Infertility: Unhelpful Comments

Tinkerbells

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I'm so glad my grandfather taught me this phrase "I will pray for you." Most people talk as a way of venting, when it's a personal issue just say "I will be praying for you" after that you want my opinion another step is needed.

Best phrase in the world "I will pray for you."

"I will pray for you" upsets me when I hear it from someone who I don’t believe is genuine. It only is good when you know someone means it. Otherwise, it comes off as superficial and dismissive.:(
 
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Tinkerbells

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People can't answer you prayers only He can, and in his time , if he does it will be on his terms not yours.
1 Sa 1, 1 kings 13

Not sure if this was referring to me, but if it is I want to clarify that no human can answer your prayers. Only God can according to His will. I was merely saying that some people will tell you that they’ll pray for you, but sometimes have no intention of doing so.
 
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Cloture

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I kind of regret posting this thread.

You certainly should not regret this! It is a very instructive thread that offers rich insight on the Body of Christ.

Threads like this bring to the surface exactly why most Christians don't bother witnessing or ministering to their friends in a meaningful way. Everyone's pain is a minefield of offense, so most of the time you get blown up before you reach the castle. The result is that most Christians, havijg been blown up enough times in enough fields, will just shut down, either clamming up or offering a vague cliche when pressed.

Childless marriages are not the only field where this happens.

Learn from this thread what you can, and see where you might make a positive difference by seeing someone else's pain over a different dream, and maybe offering to them something more than an empty comment about waiting.

Positive can come from anything, even this thread. :groupray:
 
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Messy

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(2) "I know this couple who was infertile and..."
I know this sounds like an encouraging thing to say, but it isn't. We are not like every miracle story. We don't care that these other people had kids. WE are telling you something deeply personal about US and WE don't want to hear about someone else.
So you shouldn't say that to you. Okay, but that isn't true for all invertile couples.
 
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Cloture

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So you shouldn't say that to you. Okay, but that isn't true for all invertile couples.

This detail really comes down to finesse. For example....

-- We've been trying to get pregnant, but so far no progress.
-- My cousin had to try for 6 years. It eventually happened for her. This takes time. You'll be all right.

OR...

-- We've been trying to get pregnant, but so far no progress.
-- Oh gosh, I know that sucks. Where are you in treatment? Do the doctors have any answers?
-- My doctor believes I have (insert some condition). I'm about to start treatment for it.
-- Well, the good news is, if that is indeed the issue, I've witnessed women recover from that very nicely. How about we pray together that God will move through your doctor's hands and resolve this quickly?


One method is empirically superior to the other. I think rivulet's primary reason for starting this thread is that she gets a lot of the first one and not much of the second one.
 
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rivulet

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I think the point is now that both of you are very bitter at God because man and his science has failed you.

I'm certainly not bitter at God: I don't appreciate the assumption. The points I posted ARE NOT HELPFUL even though people think they are. I'm just giving you a heads up before you meet someone who is infertile and say one of these things. Just because I feel sad about not being able to have a baby doesn't mean I'm bitter.

Clearly you think us NOT wanting to hear these things is our fault. Perhaps you should be more sensitive to us - my pain is real, I don't need to be belittled by you.
 
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Cloture

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I don't think it has to be a binary choice. It's not a matter of choosing between "bitter" or "totally over it." There are shades in between. But, with the shades of pain come shades of receiving help from others. If a person becomes so angry that they announce themselves absolved of ever having to listen to criticism, it will hurt their spiritual walk.
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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Whether your don't want kids are just can't conceive... most people respond without thinking really. Its usually easy for someone else to make an assumption or to say something crass if they haven't been there. Sadly even amongst christians. What people say on here they have to answer for one day. I'm not saying what they are saying is right or wrong (as I don't want any fuel going into this fire) but I will say I know what it likes when you stumble upon a VERY hard trial and your just fed up with everything and feel like nothing is going right. In my case I had to give everything up to God eventually because I was becoming less and less of a nice christian during my trial. I'm sure you tried things like lining up monthly cycles for best time to conceive and all that stuff.

I will say sometimes what we dream of may not be part of Gods plans. Sometimes they may be part of the plan. In other cases the plan may be held up because God is trying to teach us something first. Best thing I can do (really the only thing of course) is say your in our prayers. Don't give up. :)
 
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Sheagle

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Hi Rivulet,

I can only say I understand how you feel - my husband and I are in a similar situation, only I lost the only baby we've ever been able to conceive last April. I am continually dismayed by the insensitive things people say. Now that we lost a baby I get even more insensitive things said to me, blaming me for what happened and so on.

I guess it is important for us to make sure as much as we can that our marriages remain strong - we know it is a trial for our relationship with our husband, and it is a trial for ourselves because of the thoughts of worthlessness and so on that may come because we have not been able to bear a child.

So I'll say to you what I like people to say to me -
I'll pray for you right now.
God hears every prayer you pray, he sees all your tears and he understands your heart. He is by your side through everything you are going through.

God bless you.
 
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Messy

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Hi Rivulet,

I can only say I understand how you feel - my husband and I are in a similar situation, only I lost the only baby we've ever been able to conceive last April. I am continually dismayed by the insensitive things people say. Now that we lost a baby I get even more insensitive things said to me, blaming me for what happened and so on.
.
What? Really?
I was infertile until 35 and then I got two miscarriages, but I never got one insensible comment. That's insane. I felt so guilty when I had a miscarriage. We had morning prayer every day and one sweet man kept praying with me for 3 weeks that he would be raised from the dead. It was useless of course, but I'll never forget that.
 
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My husband and I are trying to adopt an older child and we'd also like to have one of our own. I get people giving me all of these comments from the original post. My husband's brother is in the navy so they were able to get the military to pay for much of their IVF - they also live free with my husband's parents. We don't have that kind of money!
 
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bluegreysky

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Hi Rivulet,

I'm sorry you're going through that.
While I can't relate with the particluar problem (because we haven't tried)
I CAN relate very much with the "I feel like something's wrong with me and I'm a failure" thing.
You might ask yourself "why can't I have babies?"
and other women around you might be asking the same kind of question,
but about something else very dear to them.
"Why can't I have a husband?"
"Why can't I keep a relationship?"
"Why can't I find a job?"
"Why can't I heal from my cancer?"
Many of us have something that's amiss, a hole in our heart and in our lives,
that we feel inadequate because of.
Especially when we are standing juxtaposed to lots of other women
who have whatever it is.
For me, until a year ago,
it was marriage.
All through college I dated the wrong men.
They hurt me, used me, left me to bleed out (figuratively).
Meanwhile, a girl younger than me came along to my school and church
and got a "perfect" man within a few months of being here,
paraded their perfect life around everywhere,
and really rubbed it in my face that I was ... broken.
Then I met my hubby.
But we still had to be together off and on for 5 years before the wedding
because HE was broken.
She had already been married for a few years and had a sickeningly sweet
facebook profile full of thousands of happy photos,
and she was pregnant with baby #2 by the time we got married.
But God gave me a hubby in HIS timing and all that hurt didn't matter anymore.
And she moved away.
Now, it's my stagnant function in the workforce.
I've been "just a teller" for nearly 4 years,
while other tellers come and go because they get promoted.
I didn't use the college degree my parents paid for.
I feel like a moneypit.
I don't know what God is trying to prove there,
but I can relate with feeling broken because I can't seem to
go anywhere in my career.
Maybe it's not as intense or sentimental as wanting a baby,
but it's definitely been grounds for many tears, angry outbursts
and days of feeling sorry for myself.

A few months ago, a woman from my church posted this link to this blog:
http://natashametzler.com/but-why-does-she-get-babies/
It's not hers, she found it and liked it because she had infertility for many years
before finally having her 2 boys a little later in life.
I saw it on the news feed, read it, and remembered it.
Even though I haven't concerned myself too much with having a baby,
I appreciated this author's point... this sobering reminder "what it's all about"

"My business is simple: To follow Him.
And your question, friend? Jesus answers yours as well.
Why does she get a husband who actually works at their marriage? Why does she have a husband who is faithful? Why does she get a husband at all?
Why does she get a job that she loves? Why does she get to stay home? Why does she have extra spending money?
Why does she have extended family that helps her? Why does she have a mother who cares?
Why does she have good health? Why… Why…
“What’s that to you?” He says, “You follow Me.”


following christ takes guts and faith but I was glad they reminded me
because when I think about my unanswered questions,
I just feel anger.
I forget.
Not saying you forget, but I liked that this advice was spot-on.
 
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snoopy500

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MOD HAT ON
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Thread has undergone clean-up due too goading & off topic. Please refer too the opening post for thread topic and as well refer too the CF rules here. Thank you.
MOD HAT OFF
 
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OliviaMay

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You certainly should not regret this! It is a very instructive thread that offers rich insight on the Body of Christ.

Threads like this bring to the surface exactly why most Christians don't bother witnessing or ministering to their friends in a meaningful way. Everyone's pain is a minefield of offense, so most of the time you get blown up before you reach the castle. The result is that most Christians, havijg been blown up enough times in enough fields, will just shut down, either clamming up or offering a vague cliche when pressed.

Childless marriages are not the only field where this happens.

Learn from this thread what you can, and see where you might make a positive difference by seeing someone else's pain over a different dream, and maybe offering to them something more than an empty comment about waiting.

Positive can come from anything, even this thread. :groupray:

The problem many Christians fall into is lack of true empathy. They are dismissive. Oh if God wants you to have a baby he will give you one. Or if your faith is strong enough you will be healed. It puts the person who doesn't get a magic solution at fault. The constant magic magic magic solution to everything is the issue.

The head in the clouds attitude is hurtful. You must listen to others, understand their situation to help. Not just spout platitudes and canned answers.
 
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Messy

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The problem many Christians fall into is lack of true empathy. They are dismissive. Oh if God wants you to have a baby he will give you one. Or if your faith is strong enough you will be healed. It puts the person who doesn't get a magic solution at fault. The constant magic magic magic solution to everything is the issue.

The head in the clouds attitude is hurtful. You must listen to others, understand their situation to help. Not just spout platitudes and canned answers.
It's not magic if God heals someone, that's called a miracle. But nowadays Christians get offended if you say God healed you or wants to heal them, so better just shut up about that. For me, since I look for a practical solution to help someone and show my empathy there's not much left to do.
 
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OliviaMay

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It's not magic if God heals someone, that's called a miracle. But nowadays Christians get offended if you say God healed you or wants to heal them, so better just shut up about that. For me, since I look for a practical solution to help someone and show my empathy there's not much left to do.

So many people just don't get miracles, and those that claim them well..... It isn't honestly helpful. Listen and show empathy and support. That is all we can do. Putting people on the spot by saying if you truly believe God will heal you is not kind. For the reality is that it just doesn't work like that.
 
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