Advice needed I am confused

[God Can Work it Out]

Hello I need some help.

My wife and I are both Christians. We have been married for nearly 6 years now. The problems started before we were married. However it is maybe easier to explain from once we got married.

My wife is from the USA and we live in another continent. When we first got married we had lots of problems (or to be more truthful we have always had lots of problems). I used to run a business which was very stressful and she would complain a lot that I was always thinking about work. That was true and I recognise that I should have given here more time. However a lot of evenings we would try and go for a walk, watch something together and eat together.

When we first got married I would make sure we went back to the USA 3 times a year so she could see her family for about 10 days each trip. In the more recent years we have only gone back once a year because her family was supposed to be visiting so we delayed the trips and then they never came. Actually they have never come at all, despite them having money to spend thousands of dollars on different things.

With me not being from America we do not share the same sense of humour. My sense of humour has annoyed my wife so I try not to have a sense of humour around her but still try and be happy but not too happy as this annoys her too.

When we first got married we lived about an hour away from the business because my wife did not want to live too close to the business because this is close to my parents also and we needed space. I do agree with this BUT driving 2 hours a day for work did not help with having more time for my wife. The business was struggling and too stressful so my wife very kindly said she would take it over. So now it was too far to drive so we moved closer to the business and I got another job. The business declined quickly, went bankcrupt and my wife got a job. A year later my wife now wanted to move into the countryside so we moved again into a very nice house.

I am pleased the business closed and I am a lot more relaxed which I have been for over 2 years now and I have been out of it for about 3.5 years.

However through all of these changes my wife has been unhappy about something different. She did not like me putting lots of time into the business, now I don't. She did not like me talking about my little cute neice so much, now I barely mention her name. I recently had to get a replacement car (second hand), I took a lot of time looking into it and she did not like that and said if I had put as much time into researching her (hence this forum and the next paragraph).

When I was with her younger sister I was asking her if my wife was grumpy before I came on the scene and she said yes. So I said why was she grumpy, she said that she used to get annoyed by her whistling, and by her boyfriends (she had a LOT) - she did add that I made her the happiest. I then went on to ask my sister in law what made my wife happy and this was the saddest thing I have heard, the reply was "She had never figured it out". My sister inlaw did give some good advice that it is the little things you do. So since that day I have been trying hard with the little things.

I recognise that I have not been the best husband and I have made mistakes. If only a time machine existed However we can only change the future and not the past. So since December 2015 I have been trying to do lots of little things. Nothing massive but simple like buying the Notebook, leaving a couple of written notes, buying flowers, suggesting we go out for a meal, cooking supper, being extra loving, saying nice comments. Trying not to show that I am offended when these are rejected.

My wife was constantly complaining that I did not do these things, now she is complaining that I am trying to do these things and I am changing.

Wow this is getting long but maybe the more detail the better. It is worth adding that am willing to accept all the things I have done wrong, willing to apologise however it is always apparent that it is always my fault... which I am told.

I have now decided not to mention ANYTHING which is something she may have done wrong but to peacefully fix the problem and move on. Interestingly her brother in law told me that she did not take criticism very well at all. This I have noticed very truely. An example was on the business that she had wrongly calculated someone's salary or something, only by a few dollars or something. No big deal just fix the problem however she would not take it on board from the employee or even me.... eventually she saw the problem. Maybe this is the wrong decision to make but it is easier to watch and be silent than to give advice, argue, she do it her own way and then watch the problem. So it is quicker and easier to skip the advice, arguing and watch the same outcome anyway.

So now we move onto today. She woke up sad, again, she wanted a cuddle in bed which was amazing because she has rejected this many times. I mean a cuddle and no sex and she started to cry so we talked again and she is very hurt from the problems in our marriage previous. We tried to go to church today but after nearly getting there she started to cry and wanted to go home, so we went home. On the way home we talked more. She explained she did not like me and did not want flowers or to go out for a meal with someone she did not like. Yes very upsetting but I am getting used to it after 6 years of marriage.

One other thing worth mentioning is that she has mentioned that she had sex at 14.... don't know the detail. All I know is that one time I joked about rape and she said that was not nice as "I knew that had happened to her". So now I know that or I think I know that as understandingly she does not want to talk about it. So we don't.

There was a possibility of me working from home one day, which happened to be a day when she was not working from home. Now I am in trouble as it is my fault that I get to work from home when she is not there. So thought I better get to the office, as it turned out I needed to be in the office anyway. So yesterday I was able to work from home and I suggested we go out for Lunch

I want to have a happy blessed relationship, I am really trying to make it work, I have dropped my sense of humour around her (90%), I am very careful of what I talk about with her, I am now trying to constantly make things better.... I pray about the situation.

I NEED IDEAS. I NEED IDEAS

If you have ever seen the movie Fire Proof then that was 40 days, I am on day 109, not giving up maybe day 140 will work.

Please I need your help and ideas. Just be honest I am willing to have a beating just want to have a happy wife.

 

[snoochface]

In all of that detail, the basic problems were summed up by you. 1) She's always been an unhappy person, and is still an unhappy person. 2) She doesn't really like you.

Everything else you said falls into one of those two categories. Her insecurity, inability to admit she is wrong, inability to be pleased comes from unhappiness. Her dislike of your sense of humor, your efforts to change for her, your attempts to be closer to her come from her ambivalence about you.

Do you have the ability to get into some good couple's counseling with her? And if she refuses to go, are you willing to go by yourself? This isn't something you can fix with ideas from us about what more you can do to twist yourself into a knot trying to please her. This requires some pretty deep introspection into the heart of the problems in your marriage, and if she won't participate in that, you should go alone to get the insight you need that you aren't the cause of her unhappiness, which started long before you came into her life.

 

[God Can Work it Out]

In all of that detail, the basic problems were summed up by you. 1) She's always been an unhappy person, and is still an unhappy person. 2) She doesn't really like you.

Everything else you said falls into one of those two categories. Her insecurity, inability to admit she is wrong, inability to be pleased comes from unhappiness. Her dislike of your sense of humor, your efforts to change for her, your attempts to be closer to her come from her ambivalence about you.

Do you have the ability to get into some good couple's counseling with her? And if she refuses to go, are you willing to go by yourself? This isn't something you can fix with ideas from us about what more you can do to twist yourself into a knot trying to please her. This requires some pretty deep introspection into the heart of the problems in your marriage, and if she won't participate in that, you should go alone to get the insight you need that you aren't the cause of her unhappiness, which started long before you came into her life.

That is some good ideas etc. Some detail I missed out is that she suggested about her going to counselling. I am happy to go myself but I am not sure if it would be good for me to be there.... hold that thought.

Later today I went to see her in bed as she was resting because of a headache, so I got into my side of the bed and she wanted to cuddle so of course I did. She started to talk about counselling and I explained that I used to teach people how to coach (like business coaching but same skills can be used for a lot of things), so she said why don't I coach her... I explained it maybe hard and not a good idea, but she insisted so here we went, I was asking about her unhappiness, asking what other times she was unhappy, her answer was one time when we first got married and she thought I did not love her and two other occasions with ex boyfriends, also when her uncle died.... I then asked what about other times. She wanted it clarifying when so I said from the moment you were conceived... she then paused and said she did not want to go down there, I asked why not she said I knew why not. I said I don't really know but then she clammed up and said maybe it is best that someone counsells her who does not know her. What we were refering to is the time when she was raped, or at least that is what I think.

Hence the question of should I even go to this counselling.....

 

[ValleyGal]

You are not responsible for making your wife happy. In fact, circumstances only account for 10% of our happiness level, and even if you could influence that to the full 10%, she would still be unhappy. We all have a genetic baseline for happiness, which accounts for about 50% of our happiness. Since 10% is circumstantial, SHE needs to be responsible for the other 40%. If she is willing to put in the work, the ways to increase that 40% include optimism, savoring life, gratitude, spirituality, having goals and working towards them, being helpful and having good social support. Much of this has to do with her own attitudes and ways of thinking, and you are not responsible for that.

You have done a lot to try to change for her sake. Here's a thought: Just be you. If she is unhappy with the real you (and not the one who is going out of the way to try to make her happy), then maybe she will start liking you again. And if she doesn't, then she needs to figure out what to do about it. You could work on that together if you like. If she wants you to coach her, then go ahead and coach her, but do it in the context of your relationship rather than what is making her unhappy. Counselling is about visiting the past and healing those wounds, and you are not her counsellor. Coaching takes place on a current platform: how you got here is almost irrelevant, this is where you are right now, where do you want to be, and how are you going to get there.

Hopefully you can work together on detailing your current situation and where you (both) want to be instead. Then as you are working on how to get from here to there, addressing her unhappiness will be on that list of objectives. If she can start to understand how pervasive the effects of rape are, and how deeply her issues are affecting you as a loving husband, maybe she will seek rape and-or trauma counselling. There are a few very new and interesting techniques for addressing trauma. One of these is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization). There is another new one I learned about briefly at work the other day, but I forgot what it's called. Maybe I can remember to bring information back on Monday. Anyway, if she is open to coaching, that is a good start, and as you two are talking about the steps needed to reach the goal, maybe it will become clear to her that she needs to address her past wounds and seek counselling for herself. If not, work on other stuff and maybe it will eventually become clear.

Don't give up on her. Married women still want to be pursued by their husbands. But don't follow some 40-day formula to do it. Instead, be yourself and pursue her in ways that are genuine to who you are.

 

[God Can Work it Out]

You are not responsible for making your wife happy. In fact, circumstances only account for 10% of our happiness level, and even if you could influence that to the full 10%, she would still be unhappy. We all have a genetic baseline for happiness, which accounts for about 50% of our happiness. Since 10% is circumstantial, SHE needs to be responsible for the other 40%. If she is willing to put in the work, the ways to increase that 40% include optimism, savoring life, gratitude, spirituality, having goals and working towards them, being helpful and having good social support. Much of this has to do with her own attitudes and ways of thinking, and you are not responsible for that.

You have done a lot to try to change for her sake. Here's a thought: Just be you. If she is unhappy with the real you (and not the one who is going out of the way to try to make her happy), then maybe she will start liking you again. And if she doesn't, then she needs to figure out what to do about it. You could work on that together if you like. If she wants you to coach her, then go ahead and coach her, but do it in the context of your relationship rather than what is making her unhappy. Counselling is about visiting the past and healing those wounds, and you are not her counsellor. Coaching takes place on a current platform: how you got here is almost irrelevant, this is where you are right now, where do you want to be, and how are you going to get there.

Hopefully you can work together on detailing your current situation and where you (both) want to be instead. Then as you are working on how to get from here to there, addressing her unhappiness will be on that list of objectives. If she can start to understand how pervasive the effects of rape are, and how deeply her issues are affecting you as a loving husband, maybe she will seek rape and-or trauma counselling. There are a few very new and interesting techniques for addressing trauma. One of these is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization). There is another new one I learned about briefly at work the other day, but I forgot what it's called. Maybe I can remember to bring information back on Monday. Anyway, if she is open to coaching, that is a good start, and as you two are talking about the steps needed to reach the goal, maybe it will become clear to her that she needs to address her past wounds and seek counselling for herself. If not, work on other stuff and maybe it will eventually become clear.

Don't give up on her. Married women still want to be pursued by their husbands. But don't follow some 40-day formula to do it. Instead, be yourself and pursue her in ways that are genuine to who you are.

That is a very helpful post thank you very much. Just to clarify I am not doing any 40 day Formula just doing my best for as long as it takes.

 

[ParentofChildren]

Hello I need some help.

My wife and I are both Christians. We have been married for nearly 6 years now. The problems started before we were married. However it is maybe easier to explain from once we got married.

My wife is from the USA and we live in another continent. When we first got married we had lots of problems (or to be more truthful we have always had lots of problems). I used to run a business which was very stressful and she would complain a lot that I was always thinking about work. That was true and I recognise that I should have given here more time. However a lot of evenings we would try and go for a walk, watch something together and eat together.

When we first got married I would make sure we went back to the USA 3 times a year so she could see her family for about 10 days each trip. In the more recent years we have only gone back once a year because her family was supposed to be visiting so we delayed the trips and then they never came. Actually they have never come at all, despite them having money to spend thousands of dollars on different things.

With me not being from America we do not share the same sense of humour. My sense of humour has annoyed my wife so I try not to have a sense of humour around her but still try and be happy but not too happy as this annoys her too.

When we first got married we lived about an hour away from the business because my wife did not want to live too close to the business because this is close to my parents also and we needed space. I do agree with this BUT driving 2 hours a day for work did not help with having more time for my wife. The business was struggling and too stressful so my wife very kindly said she would take it over. So now it was too far to drive so we moved closer to the business and I got another job. The business declined quickly, went bankcrupt and my wife got a job. A year later my wife now wanted to move into the countryside so we moved again into a very nice house.

I am pleased the business closed and I am a lot more relaxed which I have been for over 2 years now and I have been out of it for about 3.5 years.

However through all of these changes my wife has been unhappy about something different. She did not like me putting lots of time into the business, now I don't. She did not like me talking about my little cute neice so much, now I barely mention her name. I recently had to get a replacement car (second hand), I took a lot of time looking into it and she did not like that and said if I had put as much time into researching her (hence this forum and the next paragraph).

When I was with her younger sister I was asking her if my wife was grumpy before I came on the scene and she said yes. So I said why was she grumpy, she said that she used to get annoyed by her whistling, and by her boyfriends (she had a LOT) - she did add that I made her the happiest. I then went on to ask my sister in law what made my wife happy and this was the saddest thing I have heard, the reply was "She had never figured it out". My sister inlaw did give some good advice that it is the little things you do. So since that day I have been trying hard with the little things.

I recognise that I have not been the best husband and I have made mistakes. If only a time machine existed However we can only change the future and not the past. So since December 2015 I have been trying to do lots of little things. Nothing massive but simple like buying the Notebook, leaving a couple of written notes, buying flowers, suggesting we go out for a meal, cooking supper, being extra loving, saying nice comments. Trying not to show that I am offended when these are rejected.

My wife was constantly complaining that I did not do these things, now she is complaining that I am trying to do these things and I am changing.

Wow this is getting long but maybe the more detail the better. It is worth adding that am willing to accept all the things I have done wrong, willing to apologise however it is always apparent that it is always my fault... which I am told.

I have now decided not to mention ANYTHING which is something she may have done wrong but to peacefully fix the problem and move on. Interestingly her brother in law told me that she did not take criticism very well at all. This I have noticed very truely. An example was on the business that she had wrongly calculated someone's salary or something, only by a few dollars or something. No big deal just fix the problem however she would not take it on board from the employee or even me.... eventually she saw the problem. Maybe this is the wrong decision to make but it is easier to watch and be silent than to give advice, argue, she do it her own way and then watch the problem. So it is quicker and easier to skip the advice, arguing and watch the same outcome anyway.

So now we move onto today. She woke up sad, again, she wanted a cuddle in bed which was amazing because she has rejected this many times. I mean a cuddle and no sex and she started to cry so we talked again and she is very hurt from the problems in our marriage previous. We tried to go to church today but after nearly getting there she started to cry and wanted to go home, so we went home. On the way home we talked more. She explained she did not like me and did not want flowers or to go out for a meal with someone she did not like. Yes very upsetting but I am getting used to it after 6 years of marriage.

One other thing worth mentioning is that she has mentioned that she had sex at 14.... don't know the detail. All I know is that one time I joked about rape and she said that was not nice as "I knew that had happened to her". So now I know that or I think I know that as understandingly she does not want to talk about it. So we don't.

There was a possibility of me working from home one day, which happened to be a day when she was not working from home. Now I am in trouble as it is my fault that I get to work from home when she is not there. So thought I better get to the office, as it turned out I needed to be in the office anyway. So yesterday I was able to work from home and I suggested we go out for Lunch

I want to have a happy blessed relationship, I am really trying to make it work, I have dropped my sense of humour around her (90%), I am very careful of what I talk about with her, I am now trying to constantly make things better.... I pray about the situation.

I NEED IDEAS. I NEED IDEAS

If you have ever seen the movie Fire Proof then that was 40 days, I am on day 109, not giving up maybe day 140 will work.

Please I need your help and ideas. Just be honest I am willing to have a beating just want to have a happy wife.

You are very thoughtful and literate. This may be one of the most thoughtful & balanced inquiries I have ever read.

NO ONE IS BORN TO BE MARRIED world lie #1
YOU DO NOT COMPLETE HER, NORE SHE YOU Jerry McGuire lie

I suggest you ask a friend for a book on marriage, ask your wife to attend a marriage conference with you, and possibly see a counselor. Marriage is 100%/100% It is the hardest but most rewarding of bonds a man and woman can share.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

You got lots of good advice so far but I wanted to say two things. One, what country are you from that you say she doesn't like your sense of humor where you "come from"? And second....

One other thing worth mentioning is that she has mentioned that she had sex at 14.... don't know the detail. All I know is that one time I joked about rape and she said that was not nice as "I knew that had happened to her". So now I know that or I think I know that as understandingly she does not want to talk about it. So we don't.

First she should talk about it if she can because its important to know what she went though. And it may help. For example I read of a woman who was raped, but never told her husband. And on their honeymoon while she was asleep he tried to put his hand somewhere (you get the idea) and she woke up screaming and punched him in the face. She told him later her father while she was sleeping would do the same thing before raping her. So like I said maybe she has triggers that make her relive what happened. Which is important to know.

All that aside, mind you I don't know you, I'd NEVER ever make a rape joke. I can be sarcastic and in my past when I was rebelling against God I did some dark humor some sometimes. But rape is never funny. I'd have to question what kind of humor you have or what maybe goes through your mind. No christian is perfect, but I've never really heard a christian joke about such a horrible topic.

 

[akmom]

I know people who have gotten into a rut like that, where they are so used to everyone bending over backwards for them that they expect it, they allow themselves to be bothered by everything, and they don't hold themselves accountable for anything. You can't get her past that by walking on eggshells. Just tell it like it is. If you go out of your way to show her you love her and she doesn't appreciate it, just say so: "I was just trying to cheer you up." You don't have to grovel. You tried, she didn't, that's that, the end. If she wants something, she should ask for it specifically. It is not your job to mind-read. That was the first thing we learned in premarital counseling! Being able to read someone's mind is NOT a sign of love. It's just nonsense. Sure, you will get an idea of what your spouse likes or doesn't like over time, if they are consistent, but no one should EVER expect the other person to read their minds.

It sounds a lot like she needs constant attention and people fussing over her. She needs to learn to make herself happy, because that neediness will never be fulfilled. Perhaps counseling will help. Perhaps not. I think just being direct with her and not allowing yourself to be swayed by her unpredictable whims will eventually put a stop to them. She doesn't know what she wants. So you NEVER will, until she figures it out.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

There were two things I was told when my husband and I were having problems (basically the first 16 years of our marriage)...first is "happiness is an inside job". Second is "hurt people hurt people".

You can't MAKE her happy...she has to find that within herself. She is hurting and as a result will hurt others until she manages to deal with HER hurts.

I advise serious counseling for her, preferably with someone who knows about post-rape counseling. Christian or not, doesn't matter, just someone with the right credentials.

 

[The Unhappy Wife]

First of all I would like to say that there are always 3 sides to every story- His side, Her Side, and the truth. I am not at all surprised to read this post from my husband and it most accurately depicts how he has viewed our marriage since the start! That being said I do feel the need to add a few points here as it seems that he has left out some very important bits ;-)


I do find it interesting that my husband has made me out to be a very unhappy unstable person when things only openly started to fall apart within the last few months. Lets say the straw that broke the camels back was when I had a hug from a friend- it seems simple enough as it is just a hug but it has opened up a whole lot of emotions and resentments that I had unknowingly been ignoring. At that moment I realized that I have never really had that kind of hug from my husband. Yes we would hug- probably at least once a day- but I cannot remember him hugging me like the hug that I got from the friend. There was nothing sexual about the hug- it was just a hug from a friend who genuinely cared. My husband has always been aware of this fact but from a very young age hugging has always been an important part of my life- my husband however is a very busy business man so he has never seemed particularly interested in spending the time hugging me in this way. Our hugs have normally been very short and a lot of times he was looking at his phone behind my back while hugging me. At any rate the bottom line is that I have always felt that the caring side of his hug was always missing.


Fireproof and the 40 day challenge- I practically forced my husband to watch this movie as it is not the kind of movie he would normally watch. I found his comment about doing this challenge for 109 days to be very interesting because he very honestly didn’t know what the challenge actually was until I showed it to him just last night! I will admit that over the past few months he has been trying a bit more than he had been trying previously but it doesn’t at all resemble the 40 challenge- basically has said that he will take me out to dinner on the weekends, a total of 2 notes, and he gave me some flowers 1 time.


Now to clarify some points:

My husband decided to focus on the time that we have been married. I will start the day before that as that is when it really started! As I mentioned before- my husband is a very busy business man and in addition to this he runs a very busy ministry and is probably considered an evangelist in our church. This being said I had some concerns before we were married and voiced these concerns to him saying that if he wasn’t able to devote some time to our relationship I would not be happy. It was a huge sacrifice leaving my home, family and friends but I willing did that for him as marriage and family has always been the most important thing to me outside of my relationship with God. At that point my husband assured me that the only reason he worked so much was because he didn’t have anyone to do things with and that obviously with us being together we would be doing things together. I soon found out that this was not the case at all and that my worst fear was about to come a reality!


Believe it or not I am not an unhappy person and I am also not the kind of person who likes to play games. I was very honest with my husband and told him exactly what to do to make me happy. I told him that I wanted a very normal life- I didn’t need fancy gifts but only wanted a small amount of his time. I told him that I wanted to share my life with someone which meant to do normal day to day things together. Main things I asked for- I wanted to shop together, cook together, go for walks together, and I asked that we spend a small amount of time every day without the distraction of electronic devices.


Problems I soon encountered:


Shopping- my husband is not a patient man and shopping became a very stressful situation for me. Coming from a different country I was not used to the stores and products here so I would take more time in trying to find products etc. Being the fact that he had been living with his parents before we got married not only was he not patient enough to allow me to figure things out but he also wasn’t able to help me!


Cooking- Again the patience problem comes in here. If my husband doesn’t want to do something I soon found that getting him to do something is next to impossible and if I was in fact able to get him to do something the experience would get rather unpleasant! When we cooked together he would want me to give him jobs- he would rush through the jobs and quickly ask for more jobs secretly wanting this whole project to be over so he could go off to spending time on his laptop and phone.


Walking- My husband made it very clear from the start that he likes to pack as much into every moment as possible. He expressed that he felt that simply walking was a waste of time so early on in our marriage he decided that he would use my request and kill two birds with 1 stone. As he mentioned- he was running a business and ministry so he decided that since I wanted to walk we would give out leaflets at the same time. Not exactly a conducive environment for having meaningful conversations.


Time without Electronics- this is something I have asked for so much but never actually received. My husband isn’t able to let this one go at all and has not budged a bit. I will admit that he did attempt this maybe once or twice but it was always shorted lived and never lasted long.


I am not posting these things to try and prove anything or to hurt my husband. He knows that these are the things I have been asking for and he knows that he has not really done any of them. I will admit that he has done things- the things that he has done are the things that he has decided should make me happy! Anything outside of what he thinks I should want and need aren’t possible for him and aren’t even considered.


It seems like we start to have problems around Christmas as that is when I am normally back home so get to see the things in my life that I gave up to be with him. Christmas 2014 I told him that we really don’t do much together- he said that he had been thinking and planning to take me to some restaurant that he had heard was really good and that we should go there soon after we got back home. Just last Christmas 2015 he still had not taken me or even asked me to go to this restaurant…


His sense of humour:


I enjoy a good laugh and I am actually a very happy person believe it or not. The only thing that I every asked my husband is that he not joke at my expense as it hurts me. Some jokes that I didn’t like include him telling other friends who were planning to get married- The best thing to do is start things out really bad so that the wife will appreciate things when they get better. Or if you don’t want to do something do a really bad job at it and you won’t be asked to do it again!


I have done 95% of the household duties- I do all of his laundry, cleaning, cooking, dishes! The household chores have never been split even though I work a very demanding full time job. I have also always made sure that he has a packed lunch to take with him to work!


Where I am now:


I will not lie- I was devastated once I realised the situation and how things were turning out. I gave up everything for him and was on a daily basis committing 100% to being a good wife to him. Every night I would pray that God would give me the strength to get through another day and to take the sad feelings away. I did get over it and somehow learned to cope- filling my life with other things and if you ask my friends and colleagues they will say that I am a very stable happy person. My husband is trying more now than he had been and this has caused me to question his intentions and brought up a lot of emotions that I don’t know how to deal with or trust. I have asked him to go back to his normal self as I was coping better with that and I didn’t have this deep pain that I am feeling now.


So that is a small version of my side- please feel free to be sceptical as it is my side of the story and I obviously want things to be better. I would like nothing more than for it to all be my fault as then I could fix it- happy to go to counselling. The feelings of wanting to spend time with him simply aren’t there anymore and can honestly say that I don’t think he knows me at all…

 

[mkgal1]

It's helpful you posted UHWife.

I can certainly understand your issue with his "humor" (that one definitely seemed to be lacking an explanation in his post). What you described-- I think-- *is* offensive. He's describing game playing (and basically "pulling one over" on another person---tricking them) and that's not my idea of "funny" either.

From what I can tell by your post----a lot of what you're needing is just confirmation that your husband can sort of be "in the moment" with you....enjoying your company and getting to know you and your thoughts/ideas more---instead of looking for "the next thing to do". Am I right?

Reading his post---he seems to be trying to "fix it" by doing things....as in another list (but that's still not being "in the moment" with you----do I have that correct?).

A lot of this may be individual styles and personalities.....but there are also things that need to change so you can feel loved and valued.

I can also understand your feeling of being sort of "off-balance" by his recent changes----especially if they've occurred with little communication or expression of remorse for the past (or even an understanding of what you've been hurt by). Following a to do list doesn't take the place of communication.

I'm hoping that this is a place where you can vent---and maybe others can help your husband to understand your side of things (and how to resolve things).

 

[God Can Work it Out]

Thank you for your post, this is greatly appreciated. I was wondering how do you show:

A. Appreciation (This is something I say all the time)?
B. How do you value someone?
C. How do you show you love them?

I would think, I know the answers but I am trying to learn Venusian? You see I can say I know these things from the Marsian language and as this is what I speak it is hard to understand from the other perspective.

Any help would be good.

Thank you so much.

 

[mkgal1]

I don't believe in the whole Venus and Mars stuff.....and I believe it's more about attitude rather than what one actually *does* --honoring and valuing another person to where they "feel" it (it's also difficult, I think, to articulate).

Your wife has expressed (very well.....I thought) what kinds of things would allow her to feel valued and appreciated (things like going on a walk and paying attention to her and not the phone)......cooking together.....shopping together (with patience and a sense of connectedness).

There's a new buzzword these days: mindfulness. It's probably something a lot of us struggle with. It has a lot to do with being in the moment rather than planning ahead to the next few moments. I think it's something that needs repeated practice--not something that comes naturally.

 

[mkgal1]

Something to ponder:

But beyond the buzz, what does it really mean to be a mindful person — and what do they do differently every day to live more mindfully? Mindfulness, the practice of cultivating a focused awareness on the present moment, is both a daily habit and a lifelong process. It’s most commonly practiced and cultivated through meditation, although being mindful does not necessarily require a meditation practice.

“It’s the awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally" explained Jon Kabat-Zinn.“That sounds pretty simple... but actually when we start paying attention to how much we pay attention, half of the time our minds are all over the place and we have a very hard time sustaining attention.”~http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/30/habits-mindful-people_n_5186510.html

 

[mkgal1]

Another thing: I think a little bit of understanding about how your wife is learning to navigate a new country would go a long way.

 

[God Can Work it Out]

Another thing: I think a little bit of understanding about how your wife is learning to navigate a new country would go a long way.

I agree with this although I think she has that worked out after 6 years.

However the answer you gave above is not clear. If I do those things then it is said I am doing a tick box exercise. For example nearly every evening I suggest we go for a walk or sit in the hot tub. So further thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[The Unhappy Wife]

MKGAL1- Thank you very much for your post! I do have to say that you were able to sum things up pretty well from both my husband post as well as my own! I have tried so hard to get him to see some of these things but I don't think he fully understands. I have not only commented on the time he spends with me but the time he spends with other people as well- even his own parents. It isn't so much the amount of time that you spend with someone but the quality of that time spent- quality of quantity. People have commented to me that he always seems to be distracted- and that is very much the case most of the time!

He is correct when he says that he is saying thank-you a lot recently. The thing with my husband is that he has always been good at saying the "Right Things" but never been particularly good with following those things up with actions. Another one of the jokes that he used to frequently say to people is to be a good husband you should quickly learn to say- "I am sorry, you are right, I love you" .... He also has a strong talent of diverting direct questions to other thoughts- never actually answering the direct questions. There have been times when I have needed to go back to the original question 5-6 times before he will actually give a sensible answer.

I think a big problem that he has with me revolves around money- a friend of his recently asked me why it seems that he is always so fixated on money! Him and I are very different on this subject and have followed his decision to keep our finances separate from the very beginning. While I will admit that I did feel uncomfortable with the idea of sharing bank accounts I was willing to compromise and try to work together- I felt that it was the right thing to do and was essential in us truly becoming "One" in the Christian sense. An example of the two possible extremes- Last year was our 5 year anniversary. He has always been in charge of planning something to do on the weekend around this day because he is not willing to take a day off work to celebrate it on the day. He determined the location of this "Night Away" based on the hotel that costed the least amount of points (He collects points on one of his cards and unpopular locations will often come up costing very few points) Once we were there he had a look around to see what was there that might be ok to do and found some kind of nature reserve that was 50 miles away- long story short- we drove around for a good few hours and never actually found it... This is just one of many other situations similar and demonstrates his mentality when it comes to our relationship- please will someone explain to my husband how much value and love this situation communicates to me?

Every year for his birthday I plan a trip as well- for this I have asked that he take a few days off and will admit that he has done this. For the last two years I have booked a week long cottage in various sea side villages- in a location that he has fond childhood memories of. I also try to include his parents in part of these trips as family is always very important to me- his included. The year before this I booked a long weekend in a place where he could go jet skiing as I remembered that he once said that doing this was one of the top 10 things he has always wanted to try!

I know that it is a bit random but in the 6 years I have been here with him I have never had a birthday cake! I have never liked a lot of fuss when it comes to people doing things for me and honestly don't like a lot of attention but how hard is a birthday cake? My family didn't have much growing up but occasions never passed without some show of care and love. Now that I am here I have adapted to his way of things and those kinds of occasions don't matter so much anymore!

As far as adapting to this country- I think I have done pretty well at this and my life has changed a lot since being here. I came from a very rural part of the USA and now travel between some of the largest cities in the world. I feel like I have accomplished a lot professionally and am highly respected in my company- I am even contacted on a weekly basis by headhunters for other great opportunities. I think that this makes my husband happy as this is what he wanted. The problem with this is that I don't feel this is true value and to be perfectly honest I feel that I am a complete failure- no matter how hard I have tried to make him number one in my life I have never achieved a significant place on his list of priorities.

This weekend is Easter- He will be away doing ministry work so I thought I would invite his family over for a meal on Sunday. They weren't at all interested as I think they know that something is up with us. This makes me so angry as I have done so much for them as well! If it was left to him we would have never seen them- I organised and cooked meals for them, celebrations- the list goes on and on but when it comes right down to it they really don't value me either!

In my mind I keep going back to the same thing- I have given up everything for him but haven't had much of anything back from him. I am a born and raised Christian and that is what Christ did for us so I should carry on right? Every day that goes by this keeps getting harder- I pray for strength and that God will make me strong but I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle.

 

[mkgal1]

However the answer you gave above is not clear. If I do those things then it is said I am doing a tick box exercise. For example nearly every evening I suggest we go for a walk or sit in the hot tub. So further thoughts would be appreciated.

Well.....it is going to take far more than just "doing things"---it's going to take your whole motivation as to WHY you are doing those things. IOW.....your heart has to be in it. Your goal (IMO.....your wife can elaborate better) is to get to know your wife intimately (like she'd remarked when you were researching the car you were buying). She's paid close attention to what's important to you---and things you'd like to do......I believe she'd like the same from you. That information shouldn't be obtained from a 3-page questionnaire.....but to spend time with her (and pay close attention to what she reveals).

Another thing: You need to stop involving family members in your marriage. Stop "asking" her family about what she was like (from their perspective).....all that does is create division in her family. I think what you were really trying to do (whether you realize it or not) was to gain their allegiance. That's a wrong thing to do. Get to know your wife on your own----not based on other people and their perspectives. If you're "sharing" with your parents.....don't do that either. If you feel the need to get perspective---I think this is a good place (especially since your wife can also share on equal footing). Sharing with family members can damage relationships and turn people against each other---that's not helpful (especially when your wife values family bonds so much). That's a betrayal of her efforts.

 

[mkgal1]

You're welcome UHWife. I'm glad that you feel that I understood you---it's probably because I can relate a lot to you.

One thing I do notice (and recognize from my self) is that you seem to have "people pleaser" tendencies. It's necessary to a point (we are to be loving, after all)....but the one thing I've had to realize is that some people---no matter how much we bend over backwards for them---aren't going to be that appreciative of our efforts. That's not that YOU failed or came up short---that has to do with them.

My impression from what you and your husband have posted is that he (your husband) has probably shared things with his parents about you (like he wrote about "asking" your sister questions about you). If so......it's completely wrong (but, I guess, pretty common) for them to automatically sympathize with him. They should base their feelings about you on how you have treated them (not hearsay).

Do you know who Lysa Terkeurst is? She said (in a video I watched) that we can't "manage the perceptions of others"---although we try (I'm guilty of that...for sure).

He is correct when he says that he is saying thank-you a lot recently. The thing with my husband is that he has always been good at saying the "Right Things" but never been particularly good with following those things up with actions. Another one of the jokes that he used to frequently say to people is to be a good husband you should quickly learn to say- "I am sorry, you are right, I love you" .... He also has a strong talent of diverting direct questions to other thoughts- never actually answering the direct questions. There have been times when I have needed to go back to the original question 5-6 times before he will actually give a sensible answer

That "joke" that you brought up? That's a huge pet peeve of mine. That's along the same lines as the other "jokes" you've mentioned----they're all (IMO) dismissive of people's real feelings. It's suggesting that a hurt is easily soothed by a simple phrase. That's not about genuine connection......it's game-playing (and suggesting women are shallow as well).

Do you see, GCWIO, why your new efforts may cause some suspicion (instead of your wife being thankful)? With the things you've posted........and without there seeming to be a "heart connection" (and I know that's a vague term)......it can seem like it's just maneuvering. Does that make sense? Almost like a ploy. It can raise a person's flags.....almost like, "what are you up to? This isn't like you".

 

[mkgal1]

I would think, I know the answers but I am trying to learn Venusian? You see I can say I know these things from the Marsian language and as this is what I speak it is hard to understand from the other perspective.

I don't think it's a matter of Mars vs Venus. It does seem to be a different value system, though. When you were growing up, GCWIO.....did your parents emphasize your accomplishments.....achievements....what you did? Because that seems to be how you view things.