I'm engaged to my best friend, she is 3 years older and we are in our late 20's with good jobs. Some background info that would be useful is that we have very different backgrounds. I grew up in the church with a good family. When I got to college my family split apart completely. My mom is still a fervent follower of the Lord. My father; however, has taken to drugs and alcohol. It is not for me to judge his choices or his soul, but needless to say it's tough to have a good relationship with him. Anyways, I was very blessed to be raised in an environment where I was encouraged to live for Christ. It's by the grace of God that I'm a virgin today, and that I never fell into the hard core party/club scene. I attribute much of that for working in ministry throughout college, and for some great friends holding me accountable.
My fiance's background is very different. She grew up in a broken home her entire life. Her mom has been married 4 times, and she was abused by a previous stepfather. When she was in high school she was a wild child and partied and slept around quite a bit, and had a heavy drinking problem. Her senior year in high school she went to a Christian camp and found the Lord. Like all of us who meet the Lord, her journey since that day has had its ups and downs. Her first year out of college she got into a very abusive relationship. It culminated with her getting pregnant, and she got an abortion. When she gives her testimony, this is the hardest part for her to talk about. However, God is so good. About a year after that tragedy she got plugged into an amazing church that had a program specifically for women who had had an abortion. She has since been able to help so many people that deal with guilt from the same thing or other issues. She has the biggest heart I've ever come into contact with, and her ability to empathize with someone is simply amazing. Bottom line, if I could sum up her story in a couple of words I would pick words like "grace," "redeemed" and "made new." We met a few years after the above.
I think it's important to know our backgrounds to understand the story. We are getting married in 4 months. The planning process has gone pretty well, and I can't believe it's just around the corner. I can't wait! We have abstained from sex, but believe me, it has been hard. But as a christian mentor said, "if it wasn't hard then you probably shouldn't be marrying her." We're love birds - always writing each other notes, holding hands, making fun gifts, going on dates, taking spontaneous trips, etc. We solve our conflict well, and while we can always get better at communication, we tend to do a pretty good job.
Here's the tough part. She feels guilty sometimes that she isn't good enough for me. I think some of it stems from our very different past, and I think some of it comes from the things we enjoy doing even today. My best friends and I can enjoy going out and having a good time wherever we are. But rarely do I or any of my friends ever drink too much, and I've never seen any of my best friends drink so much that they've passed out no matter what the occasion is. Her best friends really enjoyed going out in college, and she misses it. She enjoys having a good time on occasion, and a lot of her favorite memories usually involve a lot of heavy drinking. When she reminisces about this stuff around me it makes me feel bad. Just the other day we were talking about what we're going to do for our bachelor/bachelorette parties. I plan to go to the country with my guy friends and just be boys. We'll run around, fish, play games, etc. We'll have a few beers, but I would be VERY surprised if anyone drinks too many. At all of my friends bachelor parties we've always enjoyed praying at the end of the night or the next morning for the man getting married. I told my fiance I was really looking forward to this. This made her feel bad. She told me that she was really excited about her bachelorette party because it was her last hoorah with her girlfriends. They're planning to go to the bars and drink too much and have a typical bachelorette party (no strippers or anything like that, just a lot of friends having too much fun). She even said that she was sad that her mom and my mom couldn't go with her because she thinks they wouldn't want to be around that kind of environment. She was kind of upset because she really liked some other bachelorette parties where the mom or mother in law came and joined in the fun. So I guess it made her feel bad when I told her we would be praying at my bachelor party since they won't be at hers.
Now I understand having a good time on your bachelor party. I mean if there was one day the Lord would probably be beside you having a beer, it would probably be in celebration of a pending marriage. So I'm not here to judge or get down on my fiance for her plans. If that's what she wants to do, no problem with me. I do hope she doesn't get drunk, and I know that she probably will, but that is not for me to control. But it does bother me how excited she is about this. The way she has talked about it recently makes me feel like she is giving up what she considers to be fun for me, and that makes me feel like some sort of controlling monster. I've never told her to give up anything, and moreover, I love her enough to want her to be happy no matter what -- even if that isn't with me. I don't want to make her feel guilty, and I'm not sure how not to. It's not like I'm telling her not to do something or that I've told her she's a bad person -- because she's not, and I haven't even alluded to those things. But I do speak my mind about what I enjoy, and I can't wait to pray with my best friends on my the night of my bachelor party. And let me be clear -- she is not some crazy party girl. We rarely go out. But every once and a while she enjoys a fun evening with her friends and away from me. I can respect that. We just have different views on what's fun. And that's OK. I just want her to make the best decisions for herself, for us, and to not feel guilty about it.
Another thing that has been difficult is that we are paying for our own wedding. Her mom & step-dad lost their jobs in a merger, and her real dad has been without work for over 2 years. As I mentioned previously, my father really fell off the face of the earth. He stole my car and sold it, so he definitely doesn't have any money. My mom has a good job, but she lost a lot in the divorce. She can't really contribute anything to our wedding either. That leaves it up to us. As funny as it might sound, I'm actually like the idea of paying for our own wedding. It's forced us to make a budget and have conversations about money, and allowed us to do whatever we want. Being that weddings are more for the women than the men, I've pretty much let my fiance do whatever she wants. She has a good job, but money terrifies her in general. For a while she wanted to have a separate savings account from me after we got married just in case something happened. This made me feel terrible and like she didn't trust me, but from her point of view from growing up, her mom had money taken from her from abusive husbands and were left with nothing on more than one occasion. Bottom line, it was a fear -- not in me, but just in general. We worked through in counseling, and she is now OK with a joint account, but it still makes her apprehensive. Anyways, she has almost no expenses, so she has been able to save a lot for the wedding. I make a lot more money than she does. The Lord has blessed me financially, and I would have no problem paying for a $50,000 wedding if need be. Fortunately, we capped our budget at $20,000 (for our city, that's well below the average). My fiance is an amazing bargain shopper. She can find 4 dresses and 2 pairs of shoes for $75. However, she is going shopping all the time. It's $50 here, $100 there, etc. This wouldn't bother me, but whenever I ask her to pay for something for US, she gets very defensive about it. One day she told me she couldn't buy me a gold wedding band (cost around $500) for the wedding. I told her no problem -- to me it's the thought and effort behind the gift. If it was a twisty tie that came with love, thought and effort, I'd wear it proudly. The next week she spent $100 the next week on clothes for herself - she told me about it because she was proud of herself for what all she got with the $100. That was an argument to say the least, but we worked through it. As a side note, the band she wants to compliment her engagement ring set me back about $2400. I didn't bat an eye. I fortunately can afford that, although I did have to save and forego buying some things for myself. But totally worth it -- I'm getting married! I just felt like she didn't see it the same way on her end. And really, its not like she doesn't have money. She makes around $51,000 and probably spends around $1,000 on expenses (her rent is only about $300 per month). If you do the math that's about $2,500 a month extra to save or spend after taxes. So that's why I felt bad -- I know she has the money, it just seemed like she didn't want to spend it on me. I'm not sure why.
Anyways, I want to love my fiance the way the Bible teaches -- as Christ loves the church. Unconditionally, and with my whole heart. I have to remind myself that I'm not in control of how she feels sometimes. After all, attitude is a choice. But I don't to make her feel guilty, and I also want to understand where she's coming from sometimes. As I said, we have very different pasts. And that's OK -- I love that about her. I love seeing who she is today knowing where she's come from. It's simply amazing. And I want to lead her the way a husband should -- in love and respect. Any advice for how to talk to her about some of these issues without coming across as judgmental would be so helpful. Thanks so much for reading -- I know it's long. God bless.
My fiance's background is very different. She grew up in a broken home her entire life. Her mom has been married 4 times, and she was abused by a previous stepfather. When she was in high school she was a wild child and partied and slept around quite a bit, and had a heavy drinking problem. Her senior year in high school she went to a Christian camp and found the Lord. Like all of us who meet the Lord, her journey since that day has had its ups and downs. Her first year out of college she got into a very abusive relationship. It culminated with her getting pregnant, and she got an abortion. When she gives her testimony, this is the hardest part for her to talk about. However, God is so good. About a year after that tragedy she got plugged into an amazing church that had a program specifically for women who had had an abortion. She has since been able to help so many people that deal with guilt from the same thing or other issues. She has the biggest heart I've ever come into contact with, and her ability to empathize with someone is simply amazing. Bottom line, if I could sum up her story in a couple of words I would pick words like "grace," "redeemed" and "made new." We met a few years after the above.
I think it's important to know our backgrounds to understand the story. We are getting married in 4 months. The planning process has gone pretty well, and I can't believe it's just around the corner. I can't wait! We have abstained from sex, but believe me, it has been hard. But as a christian mentor said, "if it wasn't hard then you probably shouldn't be marrying her." We're love birds - always writing each other notes, holding hands, making fun gifts, going on dates, taking spontaneous trips, etc. We solve our conflict well, and while we can always get better at communication, we tend to do a pretty good job.
Here's the tough part. She feels guilty sometimes that she isn't good enough for me. I think some of it stems from our very different past, and I think some of it comes from the things we enjoy doing even today. My best friends and I can enjoy going out and having a good time wherever we are. But rarely do I or any of my friends ever drink too much, and I've never seen any of my best friends drink so much that they've passed out no matter what the occasion is. Her best friends really enjoyed going out in college, and she misses it. She enjoys having a good time on occasion, and a lot of her favorite memories usually involve a lot of heavy drinking. When she reminisces about this stuff around me it makes me feel bad. Just the other day we were talking about what we're going to do for our bachelor/bachelorette parties. I plan to go to the country with my guy friends and just be boys. We'll run around, fish, play games, etc. We'll have a few beers, but I would be VERY surprised if anyone drinks too many. At all of my friends bachelor parties we've always enjoyed praying at the end of the night or the next morning for the man getting married. I told my fiance I was really looking forward to this. This made her feel bad. She told me that she was really excited about her bachelorette party because it was her last hoorah with her girlfriends. They're planning to go to the bars and drink too much and have a typical bachelorette party (no strippers or anything like that, just a lot of friends having too much fun). She even said that she was sad that her mom and my mom couldn't go with her because she thinks they wouldn't want to be around that kind of environment. She was kind of upset because she really liked some other bachelorette parties where the mom or mother in law came and joined in the fun. So I guess it made her feel bad when I told her we would be praying at my bachelor party since they won't be at hers.
Now I understand having a good time on your bachelor party. I mean if there was one day the Lord would probably be beside you having a beer, it would probably be in celebration of a pending marriage. So I'm not here to judge or get down on my fiance for her plans. If that's what she wants to do, no problem with me. I do hope she doesn't get drunk, and I know that she probably will, but that is not for me to control. But it does bother me how excited she is about this. The way she has talked about it recently makes me feel like she is giving up what she considers to be fun for me, and that makes me feel like some sort of controlling monster. I've never told her to give up anything, and moreover, I love her enough to want her to be happy no matter what -- even if that isn't with me. I don't want to make her feel guilty, and I'm not sure how not to. It's not like I'm telling her not to do something or that I've told her she's a bad person -- because she's not, and I haven't even alluded to those things. But I do speak my mind about what I enjoy, and I can't wait to pray with my best friends on my the night of my bachelor party. And let me be clear -- she is not some crazy party girl. We rarely go out. But every once and a while she enjoys a fun evening with her friends and away from me. I can respect that. We just have different views on what's fun. And that's OK. I just want her to make the best decisions for herself, for us, and to not feel guilty about it.
Another thing that has been difficult is that we are paying for our own wedding. Her mom & step-dad lost their jobs in a merger, and her real dad has been without work for over 2 years. As I mentioned previously, my father really fell off the face of the earth. He stole my car and sold it, so he definitely doesn't have any money. My mom has a good job, but she lost a lot in the divorce. She can't really contribute anything to our wedding either. That leaves it up to us. As funny as it might sound, I'm actually like the idea of paying for our own wedding. It's forced us to make a budget and have conversations about money, and allowed us to do whatever we want. Being that weddings are more for the women than the men, I've pretty much let my fiance do whatever she wants. She has a good job, but money terrifies her in general. For a while she wanted to have a separate savings account from me after we got married just in case something happened. This made me feel terrible and like she didn't trust me, but from her point of view from growing up, her mom had money taken from her from abusive husbands and were left with nothing on more than one occasion. Bottom line, it was a fear -- not in me, but just in general. We worked through in counseling, and she is now OK with a joint account, but it still makes her apprehensive. Anyways, she has almost no expenses, so she has been able to save a lot for the wedding. I make a lot more money than she does. The Lord has blessed me financially, and I would have no problem paying for a $50,000 wedding if need be. Fortunately, we capped our budget at $20,000 (for our city, that's well below the average). My fiance is an amazing bargain shopper. She can find 4 dresses and 2 pairs of shoes for $75. However, she is going shopping all the time. It's $50 here, $100 there, etc. This wouldn't bother me, but whenever I ask her to pay for something for US, she gets very defensive about it. One day she told me she couldn't buy me a gold wedding band (cost around $500) for the wedding. I told her no problem -- to me it's the thought and effort behind the gift. If it was a twisty tie that came with love, thought and effort, I'd wear it proudly. The next week she spent $100 the next week on clothes for herself - she told me about it because she was proud of herself for what all she got with the $100. That was an argument to say the least, but we worked through it. As a side note, the band she wants to compliment her engagement ring set me back about $2400. I didn't bat an eye. I fortunately can afford that, although I did have to save and forego buying some things for myself. But totally worth it -- I'm getting married! I just felt like she didn't see it the same way on her end. And really, its not like she doesn't have money. She makes around $51,000 and probably spends around $1,000 on expenses (her rent is only about $300 per month). If you do the math that's about $2,500 a month extra to save or spend after taxes. So that's why I felt bad -- I know she has the money, it just seemed like she didn't want to spend it on me. I'm not sure why.
Anyways, I want to love my fiance the way the Bible teaches -- as Christ loves the church. Unconditionally, and with my whole heart. I have to remind myself that I'm not in control of how she feels sometimes. After all, attitude is a choice. But I don't to make her feel guilty, and I also want to understand where she's coming from sometimes. As I said, we have very different pasts. And that's OK -- I love that about her. I love seeing who she is today knowing where she's come from. It's simply amazing. And I want to lead her the way a husband should -- in love and respect. Any advice for how to talk to her about some of these issues without coming across as judgmental would be so helpful. Thanks so much for reading -- I know it's long. God bless.