I'm the son of a deadbeat father myself, and I'll be 19 in March. I keep thinking back to certain clues and events throughout my life, and I don't know why, but I feel like I should die.
Do you know why you feel like that?
Is it connected to having a "deadbeat" father?
Is it because you feel you haven't achieved much?
I don't feel scared to die, however I do feel sad and excited whenever I think about it.
Sad and excited are two different emotions.
What makes you feel sad? The thought of leaving this life? The thought that you might leave without having achieved anything? The thought that you are like your father and death is "inevitable"?
What makes you feel excited? The thought that you will be out of this world and with God forever? The thought that you will have achieved your own death?
If your life was to end, how do you know that God won't be disappointed that you wasted it? How do you know that he will allow it to end? If you don't believe in life after death, why does the thought of not existing any more excite you? Do you believe in complete oblivion after death?
My mother, grandmother, and stepfather, who are all believers of God and the Bible, looks down on my biological dad and his family. And rightfully so, since my dad walked out on me and my mom when I was 2, and we both had to go back to living with my grandmother.
Sounds like your dad wasn't a good role model for his children, and I can imagine that caused a great deal of hurt.
You could talk to someone about that and receive healing.
Anyways, my grandmother hates my dad, my stepdad does too,
Understandable - but sad that someone who believes in a God of love, who forgives and gives second chances, should still feel that way.
and I'm pretty sure anyone else who knew that my dad was a deadbeat would hate him too, and would see me as unlucky for being a male child of his.
Maybe - but why do you have to be defined by your father?
He was "deadbeat"; be better than he was. He ran away from responsibility; live your life to the full and show him that you can survive without him. One day you MAY understand and begin to forgive, but it sounds like that is a long way off.
When I keep thinking about all of this, it makes the concept of death seem less and less scary. What do y'all think?
You're 18; an adult. You have responsibility for your own life.
If it's not good, you can try to make it better. You can show others, who might pity you, that you've got what it takes to turn things around. You can be your own man, not defined by your father.
You could have 60 or 70 years ahead of you, to live, love, be a great dad yourself, maybe even be a grandfather - how do you feel about that?
One thing's for sure, if you were to die, meet God and were asked to give an account of your life and actions, saying "it's my dad's fault" would not be an option.
If thoughts of death are really strong and you can't see anything else; try to find a therapist. Or, if you want someone to talk to and to explore your feelings and options, email
jo@samaritans.org.