, all she wanted was to sell me tupperware and then recruit me into the Mlm business.

 

[Hieronymus]

No. If you borrow something, you choose. I didnt choose what to borrow.

But you have books that are not yours and you didn't steel them, she lend them to you.
Or did i misunderstand? (sorry)

 

[Goodbook]

No but I didn't choose to borrow them she just gave them to me. So I was unsure if she wanted me to keep them or not.

When I give books they are for people to keep and do what they like with and I already read them so I don't need them back. And if someone wants to just borrow they would ask me I don't just dump books on people saying they can borrow them when they weren't even really wanting to read them.

These things happen and I just find them a bit awkward cos I don't need to actually borrow these books. I go to the library to borrow books and choose what I want, they don't send them to me and they actually have a specified time period so I know I need to return them.

But if a person says oh you can have these books but I need them back I'm like well when cos I could just forget you know.

 

[Goodbook]

its like I give you this ...and then I want it back kind of thing, well you aren't really giving it are you. Esp if I didn't ask to be given anything.

Its kinda like credit card companies just giving you a credit card and saying you have money now. if you unwary you think wow, I have this money, but often you aren't aware theres strings attached. She didn't tell me the strings. I'm just super annoyed.

 

[mina]

There is nothing in the Bible that will speak exactly to your situation. The bible does say give to those that ask of you and go two miles with them if they ask for one mile. In some cases, you take what you know to be true of God and how to treat others and mix in common sense. In this case you politely say, " I'm sorry, but I don't want that". And then you don't take it. To end a friendship over this is not loving or kind. If you take the things, it is your fault, not anyone else's. If she persists, then you kindly explain or confess that it annoys you and ask her to stop. If you continue to take the things then you are allowing it and this problem in your life. Communicate and be an adult. Don't act like a mean middle school girl. It sounds as though you are just mad that you have to give the things back to her and want to paint her in a bad light to justify that. And sorry, but by this point in life, you should know how credit cards work. They have nothing to do with this situation.