Infertility: Unhelpful Comments

DZoolander

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I can sympathize with you. We had a lot of the same types of things happen within our marriage/when we were trying to have kids.

My mom passed in 2006 - the same year we got married. Truthfully - since we knew we were going to get married - and knew my mom was really sick - we decided to start trying to have our first child prior to getting married. We had a definitive date set for our marriage - but weren't sure how long my mom was going to last - so we figured taking a shot at giving my mom a glimpse of her only grandchild was worth the overlap.

We started trying in 2005...and our first born wasn't born until 2010. We tried for four years - to no avail - and we heard all the same types of stuff that you're talking about (and no - it wasn't helpful).

The more wretched thing I ever heard, though, was said to a friend of ours who was also having difficulty conceiving. They had been trying to conceive for something like 5-6 years at that point...and one day we were over there with their parents. Our friend's mother in law said to her...

"You know what's soooooo funny? We were just talking the other day about how you two are like the story of Sarah and Abraham, you know, and we were joking how your husband should just go take a younger wife or concubine! ha ha ha ha ha, isn't that funny?"

*that* was the most wretched thing I've ever heard anyone say. My wife and I still shake our heads in disbelief over that 5-6 years later.

So, know what you mean. :(
 
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Cloture

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*that* was the most wretched thing I've ever heard anyone say. My wife and I still shake our heads in disbelief over that 5-6 years later.

Several years ago, I made the mistake of befriending a woman who was real trouble on wheels. I mean she was like a drama factory. She also called herself a Christian, so apparently I thought she was safe, and we started hanging out. When that friendship ultimately ended, she wanted revenge. She sent my husband a PM on Facebook, totally out of the blue, giving him "loving advice" from a "concerned sister" who just wanted to help him. She told him I'd never had a baby because I was too vain about my figure -- I'd chosen to be skinny at all cost and put that above the eternal decision of having a child. She told him if he ever wanted children, it was his job to feed me chocolate and get some meat on my bones.

I suffered ovarian failure from physical trauma in my early 20s. My husband lost half of his sperm production in emergency surgery in his early 20s. We are two peas in a pod when it comes to the fertility department. This woman didn't know any of that, so she invented her own theory and lobbed it toward us to see what would happen.

Stuff like that causes people to shut down and not talk about their medical problems at all. Sufferers don't want to discuss what's going wrong, and well-meaning Christians don't want to offend, so no one talks about anything and the church becomes a social club.
 
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brinny

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Sure, you're right. I haven't posted anything about what should be said.

A statement of prayer and support,
"we'll be praying for you."
"Let me know if you ever need to talk."
"If you feel comfortable, Keep me updated."

We understand that God is the giver of life, so please beseech him on our behalf. We're weary and feel that we can turn to no one for a supportive gesture like a hug.

Bless yer hearts, praying (((hug)))
 
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DZoolander

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It's weird how these types of things become so divisive.

For instance - the couple that we were friends with where the mother in law said that nasty thing. In a weird sort of way - our friendship with them came to a screeching halt once we got pregnant with our first. It was like the frustration of having difficulty conceiving became the glue/common point of our friendship. Once my wife got pregnant - they slowly stopped coming around - until finally by the time she was giving birth they just disappeared.

We finally caught up with them (weirdly enough) a couple of weeks ago. They contacted us out of the blue - so we invited them over. We hadn't spoken with them in quite some time - so when they showed up they were surprised to discover that we now have two kids (the second one now being 11 months old).

They told us they were doing IVF - and that seemed the main point of conversation over dinner/our visit. It'll be interesting to see how long it is until they contact us again.
 
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coloradoguy

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My wife is infertile, she's known she was a teenager that she will more than likely never become pregnant. She is fairly open about it, and it was something I've been aware about even before we got engaged. We have agreed upon that we are going to adopt. The one we hate the most, and I don't see it mentioned yet it "Children are a blessing."

I remember when we just moved here to Denver and were church shopping, this elderly couple invited us out to lunch. We never turn down free so we agreed, but "there's no such thing as a free lunch." Anyway, they were a nice couple and apparently do this as a courtesy to new couples looking at the church, and eventually they just kind of casually asked "How many kids do you guys want to have? Children are such a blessing from God." Internally we were screaming, but I calmly replied "3, two boys and a girl."
 
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mkgal1

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Children are such a blessing from God

I just read a blog the other day where the author had mentioned how that phrase had hurt her for years (she also struggled with infertility). She finally came to the realization that although it *can* be said that "children are a blessing from God"....that doesn't mean it's the *only* blessing He provides or *the* blessing to a married couple.
 
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Tropical Wilds

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I struggled with infertility for years. I had numerous losses. I dealt with painful fertility treatments and ran up thousands in debt. It slowly but surely led to my husband at the time and I drifting apart. And I agree, those are all obnoxious comments that people should keep to themselves. Most of the time they say it out of ignorance and not knowing what to say.

I think the worst was in 2009, when I suffered a gut wrenching miscarriage with my now husband and, to help myself cope, I bought a mother's ring with gemstones with my birthstone, my husband's stone and the stone of our daughter. One day, a stranger spotted it and said it was pretty and asked if it was a mother's ring and I said it was. She asked which stones were what, so I said X stone was mine, Y stone was my husband's, and Z stone was our daughters. Then the lady asked how hold she was and I said "I miscarried her at XX weeks." The lady said "well, if she's not born then it's not really a mother's ring, is it? The thought is nice I guess, but it doesn't really make you a mother, does it? Now my kids, blah blah blah..."

I could have punched her.

After far too long listening such dumb things like the OP shared with a polite smile, I finally just took it upon myself to embarass people as much as they embarassed me. After one or two polite subject changes zipped over their head, I'd say things like "we'll we try relaxing, so my husband gives me massages that lead to you-know-what, and then I told him I had to stop being on top, but he says..."

That goes a long way to shut down 99% of the stupidity.
 
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rivulet

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The one we hate the most, and I don't see it mentioned yet it "Children are a blessing."

No one has ever said this to us but I can see how it would be bothersome.

A similar thing happened to us with our neighbors. They found out how long we've been married and said, "You've l had your fun for 5 years. It's time for you two to start having children." it bothered me a lot and I can't even tell you why. But I just smiled and said, "I heard that can be fun too..."
 
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Niffer

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I think I'm not nearly as patient as many of you.
When we were trying, it took a while...I just didn't tell anyone.
I think just my one sister - not even my mother knew we were trying and when she'd all out ask, I'd straight up lie and say "no".
I didn't want people asking, or nosing or poking...it would make me miserable and angry.
I confided in my sister and an online support group, and thats pretty much it.
I've seen my mother say some of those insensitive things to my SIL, who is trying with my brother for their first. However she has PCOS, so it's very difficult.
I had to pull Mum aside and tell her that her comments could be hurtful and to just not talk children with SIL.
I /think/ she understood. :/
 
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LinkH

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I think the worst was in 2009, when I suffered a gut wrenching miscarriage with my now husband and, to help myself cope, I bought a mother's ring with gemstones with my birthstone, my husband's stone and the stone of our daughter. One day, a stranger spotted it and said it was pretty and asked if it was a mother's ring and I said it was. She asked which stones were what, so I said X stone was mine, Y stone was my husband's, and Z stone was our daughters. Then the lady asked how hold she was and I said "I miscarried her at XX weeks." The lady said "well, if she's not born then it's not really a mother's ring, is it? The thought is nice I guess, but it doesn't really make you a mother, does it? Now my kids, blah blah blah..."

I could have punched her.

Just reading the story makes me angry. Maybe you should have responded with an indignant 'how dare you' type response. She might feel terrible about it if you'd have confronted her. But some people like that seem to have no sense of shame.
 
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LinkH

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It's weird how these types of things become so divisive.

For instance - the couple that we were friends with where the mother in law said that nasty thing. In a weird sort of way - our friendship with them came to a screeching halt once we got pregnant with our first. It was like the frustration of having difficulty conceiving became the glue/common point of our friendship. Once my wife got pregnant - they slowly stopped coming around - until finally by the time she was giving birth they just disappeared.

We finally caught up with them (weirdly enough) a couple of weeks ago. They contacted us out of the blue - so we invited them over. We hadn't spoken with them in quite some time - so when they showed up they were surprised to discover that we now have two kids (the second one now being 11 months old).

They told us they were doing IVF - and that seemed the main point of conversation over dinner/our visit. It'll be interesting to see how long it is until they contact us again.

Maybe they were either jealous of the pregnancy or just found it painful to be around expecting couples because they wanted a baby.
 
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rivulet

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"well, if she's not born then it's not really a mother's ring, is it? The thought is nice I guess, but it doesn't really make you a mother, does it? Now my kids, blah blah blah..."

What a horrible thing to say to someone! Gee.

A friend of mine was just telling me that she miscarried her fourth child and she was saying, "it wasn't the right time.. And we really shouldn't be having more children..." and I had to stop her and just say, "You don't need to minimize your pain." I know she doesn't truly believe her life is better having had a miscarriage.
 
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Niffer

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What a horrible thing to say to someone! Gee.

A friend of mine was just telling me that she miscarried her fourth child and she was saying, "it wasn't the right time.. And we really shouldn't be having more children..." and I had to stop her and just say, "You don't need to minimize your pain." I know she doesn't truly believe her life is better having had a miscarriage.

Thats crazy, I had a friend basically say the same thing.
Except she prefaced it with: "I know its just a clump of cells at this point..." she was miscarrying at 10 weeks.
It made me sad that she felt she needed to apologize for having sadness over miscarrying what, by societies standards isn't even a baby yet.
I told her I was very sorry and that it was a legitimate loss - she didn't need to qualify it. :(
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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I'm not sure why others always feel the need to say things to a couple who do not have a kid yet. Making what they consider "cute" lines like "I can't wait to see the babies you two have!" or the infamous question of asking if your wifes pregnant. I mean thats just insulting since if your wrong your essentially calling her fat. And social media doesn't help when you can see mother after mother announcing their pregnant, posting pics of their newborn...etc. It just gets on the nerves of other who can't get pregnant or don't want a child yet. Actually our sermon was about "In Gods time". It was talking about Abraham and Sarah and how they were hoping to fufill Gods promise by having Abraham get the slave pregnant. We tend to want things right away instead of holding out hope that blessings will come in Gods time.

BTW thats just a general statement about things, not towards the creator of this topic since obviously you are having issues outside your control right now. Just hang in there and don't let people bug you. Worse comes to worse tell people nicely to not bring up such comments because your going through enough as it is. Personally my wife and I want a child (though she thinks shes not able to get pregnant) when the time is right. But people are always making comments and it is aggravating. My feeling is I never will say something to a couple without kids because I don't want to offend them if there is something going on like infertility issues.
 
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Mikaeri

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I can relate to how you feel..for myself I'm in my 50s and never had my own child, no need as to why, circumstances..I have lied to friends and relationships that I have kids due to my inability to cope with being childless..feeling less of a man not able do the job has caused so much problems.

This time round I have a new Relationship, everythings on the table, my fiancee knows I have lied in past relationships, do not have my own kids..have not been tested.... there is a chance that I maybe able to give her a child as their is medication to assist with those personal issues that men have..
For the first time in my life I feel a sense of worth as a man and freedom. with a woman that is aware of the facts and willing to work to get what we both would like..with Gods help and prayer..
 
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rivulet

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.. feeling less of a man not able do the job has caused so much problems.

It does feel a bit dehumanizing. It does feel good to know that I'm not alone in feeling like less of a person. And clearly, there are many people here on CF who understand the pain of being childless.
 
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joshua 1 9

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What? Really?
I was infertile until 35 and then I got two miscarriages, but I never got one insensible comment. That's insane. I felt so guilty when I had a miscarriage. We had morning prayer every day and one sweet man kept praying with me for 3 weeks that he would be raised from the dead. It was useless of course, but I'll never forget that.
Miscarriage is different, those are children that will be waiting for you in Heaven.
 
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