Adultery, Secrets, Lies - Advice Appreciated

[eieiowe61]

Scenario: Two years ago husband couldn't find job and ended up going to the Middle East to work. Wife realizes how much she loves him and believes God sent him away so that she realizes this. Husband and wife meet in Europe the first Christmas--what a reunion!

Fast forward seven months - wife finds discriminating chat on a Yahoo website; husband blames roommate. Sceptical, but all is forgiven. Husband comes home for 30 day home leave in September. Has such a wonderful time with wife and family. Wife finds email sent by husband to his coworkers he was looking forward to getting back and returning to his Den. Wife confronts husband (via email as he is back overseas). Told this is his "lion's den" at work. Sceptical again, not really believing this story but moves on.

Husband and wife meet in Europe for the second Christmas--wife feeling somewhat resentful and sad as husband in grouchy mood most of the time--missing the girlfriend perhaps? Husband and wife return to opposite ends of the world. Husband returns stateside one month later for father's funeral. Better visit in wife's opinion.

Wife pops in the husband's email account a month later, the Den name pops up again. Wife asks again. This time, it's an 8-year-old daughter of his coworker. Okay, sure. Wife moves on after being told yes, the temptation is there but his love for his wife is greater. Wife wants to beleive this more than anything in the world.

Husband and wife plan Europe reunion in July--he is finally coming home, never to return to the Middle East. This week, wife feeling uneasy (intuition again) that something about some of his emails just isn't quite right. Checks and discovers he was vacationing with Den in a neighboring country, she is leaving the same day he is (except returning to "poverty", so I assume she's one of many orientals working in that country), and other things that I don't want to bore you with.

Wife is crushed--what happened to this beautiful reunion that they have so looked forward to?? Wife still processing this information after the last email-snoop and doesn't know how to approach husband. She wants revenge and retaliation, but she also knows God would want her to show love, forgiveness, and mercy. Wife needs advice before approaching husband, who surely will come up with another lie to cover his tracks.

Should wife ditch this lying cheat once and for all? Try making it work (how does one learn to trust again??)? If wife opts for the later, it definitely isn't going to be without Christian counseling. Husband came from a dysfunctional family and has alot of underlying emotional problems (insecure, angry). Husband loves wife with all his heart and is basically a good person, but has been in trouble with wife in the past over inappropriate content addiction. Husband has medical issues including ED, yet????

Sorry so long - please help!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Argent]

Are you serious? This guy's been doing an 8 year old child? He needs more than Christian counseling. He needs a jail cell!

 

[eieiowe61]

Are you serious? This guy's been doing an 8 year old child? He needs more than Christian counseling. He needs a jail cell!

Oh no!! I didn't imply that at all!! His coworker, along with his Phillopino wife, have an 8-year old daugther named den-den.

This is another Den.

Sorry - I should have reread it before I posted :o

 

[charligirl]

I am truely sorry for you. I think this is one that comes down to what you really want in your heart.

Walking away is understandable, trust and covenant have been shattered... i am not sure I would be able to make it work after such a separation and then all the lies and adultery... but that's me, plenty of couples do make it through with counselling and prayer.

You need to have a long and honest talk when he returns - if he is willing to own up to it all, admit his issues and agree to counselling then you go with your instincts on whether you really want to make it work.

Forgiveness is one thing, but that doesn;t mean you have to make it work, you can forgive him and still walk away from the marriage.... well actually that's not accurate, he walked away you'd just be getting on with your life again.

If he doesn't admit to it and want to work it out then t's far easier... walk away and give youself some time to pray it over.

I pray God gives you wisdom.

 

[GolfingMom]

Not sure wat to say but I'll be praying for you...

 

[Leanna]

Honestly I was a bit lost on the whole third person bit. I am getting that you suspect an affair, but haven't confronted him about it. Start there and read this website: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5032a_qa.html

 

[Autumnleaf]

I think you might have made up something big out of this which may or may not be accurate. Be sure you know for sure what you think you do before you do anything rash.

 

[MikeK]

sit him down when he comes home and tell him everything you know, and ask him (calmly, without emotion) to come clean and lay it all on the table. Tell him ahead of time that you need the truth and that you will do everything in your power to forgive him, but you cannot begin to forgive until you at least know what's been going on. I don't know if you should stick with him or not, but if he's unwilling to sit down and quietly and frankly discuss this with you, then I think I know what I would do. Do not yell at him, don't call him names, don't cry, don't accuse him of anything, just calmly exoplain that you need the truth and that you're ready to try to forgive and heal and hopefully he'll open up about it. Good luck. Prayers sent.

 

[LynnMcG]

I agree with MikeK. I think before you make any decision, you need to know the truth. I would think there's something to the adultry. I've found God has given me insight to situations in my marriage when I needed it. So I would pray for that - wisdom. Speak to your husband, calmly. And prayerfully make the decision that's best for you and your family.

 

[IKTCA]

Should wife ditch this lying cheat once and for all? Try making it work (how does one learn to trust again??)? If wife opts for the later, it definitely isn't going to be without Christian counseling. Husband came from a dysfunctional family and has alot of underlying emotional problems (insecure, angry). Husband loves wife with all his heart and is basically a good person, but has been in trouble with wife in the past over inappropriate content addiction. Husband has medical issues including ED, yet????

Sorry so long - please help!!!!!!!!!!

In all honesty, I don't think any human being has the power to overcome the lies, inappropriate contento addiction, and cheats that held him for so long. He may repent and have some tears before you, but he has no power to overcome the prolonged sinful way of living. I think you knew it already when you said, "it isn't going to be without Christian counseling." Only the Lord can give him the power to overcome such a long sinful addiction. His repentance needs to be in the Lord. You can forgive him now, but what good will that do? I wish your forgiveness had the power to erase his sin desires.

Rupert

 

[Digit]

Heyas,

The only thing I can really gather with any certainty from this, is that there is a trust issue here. Perhaps because as you say in the past, he has had issues with inappropriate contentography, you are wary, but the e-mail snooping highlights this issue for me. Please bare in mind that is all I am saying, I am certainly not saying you deserve this, or that's why it happened or he's right or whatever. All I am saying is that there is broken trust.

I am truly sorry you both are having difficulties. I really feel the other poster hit the nail on the head when they mentioned you need to clear the air. Sit him down, tell him everything you know, and your suspicions and ask him outright to please explain this all to you.

It's only then, that the situation will become clear I feel. As long as you have suspicions and nothing really confirmed, things could actually blow up quite badly with a lot of hurt on both sides.

I would pray about it, ask for God's grace, and when you talk to your husband ask for peace and calm for both of you to work through this.

Let us know how it turns out, and you will be in my prayers.
Digit

 

[pegatha]

Based on what you've written, I believe that your husband is an accomplished liar. Up till now, you've wanted to believe him, because the truth that you suspect is so painful. When he returns, you can sit him down, show him the evidence, and ask for the truth. Maybe then he'll come clean. But maybe he won't. If he continues to lie to you, where do you go from there?

I don't have any easy answers, other than to find the best, no-nonsense, I-can-smell-a-lie-a-mile-away Christian marriage counselor you can, assuming you still want to try to save your marriage. I also recommend reading Bold Love by Dan Allendar. It's a strongly Biblical book about how love and forgiveness are totally compatible with holding people accountable for their behavior.

Last of all, your suspicions seem well-founded enough that if you were my daughter, I'd strongly urge you to avoid having sex with him till he got tested for AIDS & STDs.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

[Johnnz]

He has a lot to work through from his past, and his present too. It will take a huge effort over a considerable amount of time before you will be in a position to even begin to really trust him again. Also, get a full medical on him just in case if you will be living together.

You have some very hard decisions to make I am afraid. I hope you have wise counsel and loving support around you.

John
NZ