Love is earned. An X chromosome does not entitle one to love.
How doe that sound? Not so great, right. You can't have it both ways. Love given to a wife or respect given to a husband is not conditioned on performance.
"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her," (Because I said so, God)
"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." (Because I said so, God)
In a sense, love is actually earned. God chose Abram because of his righteousness. God chose Noah because of his righteousness. We know that righteousness is attractive to God.
In the same way, a man will base his pursuit of a wife on what he finds attractive. Iow, she possesses qualities that he wants to pursue, and he does. But she does not typically reciprocate unless she also finds something attractive about him - this is primarily based on how well she believes he will love her and how trustworthy she finds him. These are both "earned" during their "getting to know you" phase of the relationship, any prior knowledge, the input of friends, family, etc. It is all very much "earned."
God gave the command for men to love their wives because men made the choice to marry her, driven by love, and so he should always nurture thoughts and feelings that maintain that love. If a woman finds her suitor worthy of her trust and respect, then she will reciprocate.
What happens if either of them becomes unlovable / untrustworthy or lacks respectability? They should try to work it out, and for those who are in Christ and are concerned with becoming more obedient to the Word, then they will not point the finger in blame, but take responsibility for asking God "search me, Oh, God and know my heart." When we listen to God, he will show us the plank we need to remove from our own eyes before we seek to take the speck out of our spouse's eyes. When this pattern goes awry is when real marriage trouble starts and can lead to divorce - and sometimes with good reason. There is evidence of this in Pr. 31 - the husband of the ideal wife is respectable and well-respected.
As for submission, Eph 5:21 clearly states that submission is mutual. How easy it would be for men to submit (yield to his wife for her best interest - aka: LOVE) if he knows that she will admire and respect him for it. How easy it would be for women to submit (yield to her husband for his best interest - aka: RESPECT) if she knows that she can trust his capacity to love her.