There is no way I can ever make up for the harm I did to Christians

[Parogar]

A year ago, I was a minor "internet celebrity."
I had about 50,000 fans on a website called Wattpad, I was a smug, extremely-far left liberal, and I had dedicated my entire life to my writing. I also came here frequently and trolled Christians but that's another thing entirely.

Essentially, I used my power to harm Christians. As a militant atheist, I had dedicated myself to attacking Christians, tearing their faith away, filling people with doubt, and leading them directly into sin.

I became more and more conflicted as I did this. My forum history on here shows that well enough, often switching back and forth between seeker and militant atheist/troll.

But something happened to me along the way. One day, two far-left feminists made lies about me: complete, utter lies. The atheists/feminists/trolls I sided with stabbed me in the back and got me banned from my platform, completely cutting me off from my fanbase and having 3.5 years of my work destroyed in an instant from my banishment.

Who took my side? All the Christians i had disrespected, insulted, mocked, and ridiculed. They were the only ones who spoke the truth. They said, "He didn't do what you're accusing him of."

There's no real way I can apologize to the Christians on here that I attempted to lead into sin, nor is there a way I can ever even begin to make amends for a single shred of the times I debased and humiliated Christians.

The funny thing is that if anyone were to bring me down and make me suffer, it should have been Christians. I at least would have been getting payback. Maybe I could cope with it, because I'd know that the people harming me were only giving me what I deserved.

But no. It wasn't the Christians who made the last year of my life the most painful and dark of my entire existence. It wasn't the Christians who hurt me to the point I lost my way again and again and again. It was the people I associated with. It was the side I fought for.

And now that I'm sure Jesus Christ is the lord and savior, I cannot even bring myself to go to him because I am so ashamed and so undeserving of being saved and because I know that the weight of my sins is so heavy it's no longer even possible for me to make amends for it.

I can't even remember all the names. All the people I attacked and called subhuman just for being Christian. I can say for sure it was done out of hate and malice. It's probably what drives every militant atheist, who are every bit as evangelical as evangelicals only they lie to both themselves and others.

I lost so much. I lost my entire platform and all that I had that made me anyone who mattered. And none of it -- not even a bit -- was done to me at the hands of the Christians whom I hurt.

I am sorry to every Christian I trolled, lied to, hurt, insulted, or tried to persecute because of my own hatred. I don't even know if forgiveness is possible for someone like me. Especially because my hatred of the feminists who did this to me is stronger than my desire not to burn in hell for eternity.

They created post after post savaging me the way I savaged Christians, letting me really know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of far-left hatred. My name (Kevin Weinberg) is so smeared and tainted by lies and people calling me a "misogynist" and a "sexist" when none of it was ever true, that I might have to change it. I know now what it feels like to be on the receiving end of what I did daily to Christians for no good reason.

I guess the most I can do is hope that one day I can make things right to all the Christians I attacked, even though there were so many I can't remember their names.

Maybe then I will be able to ask Christ for forgiveness. I certainly don't deserve any right now.

 

[razzelflabben]

The very core of the Believers faith is rooted in forgiveness. It is a forgiveness that is pure, undefiled, offered in grace and Love. How amazing to know the depths of God's Love and forgiveness and to see it lived out in the lives of His people.

BTW, your story reminds me a bit of Paul. God is waiting with open arms and so are His people, who follow after Him, striving to Live out His example through the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit

 

[aiki]

Well, God doesn't accept you because you're good. He doesn't need you to be a "saint," or to have made amends for all your wrongdoing before He'll have anything to do with you. Instead, He tells us that He is the only One who can make us as He wants us to be. And for Him to do so, we must come - fouled by sin as we are - to the foot of the cross of Christ and by faith receive from him the gift of salvation and cleansing He offers to us. You see, the reality is that no one deserves God's forgiveness. "All our righteousness is as a filthy rag," God says. All of our righteousness is fouled and useless spiritually because it does not originate from the right source, which is Christ himself. The remedy for this situation, however, is simple:

Romans 10:9-13
9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
10 For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
11 For the Scripture says, "Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame."
12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him.
13 For "whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Selah.

 

[Parogar]

The very core of the Believers faith is rooted in forgiveness. It is a forgiveness that is pure, undefiled, offered in grace and Love. How amazing to know the depths of God's Love and forgiveness and to see it lived out in the lives of His people.

BTW, your story reminds me a bit of Paul. God is waiting with open arms and so are His people, who follow after Him, striving to Live out His example through the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit

I know he is in some part of me. I guess what's holding me back is my hatred. I want revenge. I want revenge so, so, so bad. These feminists, they took everything from me. I grew up a loser. I had no friends. No one believed in me. Then I discovered Wattpad. I gained a huge following. EVery day, people would tell me they loved me, that I was someone special: someone who mattered.

And just like that, after finally building myself up, I was BASHED back down. And I have so much evil hatred in me. I don't believe this website's rules permit me to even voice a fraction of the violent thoughts that I have towards the people who hurt me.

I tried talking to a shrink. Didn't help. Can Jesus make the hate go away? Can anyone? I've not been able to get back on my feet because I'm living every day now just for revenge.

 

[Parogar]

Well, God doesn't accept you because you're good. He doesn't need you to be a "saint," or to have made amends for all your wrongdoing before He'll have anything to do with you. Instead, He tells us that He is the only One who can make us as He wants us to be. And for Him to do so, we must come - fouled by sin as we are - to the foot of the cross of Christ and by faith receive from him the gift of salvation and cleansing He offers to us. You see, the reality is that no one deserves God's forgiveness. "All our righteousness is as a filthy rag," God says. All of our righteousness is fouled and useless spiritually because it does not originate from the right source, which is Christ himself. The remedy for this situation, however, is simple:

Romans 10:9-13
9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
10 For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
11 For the Scripture says, "Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame."
12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him.
13 For "whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Selah.

No one deserves? But what if my sins are more than yours? Or SO MUCH more? I've cursed God's name in the worst of ways.

 

[JerushaC]

We all are deserving of God's fury, but it is by his grace we are saved. No one deserves to go to heaven, yet the worst of the worst can receive God's grace if they repent and follow. Your story was very interesting. Remember, you are never beyond forgiveness.

 

[Parogar]

We all are deserving of God's fury, but it is by his grace we are saved. No one deserves to go to heaven, yet the worst of the worst can receive God's grace if they repent and follow. Your story was very interesting. Remember, you are never beyond forgiveness.

Thank you. I'll try. I keep messing up but I'll really try.
I have just one more question. Does the bible say anything about revenge? If I accept Christ, because of "eye for an eye" am I still free to go and pursue revenge against the people who wronged me? I want to make them suffer but I don't know enough about God to say if that is okay or not.

 

[JerushaC]

@Parogar
I'll leave you with this.

Romans 12:19
Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord."

God has shown you grace, so it is up to you to show that same type of grace. God is your revenger. Also, the Christians on here could of picked to take revenge on you, but they didn't.

 

[aiki]

Well, you see, you're using the wrong standard of comparison. We compare ourselves to one another and, generally, we don't come off too bad when we do. I mean, you and I aren't serial rapists, or pedophiles, or axe-murderers. We haven't murdered millions of people like Hitler, or Stalin did, right? We might be pretty lousy people but we aren't that bad.The problem is, God isn't using our standard of comparison. His perfect holy righteousness is His standard. And to that standard nobody measures up. So, we all of us have the same problem, no matter how righteously or evilly we may have lived. You may have cursed God's name more than I, but that doesn't leave me smelling like a rose. As far as God is concerned, the fact that I have never taken His name in vain doesn't qualify me for His good graces. I still fall incredibly short of His perfect standard. All of us need a Saviour. God knows it, I know it, and now you know it, too.

It is pride that makes us want to earn God's favor. But pride is the first casualty of walking with God. He tells us all that we are wicked sinners damned to hell - if we don't take hold of the life-line of cleansing and redemption He has cast out to us in Jesus Christ. That's pretty hard to swallow! Who likes to be told they are a wicked sinner going to hell? How dare God have such a rotten opinion of us! We aren't so bad, right?! But God stands unmoved by our protestations. He knows how wretched we really are and He points right at our sin and says, "There it is. I see it. It's foul, and horrid, and damnable. Do you see it? You must. It is only when you do, that I can take it from you." But to admit what God sees in us is actually there is so damaging to our pride! It hurts to admit He's right. On the far side of that admission, however, is joyful fellowship with God and a life of meaning and fulfillment. Will you take it?

Revelation 3:20
20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.

Selah.

 

[razzelflabben]

I know he is in some part of me. I guess what's holding me back is my hatred. I want revenge. I want revenge so, so, so bad. These feminists, they took everything from me. I grew up a loser. I had no friends. No one believed in me. Then I discovered Wattpad. I gained a huge following. EVery day, people would tell me they loved me, that I was someone special: someone who mattered.

And just like that, after finally building myself up, I was BASHED back down. And I have so much evil hatred in me. I don't believe this website's rules permit me to even voice a fraction of the violent thoughts that I have towards the people who hurt me.

I tried talking to a shrink. Didn't help. Can Jesus make the hate go away? Can anyone? I've not been able to get back on my feet because I'm living every day now just for revenge.

God will absolutely take that hatred away and put in it's place Love, I Cor. 13 Love if you allow Him to work in you and through you.

First step in learning to free yourself from hate is to come to a point in which you are willing to forgive. It doesn't matter at that point if you have forgiven, just allow yourself to desire to forgive. They took something from you, something that to you was precious and valuable. Something that anyone who is being honest with themselves can understand how you feel about it. But the truth that no one tells us, the truth that the world doesn't want us to know, is that they were lying from the beginning and every single affirmation that you were clinging to, was nothing more than lies dressed up to hide the real value that is hidden deep within you. As long as you hold onto your hatred, the real beauty that is you, the real value of who you are continues to be hidden even from you. The only way to reveal the treasure that you are, is to let go of the hate, let go of the sins that distort true beauty and allow God to cleanse you, to wash away all the lies that you have been taught to believe and begin to see with the righteous vision of the Lord of Lords, the King of Kings, the creator, who alone knows just how valuable and precious you are.

 

[razzelflabben]

No one deserves? But what if my sins are more than yours? Or SO MUCH more? I've cursed God's name in the worst of ways.

Take heart....Luke 7:47 Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; that's why she loved much. But the one who is forgiven little, loves little."

 

[razzelflabben]

Thank you. I'll try. I keep messing up but I'll really try.
I have just one more question. Does the bible say anything about revenge? If I accept Christ, because of "eye for an eye" am I still free to go and pursue revenge against the people who wronged me? I want to make them suffer but I don't know enough about God to say if that is okay or not.

Matthew 5:38-39; Romans 12:19 and others

 

[Parogar]

God will absolutely take that hatred away and put in it's place Love, I Cor. 13 Love if you allow Him to work in you and through you.

First step in learning to free yourself from hate is to come to a point in which you are willing to forgive. It doesn't matter at that point if you have forgiven, just allow yourself to desire to forgive. They took something from you, something that to you was precious and valuable. Something that anyone who is being honest with themselves can understand how you feel about it. But the truth that no one tells us, the truth that the world doesn't want us to know, is that they were lying from the beginning and every single affirmation that you were clinging to, was nothing more than lies dressed up to hide the real value that is hidden deep within you. As long as you hold onto your hatred, the real beauty that is you, the real value of who you are continues to be hidden even from you. The only way to reveal the treasure that you are, is to let go of the hate, let go of the sins that distort true beauty and allow God to cleanse you, to wash away all the lies that you have been taught to believe and begin to see with the righteous vision of the Lord of Lords, the King of Kings, the creator, who alone knows just how valuable and precious you are.

Thank you I really, really appreciate you and so many others taking the time to reply.

I know that there are no shortage of Chrisitans who've felt the sting of the same "type" of people I have. I'm genuinely baffled as to how you don't hate them. You'd think it would be easy to not hate. Like when people say "hatred is bad" you could just go, "Ohh, right, so I'll stop."

I think it takes work to not hate. And it's something I just can't do on my own. I'm hoping if I embrace God I can find some way of letting it go.

I really liked the quote above about God being the avenger. Maybe that's what happened to me. Christians had no need to take their revenge on me.

I'll try. I wish it were easier. Nothing is easy I guess. But they say God never gives us more than we can handle. At least I think that's a verse somewhere. If it's true, then I'll find a way.

 

[aiki]

Nothing is easy I guess. But they say God never gives us more than we can handle. At least I think that's a verse somewhere. If it's true, then I'll find a way.

Actually, God gives us more than we can handle quite often. He does this so we learn to depend upon Him rather than ourselves.

The way to be free of your hatred is to be submitted to God's will and way in your life. When your heart urges you toward hatred, in that moment consciously surrender to God's will and way, to His way of peace and love, and place yourself totally under His transforming power. Wait on Him to do in you what you cannot do for yourself.

Philippians 2:13
13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

Selah.

 

[GuyNad]

A year ago, I was a minor "internet celebrity."
I had about 50,000 fans on a website called Wattpad, I was a smug, extremely-far left liberal, and I had dedicated my entire life to my writing. I also came here frequently and trolled Christians but that's another thing entirely.

Essentially, I used my power to harm Christians. As a militant atheist, I had dedicated myself to attacking Christians, tearing their faith away, filling people with doubt, and leading them directly into sin.(...)

Maybe then I will be able to ask Christ for forgiveness. I certainly don't deserve any right now.

WOW...

That really is something. It reminds me of the story of Paul and how God has used him even after all he did.

 

[brinny]

NO ONE "deserves" God's grace or forgiveness, not me, you, or anyone posting here. What is true is that we ALL need it desperately.

As i was reading what you posted, i also thought of Paul, just like GuyNad mentioned.

Regarding forgiveness, yes that's heart-wrenchingly and excruciatingly difficult, if not impossible. What i found is that God can take rage and hurt and wanting revenge and channel it all into something i could not do in my own strength, and that is to "forgive".

He can turn those oooogly things that have happened to us and take those ash heaps of what surely seems like ruinations of hopes, dreams, and devastation, and raise beauty from those ashes.

Forgiveness is what i fiercely wrestled with God about. I just could not and would not. Yet, through His inexplicable grace, i was able to do something i could never have done. And that was to extend forgiveness, beginning with my mother.

 

[razzelflabben]

Thank you I really, really appreciate you and so many others taking the time to reply.

I know that there are no shortage of Chrisitans who've felt the sting of the same "type" of people I have. I'm genuinely baffled as to how you don't hate them. You'd think it would be easy to not hate. Like when people say "hatred is bad" you could just go, "Ohh, right, so I'll stop."

I think it takes work to not hate. And it's something I just can't do on my own. I'm hoping if I embrace God I can find some way of letting it go.

I really liked the quote above about God being the avenger. Maybe that's what happened to me. Christians had no need to take their revenge on me.

I'll try. I wish it were easier. Nothing is easy I guess. But they say God never gives us more than we can handle. At least I think that's a verse somewhere. If it's true, then I'll find a way.

are you beginning to study scripture on your own at all? Do you know how to study it? Since one of your huge problems right now is how to forgive your "enemies" let me suggest studying scripture on how we are to treat our enemies and why. Then, look at Galatians 5:22-23 the fruit of the Spirit and see how the Spirit makes it possible to do what man cannot do without God.

 

[graceandpeace]

A year ago, I was a minor "internet celebrity."
I had about 50,000 fans on a website called Wattpad, I was a smug, extremely-far left liberal, and I had dedicated my entire life to my writing. I also came here frequently and trolled Christians but that's another thing entirely.

Essentially, I used my power to harm Christians. As a militant atheist, I had dedicated myself to attacking Christians, tearing their faith away, filling people with doubt, and leading them directly into sin.

I became more and more conflicted as I did this. My forum history on here shows that well enough, often switching back and forth between seeker and militant atheist/troll.

But something happened to me along the way. One day, two far-left feminists made lies about me: complete, utter lies. The atheists/feminists/trolls I sided with stabbed me in the back and got me banned from my platform, completely cutting me off from my fanbase and having 3.5 years of my work destroyed in an instant from my banishment.

Who took my side? All the Christians i had disrespected, insulted, mocked, and ridiculed. They were the only ones who spoke the truth. They said, "He didn't do what you're accusing him of."

There's no real way I can apologize to the Christians on here that I attempted to lead into sin, nor is there a way I can ever even begin to make amends for a single shred of the times I debased and humiliated Christians.

The funny thing is that if anyone were to bring me down and make me suffer, it should have been Christians. I at least would have been getting payback. Maybe I could cope with it, because I'd know that the people harming me were only giving me what I deserved.

But no. It wasn't the Christians who made the last year of my life the most painful and dark of my entire existence. It wasn't the Christians who hurt me to the point I lost my way again and again and again. It was the people I associated with. It was the side I fought for.

And now that I'm sure Jesus Christ is the lord and savior, I cannot even bring myself to go to him because I am so ashamed and so undeserving of being saved and because I know that the weight of my sins is so heavy it's no longer even possible for me to make amends for it.

I can't even remember all the names. All the people I attacked and called subhuman just for being Christian. I can say for sure it was done out of hate and malice. It's probably what drives every militant atheist, who are every bit as evangelical as evangelicals only they lie to both themselves and others.

I lost so much. I lost my entire platform and all that I had that made me anyone who mattered. And none of it -- not even a bit -- was done to me at the hands of the Christians whom I hurt.

I am sorry to every Christian I trolled, lied to, hurt, insulted, or tried to persecute because of my own hatred. I don't even know if forgiveness is possible for someone like me. Especially because my hatred of the feminists who did this to me is stronger than my desire not to burn in hell for eternity.

They created post after post savaging me the way I savaged Christians, letting me really know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of far-left hatred. My name (Kevin Weinberg) is so smeared and tainted by lies and people calling me a "misogynist" and a "sexist" when none of it was ever true, that I might have to change it. I know now what it feels like to be on the receiving end of what I did daily to Christians for no good reason.

I guess the most I can do is hope that one day I can make things right to all the Christians I attacked, even though there were so many I can't remember their names.

Maybe then I will be able to ask Christ for forgiveness. I certainly don't deserve any right now.

Parogar,

The whole meaning of forgiveness is releasing someone from the anger or resentment incurred by an offense. Forgiveness doesn't mean what someone else did to offend is now okay, but it does mean the offense will not be held against them.

Christians believe that because God forgives us our offenses, we, too must forgive others. Like any human process, this can take time, but it should always be our aim. So, perhaps you may find an Internet means to seek a pardon from each individual you believe you hurt, but if that's not possible I would not worry. What matters now is that you're sorry for what you've done. Ask God to forgive you, & seek to be a peacemaker in your life.

If you feel a private seeking of forgiveness still leaves you in doubt, it may be helpful to seek out private or corporate confession with a priest. For example, I'm in the Episcopal Church. Every Sunday in our liturgy there is a time for the congregation to pray & seek forgiveness together, with the priest assuring us of God's forgiveness (absolution). Private one on-one confession with the priest is also available, though not required.

Let me know if I can be of further help or can answer any questions. Peace be with you.

 

[Soyeong]

A year ago, I was a minor "internet celebrity."
I had about 50,000 fans on a website called Wattpad, I was a smug, extremely-far left liberal, and I had dedicated my entire life to my writing. I also came here frequently and trolled Christians but that's another thing entirely.

Essentially, I used my power to harm Christians. As a militant atheist, I had dedicated myself to attacking Christians, tearing their faith away, filling people with doubt, and leading them directly into sin.

I became more and more conflicted as I did this. My forum history on here shows that well enough, often switching back and forth between seeker and militant atheist/troll.

But something happened to me along the way. One day, two far-left feminists made lies about me: complete, utter lies. The atheists/feminists/trolls I sided with stabbed me in the back and got me banned from my platform, completely cutting me off from my fanbase and having 3.5 years of my work destroyed in an instant from my banishment.

Who took my side? All the Christians i had disrespected, insulted, mocked, and ridiculed. They were the only ones who spoke the truth. They said, "He didn't do what you're accusing him of."

There's no real way I can apologize to the Christians on here that I attempted to lead into sin, nor is there a way I can ever even begin to make amends for a single shred of the times I debased and humiliated Christians.

The funny thing is that if anyone were to bring me down and make me suffer, it should have been Christians. I at least would have been getting payback. Maybe I could cope with it, because I'd know that the people harming me were only giving me what I deserved.

But no. It wasn't the Christians who made the last year of my life the most painful and dark of my entire existence. It wasn't the Christians who hurt me to the point I lost my way again and again and again. It was the people I associated with. It was the side I fought for.

And now that I'm sure Jesus Christ is the lord and savior, I cannot even bring myself to go to him because I am so ashamed and so undeserving of being saved and because I know that the weight of my sins is so heavy it's no longer even possible for me to make amends for it.

I can't even remember all the names. All the people I attacked and called subhuman just for being Christian. I can say for sure it was done out of hate and malice. It's probably what drives every militant atheist, who are every bit as evangelical as evangelicals only they lie to both themselves and others.

I lost so much. I lost my entire platform and all that I had that made me anyone who mattered. And none of it -- not even a bit -- was done to me at the hands of the Christians whom I hurt.

I am sorry to every Christian I trolled, lied to, hurt, insulted, or tried to persecute because of my own hatred. I don't even know if forgiveness is possible for someone like me. Especially because my hatred of the feminists who did this to me is stronger than my desire not to burn in hell for eternity.

They created post after post savaging me the way I savaged Christians, letting me really know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of far-left hatred. My name (Kevin Weinberg) is so smeared and tainted by lies and people calling me a "misogynist" and a "sexist" when none of it was ever true, that I might have to change it. I know now what it feels like to be on the receiving end of what I did daily to Christians for no good reason.

I guess the most I can do is hope that one day I can make things right to all the Christians I attacked, even though there were so many I can't remember their names.

Maybe then I will be able to ask Christ for forgiveness. I certainly don't deserve any right now.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Hemingway

At least you stopped short of rounding up Christians and persecuting them, like Paul did. There are others who have done far worse than you have who have been forgiven for far more than you have. It is because you know how much you've done and how much God has forgiven you for that you know how much God loves other people too and you are able to forgive others and show that same love to them. We love other because God first loved us and God loves those feminists just as much as He loves you.

 

[civilwarbuff]

If you want to feel forgivenness you must forgive...
"Forgive us our trepasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
Forgiving those that have hurt us is key.