BF upset because I want to stop having sex

[twins15]

It's not inherently misogynistic. Someone who requires sex in a relationship doesn't necessarily require sex because it's a woman they're in the relationship with. A woman could have the exact same perspective, inverted - and that wouldn't necessarily be misandry.

It is not inherently a misogynistic view... however, it is a very hedonistic, utlitiarian view and completely contrary to all Christian belief on relationships and marriage.

 

[DeathMagus]

It is not inherently a misogynistic view... however, it is a very hedonistic, utlitiarian view and completely contrary to all Christian belief on relationships and marriage.

I would be inclined to agree, if sex was the only expectation for the relationship. Including sex in a larger list of personal necessities for a healthy relationship is hardly hedonistic, utilitarian, or even anti-Christian.

In short - the OP is quite free to decide that not having sex is an essential part of a relationship with her at this juncture. Additionally, the young man she is currently seeing is free to decide that sex is an essential part of a relationship with him at this stage in his life. While the disagreement between the two will make a relationship difficult to impossible to continue, neither is a particularly unhealthy point of view - it's a matter of personal preference.

 

[twins15]

I would be inclined to agree, if sex was the only expectation for the relationship. Including sex in a larger list of personal necessities for a healthy relationship is hardly hedonistic, utilitarian, or even anti-Christian.

I agree in the sense that if a couple is married and they do not have sex, there is something very wrong with that picture!

If "putting out" is even one of a thousand the necessities for a relationship prior to marriage, I would argue that is ALWAYS an anti-Christian viewpoint...

 

[DeathMagus]

I agree in the sense that if a couple is married and they do not have sex, there is something very wrong with that picture!

If "putting out" is even one of a thousand the necessities for a relationship prior to marriage, I would argue that is ALWAYS an anti-Christian viewpoint...

The nomenclature leaves a lot to be desired, it is true.

 

[buterkup2]

It isn't that he actually states it is required, but he says that this is a form of intimacy that we share and now I am taking it away. It worries me about our future because since this issue started we have grown more distant. He seems more easily irritable with me and colder. The usual romantic gestures and touches are few and far between. And to get out frustration at me he throws sarcastic remarks in joking ways. So what should bring us closer, which is sharing our life together with God is actually putting distance between us. we agree to disagree he says, but there is resentment there. It is like one of us is gonna have to give or something.

 

[highlife]

It isn't that he actually states it is required, but he says that this is a form of intimacy that we share and now I am taking it away. It worries me about our future because since this issue started we have grown more distant. He seems more easily irritable with me and colder. The usual romantic gestures and touches are few and far between. And to get out frustration at me he throws sarcastic remarks in joking ways. So what should bring us closer, which is sharing our life together with God is actually putting distance between us. we agree to disagree he says, but there is resentment there. It is like one of us is gonna have to give or something.

I dont agree with the sarcasitc remarks thats just rude, but since you have cut off sex you have turned it into a non romantic relationship which is what most non sexual relationships are. Most christians that are not married are not touching each other or kissing because while that may be ok for the woman but it creates alot of frustration for the guy even if sex was never present in the relationship before becuase men are sexual beings. Also I would think if I were dating in a traditional christian/mormon way it would be like 3 dates a week, no touching or holding hands or kissing because thoes things lead to arousal also the dates would always be in a public place, no sitting on a couch by yourselves cuddleing up watching a movie because again sexual arousal on the part of the man is to great.

I have noticed to a certian extent that woman want to have their cake and eat it too since all the romantic things outside of sex are not nessicarily sin and a woman gets MUCH more out of thoes relational things than a man does. However thoes things create a huge stumbling block for most men because they want to have sex.

So you have to decide if this is really how you want to play this, the bible says things other than just dont have sex before marriage, in fact the bible does not really explicitly define what has to occure before a couple is married so this situation is probalby the least biblical of all the common "issues" that are typically brought up in church. If you believe that you should not be having sex with him that also means you have to sacrafice any semblance that you are in a romantic relationship together because you should not even have the appearance of "sin" (if you infact believe you 2 are not married, which I think you are), you are also not to be a stumbling block to others.

I am not sure the specifics of the sarcastic remarks but if they are along the lines of you wanting to do romantic things without the sex then they are well founded, its not right for him to be rude about it but he is correct.

 

[married0116]

That's great that you have dedicated your life to Christ! Know that if he really loves you, he will respect you... even though it is super hard (I can imagine) to go from a sexual relationship to a non-sexual one (I don't know, as we waited until marriage). I would sit down and talk with him, express your love for him, but let him know that you want to obey God and honor and respect Him. That is the pure thing to do -- and it's difficult to wait til marriage, but SO worth it.

 

[Melethiel]

Also know that highlife's post is certainly not indicative of every man out there. My fiance and I don't have sex, but ours is far from a "non romantic relationship". We kiss, cuddle, make out, etc, and he tells me that he enjoys it just as much as I do. Just because highlife thinks that a relationship without sex is pointless, doesn't mean everyone thinks that way.

 

[highlife]

Also know that highlife's post is certainly not indicative of every man out there. My fiance and I don't have sex, but ours is far from a "non romantic relationship". We kiss, cuddle, make out, etc, and he tells me that he enjoys it just as much as I do. Just because highlife thinks that a relationship without sex is pointless, doesn't mean everyone thinks that way.

It sounds like thats how her BF is though and if thats the case she needs to respect that just like he has to respect that she does not want sex. She should not be causing him to stumble. I never said they cant have a relationship they just cant have a romantic relationship, they have to have dates in public places, not live together, not kiss or any of that, im not sure why thats bad adivce unless your just trying to smear me becuase your one of thoes woman that likes to have her cake and eat it too. If you BF/fiance is ok with that then good for you but thats not what it sounds like for the OP.

If she cant respect that thats what he needs to function in a non sexual relationship then she needs to break it off, because if she keeps nagging at him about it he will be the one breaking it off.

 

[ktl549]

I can totally relate to you cause I was in the exact same situation!! I was living with my boyfriend, and we were also having sex however I knew that it was wrong, it was a sin and that I had to keep myself pure for God. My boyfriend did not understand my decision at all and it caused months of arguments for us, just like you he acted like the victim and made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for wanting to honour God. In the end though I had to make a decision, either Follow God and keep his commandments as Jesus said ''if you love me you will keep my commandments'', or give in to my boyfriend and keep having sex. Although it wasn't an easy decision I decided to follow God, and told my boyfriend if he doesn't respect my wishes then I will be leaving, and althought i love him I love God more. This is what you will have to decide, who do you love more? Your boyfriend or God? It won't be an easy thing to do, but luckily you have God on your side, and he will give you the wisdom to say and do the right thing, keep up your prayers and faith in God as you will need it!! Also be prepared to leave your boyfriend if he says he cannot honour this request from you.. If you want to know what happened after I told my boyfriend? Well at first he wasn't happy at all, but a day later he came to me and said ''I think we should stop having sex, cause I don't think it's right anymore'', WOW!! Talk about complete turnaround, I was completely Gobsmacked and I know it was only God's doing that turned him around..So to date we made that decision last year in March, and surprisingly it has been alot easier than most would think, we do still live together, but the furtherest we will do is cuddle, and a kiss or peck on the cheek. Dont ever go beyond pashing or french kissing, I know that sounds weird, but trust me once you start pushing it further and further next minute you know your in the bed naked together, so try keep it as clean as you can. We also never take showers together and I always make sure I don't undress naked infront of him or be overtly sexual to him and he does the same to me. Im not sure if you live by yourselves, but maybe even move in with other people as this will also curb the temptation (that is if you are still planning to live together). Also keep up with reading Gods word, Revelation 22:14-15 - Blessed are those who wash their robes, so that they will have the right to the tree of life and may enter the city by the gates. Outside are the dogs and sorcerers and fornicators and murderers and idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood. Also Galatians 1:10-Am I now seeking human approval or Gods approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people I would not be servant of Christ. If your boyfriend really does love you, and is really wanting to commit to God like yourself he will come around, however you need to keep moving forward with God, and it may hurt but in the end you need to love and put God above everything other thing/being in your life. You will be amazed at what God gives you in return once you commit to him!!! My prayers are with you sister!!! xo

 

[highlife]

I can totally relate to you cause I was in the exact same situation!! I was living with my boyfriend, and we were also having sex however I knew that it was wrong, it was a sin and that I had to keep myself pure for God. My boyfriend did not understand my decision at all and it caused months of arguments for us, just like you he acted like the victim and made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for wanting to honour God. In the end though I had to make a decision, either Follow God and keep his commandments as Jesus said ''if you love me you will keep my commandments'', or give in to my boyfriend and keep having sex. Although it wasn't an easy decision I decided to follow God, and told my boyfriend if he doesn't respect my wishes then I will be leaving, and althought i love him I love God more. This is what you will have to decide, who do you love more? Your boyfriend or God? It won't be an easy thing to do, but luckily you have God on your side, and he will give you the wisdom to say and do the right thing, keep up your prayers and faith in God as you will need it!! Also be prepared to leave your boyfriend if he says he cannot honour this request from you.. If you want to know what happened after I told my boyfriend? Well at first he wasn't happy at all, but a day later he came to me and said ''I think we should stop having sex, cause I don't think it's right anymore'', WOW!! Talk about complete turnaround, I was completely Gobsmacked and I know it was only God's doing that turned him around..So to date we made that decision last year in March, and surprisingly it has been alot easier than most would think, we do still live together, but the furtherest we will do is cuddle, and a kiss or peck on the cheek. Dont ever go beyond pashing or french kissing, I know that sounds weird, but trust me once you start pushing it further and further next minute you know your in the bed naked together, so try keep it as clean as you can. We also never take showers together and I always make sure I don't undress naked infront of him or be overtly sexual to him and he does the same to me. Im not sure if you live by yourselves, but maybe even move in with other people as this will also curb the temptation (that is if you are still planning to live together). Also keep up with reading Gods word, Revelation 22:14-15 - Blessed are those who wash their robes, so that they will have the right to the tree of life and may enter the city by the gates. Outside are the dogs and sorcerers and fornicators and murderers and idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood. Also Galatians 1:10-Am I now seeking human approval or Gods approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people I would not be servant of Christ. If your boyfriend really does love you, and is really wanting to commit to God like yourself he will come around, however you need to keep moving forward with God, and it may hurt but in the end you need to love and put God above everything other thing/being in your life. You will be amazed at what God gives you in return once you commit to him!!! My prayers are with you sister!!! xo

You should probably look up the greek word they use for fornication in the english bible, it does not mean what people think it means. I think its really strange that you live together and have not married for over a year and are not having sex, he must be extermely desperate. Who is the one benifiting the most for this bizare living arrangement? If you really loved him you would jsut get on with the marriage so that he is not MB in the shower.

I feel really sorry for this guy, he must feel like he cant do any better. If you were really following God you would move out on your own and let the cards fall where they may.

 

[ktl549]

You should probably look up the greek word they use for fornication in the english bible, it does not mean what people think it means. I think its really strange that you live together and have not married for over a year and are not having sex, he must be extermely desperate. Who is the one benifiting the most for this bizare living arrangement? If you really loved him you would jsut get on with the marriage so that he is not MB in the shower.

I feel really sorry for this guy, he must feel like he cant do any better. If you were really following God you would move out on your own and let the cards fall where they may.

The greek word for fornication means alot more than what most people would think it means, I can recommend a good website which gives alot of the different meanings of the word fornication in the greek language. It is Jesus-messiah, .com. I think it's really strange that you even comment and judge so quickly on my page when I am simply trying to encourage another 'sister in christ' to follow God. I thought this forum was for encouragement and edification not tearing down and judgement. For your information no my partner is not 'desperate' as you say, he is a very handsome and good looking male, and would have alot of women wanting to date him if he were single. But I suppose when you are an ex-model you would get that wouldnt you? No 'Highlife' the reason is quite simple, it's because he loves me, he has never felt this way about anyone in his life until he met me. We have been through our struggles together and our highs together, I am his bestfriend and he is mine, we hang out all the time, talk about everything, goof around and adore each other. You say if I really loved him I would get on with the marriage?? What the...seriously this is some wicked judgement coming from someone who doesn't even know myself, my partner or our situation..If you must know though we definitely do want to get married, yes 2011 was going to be our year, for engagement, then eventually marriage, as we both live in a foreign country (australia) but are from NZ our families are all overseas so unlike people who just get married for the sake of 'having sex' or to just 'get married' we wanted to wait until we had the funds and were stable and when our families could afford to come over. Unfortuately life has a good way of throwing obstacles at you, and my partners dad died suddenly at the end of the year from a heart attack, and now my partner is 26 without father or mother (his mother died from the disease MS), he had only just gotten over his mothers death let alone his dad dying aswell. So once again we have had to spend our savings on going back to NZ for the funeral, and right before christmas you can only imagine the cost of this. So at this present time, we are slowly getting through this, and for the grace of God he is helping us do it. My partner is receiving counselling, and I commend him because not many males would have the courage to admit they aren't stable and want to get counselling, so once again marriage is on the backburner whilst we get through this difficult stage in our lives. My partner does not feel like he can't do any better, it is because he loves me AND he loves God that he wants to do this, and I can assure you our relationship has been so much better for it, we talk more, fight less and on our wedding night when we do share our special night together it will mean so much more. So tell me since you are such the 'expert' on my life how would I 'really be following God' if I were to move out?? The reason I haven't moved out is because he didn't want me to, I was willing to move out if it would make it easier for him. Not to mention the fact we pretty much share a whole household together, it would be pretty strange to move out and split everything. If a guy is going to MB in the shower don't you think he will do it whether or not his girlfriend lives there? I have a scripture for you, it's something Jesus said - 'Do not judge, so that you will not be judged, for in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure.

 

[highlife]

The greek word for fornication means alot more than what most people would think it means, I can recommend a good website which gives alot of the different meanings of the word fornication in the greek language. It is Jesus-messiah, .com. I think it's really strange that you even comment and judge so quickly on my page when I am simply trying to encourage another 'sister in christ' to follow God. I thought this forum was for encouragement and edification not tearing down and judgement. For your information no my partner is not 'desperate' as you say, he is a very handsome and good looking male, and would have alot of women wanting to date him if he were single. But I suppose when you are an ex-model you would get that wouldnt you? No 'Highlife' the reason is quite simple, it's because he loves me, he has never felt this way about anyone in his life until he met me. We have been through our struggles together and our highs together, I am his bestfriend and he is mine, we hang out all the time, talk about everything, goof around and adore each other. You say if I really loved him I would get on with the marriage?? What the...seriously this is some wicked judgement coming from someone who doesn't even know myself, my partner or our situation..If you must know though we definitely do want to get married, yes 2011 was going to be our year, for engagement, then eventually marriage, as we both live in a foreign country (australia) but are from NZ our families are all overseas so unlike people who just get married for the sake of 'having sex' or to just 'get married' we wanted to wait until we had the funds and were stable and when our families could afford to come over. Unfortuately life has a good way of throwing obstacles at you, and my partners dad died suddenly at the end of the year from a heart attack, and now my partner is 26 without father or mother (his mother died from the disease MS), he had only just gotten over his mothers death let alone his dad dying aswell. So once again we have had to spend our savings on going back to NZ for the funeral, and right before christmas you can only imagine the cost of this. So at this present time, we are slowly getting through this, and for the grace of God he is helping us do it. My partner is receiving counselling, and I commend him because not many males would have the courage to admit they aren't stable and want to get counselling, so once again marriage is on the backburner whilst we get through this difficult stage in our lives. My partner does not feel like he can't do any better, it is because he loves me AND he loves God that he wants to do this, and I can assure you our relationship has been so much better for it, we talk more, fight less and on our wedding night when we do share our special night together it will mean so much more. So tell me since you are such the 'expert' on my life how would I 'really be following God' if I were to move out?? The reason I haven't moved out is because he didn't want me to, I was willing to move out if it would make it easier for him. Not to mention the fact we pretty much share a whole household together, it would be pretty strange to move out and split everything. If a guy is going to MB in the shower don't you think he will do it whether or not his girlfriend lives there? I have a scripture for you, it's something Jesus said - 'Do not judge, so that you will not be judged, for in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure.

You are correct I should not judge, I just feel really bad for this guy because he is enduring all the responsibilities of a marriage with none of the benifits (ie sex). Your entire post sounds as if you ARE married, you simply dont have a piece of paper and dont have sex. Does he have to call in with you if he is going to be out late or is it strictly a roomate type living situation where you are there and do your thing and he does his thing and you go on dates as if you lived apart?

I guess if he is totally ok with that then who am I to judge, its certianly not what I did or would do though. 2011 for engagement and then what 2012, 2013 for marriage, thats a REALLY long time of not having sex just so you can throw a big party for family (which by the way is not even biblical, its a cultural requirement for marriage).

The decisions some people make really baffle me, so im sorry if I came off as judging.

The greek for fornication is inappropriate contentiea which in OT times refered to temple prostituion, thats a pretty big difference from a commited couple having sex without a state issued piece of paper. Thats just a side bar. Temple prostitution and prostitution in general was a big temptation for Jews during the OT time and during the time around christ which is why Paul recommends marrying (ie a commited relationship with someone to take care of your needs) so you do not stumble with temple prostitutes or harlots. The spin the modern church has put on that wiht marraige licences is blasphomus in my opinion and places an unnessicary burden on the body of christ.

 

[Boondock_Saint]

I must start by saying that you are in the right. But I want to be careful not to put words or action into his mouth. Remember it is a two way street. Try to understand where he is coming from. At the same time hold your ground. You are doing the right thing and you are doing it for the right reason.

You never know, it may cause a little motivation on his part.

 

[PaulOguns]

I actually commend you for wanting to do the right thing, whenever we find ourselves in a situation where we have to choose between pleasing God and pleasing man - God should always come out on top. Never compromise.

Maybe you guys should just get married, if you love each other and want o spend the rest of your lives together, just get married and then living together and having sex wont be a problem. Like the Apostle Paul said, it is better to marry than to burn.

if marriage is not an option and he insists on fornicating and using masturbation to blackmail you, then maybe you guys should just go your separate ways, when the bible talks about not being unequally yoked, most people think it just applies to not dating or marrying unbelievers but it can also mean not being unequally yoked with a believer that will make you compromise and sin against God.

The relationship is already built on a shaky foundation so maybe going your separate ways and starting over with a man that will hold the same convictions as you might be the best option.

In any case remember what the bible says: in all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct you path. Commit the matter to God in prayer and trust God to lead you.

< staff edit > < staff edit > < staff edit >

 

[DYOLF]

Show him this verse, "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge." Hebrews 13:4 (Updated New American Standard Bible). There are others I just can't think of any. Good luck .

Well said.
But why don't they just get married.They been 2gether for 4 yrs

 

[DYOLF]

You are your own person and must do what the Holy Spirit is telling you to do. I'd totally respect that.

As a guy, I can also relate to your BF. I'd not like to be cut off from making love to my GF. Masturbation is nice but that has some limitations as well. So ya, its going to create tension.

Are you a Christian sir?

 

[dayhiker]

yes, DYOLF .. I've loved Jesus for 49 years.