Greetings CF,
Please read all of this, or none of it.
Well, I think it's safe to say, I poke my head in from time to time, but I have not been as frequent on these forums as I have been. There are multiple reasons for this, the chief being that I am busy back at school.
At any rate, I would like to catch up with my brothers and sisters, if I am even worthy of calling any of you that.
As of lately, I have been not just partially hypocritical, but entirely. The worse yet, I feel the Spirit, though feeling are deceiving, ushering me unto repentance. However, I have a resistance to it. I do not wish to repent, save for fear, and even that fear is not enough.
Hypocrisy with what? Well, I have found a supposed Christian girlfriend since my absent, but we are both nominal at best. I'm sure the rest can be logically concluded: we've began sleeping with each other, frequently, without regret.
This is probably, if sin has degrees, my worst sin. However, I will say that my deception has returned, that is, I am full of lies, even if they are just "white lies." I have began swearing, and to some degree, I find myself using God's name in vain, yet again.
Ever since this has come about, all of this, my sleep apnea and paralysis has returned. My fear of death and of God has increased 10x, but my heart has remained stiff.
I say a lot of this partially because I wish to excuse myself from all and any arguments I have posted about theology, regardless of their truthfulness, because I feel a blind guide, sharing my blind ideas, with a blind people.
As aforementioned, all of these things mentioned, as evil as they may be, I do not regret. I do not wish to repent, save for fear from God. But again, not enough fear. I have not even experienced the love or faith of God for quite some time. Just doubts, and fearful expectations of death, and hell-fire. I have no assurance in the cross at this time. None.
I would like to namely apologize to all those doubters. I have posted many things that perhaps have gained you comfort. However, despite my sincerity at that time, I cannot say, though comfort they may provide, those statements contain any truth. Perhaps just something to ease your conscience, as I've feared I've done with my theology.
I believe I may have come to the conclusion that my logic and theology is the way it is because of my refusal to repent, and my inability to have faith. Thus, Christ is my only Savior. However, at this point, I do not even say with certainty that He is my Savior.
Including all of these issues, I am having trouble discern the truth. I do not know what is true. Every form of doctrine I read, has contradicting passages. Every logical connection I try to make with the Bible, has an illogical aspect, and a verse to contradict. I find the Bible entirely contradicting, as I'm sure is revealed in the countless of denominations of Christianity. Despite this, I have no idea how to determine truth, apart from Christ being Truth. And even then, it seemingly leaves me no where.
I ask at this time, so much as the Holy Spirit will allow, that you keep me in your prayers. I regret my impenitence, but not enough so. I ask for prayers of repentance, faith, salvation and security in my faith, with wisdom of how to be with a girl as a Christian.
Thank you.
Please read all of this, or none of it.
Well, I think it's safe to say, I poke my head in from time to time, but I have not been as frequent on these forums as I have been. There are multiple reasons for this, the chief being that I am busy back at school.
At any rate, I would like to catch up with my brothers and sisters, if I am even worthy of calling any of you that.
As of lately, I have been not just partially hypocritical, but entirely. The worse yet, I feel the Spirit, though feeling are deceiving, ushering me unto repentance. However, I have a resistance to it. I do not wish to repent, save for fear, and even that fear is not enough.
Hypocrisy with what? Well, I have found a supposed Christian girlfriend since my absent, but we are both nominal at best. I'm sure the rest can be logically concluded: we've began sleeping with each other, frequently, without regret.
This is probably, if sin has degrees, my worst sin. However, I will say that my deception has returned, that is, I am full of lies, even if they are just "white lies." I have began swearing, and to some degree, I find myself using God's name in vain, yet again.
Ever since this has come about, all of this, my sleep apnea and paralysis has returned. My fear of death and of God has increased 10x, but my heart has remained stiff.
I say a lot of this partially because I wish to excuse myself from all and any arguments I have posted about theology, regardless of their truthfulness, because I feel a blind guide, sharing my blind ideas, with a blind people.
As aforementioned, all of these things mentioned, as evil as they may be, I do not regret. I do not wish to repent, save for fear from God. But again, not enough fear. I have not even experienced the love or faith of God for quite some time. Just doubts, and fearful expectations of death, and hell-fire. I have no assurance in the cross at this time. None.
I would like to namely apologize to all those doubters. I have posted many things that perhaps have gained you comfort. However, despite my sincerity at that time, I cannot say, though comfort they may provide, those statements contain any truth. Perhaps just something to ease your conscience, as I've feared I've done with my theology.
I believe I may have come to the conclusion that my logic and theology is the way it is because of my refusal to repent, and my inability to have faith. Thus, Christ is my only Savior. However, at this point, I do not even say with certainty that He is my Savior.
Including all of these issues, I am having trouble discern the truth. I do not know what is true. Every form of doctrine I read, has contradicting passages. Every logical connection I try to make with the Bible, has an illogical aspect, and a verse to contradict. I find the Bible entirely contradicting, as I'm sure is revealed in the countless of denominations of Christianity. Despite this, I have no idea how to determine truth, apart from Christ being Truth. And even then, it seemingly leaves me no where.
I ask at this time, so much as the Holy Spirit will allow, that you keep me in your prayers. I regret my impenitence, but not enough so. I ask for prayers of repentance, faith, salvation and security in my faith, with wisdom of how to be with a girl as a Christian.
Thank you.