Who's wrong in this situation? And what should I do next?

Serving Zion · Sep 20, 2018

LightandDark said:
He's my step-dad.

I don't personally think the hatred and resentment comes from envy. It's something he's grown accustomed to because of what he went through with his previous family. He has countless problems with his siblings, relatives, children, and friends and I'm beginning to think he was the main cause of every single one of those issues because of who he is as a person. When it's 40 verses 1 person, I think we can all guess who the bad one is. If his previous family got rid of him like yesterday's garbage, then it explains a lot about him. He's constantly bad mouthing them, yet never tells us what he did to deserve it...

I will speak to everyone today and get everyone up to speed with these conversations and what to do next. Thank you for the response.

I am always inclined to ask for both sides of the story before making judgements, because his behaviour in the first family and his eventual ejection from it doesn't necessarily mean that he is the one in error (as I mentioned before, that majority opinion isn't necessarily a gauge of quality of opinion .. keep in mind that the world ejected Jesus Christ and they keep doing so to His kind - Isaiah 57:1, Matthew 23:34-35) .. so the question is what came first - the chicken or the egg?

.. since he is expressing that he feels he was treated with injustice, it's obviously a type of cry for help, and when that happens, it can only happen for so long until the answer comes and a person is either healed, or descends into denial in order to continue. So you would have to really sound him out and see whether he has had that opportunity before being able to judge him as being wrong rather than afflicted. I know that there are more physicians who do harm than those who are able to help a suffering man these days (consider Job's story and the three "helpers").

Besides this, I know that some people are beyond helping, and they need to first reach the end of their course for calamity to bring about a change of heart. So I'd be inclined to ask why is he your step-father? .. is your mother having the same problems with him, and if so, then when did it begin being a problem for her? When you say that the whole family is being bothered by it, it implies that there is some entitlement of those ones to expect better conditions.. whereas if your mother and he are content together and the rest of the family is of an age of independence, then righteous judgement might come upon you for whatever consequence befalls him after your actions to eject him (consider whether it could possibly trigger suicide). The Torah of God really is that complex, so far as the spiritual impact of the actions we take.

It's good food for thought in general, because you can't always go ahead and do whatever you think is right without considering the rights of the others whom you are acting against (eg: Mark 10:9, Luke 17:1-2). He is obviously going through a struggle that is proving too much for him to handle alone, and as a family you do have some responsibility to Christ in His redemptive work (Galatians 6:1-2) - and the question is then whether he is willing to cooperate, which is further complicated given the relationship of a commonly implied generational authority (and, that is exactly the nature of the struggle when wrestling a beast).

FatalHeart · Sep 20, 2018

LightandDark said:
Hello all,

I feel the need to come here and post this thread because I can't find what I need anywhere else. I've prayed about this for weeks but nothing is changing.

Without going on for too long, let's get straight to the point...

For those of you who read my previous thread (I feel left out and lost) This is somewhat related to that.

A little over a month ago, I had a verbal altercation with a family member because he was constantly doing something that was bothering everyone at home, and so I decided to be the first person to speak up. I kindly and respectfully asked him to stop doing it because it was irritating everyone, and instead of apologising for it, I was cursed at, called insane, and was told that I was overreacting.

He hasn't spoken to me ever since because he feels he did nothing wrong and that I should be the one apologising for disrespecting him, which I absolutely never did nor was that my intention. Please keep in mind what I asked him to stop doing was extremely simple, it's as ridiculously simple as telling someone to close the door behind them when they leave a room. Is anything of that sort too much to ask for? Yet he apparently felt disrespected and verbally attacked me for bringing it up.

Now, all I could feel for him is bitterness and rage. I constantly have this urge to snap and rip him to shreds for how I was treated, and continue to be treated even though I did nothing wrong. But I am reminded to not repay evil with evil. I've earnestly prayed and sought forgiveness and guidance, but I get no help. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I don't want this to go on forever, but I can't help it because he still haven't stopped doing it despite the big fight we had about it. Whether he's intentionally doing it to irritate me at this point, I do not know. He avoids me when he can and sees no issue with his behaviour at all, despite being told that it was annoying everyone else around him.

Others have spoken to him about it as well but he refuses to give in and accept that his actions are annoying.

I've prayed about it, and had others involved in the issue, but none of those are working and I'm about ready to burst into a full psycho and make his life a living hell, just as he's doing it to me, but that little voice inside my head keeps telling me to not repay evil with evil every single time I think about it.

I get uncomfortable just seeing him around sometimes and that surprises me because I've never thought I'd get to this level of anger and frustration with anyone before. I can't help it. It's on my mind constantly.

I am always open to forgive and forget whenever the opportunity strikes and I want to focus on my relationship with God and follow his will, but I can't focus on the important things due to my family member's inconsiderate behaviour. He leaves no room for us to reconcile...

What should I do?

You are right in your feelings and anger, but you are not right in letting it control you and have done well to avert what you think is justified but isn't. With abusers it is best to distance yourself for the health of everyone. I don't know what lengths you can go to get him out of your life but the fact he mistreated you and continues to abuse you in the way that he had absolutely no concern for you is a dangerous place to allow yourself to continually be in. Whatever your reaction, make sure it has no malice nor is it revenge, but make decisions that will protect you as a person. He will continue to abuse you, but do what you can to get out of the situation and leave him to himself. I promise you, he has no peace.

Serving Zion · Sep 20, 2018

FatalHeart said:
You are right in your feelings and anger, but you are not right in letting it control you and have done well to avert what you think is justified but isn't. With abusers it is best to distance yourself for the health of everyone. I don't know what lengths you can go to get him out of your life but the fact he mistreated you and continues to abuse you in the way that he had absolutely no concern for you is a dangerous place to allow yourself to continually be in. Whatever your reaction, make sure it has no malice nor is it revenge, but make decisions that will protect you as a person. He will continue to abuse you, but do what you can to get out of the situation and leave him to himself. I promise you, he has no peace.

OP: .. and I just say about this as well, that no person is born an abuser, but they become abusive after the world has had it's way with them. So there is potential to accept that he has some merit in his complaints .. but also, unfortunately for you as a likewise undeserving person, he has brought in the baggage of the unresolved resentments he suffered through his first family's dysfunction.. and it's a commonplace situation in our world, not what God has apportioned to humans, but a result of sin having taken control of the world.

If everyone who needs healing is abandoned instead, then all that happens is the bitterness increases and then what is it going to be like for the next family he runs into? .. That's the reality of the situation as I see it, and the world keeps going in that direction because society is now so dysfunctional in general - that is the nature of what the majority considers "normal" advice: "look after yourself first, let him figure out his own problem".

.. but how can it possibly be said that love has prevailed then? .. and as I have said, there are other considerations toward justice that he might well be entitled to being heard, and his expressing of frustration at your lack of compassion for his expressions of misery, is probably a compounding factor of his rowdiness (attention-seeking). You revealed that you have this attitude that is aggravating toward him in post #14:

"His personality should NEVER reflect what he went through and torment us in the process, especially when we had nothing to do with his past."

- in saying this, you are showing that he has been seeking a compassionate, healing response that you believe is not your responsibility to give .. so I wonder then, because you have this attitude toward him, did you ever really love him at all? (I only say this for your benefit, because I know that nobody can ever take the place of a real Mum and Dad, and when a Mum or Dad thinks they can just trade-in the real thing for a sort of upgrade, there's never going to be the fullness of the respect that he deserves from you).

So it's more food for thought for you, because it has become a complex situation in light of all this fact and perspective. I do certainly think you need to all have a family group-chat, and perhaps even get an impartial mediator to help navigate the conversation and make impartial judgements about the merit of everyone's P.O.V's, so that everyone can have their fair say and not get condescended.

Dorothy Mae · Sep 21, 2018

WHen he verbally attacked you, what did the other members there do? Was that attack ok for them? You do not say what the family member relationship is. Do you all live together as in children or parent relationship so you cannot avoid seeing them? Are the other members OK with this situation?

If you live together, is it possible to separate? How can you get some physical space between you and him so you can start to heal so you can forgive him? It is easier to forgive once the event is over and harder when the thing is still ongoing. How difficult is it to avoid occassions when that person is there. He behaves in a way that is difficult for you anyway. Cannot be very pleasant to be in the same room with this guy.

We had some difficult and wounding interactions with my husband's family and when we moved farther away, it got a lot better. We do not see them as often but the encounters are vastly improved. We even look forward to seeing them when we do. Distance helped forgiveness.

marineimaging · Sep 21, 2018

LightandDark said:
Hello all,

I feel the need to come here and post this thread because I can't find what I need anywhere else. I've prayed about this for weeks but nothing is changing.

Without going on for too long, let's get straight to the point...

For those of you who read my previous thread (I feel left out and lost) This is somewhat related to that.

A little over a month ago, I had a verbal altercation with a family member because he was constantly doing something that was bothering everyone at home, and so I decided to be the first person to speak up. I kindly and respectfully asked him to stop doing it because it was irritating everyone, and instead of apologising for it, I was cursed at, called insane, and was told that I was overreacting.

He hasn't spoken to me ever since because he feels he did nothing wrong and that I should be the one apologising for disrespecting him, which I absolutely never did nor was that my intention. Please keep in mind what I asked him to stop doing was extremely simple, it's as ridiculously simple as telling someone to close the door behind them when they leave a room. Is anything of that sort too much to ask for? Yet he apparently felt disrespected and verbally attacked me for bringing it up.

Now, all I could feel for him is bitterness and rage. I constantly have this urge to snap and rip him to shreds for how I was treated, and continue to be treated even though I did nothing wrong. But I am reminded to not repay evil with evil. I've earnestly prayed and sought forgiveness and guidance, but I get no help. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I don't want this to go on forever, but I can't help it because he still haven't stopped doing it despite the big fight we had about it. Whether he's intentionally doing it to irritate me at this point, I do not know. He avoids me when he can and sees no issue with his behaviour at all, despite being told that it was annoying everyone else around him.

Others have spoken to him about it as well but he refuses to give in and accept that his actions are annoying.

I've prayed about it, and had others involved in the issue, but none of those are working and I'm about ready to burst into a full psycho and make his life a living hell, just as he's doing it to me, but that little voice inside my head keeps telling me to not repay evil with evil every single time I think about it.

I get uncomfortable just seeing him around sometimes and that surprises me because I've never thought I'd get to this level of anger and frustration with anyone before. I can't help it. It's on my mind constantly.

I am always open to forgive and forget whenever the opportunity strikes and I want to focus on my relationship with God and follow his will, but I can't focus on the important things due to my family member's inconsiderate behaviour. He leaves no room for us to reconcile...

What should I do?

Very different situation but I believe this will help. I had just gone through 6 months watching my dad die from a stroke that occurred post-op and that had wore on me, having to drive hours each way every weekend, work all week, back home, back to work..., worried about mom...,. This guy at work then said something to me that sparked a severe emotional reaction from me and I said a lot of things that I was regretting as they came out of my mouth but I couldn't stop myself. Everybody, upon hearing about it, applauded because they said he deserved it. No, we were both in the wrong. After I cooled off I wanted so bad to make it right and prayed for weeks over it. At work it didn't get any better. One day I girded my loins and went to his door to apologize. He literally cursed me out and slammed the door in my face. Finally, I was at a breaking point and closed my door and got on my knees and prayed again (for about the 50th time). Quietly, the Holy Spirit reminded me, "You have approached him, started to ask for forgiveness and he slammed the door in your face. You have prayed and you have anguished over it and he has not come to you once to resolve it. Now, as you instructed in the Bible, take it before the "council"." I stood up, turned on the light, and opened the door thinking about that when one of the other salesmen stopped at my door and said, "Time for the sales meeting." I had completely forgotten about the meeting and hurried to the meeting room.

As we were sitting there I realized how these were my peers and this was the "council". I didn't interrupt the meeting but when it came my time I stood up and in front of everyone I apologized to him for my part. I said I was wrong and asked him to forgive me. I heaped coals of contritness upon upon his head. I could tell he was about to reject me again when he looked around and realized there was no way he could. Then the men said something themselves which put it to bed once and for all.

Your family is paying for this too. Get everyone (the council) together and get all of them involved. If you can, all of you make this a circle prayer and seek the Lords involvement together and bring it to a close because short of a miracle healing of you or him that is the only way to bring this to an end.

Who's wrong in this situation? And what should I do next?

Serving Zion

Seek First His Kingdom & Righteousness

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FatalHeart

Wisdom's Associate

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Serving Zion

Seek First His Kingdom & Righteousness

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Dorothy Mae

Well-Known Member

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marineimaging

Texas Baptist now living in Colorado

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Who's wrong in this situation? And what should I do next?

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