Infertility: Unhelpful Comments

[rivulet]

My husband and I have been married 5 years and have been trying to get pregnant for just about as long.

I just wanted to post some things you shouldn't say to an infertile couple. What you don't know, is they've cried over these issues and what people say is hurtful (even if you're trying to be helpful). .

(1) "Just keep trying..."
Thank you, yes, we weren't going to STOP trying...

(2) "I know this couple who was infertile and..."
I know this sounds like an encouraging thing to say, but it isn't. We are not like every miracle story. We don't care that these other people had kids. WE are telling you something deeply personal about US and WE don't want to hear about someone else.

(3) "There's always adoption..."
We are well aware of adoption, and while we might not admit it to anyone one else, but the truth is, we want our own baby! So, this is a completely unhelpful comment. And the option to adopt doesn't take the pain away from us wanting to have your own kids and being unable to do so.

(4) "How long have you been off birth control..."
I know this might not be the case for every infertile couple but I have never taken birth control and we have never used contraception. When people say this to me, it makes me feel like they think I'm stupid: as if I don't know how birth control works.

(5) "Have you tried in vitro..."
I hear this a lot. In vitro may be an option one day but it is very expensive and not covered by most insurances. Additionally, there is only a 39% success rate with IVF. So, in vitro is just not the answer. Obviously, we know the person who says this is trying to be helpful but if we had successful in vitro, I'd be holding my baby right now, wouldn't I.

(6) "You're sill young, you have many years left to have a baby..."
Okay, does being young mean we can't be infertile. Time is ticking, and I don't need a reminder that the longer it takes us to figure this out, the less likelihood there is of actually getting pregnant.

(7) "Maybe you aren't meant to have kids..."
This is so INCREDIBLY hurtful. My own mother a different sisters have said it. I can't even rationalize this, just don't ever say it.

 

[OliviaMay]

People often make thoughtless comments about subjects that don't effect them. Venting helps.

 

[RC1970]

You have pretty much ruled out anything that anyone might say to someone concerning this subject.

It might be easier to just advise people to make sure they know the sensitivity level of the person they are talking to before offering advice.

Of course, that would be difficult to do on a forum such as this.

 

[Cloture]

Do you have any positive suggestions on what people should say? As Christus Discipulus above me mentioned, pretty much the only thing left to say is, "um, yeah, good luck with that..."

 

[Catherineanne]

.

 

[rivulet]

You have pretty much ruled out anything that anyone might say to someone concerning this subject.

It might be easier to just advise people to make sure they know the sensitivity level of the person they are talking to before offering advice.

Of course, that would be difficult to do on a forum such as this.

Do you have any positive suggestions on what people should say? As Christus Discipulus above me mentioned, pretty much the only thing left to say is, "um, yeah, good luck with that..."

Sure, you're right. I haven't posted anything about what should be said.

A statement of prayer and support,
"we'll be praying for you."
"Let me know if you ever need to talk."
"If you feel comfortable, Keep me updated."

We understand that God is the giver of life, so please beseech him on our behalf. We're weary and feel that we can turn to no one for a supportive gesture like a hug.

 

[RC1970]

Sure, you're right. I haven't posted anything about what should be said.

A statement of prayer and support,
"we'll be praying for you."
"Let me know if you ever need to talk."
"If you feel comfortable, Keep me updated."

We understand that God is the giver of life, so please beseech him on our behalf. We're weary and feel that we can turn to no one for a supportive gesture like a hug.

I have prayed for you, and I have asked that God would either grant your request or that He would show you His will concerning this issue.

Please remember that no matter what happens, God is not a disinterested observer in your life. His will for you is altogether perfect.

 

[Shane R]

I can empathize with you. My first wife was infertile. She was able to become pregnant twice but she could not carry the child. She asked me to get tested, so I went to the doctor and the results, frankly, affirmed that I was a thoroughbred. That really made her feel bad because then she felt that she was the problem.

She later admitted to me that this issue was part of what caused her to experiment with lesbianism. She figured if she couldn't have children she might as well go gay. She said she wanted to set me free to find a woman that could give me children. There were other issues and we are divorced. I now have a daughter with my second wife.

Moral of the story: my prayer is that this issue does not cause turmoil and dysfunction in your marriage.

 

[rivulet]

I have prayed for you, and I have asked that God would either grant your request or that He would show you His will concerning this issue.

Please remember that no matter what happens, God is not a disinterested observer in your life. His will for you is altogether perfect.

Thank you. It means a lot to me.

I can empathize with you. My first wife was infertile. She was able to become pregnant twice but she could not carry the child. She asked me to get tested, so I went to the doctor and the results, frankly, affirmed that I was a thoroughbred. That really made her feel bad because then she felt that she was the problem.

She later admitted to me that this issue was part of what caused her to experiment with lesbianism. She figured if she couldn't have children she might as well go gay. She said she wanted to set me free to find a woman that could give me children. There were other issues and we are divorced. I now have a daughter with my second wife.

Moral of the story: my prayer is that this issue does not cause turmoil and dysfunction in your marriage.

Wow. That is an incredibly sad story. I won't say anything like that CAN'T happen to us but I don't think we have that much disregard for each other's feelings.

It feels like I'm dirty though; as if there is something wrong with me and everyone can see it because I haven't given my husband a child (or our parents grandchildren). I've always wanted be a mother and it feels horrible that I can't. Same goes for my husband wanting to be a father.

 

[Cloture]

It feels like I'm dirty though; as if there is something wrong with me and everyone can see it because I haven't given my husband a child (or our parents grandchildren). I've always wanted be a mother and it feels horrible that I can't. Same goes for my husband wanting to be a father.

From one childless marriage to another, let me just say this is a very toxic way of thinking.

I don't want to step on any land mines and offend you, so I will offer no more.

 

[rivulet]

From one childless marriage to another, let me just say this is a very toxic way of thinking.

I don't want to step on any land mines and offend you, so I will offer no more.

Of course it's toxic thinking. I am just being honest.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Childless not by choice here too...we tried and endured losses. We fostered and had one adoption fall through. If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to slap someone over something insensitive, i'd be a millionaire and then some.

The best advice I can give someone who knows someone dealing with infertility is to just SHUT UP...there's limits to what we would be willing to try, and believe me, we've thought of all sorts of things. Don't feel obligated to give someone your medical history...and if necessary, either change the subject or walk away.

 

[Cloture]

How can you witness or minister to a need by shutting up? I am truly curious.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

How can you witness or minister to a need by shutting up? I am truly curious.

Let the other person talk, IF THEY WANT TO...don't ask questions. Don't say stupid things.

 

[Cloture]

S

 

[Cloture]

An interesting side note in this discussion is that I mentioned having a childless marriage of my own and no one thought to ask what I wanted. I would never want to offend another woman, but at the same time, there is no Congress of childless women to speak for all of us.

I went through that for years. Fertility specialists, experimental medication, prayer in my bedroom with hubby. He went through a grieving stage.

I won't bore you with the rest since you don't want to hear it. I just wanted to level the field.

You are right that people should not offer shallow cliches or useless advice. But IMO it is terrible advice to tell people to stay quiet and watch a marriage crumble into divorce. Stories like shanethetheologian are very common. When outsiders see a woman self-destruct like that, the solution is not always to cripple them by saying they're not allowed to speak.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I never said the woman with the problems should shut up...the "well meaning friends" should shut up with their unhelpful advice. Don't tell me "I'll pray for you", don't ask me if I've seen this specialist or thought of IVF or adoption or whatever...yes, they were ALL considered. I got asked if I had thought of surrogacy/gestational carrier. When we lost our one that I carried the furthest, I got told that it was "God's will"...ummm...yeah...delivering a fully formed baby 3 weeks before she had a chance was "God's will"...umm...that comment nearly earned me a jail sentence.

Some marriages crumble, some don't. Mine had other issues...but...anyway. A friend just divorced, 4 years after they lost their first child and had a healthy son a year later.

 

[rivulet]

How can you witness or minister to a need by shutting up? I am truly curious.

Honestly, all I want is for my friends and family to support me without minimizing my pain as "not that big of a deal" when it is a HUGE deal to me.

 

[Cloture]

rivulet, I completely understand and think that is a fair request.

There is nothing else I can say here without getting yelled at, so I will leave you in peace.

 

[Avniel]

I'm so glad my grandfather taught me this phrase "I will pray for you." Most people talk as a way of venting, when it's a personal issue just say "I will be praying for you" after that you want my opinion another step is needed.

Best phrase in the world "I will pray for you."