abusive marriage...what to do

[tclyons]

I'm just going to get real honest here......dh does nothing to help with me or the kids. He never wants to do anything as a family that requires us to go anywhere. I didn't give him any choice this year when we went to Disney. He ended up sick but I refused for him to make the kids and I miserable. We left him in that hotel room alone everyday. I refuse to sit around and let my kids miss out on life experiences b/c he can't fit it into his busy schedule of all this work he has to do outside that nobody will help him with. Yes, I know there is upkeep to be done around here...mowing, splitting wood for winter, garden, and whatever else but he does this ALL the time until dark with a beer in his hand the entire time. He has verbally abused me for years. Doesn't name call (at least not to my face) but I never seem to measure up in his eyes. Everything is my fault, according to him. He screams at me constantly and it doesn't matter if the kids are around or not. He says he talks loud so I will understand him...I'm not hard of hearing but that doesn't seem to matter. . He constantly says I don't understand...makes me feel like a stupid idiot. Right after the baby (now almost 2) was born, he broke one of my mugs and some of the baby bottles in a rage that scared the kids. Hasn't done that one since but did slam the door a couple of weeks ago. He has slammed it so hard, that I'm surprised it didn't fall off the hinges. Thankfully, the baby and our daughter were in the bath and our oldest son was at my mom's so they didn't know what it was. I thought he was going to hit me as he got up against my back and told me I made his so mad. Thank God he didn't. I don't think he would hit me but I can honestly say, it would only happen once. He drinks beer daily...it was one of the wiskey fits that he broke the mug and bottles b/c I mentioned that I was concerned about him drinking wiskey every night. His dad was an alcoholic, as was his grandfather...not sure how far back this generational curse goes. His aunt, our neighbor, was too but quit a few years ago. He doesn't drink to get drunk but it is an obvious problem for me, especially when he has our 6 year old brininging him beer and has the kids crushing the cans for him. He has an industrial size trash bag under the carport that is full of CRUSHED beer cans that he drank alone. Put it this way, there is a gallon size zip lock bag in the cabinet full of the tabs that come off the cans that he has drank alone in the last year or so. It's his way of helping donate a cancer treatment to a child who's parents can't afford it. He could pay for...ok, don't let me get started on that one.

He refuses to go to church with me and creates a fight everytime I go. It got especially bad a couple of weeks ago (when the door slamming incident happened) that he was screaming in a rage as I walked out the door. He threatened to pull some sort of plug on my truck so that I couldn't go. All I've heard ever since is that I broke his heart. Never mind the number of times he has broke mine. That doesn't matter to him. He has tendonitus in his elbow and used that as an excuse that he needed me at home. Honestly, there was nothing I could do for his arm. He is a big baby when he is sick. Thank goodness I don't get sick very often. Back during the last school year, I woke up sick on a Saturday morning. Micah was sick too. He had thrown up all over himself in his crib and I was very nauseated and weak with fever. Dh threw a fit at me b/c I didn't plan it, so he couldn't do anything outside that day b/c he had to take care of a sick kid and Logan and Madalyn. He never checked on me that day. He slammed drawers and made sure he fussed loud enough for me to hear. I remember my sweet girl coming in to check on me and I asked her to please get her daddy to bring me some tylenol and water for my fever. That was the only time I saw him that day.

After all of this, he wants sex. The tendonitus in his elbow isn't bad enough that he can't have sex but bad enough that he thought I needed to stay home from church. He gets extemely mad over this. I have been doing some research on verbal abuse and have learned that a decreased sex drive is a result of the abuse...makes sense to me. I'm constantly doing everything wrong, what makes him think I would be in the mood for it. He never shows intimacy. Treats me like I'm his toy. Rarely hugs me or kisses me for no reason. Usually, his hugs and kisses involve some kind of groping. I'm to my breaking point. Back during the revival at our church, I took a stand the night I left when he was in a rage demanding I not go. Ever since, it has been turmoil around here. See, for years, I have been his doormat. When we were first married, he used to leave me at home and go to parties, bars ect. He would never take me anywhere. Still doesn't take me anywhere. That's why we never do anything. But like I said earlier, I will see to it, that my kids will go on vacations every year and that they get to experience things that he doesn't want to take the time to do. The only thing he does with the kids is play outside with them...mostly just outside working while they are out playing. He doesn't help them with their homework, bathe them, pick out their clothes to wear, read books with them, ect. I do all of that.

I have an appt in a little while for counseling. I have grown a backbone in the past month and need some guidance. I'm not sure what the future holds for us right now but I do know that we cannot continue down this same path. Our oldest (6 yrs) screams at our middle childe (5) and sometimes his little brother now and will sass me. I know it's from watching his dad. Dh says it is b/c of me and my lack of showing him (dh) the respect he deserves. He has threatened me that if I leave, I would never take the kids away from him.

So, I guess my married life is a mess right now. I do know that I am not a doormat, I know I'm not perfect, but am not to blame for all the misery in his life. My main thing and reason for counseling tomorrow is for my kids. I want to do what is best for my kids. It has been good for me to get all of this out. I have been in denial about it or actually defended my husband's actions for years. As far as sleeping while he is gone...everynight this past month, he has come to bed and woke me up to scream at me about how miserable I make him and then try to demand sex. I can't stand for him to touch me anymore. I don't sleep good with him next to me. So, like I said earlier, since he's been gone, I have slept like a baby.

 

[kristinarmstrong]

My experiences have been very similar to yours . . . add in adultery, inappropriate content, lying, and verball/emotional abuse of my children and I might believe we were married to the same person. The difference is that we are divorcing.

Remember that you are a precious child of Him, as are your children! He is your Helper, your Deliverer. The best advice I have is to pray the Psalms. They are like water to a sun-scorched land. Pray for His will and guidance and simply stand back and allow Him to lead you. You are His beloved.

May God lead you into His promised Land, which overflows with milk and honey and teach you His ways. May God do unto you and yours that which will profit you.

An unworthy servant

 

[Autumnleaf]

Is denying your husband sex doing you, the kids, or the marriage any good? Giving him sex isn't a magic solution to fixing everything but denying him it is definitely a good way to move things in the other direction.

 

[bliz]

You and your children need to get to a safe place. You can see how his behavior is being emulated already.

Would you want your daughter to live with this when she is married? Then why are you modeling that exact behavior for her?

Get out. You can work on the marriage from a safe place, but little is going to change while you are sill living with him.

 

[kristinarmstrong]

Is denying your husband sex doing you, the kids, or the marriage any good? Giving him sex isn't a magic solution to fixing everything but denying him it is definitely a good way to move things in the other direction.

True intimacy is not only physical, but emotional, spiritual . . . which is lacking in her marriage. He has firstly denied her the emotional intimacy necessary to make this "act" what it was meant to be (becoming one).

An unworthy servant

 

[tclyons]

Thank you all. I had a counseling session with my pastor today and was advised to seek an attorney to find out what my rights are. No, he didn't tell me to leave but wanted me to know what my rights were should it come to that.

An, thank you an unworthy servant, for explaining that I'm not denying my husband sex to spite him. Plus, I haven't denied him sex.

 

[thoughtIwas]

I am not trying to give advise but maybe some insight to what he may be feeling. That in turn may be able to help you understand what it is that you need.

First off I am deployed to Iraq right now. I am also going through a very rough time in my marriage. I thought that I had a very good marriage. If you want the full details you can read "What does it all mean" in this forum. I have learned alot about my wife's point of view about our marriage since I have been deployed. When we were together she tried to tell me that we were having problems. I was to selfish to really hear what she was trying to say. My parents divorced when I was about 12 and I lived with my dad. He went to work everyday before the sun came up and came home tired and worn out. That is how I learned to show love. I knew that he loved me because he worked so hard for my well being. I in turn worked really hard all of the time because that is how I thought I was supposed to show my wife that I loved her. We used to fight alot about me working so much. I am in the Army so sometimes I don't have a choice. When I returned home after my first deployment I was angry all of the time. I couldn't really explane why. I didn't feel appreciated by my wife for all of the hard work that I was doing for her and my family. Like I said that is how I showed Love for them. So it felt to me like she was rejecting my Love for her. I would just internilize it and keep it to myself. She felt the same way. Unappreciated and unloved. I have figured most of these things out from God and from reading books that others from CF have advised.

I don't know what your husband's entire background is with his father or how his home life was. What I have learned is that people show love in differant ways. His lashing out at you may be because he doesn't feel understood. He may feel like you are rejecting his love. That may be why he demands sex. He feels sex is a sign of love and he doesn't know how else to recieve your love. That does not excuse his behavor. He is not treating you with the respect you deserve as a wife. The respect that the Lord commands him to give his wife. He may not be in a state of mind or spiritual health to accept what you are trying to accomplish in your marriage. I didn't find God untill my wife told me a few months ago that she didn't know if she was going to be with me when I got home. I don't believe that I caused her as much pain as you have been through. You don't deserve to be treated the way that you are being treated. Your marriage needs counseling yes, but most of all it needs a strong relationship with the Lord. 1 Peter 3:1-2 "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." Being "submissive" does not mean that you do everything that he says or wants you to do. It does not mean that he should rule over you like a tyranical king. The husband is supposed to have the headship of the family. In the same way that the Lord has headship over us. The Lord is our Groom and we his bride.


In the sermon that the Chaplin gave this past sunday he said to us men. "Men if you want to have a happy and loving marriage you need to run to the Lord as fast as you can. And while you are running you reach back and grab the hand of your wife and lead her to the Lord."
You may need to walk away for awhile to get in the "safe place" to work on you marriage. God did not open my eyes untill I was 13,000 miles from home and I felt that I had lost everything that has ever been of importance to me. I promise that if you pray that the Lord makes your husband the husband and father that he should be. It will happen. You have to believe that it will when you pray. I don't know what the Lord has planned for my marriage. I just pray that it brings the Lord glorification. In the end I know that God is with me and that he is going to make me a better follower of his word and a better husband. If you diligently seek the face of the Lord your husband will follow in your footsteps eventually. He may just need an eye opener. If you two can get to the place where you can talk to each other in a non-hurtful way. Then you both may realize that your feelings are the same. If you haven't, read "The Five Love Languages," and also "Captivating." I realized that I was not going to be able to save my marriage untill I saved myself. Run to the Lord. I will be praying for you.

 

[Autumnleaf]

True intimacy is not only physical, but emotional, spiritual . . . which is lacking in her marriage. He has firstly denied her the emotional intimacy necessary to make this "act" what it was meant to be (becoming one).

An unworthy servant

For men the opposite is true. For her husband the opposite is true. He is crying out for her to meet his needs that only she can provide since she is married to him. Some would say she is cruel to neglect him so.

 

[tclyons]

For men the opposite is true. For her husband the opposite is true. He is crying out for her to meet his needs that only she can provide since she is married to him. Some would say she is cruel to neglect him so.

Not wanting to start anything but my husband is treating sex in a way that is not pleasing to God. He has told me that if he told me to hang from the ceiling fan naked and cluck like a chicken that I should do it b/c he said so.

 

[dayknee]

Gahh...
It is an emotionally abusive relationship. You should both should be in counseling to try to work it out. And seek God! Pray that your husband will change.

However, you are not a trained animal ready and willing to have sex with your husband at all times in all ways doing all sorts of crazy things..unless you chose to.
Explain to you husband what makes you feel close to him and want to be intimate. Explain that being loving outside the bedroom also aids in you being sexually open to him inside of it.
Men and, and some women, act like men just HAVE to have sex.."they are wired that way", "they are programed that way" "men have to have release" "men are enormous ego,pride ridden creatures who cannot control their urges" "if you dont give it to me someone else will"...
Ok this is NOT a man..this is a wimp..this is a selfish person who thinks only of himself. People get confused about what a marriage is and what it isnt.
God's word tells you all you need to know about marriage. Jesus tells us everythign we need to know about a marriage.
So many times people drop men down to this human being who just cannot control themselves..its ridiculous and completely false.
You do not have to have sex with him. If he is not doing things that are positive and supportive to the marriage..Women need to feel safe and emotionally drawn to their man, it makes it easier to be intimate with them. When this isnt happening then its harder to be intimate. Especially if there is abuse and such going on.
Do not act like a trained monkey becuase others give you the fasle impression that your marraige would be better if you gave it up. It wont be.
Read Gods word..Pray..seek some counsel.
I hope it works out for you

 

[tclyons]

dayknee-He refuses any counceling. I've tried to get him to go. And, I have told him what I need outside of the bedroom but it goes in one ear and out the other.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Not wanting to start anything but my husband is treating sex in a way that is not pleasing to God. He has told me that if he told me to hang from the ceiling fan naked and cluck like a chicken that I should do it b/c he said so.

Do you always say no when he asks you for something? If you push against him it is no wonder he pushes back. Do you ever counter offer and see where it goes? ie 'Not tonight honey but I promise tomorrow after work you won't be disappointed.' That way he thinks about you in a good way all night and all day. Then you can meet his reasonable desires and after that waiting and love he will be like putty in your hands. He'd do almost whatever you want him to. Your power is in your femininity. If you discard that you will be using masculine energy which is no good unless your husband is feminine or you are in a lesbian relationship.

 

[thoughtIwas]

There are more things going on here than just sex. Yes sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage. But this does not sound like a healthy marriage. Does it?

To be honest my wife tried to tell me before I deployed that she would leave me if I continued to act the way that I did. At that time I was selfish in the fact that I thought what I was saying was right all of the time. I thought that she would not leave me and that she was just having some emotional issues. I did not know how to speak in emotion. I was not raised in a place where emotions had any value only logic and reason. So things just went "in one ear and out the other." I needed my eyes opened. To be able to hear.

My question to you is; Do you think that your husband loves you? If you do, why does he not show it to you? Why would he get so passionately angry if he did not have any love for you? He is not in a place to listen to you spiritualy. Some where he has gotten the idea that "I am a man and you should listen to me because you are a women." At some point in his life that was what he was taught. I seriously doubt that some one told him that. It was something that he observed and adopted as the right thing to do. You both need the Lord in your lives. He may not want the Lord but that should not stop you. It would be the best for you, your children, and your marriage in the long run.

Nothing good ever comes from an angry argument. Useing sex in that way is degrading. Sex is a great thing that God gave to us and it should be cherished and respected. Not degraded. When you pray. Pray that the Lord will open your husbands eyes. Pray that he will show you how to open your husbnds eyes. If you want to stay married to this man the most powerful thing that you can do is pray with all you heart, mind, and soul so that your husband may be "won over." If you should deceide to go to a "safe place" that is your choice. I have noticed that a lot of things get lost in conversation. I miss what my wife is trying to say over the phone and vice versa. The only way I have been able to get anything through is by letter. It gives you time to compile your thoughts and get them to your husband without him interrupting. You should be clear and precise. It sounds like you have been swallowing a lot of emotional abuse for years. You should have a "backbone" to stand up for yourself. That is a good thing. I dont know if you have ever tried this. Next time he comes at you with anger. Respond with kindness. If you match volume and tone with him that is going to ignite his alpha male defenses and he will increase his volume and tone. You can be pleasently defiante. When he is " You are stupid, worthless" and whatever hurtful things he says. You look him straight in the eyes and say "(insert name) I love you (for what ever reasons,ie good provider, good home maintainer, whatever) but I am not worthless and I can not continue to be treated this way." He will not hear anything you have to say if he is mad. You two have been married for awhile and I know that you know how to push his buttons to get him spooled up. You also know what it take to cool him down. Use that to your advantage to calm him down to a point where you two can comunicate. And if the beer is a problem. Plan an intervention. Be strong. Be patient. Be faithful. Pray. Pray. Pray. Then Pray some more. You are definatly in my prayers. God Bless.

 

[tclyons]

Thank you so much and you are exactly right...it is more than sex. We still have sex but it's more of a submissive thing on my part. I do not always tell him no. How would you feel if your spouse told you you should hang from the ceiling naked with a coke bottle shoved up your xxx all because he said so. He is yelling at me over everything. He says he talks loud to make me understand...I can't tell you how many times he's said "you don't understand or your not getting it". I am not dumb by any means. He never does anything with us as a family unless it is a situation where he would look horrible if he didn't.

As far as my husband still loving me...he says he does but his actions don't show it. He shows no affection and hasn't for quite some time. He used to say "I love you too heiffer" (I'm barely 120 lbs but it still hurt). I put a stop to that. He still tells me he loves me after I tell him...never before and always says it with aggravation. I think he loves me but has taken me for granted. To the above poster, you hit the nail on the head...he does think b/c he is the man, I should listen to him. And, I know the Lord...He is the lifter of my head, He is my saving grace, He is the one that will see me through this mess. On the flip side, my husband refuses to go to church with me. Says he is a Christian and I pray that he is. That is between he and God. I will say there is no fruit. Could be that he is seriously oppressed but he has to make the decision to do something about it. When he comes at me in anger, I don't respond. God has shut my mouth as I used to get into screaming matches. Doesn't really matter anyway b/c he won't shut his mouth long enough to hear what I'm trying to say anyway.

I met with an attorny today and found out my rights. My husband has always made me feel like he was the rightful owner of everything. I just live here and use the things around here. Almost like I'm the housekeeper with no rightful ownership to anything around here. Boy, I found out he is completely wrong. I feel better knowing that I wouldn't go unnoticed.

Thank you for the prayers.

 

[thoughtIwas]

The reason that I hit the nail on the head is because I have been that way with my wife. With the "I'm a man part" I never vocalized it just believed it. Like I said before I needed an eye opener. It sounds like you may have already made up your mind as to what you are going to do. It is good to know your rights in case that day comes.

A little from your husbands point of view (maybe?) I dont know him as well as you. All of this stuff about you not understanding sounds very familiar to me because that is what I would tell my wife. The problem was she didn't understand because I didn't understand completely. After my last deployment I could not explain what was going on in side my head and there would be days where I would cry because I would be so angry for no reason. I used to say that I was a christian as well, but now I know the difference. I couldn't make her understand because I didn't really understand. Maybe this is something that your husband is going through, among other things. Could it be the alcohol, his father, depression? My wife would tell me I needed to change my ways and I wouldn't listen. I didn't listen untill she told me that she didn't know if she was going to be with me when I returned. Since then I have turned to God and started letting Him change me. It may be to late for my marriage. That is in Gods hands. Maybe your husband needs something dramatic to open his eyes. If he loves you he will fight for you if he knows there is a chance. Almost all men need to feel like they can win that there is still hope. If it is that bad that he won't listen, he dosen't seem to care, he is emotionally abusive (he is) then pray for a way to open his eyes. When his eyes are open he will beg for you to tell him how to improve. All of that will only work when he is ready to listen. God can open his heart. He is obviously not leading the home to God and if he is not going to pray for his family and for his own knowledge then you are going to have to. In this current deployment I have learned these things about myself. Also there are several other men that have told me that they are like your husband in one way or another and God is working on all of them. It all started when thier wives told them that they were or thinking about leaving. The major difference is that we are already seperated from our wives physically. That is a hard pill to swallow and most men are to prideful to accept it at first. I am not suggesting that you seperate or leave your husband. That would be something that you need to pray about. I just know that men that love their wives will fight for them.