Would U marry a Divorced Christian??

brettnolan · May 24, 2004

bkg said:
But... just because the world says it's okay, and just because it's happening even in the church, does NOT mean that someone whould admit it's a possibility in their own marriage.

The issue is whether or not you would marry a divorced person, NOT whether or not it is okay to divorce...those are two completely different issues. I agree that you should go in with the full intent to stay married for life, but what I have a problem with is saying that you would never marry someone else who has been divorced because you think YOU'RE TOO GOOD for it to ever happen to you.

brettnolan said:
I NEVER intended to get divorced either, but I can't force a woman to stay with me who doesn't want to.

bkg said:
That my friend is exactly the problem: YOU cannot do ANYTHING to save a marriage... GOD can do EVERYTHING to save a marriage... We as God-fearing Christians have to stop trying to control every aspect of our lives and allow God to take over.

And here you don't know the facts. My marital problems are what brought me back to Christ. I was SO overwhelmed by what I was trying to do to save the marriage that I had no choice but to turn the matter over to God, which I did. He eased my pain and took away all the pressure and depression that surrounded my situation. But he also gave my wife the free will to cheat again. She had no interest in turning HER marital issues, or any other for that matter, over to God.

charligirl · May 24, 2004

When I was looking into this I came across this teaching.. perhaps it wil be helpful to some. It refers in particular to 1 Cor 7 where Paul talks about marriage, divorce and remarriage..

Paul uses the imperative verb in the Greek for v 1-2 which states that 'each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband'.. the imperative verb is best rendered 'let each man have his own wife', a general principle, NOT a binding moral command otherwise we would have to argue that we should ALL be married.. obviously that is not the case!

By the same token then we have to relook at verses 1 Cor 7 v 12-15 where Paul also uses the imperative form, which does not suggest the command of 'must not divorce' rather the counsel and guideline of 'let him not divorce'. It is a rule which we should make every effort to comply - but it does not say there are never exceptions.

In verses 27-28 the translation on the original Greek for the term 'unmarried' in verse 27 it literally means "released from a wife" rather than "never been married" and uses the identical root verb employed in the expression the NIV renders "seek a divorce" in the previous sentance.

The NEB has a more accurate translation, "are you bound in marrige? do not seek a dissolution. Has your marriage been dissolved? Do not seek a wife" This is critical because it means the next sentance is speaking to divorcees - and it says 'but if you do marry you are not sinning'

There is more but I am tired now! The book is called 'Should i get married?' by M Blaine Smith so if you want to look into it further then it's worth a read.

Food for thought!

Archivist · May 24, 2004

Charligirl, this sounds like a great book. I will have to get a copy.

If I were in love with a woman and she was in love with me I would certainly marry her even if she had been divorced.

bkg · May 24, 2004

brettnolan said:
And here you don't know the facts. My marital problems are what brought me back to Christ. I was SO overwhelmed by what I was trying to do to save the marriage that I had no choice but to turn the matter over to God, which I did. He eased my pain and took away all the pressure and depression that surrounded my situation. But he also gave my wife the free will to cheat again. She had no interest in turning HER marital issues, or any other for that matter, over to God.

Sorry if it sounded like I was directing that at you specifically or being judgemental - it wasn't intended that way. The point that I was trying to make is that I find that even Christians often refuse to let God's hands work because we want the control for whatever reason. And we often then discount God's ability by saying "He can't fix this" or "He can't soften his/her heart" or "He'll never...". God can do ALL things. He's faithful, He answers prayers, and He CAN turns hearts...

I see so many people struggling in marriage who allow a divorce to happen because they don't fall at the feet of Jesus and give everything over to Him. Or they expect their spouse to change before they change themselves - but that never works. If I were to put a number on it, I'd guess 95% of all divorces don't have to happen... Especially those "christian" marriages.

Anyway - sorry if my comments didn't reflect what I was trying to say.. I didn't mean to judge.

kitkat60 · May 24, 2004

Edited:
I say it again, it takes two people to make a marriage work. I am not suggesting that those of you who have never been married and/or have stated that you would never marry someone like me should change your minds. I am suggesting however, that you be careful of making blanket judgements. It is oh so easy to say "that would never happen to me" or "she didn't try hard enough" or "he didn't trust in the Lord or give control over to the Lord" or even "it was preventable" when you haven't been in my position, or in many of the other Christians who are divorced. I can look myself in the mirror and know that I did whatever I could. I know that the Lord still loves me, had compassion for me, and was not condemning of me for circumstances that were well beyond my control.

I personally do not believe that the Lord has a score card whereby points are deducted for being the victim of a divorce, and I do not believe that I am a less worthy "candidate" for marriage because of my divorce. More so, I do not believe that those Christians who are NOT divorced are better people than me by sheer virtue of their still being married.

oldrooster · May 25, 2004

Thanks everyone, i have never desired to be divorced. Short of chaining her down, I could not keep my wife from having affairs. God didn't stop her either. At my age, a divorced person is the only thing I amgoing to find. No dont everyone jump on me at once, If you have not had a significant relationship in your life by the time you are 40, I would have to take a real hard look at that.

AirForceTeacher · May 25, 2004

It is oh so easy to say "that would never happen to me" or "she didn't try hard enough" or "he didn't trust in the Lord or give control over to the Lord" or even "it was preventable"

Right now in my separation, which my stubbornness has caused, I have to repent for every time I've looked down upon a divorced or separated couple. I'm looking ahead to possible divorce because I dont' see how I can change enough to be a good husband in the time I think she's willing to spend. I may be wrong. I hope I'm wrong.

LadyDJ · May 25, 2004

I would hope that if or when the day comes that I even find myself looking at the prospect of a relationship again, that I would be given the same courtesy to explain why I am divorced that I'm willing to extend to anyone I might meet...and that he would be honest as I would be with him.

bkg · May 25, 2004

AirForceTeacher said:
I'm looking ahead to possible divorce because I dont' see how I can change enough to be a good husband in the time I think she's willing to spend. I may be wrong. I hope I'm wrong.

Hang in there, my friend. Keep your eyes focused and let God do the work in you! Don't worry about the timeline, don't worry about your wife... just let God work... keep focused!

kitkat60 · May 25, 2004

Hope things do work out for you, AirForce. The fact that you want to change is great, I hope she too is willing to work on changing herself for you, and that she isn't holding to too rigid of a timetable. Its probably one of the most character building experiences you will ever go through, regardless of the outcome.

Gamma914 · May 25, 2004

If U are going to marry a Divorced Man/Woman than let it be the will of GOD. Pray & let him lead u inthis journey. If the person U are marrying was divorced by a non-beleiver or thru marital unfaithfulness than as long as God says so go thru with it.

Spclone34 · May 25, 2004

kitkat60 said:
I am a divorced mom. My ex was having an affair, and he wanted the divorce. And no, he was not a Christian. Before the affair, he would go to church as long as it was a trendy politically correct not bibliccally based church. Once it started, even that went by the wayside, and it was just my kids and me. The circumstances were well beyond my control and I stayed in a terrible and abusive situation because of my children and because of my faith. The lesson I learned is that it takes two people to work on a marriage and one to end it.

If someone were to not want to marry me because of this, then quite frankly, they would not be worthy of me.

I totally agree with you. It does take 2 to make a marriage work and one to end it. My ex-husband left me and our 2 kids a yr after we were married and had numerous affairs. He came back a few months later in which I forgave him But he just kept cheating. He finally left me for his twin-brothers wife. And a yr later I filed for a divorced because he never came back. I also understand the abusiveness of a spouse that is cheating they are very verbal and mentally abusive (Some even hit there wife's I am very blessed he didn't hit me) because of there on conscious that is eating at them and take it out on you. I am very blessed that the Lord rescued me and my kids from this man.
I hope and pray that oneday that the Lord sends me a christain spouse (one that don't go to church to get you and quits church after you marry him) and my kids a christain father. But right now God is my spouse (Is 54:5 This scripture meant alot to me: after my divorce) and my kids daddy. For the Bible says he is a father to the fatherless. So I will wait and pray until the Lord sends us someone. But if he don't then I will always love my Savior.

Bartimaeus · May 26, 2004

Sign Of The Fish said:
Good question... I have been thinking about this one for awhile.
I think you really have to understand and figure out why the couple divorced before really making any decision.
If they divorced because of infidelity, or like Out of the Flames suggested, one was not a christian, I think that would probally be alright. Or did the couple divorce before this person became a christian?
Because if this is the case, and they divorced before becomming a christian, their sin would be forgiven, and therefore made new.

Its a topic thats kinda close to my heart right now... the best advice I can give you is to really pray about it. Really ask God to reveal his will for you.
But I certainly think that people who are divorced can be VERY great mates... if anything, they know what it takes to make a marriage last. They know the misteaks. But I guess it depents on the person

Sorry i wasnt much he;p

Just IMO here, but no matter how the couple divorces, I think that we need to remember that (sin or not) the divorce is forgiven in God's eyes. Whether the couple stayed married or got divorced, either way, God has a plan. There's nothing we can do that is so bad it strays outside God's plan.

Bartimaeus · May 26, 2004

fishstix said:
Personally, I would not marry a divorced person, as I would consider them to still be married in God's eyes and thus as unavailable to me as a person who is still legally married in the world's eyes.

Um, if they are divorced...they aren't legally married in the world's eyes...they are divorced in the world's eyes. Just a thought.

Bartimaeus · May 26, 2004

fishstix said:
Sorry, should have linked to it right away I guess. Like I said, the Bible is very clear on the matter:

Romans 7:1-3
Do you not know, brothers--for I am speaking to men who know the law--that the law has authority over a man only as long as he lives? For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.

Matthew 5:31-32
"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19:8-9
Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Mark 10:2-12
Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?"
"What did Moses command you?" he replied.
They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away."
"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this.
He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."

Luke 16:18
"Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

1 Corinthians 7:10-11
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:39
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

Ah, but like all other sins, adultery is a sin that needs forgiveness and grace...you cannot say they are in a permanent state of sin...the onyly sin that can *NEVER* be forgiven is the unpardonable sin.

Bartimaeus · May 26, 2004

Rosa Mystica said:
I'm a Catholic, so I'm not allowed to marry divorced Christians. So, I guess that matter is settled for me once and for all.

What does being Catholic have to do with it? I ask because I don't know, not out orf being critical.

Bartimaeus · May 26, 2004

bkg said:
As a divorced Christian, this topic is intriguing... and sucks all at the same time. I want my wife back, I want a restored marriage, I want the bride of my youth to come home.... And I believe that God wants this as well. I didn't want the divorce, so I let the "unbeliever" leave.

If she were to remarry, then I may be single the rest of my life. Unless God makes it very clear that He wants me to remarry.

I believe in one marriage, and one only. I have believed this my entire life, even when I didn't believe in Christ. Sitting where I am now, in awe, wonder and shock at my situation, I cannot get my mind wrapped around it. I blew it, I know that, since I didn't cherish the gift God had given me.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that *I* never would have married a divorced person, even before I fell at the foot of the cross. Even now, the idea of marrying a divorced woman turns my stomach (unless it were to be my ex-wife, of course). So I'm admittedly judgemental on this subject. But then I look in the mirror, knowing all that I have learned from this and wondering if there are women out there in my same situation... And I realize that I am no one to judge - that's God's job...

I don't have an answer to any of this...

Why does the idea of marrying a divorced woman turn your stomach? Doesn't that woman need as much grace as you do...as anyone on earth does...After all, it's by grace, through faith, that we are saved.

Bartimaeus · May 26, 2004

hischildsindik said:
I am no expert in this, I only know my thoughts. I have never been marrried and thus for me I would not personally marry a divorced person. At least not without a lot of prayer and a clear sense or knowing of God's had on the relationship.

For no matter if they married and divorced as a christian or non-christian, divorce is still not in God's plan. Most people christian or not are married in a church, and even not, God still watches and they are married in the sight of God. For one can go no where, that God can not see. I believe God pardons and God forgives, therefore if the divorced desire to marry again, it is within their consious, between them, their spouse and God. God is the only judge, not I.

Ultimately God knows the desires of your heart. Pray about it. God desires only the best for you, no matter who that may be, God will make it clear.

Not in God's plan? I'm sorry, but can we mere mortals really do any single thing that takes us outside God' infinite plan? I don't think so. God knows our choices before we make them, can we really do something and have God go "Wow! Didn't know they were going to do *THAT!*"? No, I don't see how.

Bartimaeus · May 26, 2004

hischildsindik said:
I am no expert in this, I only know my thoughts. I have never been marrried and thus for me I would not personally marry a divorced person. At least not without a lot of prayer and a clear sense or knowing of God's had on the relationship.

For no matter if they married and divorced as a christian or non-christian, divorce is still not in God's plan. Most people christian or not are married in a church, and even not, God still watches and they are married in the sight of God. For one can go no where, that God can not see. I believe God pardons and God forgives, therefore if the divorced desire to marry again, it is within their consious, between them, their spouse and God. God is the only judge, not I.

Ultimately God knows the desires of your heart. Pray about it. God desires only the best for you, no matter who that may be, God will make it clear.

Oops, I didn't pay full attention to your post here. Where you say it's between you, the spouse and God? That's very true. So, if my previous post seemed harsh, I apologize. I was just expressing an opinion, not trying to read you the riot act.

Bartimaeus · May 26, 2004

kitkat60 said:
I am a divorced mom. My ex was having an affair, and he wanted the divorce. And no, he was not a Christian. Before the affair, he would go to church as long as it was a trendy politically correct not bibliccally based church. Once it started, even that went by the wayside, and it was just my kids and me. The circumstances were well beyond my control and I stayed in a terrible and abusive situation because of my children and because of my faith. The lesson I learned is that it takes two people to work on a marriage and one to end it.

If someone were to not want to marry me because of this, then quite frankly, they would not be worthy of me.

Amen to that last line.

Would U marry a Divorced Christian??

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