Why?

angel, firstly, it's not your fault! don't blame yourself for the things that happen! it's not like you wanted things to be like that! I'm afraid I can't asnwer your question of why, I wish I could, but I can't. I think everyone that has been through things like that wishes they could know why, and some people know possibilities, but unless you have been told by the people who did this, you can't know for sure, everyone is different and people do things for different reasons! sorry for not being able to help, but I jsut wanted you to know that it wasn't anything you were doing!

I always have plenty, even too much, to say about my guys. They are both sexual, verbal and emotional abuse victims....but, me, other than being a victim of their stuff and the neglect from my broken husband, am mostly an 'after marriage' victim. Though, let me tell you, that is plenty and TOO MUCH for me, most days. I lean on Jesus like an addiction, the BEST addiction I've ever had. Sometimes I think the partner I chose is a result of unanswered questions like yours, though.

Long ago, in a day gone by, when I was younger and single....I sounded just like YOU.

I was 'molested' in mild form by three different older men on three different ocassions. Two were the fathers of kids I babysat. Both had nice wives that didn't seem to notice. Both men ickkked me out something awful. I got away from them both before it ever went too far. One, only got to the kissing and I ran....the other, still only to the kissing, but I was trapped in his car, he was driving me home in the snow, drunk and kind of malling me with his hands, too. I remember having such a hard time running from his car in the deep snow.... There was a third, who kissed and ground on me until he satisfied himself, he was a 45 year old junkie, I was a very stoned drug addict of about 17 years old, and we were fully dressed. I didn't try to stop him, I was very scared and stoned. And, there was a fourth...only two years older than me, bigshot on the football team, who wrestled and fought and tried to rape me, but I got away then, too. I ran several miles back to my parent's house in the dark. That was a scary haul. I was still a virgin for all of these incidents.

I was aking myself, all the time actually, what was I DOING that was causing me all this trouble. I felt filthy and violated after everyone of those incidents and couldn't wash myself any harder without damaging my skin. But, never, were these things as bad as the stories as I hear here or from my guys and their families. So, to me, they are just old and dead close calls.

But, when they were happening, I was a mess with it. I didn't know what to do and became pretty afraid of my own sexuality. My Mom and me were never good friends, she's a distant woman who is a serious disconnect with me. I am not mad or troubled by her. I accept her limitations, NOW. But, back then, I needed to be able to share this stuff with her and couldn't. Anyway, the result was that my sexuality becmae a very scary and unknown zone for me. My sister was considered a **** but she was popular with the guys. She scared me, she was out of control. ...and I was considered a little too shy and naive and not 'easy' enough, though beautiful. That movie 'Ten things I hate about you' with Heath Ledger...I'm so that older sister in that movie.

That, in my older more mature opinion, was my biggest difficulty. I was shy, naive, unacquainted with being a woman through my Mom's relative 'asexuality' and just plain lost. I was beautiful ( I know that from others, I guess I can admit it now in old pictures) but I didn't know what to do with it, how to use it or protect it. So, I came off as the naive, easily manipulated, shy beauty. Like the deer in the headlights to the predator type. After these incidents above, I became the hard, cold, can't-get-close-one with men or women, for a long time. I found the Heath Ledger guy, too. But, my guy was more twisted than me. He was tougher, more street smart and very charming. But, he started to show me the brokeness that he hid after we married. And his understanding for mine, it was so easy for him because he had a MOUNTAIN of his own. I'd have rather learned from another woman than deal with his mountain, most days.

So, I don't know if any of this makes any connection with you. I was both unacquainted with, afraid of and without role modeling for sexuality from a Mother who didn't understand her own. No one was sharing female talk or grooming with me about sexuality. So, I was probably cueing men without knowing it; acting coy and naive, because I was coy and naive; and running into some predatory types to boot.

I have only been with fewer men than you can count on one hand...which is rare in this day and age, though not unheard of. I never really had a woman as a mentor in childhood. And, I married into a family that has more brokeness in sexuality than anyone could have ever explained to me. I wouldn't have believed it. I have still never figured out why I am so plagued with sexual misfortunes.

My best guess would be, that I was left to learn about womanhood on my own by a Mom who was a bitter disconnected woman. I have since become an intimately close friend to many lifelong friends who are woman. I am extremely free in talking about all these things now. But, when I needed it, I was without.

So, I wonder what I did to cue these men, to be too naive, to fail in learning to protect myself with proper boundaries in my speech and actions...? I would say, that there are men who wouldn't be stopped, no matter how much you try...because their predator nature will even resort to violence. But, there are many more who would be stopped by a person who is aware and confident enough in her understanding of the effects of her body language and communication. And, yes, there are many predator types who will prey on the ones too young to have developed these.

I guess, in my humble opinion, I would say the first line of defense would be to learn of the effect you are having and communicating. Other woman are a keen measure for this. If you habitually find that woman who have men in their lives withdraw from you, because you are crossing boundaries with 'their' men.....then, maybe you are crossing those boundaries all the time. Or, maybe, you are doing it because no one is helping you see yourself as a good responsible mirror for you. Or, maybe you have been just plain placed in the path of predators too often.

Like I said, I have been plagued with such things always. I'm not sure I'll ever be free. I married with some parts of my ignorance still intact. I am paying for that. I'm trying to learn to survive and I know there is much healing in places like this....you have made a giant step by coming here and opeing your heart toward understanding. Bless you.

I pray for you with all my heart that you overcome this in younger and better shape than I have. I pray Jesus will deliver you to His perfect understanding in all these things. I don't wish this confusion on anyone. May He see fit to unbind you for His glory. Amen.

hey lucy,

Don't compare your pain to anyone else here hunny because its yours and you went thru it and it is a big deal for you ... welcome to SoA feel free to make urself comfy

- Shaz

luv4godremains said:

I think everyone that has been through things like that wishes they could know why, and some people know possibilities, but unless you have been told by the people who did this, you can't know for sure, everyone is different and people do things for different reasons!

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I agree with this. A very easy and simple truth. thanks!

I also think we can empower ourselves with understanding ourselves to avoid tempting or allowing repeated violations against us. We ARE the tool Jesus gave us.

My Doctor mentioned someone - i think it was another dr talk about trauma affecting u in 2 ways and you can either wear it as lead boots and let it drag u under or you can wear as a badge of courage and bring meaning to the suffering you lived thru.

- Shaz

That's awesome, Shaz. I really like that.

Most days, I wear the badge....
others, the boots are NOT made for walking...

guess being human does get to us sometime.

Here's to lightfooted badge wearers!

Shachah said:

That's awesome, Shaz. I really like that.

Most days, I wear the badge....
others, the boots are NOT made for walking...

guess being human does get to us sometime.

Here's to lightfooted badge wearers!

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- shaz

Never ever ever blame yourself for the actions of creeps like this.

Their inner evil seems to guide them.

shazabella said:

My Doctor mentioned someone - i think it was another dr talk about trauma affecting u in 2 ways and you can either wear it as lead boots and let it drag u under or you can wear as a badge of courage and bring meaning to the suffering you lived thru.

- Shaz

Click to expand...

lol, that's soo cool and soo true, I wish it was easier to do the whole badge of courage thing! lol, spose it is, we just have to think of how hard it is when we let it drag us under! Shaz - leep smiling, you're really strong and can definately get through all of this! God bless my angels!

I don't know why it is..but it seems that any man who has perp tendencies can scope out survivors as prey..and feel they have everyright to any indecent act or verbal comment...
I have learned to always have my survivor boundary guard up..and not be afraid to take a stand against these kind of men...I have a right to call out these creeps right on the spot...we don't have to stoop to their level..but we deserve and can stand up to them..by saying no..or saying you have no right to talk about me that way etc..we deserve to be treated with respect....and if we maintain that attitude then others will pick up on it and know we are not in victim mode..
Blessings to you on your healing journey...