Interesting article. From a teenage perspective the main parenting mistakes I've witnessed are:
- Inappropriately involving children in parental feuds, fights, or problems. I'm enormously grateful that my own parents have been peacefully divorced since I was a toddler and never involved my brother and me in any legal or custodial wrangling; have a sincere respect for one another and are genuinely friends; and are happily remarried to my wonderful stepparents. My childhood has only benefitted from their divorce because I have two extra parents and sets of grandparents. I'm blissfully ignorant about any tension there might have been between them at some point and know nothing about their financial arrangements.
But I have so many friends who have been collateral damage to their parent's divorce or acrimony. I think it's cruel for one parent to demean the other in front of their child. It's using words as the sticks and stones, and it's the often the kid who feels the most wounded from them because when someone you love gets hurt, you get hurt. The parent-child loyalty is so primal. I think it's tacky to discuss child support and to make the kid feel as if she should withhold her affection from the non-paying parent until he / she has made remittance. My friend's mom sends him on a guilt trip every time he wants to spend time with his dad because of financial disputes over alimony and child support. They live in a tony neighborhood, so it's not like it's a dire matter that mandates his involvement in their mess. She unleashes a torrent of vitriol if he makes any comments that could at all be construed as complimentary towards his dad in her presence. She even deleted a picture of the two of them from his Instagram. >.<
I'm mainly writing all this to spew off online because I'm upset at another friend's impossible predicament her egocentric parents have put her in. Our high school graduation is coming up, and even though it's about her and not them, they are making it all about them because they cannot stand to coexist in the same space for the span of a few hours. Her dad has paid the hugely expensive tuition all six years, but he lives five hours away and she lives with her mom. He wants her to tell her mom that she cannot attend her graduation because he's footed the bill. >.<
I realize some of the problems aren't easily avoidable but the mistakes with how they are handled are.
- Never arguing in front of your kids, even if it's not hostile. On the flip end of the spectrum from the parents who perpetually fight are the parents who think they should never expose their children to disagreement between them. I personally feel like it's been beneficial watching my parents and stepparents resolve conflict and disagreements in a peaceful way.
- Parents forcing their religious and philosophical beliefs on teens. I think it's appropriate to teach your children about religion, but then there's a point where it should be respected that we're individuals and have our own personal beliefs.
- Rigidly making and enforcing all rules even as the kid is on the verge of adulthood and should learn to be more self-managing. I really appreciate that I no longer have a set curfew and just talk with my parents about my plans and am entrusted to be reasonable. One of my friends who is already at college is roommates with a girl who had such strict rules and boundaries in high school she cannot self-regulate at college. Going from so many rules to total freedom has led to problems.
- Making teens miss milestone events as punishment, such as being deprived of prom or winter formal because it takes place during a grounding for a relatively minor infraction. Making them miss out on team athletic practices or rehearsals is even worse because it negatively effects others. My own parents don't do this but a few of my friend's parents do.
- Being overly permissive. I think it can be problematic if the parents are too strict and controlling but equally problematic if they are too permissive and never say no. I have friends whose parents never instilled a work ethic in them and tolerated low grades due to a lack of effort. They were happy about that in their younger years but now that college is coming up, they regret not being pushed to fulfill their potential.
I babble a lot when I'm bored or annoyed. Apologies.
