Advice needed I am confused

[akmom]

I must say, it is so neat when couples come on here together. I love it. Such a great perspective.

This couple in particular reminds me of my own parents when they were young. My dad was always busy busy, and had so many hobbies, and by the time smartphones came into play, he was ALWAYS on his. He liked getting things done. In fact, my mom said the only time in their lives that he ever stopped was when they vacationed on a remote beach in Hawaii and there was literally nothing else for him to do. Funny thing... she described it as the only time he was truly happy. She could tell, she said! He describes it as boring. She refuses to believe that he was. Because she LIKED just relaxing, so when she saw him do it, she interpreted it as him being happy. She never understood why he didn't just stop everything and relax more.

Well... because he WASN'T happy! He and she were just fundamentally different. To this day, I don't know why they married. They never had anything in common. She was always waiting for him, and he was never finished working because he derived great joy from accomplishment. I guess she wanted a hard-working man, because who doesn't? She certainly liked the income he provided as a direct result of being a hard-working man. But I think she wanted him to be hard-working for different reasons than he was. It never occurred to her that hard-working people might be that way because they like it and therefore won't ever stop.

As for my dad, he could be pretty clueless about her too. He didn't "get" her. So he did his best as a husband by checking things of a list. He'd buy her things, go places with her, basically do whatever he felt nagged to do. But he wasn't "in the moment" either because that wasn't his thing! He would always be bored by shopping, and no matter how much he tried to pretend, you can only feign interest for so long. But he tried. It made her mad, because like the couple in this post, he didn't have his heart in it.

I feel like you can't ask a person to be passionate about something if they're not. A lot of these examples are pretty classic examples of men and women differing. Women like shopping, men don't. Women require more communication, men like getting things accomplished. Maybe the shopper should just enjoy shopping and not recruit the spouse, for example. My mom was a lot happier when she just pursued her own interests, and stopped trying to get my dad to be this or that. She got a job after we kids were grown, and became less needy. I noticed they'd sit together in the evenings and talk about their day, and suddenly they could relate to each other. Because they were each pursuing their own lives, and only supporting each other in that, instead of trying to recruit each other. Honestly I think that's the only way to reconcile different personalities.

 

[Saint P]

I am happy to read and see both of you guys willing to make things work. This I believe is the most important sign of a beautiful future if you agree prayerfully. A three fold cord (with God) cannot be easily broken.

I have been married for about 7 years myself and do have a certain degree of understanding of both parties. Cultural differences, tight schedules and also have been into counselling marriages for a period of time. Most marriages suffer due to the lack of foundational biblical teaching about marriage. They focus on how to make marriage work rather than understanding - "Why Marry". Marriage is not meant for everyone OR another way to put this is sometimes marriage doesn't give what its not meant to give. Marriage is God-ordained and his knowledge on marriage is key.

I have a blog I have written on some marriage topics and I believe may help. It is based on the scriptures. If you have time have a read to understand and prayerfully reflect on them. Freedom comes through knowledge. I joined this forum to learn and to be of help through the things that God has helped me and empowered me to help others. God Bless You

For the Husband
http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/16/husbands-love-like-christ/

http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/16/dont-ignore-your-spouse/

http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/16/love-your-wife-in-submission-to-christ/

http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/15/be-a-leader-brother-in-marriage/


For the Wife
http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/16/you-were-made-for-him/

http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/15/on-the-issue-of-submission-in-marriage/



For both couple
http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/15/be-open-to-yourselves-in-marriage/

http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/15/the-right-counsel-for-marriage/

http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/15/marriage-a-divine-union/

http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/15/a-kiss-on-the-lips/

http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/15/building-marriage/

 

[RedPonyDriver]

@Saint P I just read some of your writings and I'm a little concerned with one blog http://peterodon.com/index.php/2016/03/15/on-the-issue-of-submission-in-marriage/

That "winning without a word" keeps women in abusive marriages...they think they can pray and be more obedient and eventually he'll stop beating her and the kids...right up until he goes too far. I have seen this literally thousands of times from working with DV survivors. That's some dangerous mess you got going on there. I hope nobody takes it seriously.

 

[Saint P]

Hi RedPonyDriver
I think perspective and application is everything. I believe every single thing the word of God says in scripture and I believe one cannot be fully be obedient to the word of God except by the Holy Spirit. So if you are a believer, then you must believe it above a perceived reality. This is why it is called faith ... responding to the word irrespective of a perceived reality.

My parents are true testimony of the scripture above. My dad was a drunk for so many years always coming home drunk, wasted and vomitting all over the place. My mum on the other hand was constantly praying for the whole family. The long story and my dad always says this - My mum changed him through her actions and finally drew him to God. He is a changed man now. Remember the story of Abigail and Nabal ? When we fully trust God, he will lead our path. Alot of marriages break up because we think we can handle things our way and respond based on just how we feel.

I do not support any form of abuse because no one is a second class creation of God. Read through the entire blog and you will see that the instruction is mainly for the wife to not withhold listening to her husband just because she has judged him as being unrespectful to God. She should maintain her dedication to God and not be influenced by his actions. She should however not be in made to do things contrary to her conscience or God's instruction to her. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you read the entire series you will see the same instruction given to the man. When we are reactive based on how we feel, we make our feelings our God and that never gives God the opportunity to work in our marriages.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

My parents are true testimony of the scripture above.

And you'll never know how many times I visited a woman in the hospital or went to her funeral over the same advice.

 

[Saint P]

As a believer in the power and efficacy of prayer, I will strongly recommend to take time to praying (together if possible) about your marriage. Both of you can have may be 3 to 4 prayer points that you both write and read it out to be prayed for during the prayer session. If both of you can agree to set sometime apart to pray together concerning your marriage consistently you will begin to see transformation. The real enemy of relationship is the devil - on a mission to destroy the things that God has made to reflect his glorious relationship with his church.

It is seldom difficult to have ill-feelings towards someone you genuinely pray for. Counselling is good, forums are good but at the end of the day two cannot walk together except they are united in spirit. Prayer brings in the power of the Holy Spirit that breathes upon your union so that your union becomes a place where God is glorified. Stay blessed guys and wish you the very best

 

[mkgal1]

Okay.......this doesn't have much to do with the OP, and I don't believe posters are allowed to peddle their blogs on here anyway. So maybe this just isn't the place for all that (besides it being harmful--potentially deadly-- advice). You may want to begin a new thread on just the topic.

 

[Saint P]

My sincere apologies if links are not allowed in the forum. I do not intend to go against any rules as my main purpose of joining this forum was to be able to help where possible. I will henceforth not post links.

However I wish to ask for the potential dangers in the advise I have given. I am a preacher who has often counselled people based on God's word and its application. Ephesians 5 has often been one of the core foundation of teaching and explaining marriage. I will appreciate how the things I have communicated are faulty scripturally or how I may have wrongly applied them in my advise to this couple.

Thank you

 

[RedPonyDriver]

simple...in case of abuse...prayer is great, from a safe distance. NO woman should ever be encouraged to stay in an abusive situation. You, as a pastor/preacher should counsel the woman to contact the police, a battered women's shelter and make an escape plan.

I know way too many women who were given the advice to try to "win him without a word" ending in tragedy for her and her children. PM me for more information.

 

[dayknee]

oh wow, it isn't often that both spouses share on the same forums!
From what I see, there is a huge difference in love languages and communication.

I really think, sometimes, it comes down to simple things. Basic things. Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church. Meaning...with everything you do, think, would Christ do something like this for his bride (the church?)? Wives, submit to your husbands, meaning, wives are you allowing your husband to be leader in your marriage? Are you allowing your husbands the respect they deserve as the head of the house and family?

I always feel that these basic things need to be looked at and evaluated on both sides before we start to be upset or complain about one another. Is it easy? no. Does it work when both spouses are focused on following their role as designed and laid out by Christ? Yes! And I know that you may say it isn't as simple as that, but it really is. God's way/design for marriage is perfect. We are the ones who get into our marriage and make a mess of it.

I suggest consistent Christian counseling from someone who is versed in biblical marriage. It seems as though you both struggle with being able to communicate your needs to one another, and of course your perspectives of what each other is doing or not doing is very different. I would also say to focus on yourself, in terms of "fixing" your issues before you confront one another about what the other is doing or not doing.

 

[LinkH]

My sincere apologies if links are not allowed in the forum. I do not intend to go against any rules as my main purpose of joining this forum was to be able to help where possible. I will henceforth not post links.

However I wish to ask for the potential dangers in the advise I have given. I am a preacher who has often counselled people based on God's word and its application. Ephesians 5 has often been one of the core foundation of teaching and explaining marriage. I will appreciate how the things I have communicated are faulty scripturally or how I may have wrongly applied them in my advise to this couple.

Thank you

Some posters have a problem with some of the things the Bible says about marriage. I wonder how many divorces in this country come from people not following I Peter 3, how many children raised in broken homes, how many people in jail partly because of their upbringing....

 

[LinkH]

God Can Work It Out and UHWife,

I got here kind of late, reading a revived thread from last month. I"m curious as to whether you two have made any programs.

To the husband, it sounds like there is a lot you can do to show your wife you love her. For one thing, you could buy her a birthday cake on her birthday. If it were me, I'd talk to my family about not wanting to spend time with her when you were away doing ministry if they detected you were having problems. Maybe she's the type who likes romantic gestures, love notes, etc. But if you get a cold response when you try this now, I can see how it could be frustrating.

UHWife,
It seemed like from reading your posts you are observing, almost testing your husband, to see if he'll do things to please you. Maybe that's a wrong perspective because you are analyzing these things now. But I wonder if, with your current discontentedness with your husband, if you'd reject his attempts at pleasing you. If he tries to give you the kind of hug you want, without looking at the cell phone, are you going to accept and appreciate that, or respond kind of coldly to it.

My wife grew up in a country where anniversaries are no big deal. We've gotten busy and we've both forgotten our anniversary. It comes right before Christmas, so we can be crazy busy. It's a good thing for me that my wife doesn't treat missing an anniversary like having an affair or killing a close relative. But I've gone out of the way to do nice things for her for our anniversary. Once, as a grad student, we were so poor. The financial aid office had messed up my financial aid and hadn't given me enough and I hadn't caught the error. We were struggling to get by and had no extra money. I made some little love notes about how I appreciated her and put them around the house. She really appreciated this little token of affection so much. We were having a great evening until I had this internal infection problem, the worst physical pain I'd ever felt... but I digress. Anyway, she appreciated little things. I don't have to jump through a lot of hoops for her to appreciate it.

You talk about giving up everything, giving up so much for your husband. It might help if you realize that's normal. You are supposed to do that when you get married. Keeping score about how much you gave up versus how much he's giving you isn't going to help.

My wife wouldn't mind if I took her on an anniversary trip using some kind of points. IMO, the best place for an anniversary trip is some out of the way place where there is nothing to do but stay in the hotel room, and the TV doesn't work. Maybe that's how he thinks, too. Preferences for anniversary trips are something you can discuss. If he's surprising you, try to look on the bright side, that he took you on a trip, instead of the negative side-- the things you don't like about the location. Where is it written that a woman has a right to be taken on a trip for her anniversary, and that she can complain if it doesn't meet up to certain standards? How about just being thankful for whatever trip he planned, even if his preferences don't line up with yours. My wife and I have a joint bank account, so if I take money out, it comes out of our common funds. We both have less. If she spent a lot of money on me, she may be showing appreciation, but we also have less money.

Also, if you want him to be more attentive-- and it looks like he has room to grow-- be careful to give him some positive feedback about it. He hugs you because that's what you said you like, so accept that hug and hug him back. If he tries to spend time with you, try to accept and appreciate that. If he apologizes, don't take the attitude that his apology is not enough, that he has to prove that he is sincere, etc. That can be a relationship killer. Please study and consider the words of Christ about forgiveness, and let go of any resentment or unforgivness toward him. THen you can appreciate his efforts and the marriage can improve.

I read that marriages where husband and wife pray together regularly end in divorce far less than 1$ of the time. I think it was taking from surveying people at a large church conference. Do you two regularly pray together? DO you pray for your marriage together?

 

[mkgal1]

Some posters have a problem with some of the things the Bible says about marriage

Or.....probably more accurately "some posters have a problem with some of the ways people project their OWN ideas onto the Bible....claiming 'the Bible' says things that are really only a projection of one's own ideas".

 

[LinkH]

Or.....probably more accurately "some posters have a problem with some of the ways people project their OWN ideas onto the Bible....claiming 'the Bible' says things that are really only a projection of one's own ideas".

Sure, that's true too. The root of the same problem I referred to in the post quoted above.

 

[mkgal1]

Sure, that's true too. The root of the same problem I referred to in the post quoted above.

Except.....if a problem isn't acknowledged in an accurate way (for a metaphor: if heart disease is blamed on high cholesterol instead of inflammation) that's not going to resolve the issue (and it may even bring death sooner by believing something that's not true). IMV that's not getting to the root of the problem.

 

[LinkH]

Except.....if a problem isn't acknowledged in an accurate way (for a metaphor: if heart disease is blamed on high cholesterol instead of inflammation) that's not going to resolve the issue (and it may even bring death sooner by believing something that's not true). IMV that's not getting to the root of the problem.

Yes, this is a big problem. A lot of people like to read their new modern philosophies back into these passages.

 

[mkgal1]

Yes, this is a big problem. A lot of people like to read their new modern philosophies back into these passages.

Is that supposed to be a bad thing (new modern philosophies)? Wasn't that what Christ was doing in His time (turning old teachings on their head)? Didn't Paul continue in that mission---to turn people's hearts/minds away from their *old* way of thinking? Aren't we encouraged to "put on the new"? Personally.....I don't believe that's an event....but a progression (not just as individuals---but as a culture as well).

I like to look at it this way: the Bible is the living Word. It's not a stagnant text that remains static and unchanging. Culture changes. He is redeeming us---not a one time event, but a progression. That takes an open mind and open hearts to see things in fresh light. If we read the same passages over and over again throughout the years of our lives---and come away with no new revelation---can we sincerely say that we are maturing in Him? That our faith is growing?

The mysteries of God aren't things we cannot grasp---it's revelations that are given to us layers at a time (as we mature and are ready to understand).

 

[mkgal1]

I'm going to start a new thread as the last few posts probably don't quite fit with the OP. Here: http://www.christianforums.com/thre...ust-different-than-what-one-believes.7944195/