just kiddin'

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn ...

... and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed ...... a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the service and went to talk to Bernie.

"What are doing here with a dog?"

"The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.

"It's true," says Bernie.

"I don't believe you. You are just fooling around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue."

"Its really true," says Bernie.

"OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."

"OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!

The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school?"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message.

It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country.

He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign that read, "$10,000 per minute."


Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!? Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call.

....Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now! and it's a local call."

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said; "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"


"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?," asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put labelon each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we needed our own "Southern" symbols:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.


CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although your whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.


"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Two West Virginians were having the blue-plate special at their favorite watering hole . . .

. . . when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady a few bar


stools down turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast.

The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we awtta' he'p?"

"I reckon," said the second hick.

So the first hillbilly got up, walked over to the lady and asked "Kin ya' breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin ya' speak?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the fanny. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that thar' Hind Lick Maneuver works ev'r' time."

The Difference Between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans


Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. I have some Southern folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems ...

They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair! The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call Lucifer."


The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Oh, hold on!" The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there." The Devil said, "Wait one minute!" and puts the Lord on Hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back again. Now, what was the question?"

The Lord said, "I said, what kind of problems are you having down there?".

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on........., Lord"!!!! This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Southerners done put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"

Somewhere in the deep south Bubba called an attorney and asked ...

..., "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"


"Yes, Bubba, that's true." answered the lawyer.

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"

'Cause I was thinkin'--maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been dating ..."

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption ...

... and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

• Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip reens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
• Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
• Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
• All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
• All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
• Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
• Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
• Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
• No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
• A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
• Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger"can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in"that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
• Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and whenwe're "in line," we talk to everybody!
• Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
• True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
• True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
• Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
• When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
• Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
• A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
• And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

Questions on the redneck engineers license exam ...

• Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
• Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.
• If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
• A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?
• If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
• A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
• A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
• A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
• A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
• At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."


The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to his kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be at lantern and said,


"Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.

"No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.

As the night went by no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop..


The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. "Look Bubba, that's the jerk who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon.

He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.


The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Hillbilly from Eastern Kentucky. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thang, hows about getting me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?". The waitress nodded so the Hillbilly said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Hillbilly. The Hillbilly jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me ...... I'm drawing disability!!!!!"

Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.


"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you".

Yesterday President Bush recruited an elite group from the Texas Special Forces.

These men will be sent to Afghanistan to root out the last of the Taliban and Al Qaeda.


Tomorrow, Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter and Cooter will leave with the following instructions:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last Saturday.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like pickup trucks, country music, good looking women, or Jesus.
5. They don't like barbecue or beer.
6. Many are queer.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

President Bush expects the operation to last 7 to 10 days.

You know you know you're from a small town if:

• You can name everyone you graduated with.
• You know what 4-H is.
• You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
• You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
• You ever went cow tipping or snipe hunting.
• School gets cancelled for state events.
• You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow).
• It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
• You had senior skip day.
• The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
• You don't give directions by street names, but by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east of Anderson's, and it's 4 houses to the left of the track field).
• The cc golf course only has 9 holes.
• You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend/boyfriend.
• Your car stays filthy because of dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
• You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
• The town next to you is considered snooty, but is actually just like your town.
• Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
• You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people".
• The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend 2 years later.
• Anyone you want can be found at the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
• The city council meets are the coffee shop.
• Weekend excitement involves a trip to Wal-Mart.
• Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
• Your teacher calls you by your older siblings names.
• Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
• The closest McDonalds is 45 miles away.
• So is the closest mall.
• It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower