Work vs. study.

Things are tight due to some unexpected financial demands. Hence I am looking for a job. That is fine and I enjoy working but we had an agreement that I would stay home with the kids while he studied and worked for a bit and then it would be my turn to finish my studies. I am studying and would love to work as well but am very limited in what is open to me due to needing to be there for the children. Things are tight but not impossible. What I really want my husband to say to me is that he can see I have enough on my plate with the family, what I do at home is valuable and for the next year things will be tight but we will be ok so just focus on study and the family and don't worry about having to work until I'm done. If I get a job, and I have some applications in, I will take one but I don't know how I will study at the same time. I may have to decide between study and work. I know it's possible to do both but at this time of my life don't know if I can. Am I just being selfish about wanting to study?

Depends on how tight things are financially. If you're in a place where meeting basic required bills is iffy, and you have to eat just ramen and rice and beans, that's a different story than if you are basically ok financially and your income isn't truly required.

No-one is going to starve. Obviously if we couldn't pay bills or eat it's 'just one of those things' in life and work would be priority. My husband doesnt' like beans so that's not an option. Personally I love them. It just means there's no room for luxuries and we have to budget carefully. It just seems unfair he gets to build his lofty career with the understanding I will get my turn and then it changes.

Why should your family only "scrape by" if you can be building up savings, paying off debts, etc.?

What are you studying, by the way? Is it something certain to bring higher family income when you are done, or is it just a degree-to-have-a-degree?

Also, marriage isn't about "fair." Move that attitude out of your heart right now, or there will be bigger and worse disagreements down the road.

citizenthom said:

Why should your family only "scrape by" if you can be building up savings, paying off debts, etc.?

What are you studying, by the way? Is it something certain to bring higher family income when you are done, or is it just a degree-to-have-a-degree?

Also, marriage isn't about "fair." Move that attitude out of your heart right now, or there will be bigger and worse disagreements down the road.

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Wise advice .

We don't have any debts (other than the mortgage). I supported him through three degrees knowing my time would come. I have a degree but it requires a year of post-grad specialisation to increase my earning power by $30,000 a year potentially. I just don't see why I should always come last. We scraped by for years so he could do his third degree and I've moved cross country so he could do the job of his dreams. I'm just asking for a year. I'm quite willing to work and want to work. The problem is there is so little I can do that fits with childcare requirements. I had a job that fit nicely before we moved.

You have every right to your dreams and goals and my question is why doesn't he share those dreams with you? Why aren't your goals, his?

Obviously, you made his, yours . . . . .

Saying you don't have any debts "other than the mortgage" is like saying you don't drink "except for three martinis every night."

I don't mean to pry, but could you be more specific about your husband's degrees and job, your degree, your "specialization" training, how it increases your earning potential, etc.?

Regardless . . . . sacrificing for a year . . . . . its worth it, if that's the agreement they had. We don't get to lie to our spouses, just because keeping our word is unpleasant or not our ideal.

What happened was that I found myself in a position where I needed to make a decision at a young age regarding having children or not. I don't feel the need toshare more on that. My first goal was to be a mother so it was worth the sacrifice, and I'd make the same choice again, but it has made things harder than if I'd finished first. I'm questioning myself. If you read my posts again there is nowhere I have said my husband is being unsupportive. I'm just frustrated that we made the deal and I'm feeling some pressure (from myself due to a temporary financial glitch) and questioning whether I'm doing the right thing or whether I should just give it up and work. Yes, that frustrates me since this has been a while coming and my husband isn't being helpful. I guess I'm just wanting some support and encouragement from my husband so I can feel ok about going through with this. I really just want him to pat me on the back and reassure me it will be ok and there is no pressure to work. I cannot do both.

Umm . . . . have you asked for the "pat on the back" from your husband? --- Told him you feel internal pressure and that you'd like reassurance that what you're doing is A-Ok with him?

or . . . . . is he really hoping that "you'll decide for yourself" that you should get a job --- that way he's off the hook, and doesn't have to feel guilty because it was "your decision?

JanniGirl said:

Umm . . . . have you asked for the "pat on the back" from your husband? --- Told him you feel internal pressure and that you'd like reassurance that what you're doing is A-Ok with him?

or . . . . . is he really hoping that "you'll decide for yourself" that you should get a job --- that way he's off the hook, and doesn't have to feel guilty because it was "your decision?

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You know, that's a good question. I think I'll ask him. He's not really the communicative sort sometimes and his silence is most likely to mean he feels bad that I am experiencing pressure. I wonder is looking for a contract position will be better than a permanent one. Then I can help with getting over the 'hump' and restoring the no pressure situation.

Totally selfish your job is to stay home and take care of the kids. Everything else comes second.

HolyStuff said:

Totally selfish your job is to stay home and take care of the kids. Everything else comes second.

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That's pretty sexist by today's standards!

Look at Eph5:21-32 and 1Peter3:1-7

Even though it states that a Woman should obey her husband, it also says that the husband should treat his wife with honour and understanding AS EQUALS, not as "inferior" (not the word I'm looking for but it's the closest one I can think of at the moment )

Based on this, I think your husband owes it to you to tell you his feelings on you taking a year to complete your post-graduate course. It sounds like you have given so much to him and he has yet to give something back to you.

HolyStuff said:

Totally selfish your job is to stay home and take care of the kids. Everything else comes second.

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The kids are all in school and everything I do fits into school hours. Nice try though ...

Since I was in an almost identical situation, not exact, I earned my degree before we met and married, but my wife was set on studying a path that is 10 years, and wouldn but let it go, as our home forclosed, she still studied, as I filed bankruptcy she still studied....only when we literally because of wage garnishment in bankruptcy, when we didnt have enough money on a certain day that she could go to grocer it hit her. Now she works full time, and if she gets back to "her dream" great this dream thing is not the end all. We have 4 kids who have "dreams" to, our first obligation was to them, first, security in house, and food and medicine, then university, not one of us.

We are all sorted, but it ended with her working. We have found that the feeling of climbing out financially is a "dream" as well.

Without the specifics of the degrees your husb. earned and your desired on, its impossible to comment with real advice, because pragmatic minds will say get better financially THEN do the dreams thing. It may feel unfaie but its not your husbands fault, dont take it out on him.

He cannot tell you there is no pressure to work....if in fact there IS pressure to work.
My family learned the hard way and were unprepared for some unforeseen disasters even while making a ton of money, so, we fell off the cliff. These days, things are not all rock and roll as they were in the 90's when we were doing super well. Id be insecure in general, today, meaning easy come easy go.

Please do elaborate on the degree choices....I note someone else asked as well


Oh just noticed the post about you deciding for yourself.....I was that way, because I would spell out the facts...the budget facts, and I would expect that anyone with any commen sense would see that we needed a 2nd income. When finally it blew up and she went to work and we had an argument I resented the fact that I had to say no to more study and Please get a job. I have never done that sort of thing in 20 years of marriage...and i told her, she should have been able to make this decision on her own, and from my perspective it was the opposite of me not wanting to feel guilty.....she WANTED me to feel guilty if she went back to work, so if it appeared she did it unilaterally I was off the hook. $ got so bad I didnt care about guilt or anything else...they were about to start carting things away from my house if we didnt change directions

Wait 3 degrees? Why in the world has he needed to get 3 degrees?

Luther073082 said:

Wait 3 degrees? Why in the world has he needed to get 3 degrees?

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B.A., M.S., Ph.D or professional degree, I presume.

citizenthom said:

B.A., M.S., Ph.D or professional degree, I presume.

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I assumed same.

I also assume she has BS/BA and wants MA/MS or whatever her next step is. The field is crucial to know though. Its not just about what some HR graph shows potentials are anymore, its about the field and availability of jobs.
If its a "soft" field, likely very few jobs available. The way she said "can increase her earnings 30K, assuming I read correctly, it could be education, i know moving to masters does almost formulaic move the pay up

but Im confused by the term "post graduate 1 year to specialize" that she said
Post grad literally means AFTER PhD. If she has a PhD then Id say that her dream has been sufficiently addressed. If she meant a 1 year course after her bachelors....the fact she says the study will "increase" implies there is a job in her field already....so again, the dream of becoming a _________ is realized, just lacks the specialization

Seems to me they are too busy collecting degree's and not applying themselves.

JMO