Do I tell husband I kissed a guy over 3 years ago

[Dawn05]

I'm married to a lovely man and we have two children. About 3 years ago, me and my husband weren't getting along and I kissed another guy who I'd known for 20 years. I regretted it and spoke to a fellow Christian, repented and asked for God's forgiveness. I never told my husband, should I tell him now as it happened so long ago?

 

[All4Christ]

I'm married to a lovely man and we have two children. About 3 years ago, me and my husband weren't getting along and I kissed another guy who I'd known for 20 years. I regretted it and spoke to a fellow Christian, repented and asked for God's forgiveness. I never told my husband, should I tell him now as it happened so long ago?

I've never experienced this, so I can't answer from personal knowledge. That said, I don't feel like I can give you a good answer to this without knowing you, your husband and your situation. Do you have a pastor or priest at your church that you could approach about this?. Or perhaps a women's group leader?. While it may be awkward to discuss, I am sure they have heard much more awkward situations and will be able to give you an answer better suited for you and your husband's spiritual welfare.

I wish I could help more! Only other thing I would suggest is prayer for guidance.

 

[DZoolander]

Were you separated at the time you kissed this other guy - and do you still keep in contact with him?

 

[Darkhorse]

No - don't tell him.
Turn around, walk away from this guy, and keep walking. Don't look back.

 

[Odetta]

Is the point of telling him to make yourself feel better to have made the confession, or to make him feel better to hear of it and to fix something that's still going wrong in your marriage? I am assuming you learned your lesson and have repented, and I would hope that you have had no further dealings with this other man.

 

[All4Christ]

No - don't tell him.
Turn around, walk away from this guy, and keep walking. Don't look back.

I would tend to agree with this - but like the others said, definitely don't have any more dealings with the other man.

 

[Dave-W]

There are kisses, and then there are KISSES .....

 

[Avniel]

I think you should tell him its a bit unfair to continue with a relationship and he doesn't know the truth. I think he needs that option to deal with the infidelity.......it's going to be possibly be worse if someone else tells him.

 

[KimT]

Pray for guidance. I'm sorry you are faced with this situation but I'm very happy that it is in your past and your marriage is intact.

 

[Avniel]

Remember love is truth.

 

[ananda]

Are you trying to protect yourself, or him?

 

[Matthias Rose]

The fact that you are still thinking about this kiss three years later suggests that there would be benefit from being open with your husband about this. It's not so much that he needs to know, as that as long as you keep it to yourself you are keeping something of emotional importance closed to your partner. Yes, it *might* be a needless risk to share this with him. You don't know how he is going to respond (or maybe you do, and you are afraid of the response!).

But the fact is, anything that distances you from your partner emotionally is an invitation to more secrets and more distance.

I can tell you with 100% confidence that IF you tell him, and IF he responds with forgiveness and compassion, your relationship will be much stronger and more intimate and more beautiful. But that latter one is a big and scary IF, and there is no guarantee that he will respond that way. However, IF he does not respond with forgiveness and compassion, that suggests that there is already a deeper problem in the relationship, and this revelation may open the door to seeking out healing for that problem.

It's a conundrum, but at least consider this:

1. You tell him, he forgives you, you can both let it go and deepen your openness, honesty, and intimacy together. [-0/+100]
2. You tell him, he has a really hard time with it, you go to counselling and uncover deeper issues, deal with them, and your marriage grows in maturity towards full openness, honesty, and intimacy. [-50/+100]
3. You tell him, he really can't get over it and one or both of you aren't willing to do the work to heal that rift. You stay in the marriage, but now it's worse. [-100/-50]
4. You tell him, he can't really get over it. The marriage dissolves, and you are free to find a partner with whom you CAN be wholly open. [-100/+100]
5. You don't tell him. He doesn't have the opportunity to forgive you. You continue to fret about it. There continues to be an unnamed/unacknowledged distance between you. [-0/-50]

The scorings are for the immediate and long-term consequences of your choice. By my accounting, there is a strong chance of some short term pain, but MUCH more possibility of long term benefit by being fully open and honest with your husband. And note that even in scenario 3, staying in an unhappy situation is still an outcome over which you have further control!

Hope this helps.

 

[KimT]

The fact that you are still thinking about this kiss three years later suggests that there would be benefit from being open with your husband about this. It's not so much that he needs to know, as that as long as you keep it to yourself you are keeping something of emotional importance closed to your partner. Yes, it *might* be a needless risk to share this with him. You don't know how he is going to respond (or maybe you do, and you are afraid of the response!).

But the fact is, anything that distances you from your partner emotionally is an invitation to more secrets and more distance.

I can tell you with 100% confidence that IF you tell him, and IF he responds with forgiveness and compassion, your relationship will be much stronger and more intimate and more beautiful. But that latter one is a big and scary IF, and there is no guarantee that he will respond that way. However, IF he does not respond with forgiveness and compassion, that suggests that there is already a deeper problem in the relationship, and this revelation may open the door to seeking out healing for that problem.

It's a conundrum, but at least consider this:

1. You tell him, he forgives you, you can both let it go and deepen your openness, honesty, and intimacy together. [-0/+100]
2. You tell him, he has a really hard time with it, you go to counselling and uncover deeper issues, deal with them, and your marriage grows in maturity towards full openness, honesty, and intimacy. [-50/+100]
3. You tell him, he really can't get over it and one or both of you aren't willing to do the work to heal that rift. You stay in the marriage, but now it's worse. [-100/-50]
4. You tell him, he can't really get over it. The marriage dissolves, and you are free to find a partner with whom you CAN be wholly open. [-100/+100]
5. You don't tell him. He doesn't have the opportunity to forgive you. You continue to fret about it. There continues to be an unnamed/unacknowledged distance between you. [-0/-50]

The scorings are for the immediate and long-term consequences of your choice. By my accounting, there is a strong chance of some short term pain, but MUCH more possibility of long term benefit by being fully open and honest with your husband. And note that even in scenario 3, staying in an unhappy situation is still an outcome over which you have further control!

Hope this helps.

Do you really think #4 is an option. Breaking up a family? Remarrying...she might not consider this biblical? Just a thought.

 

[Matthias Rose]

Kim,

#4 might not be an options that the OP would choose -- of course one or both of them might consider it unbiblical. She can modify her risk assessment accordingly. But it certainly is a theoretical possibility. Seems crazy to me: break a marriage over a wayward kiss? But I'm not the insanely jealous type, and I would be remiss in not considering worst-case possibilities.

 

[KimT]

Forget "risk assessment." She needs to do what her heart, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, is telling her. I'm a CPA/MBA......risk assessment shouldn't be applied to a Christian walk. Just my two cents. Please don't take offense.

 

[Matthias Rose]

If she was listening to her heart, guided by the holy spirit, and there was a clear cut answer, she would not be asking complete strangers on the internet for advice! I believe that rational thought can help create the clarity within which the voice of the holy spirit can enter.

For example, a lot of time when I do this kind of thinking for myself, the rational view draws me to answer X, and in praying about answer X I discover that answer Y is really the right answer.

Setting risk assessment methodologies aside, do you have a problem with my conclusion that she should be open and honest with her husband? Or do you think our only advice to her should be "pray for your own guidance."

I'm actually cool with that, too, it's just not a very interesting forum thread. We could cut and paste that answer to every question here!

 

[mindlight]

I would forgive a repentant wife and I would want to know the truth. Having the "why it happened" conversation would help deepen the marriage against this background. But I am not your husband.

 

[KimT]

If it were me, I would pray for guidance until it was confirmed that I was to tell my husband. Then I would pray for him, that he would receive it with love and compassion. It's very hard for me to give advice to someone I don't know, especially since I don't know her husband. In the world, the situation is called "lying by omission."

As far as my experience goes, if something is on my mind for an extended period of time, it usually means that I have to take action on it.

 

[bluegreysky]

Honestly, I know people are going to think Im terrible but... no I don't think it's neccessary to tell him that unless it directly effects him. Like, if you got mouth-herpes from the kiss and now you have sores on your lip and your husband could get them from you... but it happened in the past, you feel ashamed and know it was wrong and wouldn't repeat it now... why should you bring it up?

 

[Avniel]

Do you really think #4 is an option. Breaking up a family? Remarrying...she might not consider this biblical? Just a thought.

She cheated on him I don't think she has a right to decide that.