anyone have any insight?

[Catherineanne]

One day, my father put a chemical I'm allergic to on the cat. I had a reaction bad enough that my mother and now husband wanted to take me to the ER. I couldn't breath, my throat and tongue were swelling, my lung ceased up. My father laughed and put the chemical on the carpet. To this day, if he can get ahold of the chemical and knows we are coming, he will spray it on the carpet and in the air. When you are told that you are of no more value than watching you suffocate and laugh about it, it does something to your understanding of how people view you.

I am not sure if this will help or not, but I hope it does.

In dysfunctional families one consistent feature is lack of clear boundaries. In simple terms, people are so enmeshed with one another that there is no clear divide between them. Symptoms of this are when your family come to visit and expect always to be admitted; they cannot conceive of not being able to invade your home any time they want to. The same goes for your own personal space; abuse always involves crossing of interpersonal boundaries.

In the situation you describe the loathing is not really about you at all. Your father clearly is full of SELF loathing, probably taught him by his own parents. He does not have the awareness to deal with this, and he cannot cope with the pain of it, so he displaces the loathing onto you. This is not his loathing; he does not hate you. His parents hate him; he does not know how to deal with it, so he projects it away.

His behaviour is appalling; totally unacceptable. But he is not choosing this behaviour; because he is not aware of any of the hidden dynamics behind it, he is also not aware of the seriousness of it, or the covert messages he is conveying third hand to you. If challenged no doubt he would relabel his cruel behaviour as a joke. It is far from funny, as you realise.

Those messages are very damaging indeed, and need to be unravelled. You are a lovely person, R, and you do not deserve to be treated with this terrible degree of disrespect. You do not deserve such cruelty from your father. Sadly, however, this is the only way he knows to behave because this is all he ever received himself.

As long as he remains unaware, the only answer is to limit contact as much as you can, and to remember to always keep hold of what is true; you are fully deserving of love and respect, and your Heavenly Father will never abandon you.

 

[razzelflabben]

I am not sure if this will help or not, but I hope it does.

In dysfunctional families one consistent feature is lack of clear boundaries. In simple terms, people are so enmeshed with one another that there is no clear divide between them. Symptoms of this are when your family come to visit and expect always to be admitted; they cannot conceive of not being able to invade your home any time they want to. The same goes for your own personal space; abuse always involves crossing of interpersonal boundaries.

In the situation you describe the loathing is not really about you at all. Your father clearly is full of SELF loathing, probably taught him by his own parents. He does not have the awareness to deal with this, and he cannot cope with the pain of it, so he displaces the loathing onto you. This is not his loathing; he does not hate you. His parents hate him; he does not know how to deal with it, so he projects it away.

His behaviour is appalling; totally unacceptable. But he is not choosing this behaviour; because he is not aware of any of the hidden dynamics behind it, he is also not aware of the seriousness of it, or the covert messages he is conveying third hand to you. If challenged no doubt he would relabel his cruel behaviour as a joke. It is far from funny, as you realise.

Those messages are very damaging indeed, and need to be unravelled. You are a lovely person, R, and you do not deserve to be treated with this terrible degree of disrespect. You do not deserve such cruelty from your father. Sadly, however, this is the only way he knows to behave because this is all he ever received himself.

As long as he remains unaware, the only answer is to limit contact as much as you can, and to remember to always keep hold of what is true; you are fully deserving of love and respect, and your Heavenly Father will never abandon you.

actually, I love the way you worded this, very helpful. My fathers bitterness is mostly a product of his own greed. Not saying my grandparents had no part in it, as we all know, in a family everyone is responsible. It stems from him wanting to be rich and God's desire was a bit different. Think, living for the sole purpose of being wealthy but born into a family of uneducated migrant workers who worked up to farm through hard work not inheritance. So when my father wanted to buy a farm and couldn't afford it, he wanted my grandparents to buy it for him, they refused (knowing they couldn't afford it). Years passed by, and the farm my father wanted was purchased by a rich farmer who got even richer and my father never forgave my grandparents because that should have been him...(my father did own a farm, but not the same one and never because wealthy in his own eyes though I personally think between 1/2 mil and 1 mil is wealthy)

But for years now, I have known that my father does loves me, as does my mother who confessed being jealous of me, which drives her verbal abuse and my brother who molested me. I get that, worked through enough stuff to figure it out....thinking things through...maybe the heart of my current issue is that I have learned that love is to be treated with evil not good. Hum...I'm seeing some things here. I feel more loved when I am struggling, hurting, and making life easier for others than when I am comfortable and everything is good. Having things work out for me, is uncomfortable...the question is why? Maybe because I was taught that love is painful, hurtful, destructive behavior. I know in my head this isn't right, and worry myself sick that I might treat someone else with pain, but it's the only love I know, or at least recognize in my heart.

Interesting...thanks...I think you are the first person ever to tell me his behavior was wrong. Most people just assume I already know that, and where I do, having it confirmed with words, is a big deal, something I have needed for a very long time...thanks

 

[razzelflabben]

Now, the real fun begins. I understand why I feel the way I do, and I begin to work on it...then, Sat. we went to church like we usually do. I started having an allergic reaction. Couldn't figure it out, none of the usual culprits fit the reaction. In fact, I have had anaphylactic reactions all my life, and this is the first one that has scared me. Anyway, I managed to suffer through church and afterwards found out that the Ass. Pastor had sprayed the parking lot with chemicals (one of my major allergens) I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed for 2 days, yesterday I was up a couple of hours and today I'm having complications that have had me in bed most of the day. Called the Ass. to ask that the next time, he call when he puts chemicals on that close to service. He made a political argument to my husband leaving us not knowing if he put the chemicals on before or after rain...if before rain, then the rain would have washed it away meaning there is something else I am deathly allergic to that we need to identify. If after, it's the chemicals and all we need is a simple phone call. When we couldn't get a simple straight answer, we went to the pastor and ask for his help. Basically he offered to find someone to take our SS class until we figured out what was going on, but refused to try to get a straight answer from the ASS. so now, the battle over understanding all this, begins all over again, because now, I'm not even worthy of a straight answer, to a life or death situation. So sick! so frustrated! So done fighting just to breath!

NOT SUICIDAL you all! Just tired

 

[Catherineanne]

actually, I love the way you worded this, very helpful. My fathers bitterness is mostly a product of his own greed. Not saying my grandparents had no part in it, as we all know, in a family everyone is responsible. It stems from him wanting to be rich and God's desire was a bit different. Think, living for the sole purpose of being wealthy but born into a family of uneducated migrant workers who worked up to farm through hard work not inheritance. So when my father wanted to buy a farm and couldn't afford it, he wanted my grandparents to buy it for him, they refused (knowing they couldn't afford it). Years passed by, and the farm my father wanted was purchased by a rich farmer who got even richer and my father never forgave my grandparents because that should have been him...(my father did own a farm, but not the same one and never because wealthy in his own eyes though I personally think between 1/2 mil and 1 mil is wealthy)

Very often abused people will sabotage themselves. I am aware of this in myself; I paint beautiful pictures, but when it comes to organising an exhibition or selling them, something causes me to freeze. I can give the pictures away for nothing, but I find it very difficult to sell them, even to people who are willing to pay money.

Your father may be the same; something about his upbringing makes him reluctant to be more fortunate, more successful than his own father. He will not be aware of this, and as you rightly observe, he will resent it hugely, and again project away his own failings onto someone else. He blames his parents and in a sense he is right. In another sense an adult has to get a grip of their own life and take responsiblity for it. I know the theory, but I too am unable to break out of this.

My only hope is that I have broken the cycle with my daughter, and she is not afraid to be successful.

But for years now, I have known that my father does loves me, as does my mother who confessed being jealous of me, which drives her verbal abuse and my brother who molested me. I get that, worked through enough stuff to figure it out....thinking things through...maybe the heart of my current issue is that I have learned that love is to be treated with evil not good. Hum...I'm seeing some things here. I feel more loved when I am struggling, hurting, and making life easier for others than when I am comfortable and everything is good. Having things work out for me, is uncomfortable...the question is why? Maybe because I was taught that love is painful, hurtful, destructive behavior. I know in my head this isn't right, and worry myself sick that I might treat someone else with pain, but it's the only love I know, or at least recognize in my heart.

It is the only love they know, yes. And it is abusive, dysfunctional love.

This is why people such as yourself and myself will marry the wrong person; we will be attracted by what is familiar; us looking after other people and being horribly neglected ourselves. We think the family story is that when our time comes round we will be protected in turn. In fact it is not like this; when our time comes round we will be resented as weak, or as attention seeking, or as overly demanding, and our families will pull away from us, just when we need them most.

They can't help it. This is what they think love is.

Interesting...thanks...I think you are the first person ever to tell me his behavior was wrong. Most people just assume I already know that, and where I do, having it confirmed with words, is a big deal, something I have needed for a very long time...thanks

In a way you do know, but a lot of that knowing is hidden deep inside. I have found that one way to deal with abuse is to always recognise the truth, and then state it openly. No secrets, no lies.

You are a wonderful person, R. You are deeply caring, and capable of giving love and support even when in the most terrible pain yourself. You certainly do not deserve to be abused.

Your family cannot help what they are doing. This is not an excuse for them; they are wrong, wrong, wrong. But all you can do is limit the time you spend with them; protect yourself because they are quite simply incapable of protecting you. They probably never could. This is not personal; it is not that something is missing or inadequate in you. Something is very much missing in them.

I struggle with this as well. I am chronically abused, and have most recently been abused all over again at my church, as you know. It is very difficult to unravel this and work out that we do not deserve this, and that other people have issues that they are not addressing, and which are causing them to harm those around them. You and I are vulnerable, and we will be most easily hurt. But it is not about us; it is about them.

 

[Catherineanne]

Now, the real fun begins. I understand why I feel the way I do, and I begin to work on it...then, Sat. we went to church like we usually do. I started having an allergic reaction. Couldn't figure it out, none of the usual culprits fit the reaction. In fact, I have had anaphylactic reactions all my life, and this is the first one that has scared me. Anyway, I managed to suffer through church and afterwards found out that the Ass. Pastor had sprayed the parking lot with chemicals (one of my major allergens) I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed for 2 days, yesterday I was up a couple of hours and today I'm having complications that have had me in bed most of the day. Called the Ass. to ask that the next time, he call when he puts chemicals on that close to service. He made a political argument to my husband leaving us not knowing if he put the chemicals on before or after rain...if before rain, then the rain would have washed it away meaning there is something else I am deathly allergic to that we need to identify. If after, it's the chemicals and all we need is a simple phone call. When we couldn't get a simple straight answer, we went to the pastor and ask for his help. Basically he offered to find someone to take our SS class until we figured out what was going on, but refused to try to get a straight answer from the ASS. so now, the battle over understanding all this, begins all over again, because now, I'm not even worthy of a straight answer, to a life or death situation. So sick! so frustrated! So done fighting just to breath!

NOT SUICIDAL you all! Just tired

I can understand your frustration. I think it might help to put your request in writing. This is a complex situation, and the church may be afraid of making a commitment that it later forgets, and being sued as a result. Expecting someone to remember to make a phone call is not a sufficient protection, in my view.

I think I would also check out the legalities of this; you suffer an immediate reaction, but other people may be affected at a different level. It is probably in everyone's interests for chemical use to be carried out as far as possible away from service times. Therefore, I think I would suggest that for the sake of everyone attending the church, including children, that any chemicals in the car park be used on a Monday, to give several days for the effects to dissipate.

That would be a sensible approach which would help everyone, and would not mean anyone having to remember to phone you. If you mention that children may be affected without realising it, and that the church is risking liability by spraying close to service times, and then suggest a reasonable alternative, then you may find that the response is a little more positive. And on principle, when I write a letter such as this, I always copy it to whoever that person reports to; that way you are more likely to get their attention. If that does not work, go up a grade, and simply keep on going; we are all under authority. Eventually you will find someone high enough who understands the issues sufficiently to respond in a sensible way.

God be with you, dear R.

 

[razzelflabben]

Very often abused people will sabotage themselves. I am aware of this in myself; I paint beautiful pictures, but when it comes to organising an exhibition or selling them, something causes me to freeze. I can give the pictures away for nothing, but I find it very difficult to sell them, even to people who are willing to pay money.

Your father may be the same; something about his upbringing makes him reluctant to be more fortunate, more successful than his own father. He will not be aware of this, and as you rightly observe, he will resent it hugely, and again project away his own failings onto someone else. He blames his parents and in a sense he is right. In another sense an adult has to get a grip of their own life and take responsiblity for it. I know the theory, but I too am unable to break out of this.

My only hope is that I have broken the cycle with my daughter, and she is not afraid to be successful.



It is the only love they know, yes. And it is abusive, dysfunctional love.

This is why people such as yourself and myself will marry the wrong person; we will be attracted by what is familiar; us looking after other people and being horribly neglected ourselves. We think the family story is that when our time comes round we will be protected in turn. In fact it is not like this; when our time comes round we will be resented as weak, or as attention seeking, or as overly demanding, and our families will pull away from us, just when we need them most.

actually, God blessed me greatly with a wonderful husband. We had our bout with inappropriate content addiction but he was willing to go to extreme limits to be the man God called to be, and he is absolutely my earthly refuge. He babies me, protects me, hides me away in his heart, and, understands me sometimes better than I understand myself. He even is patient enough to help me figure where all this comes from. I would be lost without him. Just taking a moment to sing his praises...

They can't help it. This is what they think love is.

In a way you do know, but a lot of that knowing is hidden deep inside. I have found that one way to deal with abuse is to always recognise the truth, and then state it openly. No secrets, no lies.

lol I learned that only a couple of years ago, and you are right...putting a name to the truth of the matter was/is very healing. To bad it took me so long to figure that one out.

You are a wonderful person, R. You are deeply caring, and capable of giving love and support even when in the most terrible pain yourself. You certainly do not deserve to be abused.

Your family cannot help what they are doing. This is not an excuse for them; they are wrong, wrong, wrong. But all you can do is limit the time you spend with them; protect yourself because they are quite simply incapable of protecting you. They probably never could. This is not personal; it is not that something is missing or inadequate in you. Something is very much missing in them.

I struggle with this as well. I am chronically abused, and have most recently been abused all over again at my church, as you know. It is very difficult to unravel this and work out that we do not deserve this, and that other people have issues that they are not addressing, and which are causing them to harm those around them. You and I are vulnerable, and we will be most easily hurt. But it is not about us; it is about them.

thanks, I'm not sure you will ever know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.

 

[razzelflabben]

I can understand your frustration. I think it might help to put your request in writing. This is a complex situation, and the church may be afraid of making a commitment that it later forgets, and being sued as a result. Expecting someone to remember to make a phone call is not a sufficient protection, in my view.

I think I would also check out the legalities of this; you suffer an immediate reaction, but other people may be affected at a different level. It is probably in everyone's interests for chemical use to be carried out as far as possible away from service times. Therefore, I think I would suggest that for the sake of everyone attending the church, including children, that any chemicals in the car park be used on a Monday, to give several days for the effects to dissipate.

That would be a sensible approach which would help everyone, and would not mean anyone having to remember to phone you. If you mention that children may be affected without realising it, and that the church is risking liability by spraying close to service times, and then suggest a reasonable alternative, then you may find that the response is a little more positive. And on principle, when I write a letter such as this, I always copy it to whoever that person reports to; that way you are more likely to get their attention. If that does not work, go up a grade, and simply keep on going; we are all under authority. Eventually you will find someone high enough who understands the issues sufficiently to respond in a sensible way.

God be with you, dear R.

actually we didn't think about writing a letter...when one of the trustees found out what happened, he was on it already, so we didn't feel the need to take that part any further. In fact, when the pastor found out, he was ready to put out a call to everyone if it ever happened again...in fact, our only problem is with the ass pastor, who did the spraying (still don't know why, wasn't his job) and refuses to tell us when in the day he did it, before or after the rain, because that will tell us if the issue is chemicals or some unidentified substance. Even my cardiologist has told me that there is no way to know everything I'm allergic to...so knowing if it was a reaction to the weed killer, or something else, is a life or death thing, but we can't get a straight answer from him and no one wants to push him for it. I just want to know if I need to look into something else, or if the issue has been addressed and over, my system can't handle another hit like that one. argh...so frustrated, too tired to fight for the breath I need to stay alive! but we have to fight to get a straight answer...seriously, how hard is the word, before or after the rain...just want to cry...so many people worried about correcting the issue, but the one person guilty won't even say, before or after, so we can move on...(side note, there was water seeping in the church with all the flooding, had a cleaning crew come in and clean this week. Can't imagine that being the problem, but can't take a chance either)

 

[Catherineanne]

actually, God blessed me greatly with a wonderful husband. We had our bout with inappropriate content addiction but he was willing to go to extreme limits to be the man God called to be, and he is absolutely my earthly refuge. He babies me, protects me, hides me away in his heart, and, understands me sometimes better than I understand myself. He even is patient enough to help me figure where all this comes from. I would be lost without him. Just taking a moment to sing his praises...

You have indeed been very fortunate. God is good!!

lol I learned that only a couple of years ago, and you are right...putting a name to the truth of the matter was/is very healing. To bad it took me so long to figure that one out.

I think this one is a process. No matter how much truth we know, there is always more to discover.

thanks, I'm not sure you will ever know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.

You are really kind; I appreciate that very much. Thank you.

 

[Catherineanne]

actually we didn't think about writing a letter...when one of the trustees found out what happened, he was on it already, so we didn't feel the need to take that part any further. In fact, when the pastor found out, he was ready to put out a call to everyone if it ever happened again...in fact, our only problem is with the ass pastor, who did the spraying (still don't know why, wasn't his job) and refuses to tell us when in the day he did it, before or after the rain, because that will tell us if the issue is chemicals or some unidentified substance. Even my cardiologist has told me that there is no way to know everything I'm allergic to...so knowing if it was a reaction to the weed killer, or something else, is a life or death thing, but we can't get a straight answer from him and no one wants to push him for it. I just want to know if I need to look into something else, or if the issue has been addressed and over, my system can't handle another hit like that one. argh...so frustrated, too tired to fight for the breath I need to stay alive! but we have to fight to get a straight answer...seriously, how hard is the word, before or after the rain...just want to cry...so many people worried about correcting the issue, but the one person guilty won't even say, before or after, so we can move on...(side note, there was water seeping in the church with all the flooding, had a cleaning crew come in and clean this week. Can't imagine that being the problem, but can't take a chance either)

That all sounds immensely frustrating.

I think it is clear that you cannot fight this particular battle while fighting for your health as well. Your priority has to be yourself, even if you miss church for a while.

I am really sorry you have so much to deal with, and so little understanding. You will be in my prayers, as ever.

Lord, have mercy,
Christ, have mercy,
Lord, have mercy.

 

[razzelflabben]

That all sounds immensely frustrating.

I think it is clear that you cannot fight this particular battle while fighting for your health as well. Your priority has to be yourself, even if you miss church for a while.

I am really sorry you have so much to deal with, and so little understanding. You will be in my prayers, as ever.

Lord, have mercy,
Christ, have mercy,
Lord, have mercy.

not doing too well at the moment and have to take our son to the city tomorrow...thanks for being so kind...

 

[Catherineanne]

not doing too well at the moment and have to take our son to the city tomorrow...thanks for being so kind...

I hope all goes well today.

May the Lord be with you.

 

[razzelflabben]

Heart is back to a normal beat (yeah) lungs still hurting and hurting worse the more I'm up...still at about 1/2 lung capacity which means I'm flirting with dizziness all the time....getting ready to take our son into the city for a job interview (he can't drive a stick and we haven't been able to trade for an automatic yet, car was given to him) city always steals about 2 seconds of air no matter what I do, which will put me at about 1/3 lung capacity if the pattern holds, before I can get home and collapse back in bed. Still no straight answer as to before or after, so still don't know how serious being out could be, cause don't know if it is just chemicals that will be the usual, I drove by, serious but "mild" reaction, or if there is something out there that I am even more allergic to and could kill both myself and my son if I loose control of the car. It all may sound dramatic, but my explanation is probably less dramatic than it really is. Really need to know if it was before or after, not just for church, but for every dang day of life, the question is imperative to my survival, but I can't get a straight answer, just a political one in which anyone's guess could be right. argh..praying for safety...

 

[razzelflabben]

Went down to 1/3 lung capacity in town, took nap and am just under 1/2 yeah....son won't be able to take the job because of hours, so the trip was for nothing really. Oh well, some good time with our son.

 

[razzelflabben]

Okay, update time. I was down for 5 days, my body trying to shut down on me that whole time. In fact, sleep asthma kicked in and at night I would crash so bad that I had to force myself to wake up just to focus enough to keep breathing. Today, 9 days later, I am still struggling with 1/2 lung capacity and lung spasms, and a few lingering other symptoms.

The whole story is very long, but to shorten it as best I can. I ended up sending an email to our pastor, explaining that love wasn't really love if you can't get a straight answer to a life or death matter. In that email, our pastor grasp what we were asking from him, and took care of the issue immediately. In fact, he didn't talk to the Ass. pastor at all, but confirmed with an eye witness as to when the parking lot was sprayed. Now, in each conversation we had with the associate pastor, not only did the story change, but he tried to blame something else, even though we know I am severely allergic to herbicides and pesticides...which is still a sore spot with me, given that 1. I know from experience it is bad enough to put me in the hospital just driving by someone using it and 2. that there was no indication that anything in the basement of the church could have caused the reaction I had, but that is another story.

So, the chemical was sprayed on Fri. and Sat. morning we had rain...that would have explained the initial reaction when I went into the building, but not the severe reaction and duration that was threatening my life. So to be above reproach and to figure out what happened, we had the trustees check into what chemicals were being used in the church, if none of them were a problem, then it had to be the spray, either was sprayed on Sat. or something else happened. But we had to know.

Then we get a phone call...the pastor was walking into the building and saw a weed, reached to pull it, and the associate told him not to because it had been sprayed. He thought he had cleaned off his hand, but apparently, when we shook hands, it got on my skin (never happened before because I won't get that close to it) which set off the reaction. Now, to clarify some things that would evidence this to be the culprit. Sat. evening went like this...

Usually my husband lets me off in the drive not the parking lot, but the door was still locked to I walked through part of the parking lot having a normal reaction to spray that was about a day or two old. Walked into the basement prepared for the mold issue we got in the recent floods, but breathed deeper and was excited about it being a good night for my breathing because it smelled "clean". Went to the restroom, was very careful not to use the soap (allergic to that too). Then went upstairs. Greeted our pastor (hand shake) and began a short conversation with him, within less than a minute (not sure how long, but can relate the conversation and it doesn't even take a minute) I became a "zombie" I was aware of what was going on, but couldn't process it or engage in it. Thought that was weird but dismissed it as preoccupied and went to sit down and wait for my husband. Sat away from people in case perfume was a problem (normal behavior). Things didn't get any better, but instead got worse. Before the first song was over, I told my husband something wasn't right, and that I was having lung spasms. Went home and crashed, not caring if I lived or died (refused ER, another long story)

Well, yesterday morning, both my husband and I were sure enough that we went to church together. During Sun. School, I went downstairs which is where the chemicals would have been used that could have been the problem. Even walked by the room most affected by the flooding...no problems, in fact, I gained a full second of lung function while in the basement and never lost any more lung function the entire time we were at church. That ruled out everything but skin contact.

Well to put a nail in the coffin so to speak, the morning after the incident, I put my hand up by my face, and smelled chemicals but assumed it was just because I could taste the chemicals, so had dismissed it, until we found out the rest of the story. confirmed with my mother that I would never have been close enough to the chemicals growing up to have any on my skin. In fact, everyone close to me is so hyper careful that I never am close enough for them to be on me. Even when they are around the stuff, they scrub before coming home and put their clothes in the wash so I am not close to even residue on their clothes.

So that is where things stand. The ass. still is trying to make excuses and blame something else. Everyone is doing what they can to prevent another incident for me and another person who isn't as bad as me but does have problems around it. I am still trying to recover, and am afraid there was some permanent damage, but otherwise, getting a bit stronger every day.

Just thought I should update you all...where I stand emotionally, I've learned a lot about why I am the way I am and why I feel the way I do. Bottom line, when the ass. turned it into a drama, I got angry, I HATE drama and don't like anything being about me, so that made me angry which turned into me assaulting myself, getting depressed, and wanting to die (not suicidal, just not happy that God gave us the involuntary need to keep breathing). It's part of the root to the air conditioner as well, but not the whole story of the air conditioner. So there we stand...about time for me to lay down and ease the spasms for a bit, soooooo tired of being in bed so much...!

 

[razzelflabben]

Saturday will be 4 weeks, I still have only about 1/2 lung capacity and I am still getting light headed when I am trying to get things done. argh...but here is the funny thing, in fact, my husband and I were just talking about it.

The trustee in our SS wants to put me in a bubble (joking with me) another trustee looks at me like I'm a leper. Our pastor will hug me but reluctantly and won't shake my hand out of fear. Another friend says she wants to wear gloves around me so as not to cause problems. I just want things to get back to normal! Honestly, how I see it, is that I live for Christ, that is, when He is done with me, I will go home. He didn't take me this time, we know what caused the reaction, so let it go. In fact, God already used the account to help a friend who wasn't grasping some of the truths of scripture she needs to find healing, and the account of my allergic reaction helped her make sense of it all. So God already used it, can't ask for anything more, and it totally makes it worth while that God is already pointing people to Him through it.

Now I'm not saying I would feel any differently if it was reversed, just saying I'm fine about what happened (well all but the lack of straight answer, that one is still on my nerve), God is using it, and so time to get back to normal...time to stop walking on egg shells, I'll be 53 soon and never had a reaction like this, I'm guessing I can avoid it for another 50 years and hopefully I don't live that long to start out with.

Just venting a bit, too much on my mind to work, too tired to work, too much and too important of work needing done to not...so I figured I'd vent a moment, sorry to anyone listening in...

 

[razzelflabben]

Just taking a moment to cry. A situation is happening at church, too long a story to go into it all, but the heart of my tears, is that I was reminded of an issue that happened in relation to our sons death and some very hurtful and evil things...which is how this thread started. We were being hurt in the middle of our grief and I needed a place to vent and figure out why, rather than spending all my time protecting the innocent people around here. On top of that, our sons birthday is coming up fast...the 23rd. missing him so much all I could do yesterday afternoon and evening was cry. I'm happy for him, know he is safe and loved, but dog gone it, I miss him more than words are capable of saying. And because we deal with it, few people get how much we miss him, how much we were part of each other...how lonely my days are without him, even though my days are full of people I would miss equally if they were gone.

 

[razzelflabben]

still struggling with the "revisited" memories. Tired of being hurt and no one seeming to care. In fact, have needed to talk about this, but no one wants to listen. The reason we know as much about the entire situation as we do is because we listen...and that listening gets us attacked because we know to much...so I get not wanting to listen, but listening is part of loving one another...and right now, I just want to know someone can open their ears long enough to hear...

I know, a lot of jumble that doesn't make sense. One of my pet peeves is people not listening to what I'm saying. I spend most of my life, keeping what I want to say hidden, so others can talk...when I need to talk, I need someone to listen and most often, no one is willing to, they are still to busy talking about themselves. Just really frustrated right now, need the visions and dreams to stop again, need someone to listen, need the work load to ease...so tired...

 

[razzelflabben]

starting to shut down and shut people out...not where I want to be right now...can't keep doing this...can't keep moving forward only to have someone try to pull us back into the pain...going to take a down in the dumps nap...so tired!

 

[razzelflabben]

Need to vent a moment...same old issue came up at church and on our anniversary to boot. End result, the meeting was emotional, we are in trouble again, and for saying that I disagreed with the conclusion some were making. Got called into an ambush meeting in which the Ass. pastor (who the whole ordeal is over) "asked" (angry accusing question) why we disagree with the conclusion (many people agree with us by the way) before we had a chance to answer, he stormed out of the room, slamming the door, leaving my husband and his two witnesses sitting there. Church was starting so the meeting was ended. To which I wrote the answer to the question and sent a copy to both witnesses, so that they knew why I disagreed with the conclusion and that even though (we) I disagree, we would continue to support the decision as we have done from the beginning.

So, now, the witnesses take the letter to the district executive and he wants another meeting. Sat. we get to go through this again.

Now the thing I need to vent about is this. We have suffered greatly at the hand of this man. Some of the things we have suffered, are slander, gossip, being told that we were being set up to take the fall. Accused of stirring up trouble and of trying to split the church. We have had our ministry attacked and our work undermined. We have had them poison very old and dear friends against us, had them convince our son that his brother was in hell because a cuss word slipped from his tongue the morning of his death. We have had countless people complain about something, usually his teaching, then retreat. Even had a church leader tell us that no one would confront them because they are afraid of his wife (huge gossip) We have counseled people spent endless hours trying to comfort people he or his wife hurt. We have been judged for being poor (by him and his family) etc. And our response every time, was that without witnesses we could not make a formal complaint as per I Timothy 5, so we held our tongue and told people they needed to follow scripture. Repeatedly we told the church they needed to see if he was qualified according to scripture or not. (my husband was on the ministerial commission through much of this time) This is the same guy that confessed to my husband about listening in on private conversations so that he knew who was saying what against him.

Okay, so the real problem I am having right now, is that I am having all these flashbacks of our sons death, my father trying to turn our kids against us (his wife "adores" our daughter and is all goo goo over her (our daughter is 16) and won't even speak to us) (of course the wife is so upset over getting what they wanted, that she left the church, so the current only contact she has with our daughter is facebook)....anyway, I want the flashbacks to be put back in their place, the meetings and non sense to stop, he isn't that important that it should take up so much time and energy, and just to get back to normal. God has worked miracles in our life so that we could worship without negativity against this family. (He is also the one who wouldn't tell us what he sprayed that caused me to have an allergic reaction that almost killed me, literally). And we are okay with all of it, but to constantly bring up all this mess to try to get us to say or do something that would put the blame on us, is just on my last nerve. On top of that, I get to hear all the slander they are spreading and sit here waiting for the next wave of attacks, while watching friends buy into the slander, cause "he's a nice guy".

I just want the flashbacks to stop, and we get to relive this all over again this Sat. who knows after that...so tired and frustrated...so tired of people trying to hurt us, just because they think they can get away with it. I mean, seriously, we have enough on this guy to take him down in a very ugly and "bloody" move, but we choose to follow God's word, His way, and for that we are attacked. The thing is, I don't really mind the attacks, wouldn't change a thing about how we conducted ourselves, but it's time for it to be over after 3 1/2 years of more of the same, it's time to move forward...if we haven't been worn down to the point of slipping up by now, not likely to happen in the next 4 1/2 months.

Okay, rant is over...

 

[razzelflabben]

meeting has been postponed for a third time, rumors still bold and nasty, feeling so alone (know we aren't) so tired of all this nonsense...time to try to work awhile, just want to go back to bed and hide. Talked the other night on the phone with someone who is being hurt by the same man and his wife and those that followed them, and the stupid thing, is they got what they wanted, but are so angry over it, that they not only left the church, but are doing more evil to try to hurt people. Oh, and he is still "doing his job" even though he isn't attending our church (comes in, makes an announcement "recruiting" then leaves, wife isn't coming at all)....they so need to just cut ties and move on, but we have to prove how "loving" we are by giving him another chance and protecting his family from loosing his job....argh