Who have you lost and how have you dealt with it?

Phileo · Dec 11, 2003

I wonder if there is a wrong way to grieve... my loss is just effecting me this year for the first time and I know it's about the holidays and all... usually I just tell myself that I will deal with grieveing and mourning later... but I really feel the loss right now... maybe it is due to this thread.

But I am glad that you were able to mourn and express your grief, and I am truly sorry for your loss.

Living4Him03 · Dec 11, 2003

I lost my grandfather when I was 12. I was very close to him and it was very difficult for me to deal with. His death was a total shock to our family. He had been giving me a ride to school in the mornings and he'd always give me a $1 or 2 for ice cream money or lunch money or whatever I wanted to use it for. He didn't need to, my mom had already given me a lunch, but he always did anyway. He was a very giving and loving person and had a heart for poor people. He evangelized in his neighborhood frequently. I guess he kind of left me hislegacy! That's something that definitely helps me. I know it's cliche but it also helps to remember that he is in heaven and that I will see him again someday

I know he loved me and it was difficult to cope, but it has helped to have the support of other family and friends, prayer, allowing myself to grieve, and realizing the hope that is in Christ. My grandmother gave me his Navy medals and some pictures of a ship he was on. I am planning to put display up in our house with his medals and the pictures in memory of him. I really miss him but I know someday I will be able to say, "Hey, it's you, long time no see! How ya been?" It helps to remember that crying and grieving for someone's death are natural responses and are okay.

Tsaxgurl317 · Dec 11, 2003

I lost two friends in October, Ryan(18) on the 24th in a car wreck and Mary(17) by drug overdose.

"An 18-year-old T**** man was killed in a two-vehicle accident Friday on Farm to Market Road 15, the department of public safety said.

The accident, involving a 1999 Chevrolet SUV and a 2000 Mack truck tractor, occurred five miles east of Arp.

Ryan W, 18, was pronounced dead at 11:25 p.m. White, driving the Chevrolet SUV, was traveling eastbound on FM 15, investigators reported. as White entered a curve in the roadway, his vehicle went into the westbound lane. Howard A, driving the 2000 Mack truck tractor westbound, attempted to avoid the collision, steering to the right edge of the roadway. White's vehicle struck Adams' truck, then struck the loaded pole trailer towed by Adams. White's vehicle rolled twice and then came to rest on the eastbound edge of the roadway. It was undetermined if White was wearing a seat belt."

Please DON'T SPEED....IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!

I've delt pretty well, I still think about them a lot, Losing Mary was especially hard because she was one of the first people i met when i moved here, and one of my few friends...and Ryan was someone who i've known my whole life and so losing him was hard too but distance prevented me from attending his funeral....

GreenEyedLady · Dec 11, 2003

There is no wrong way to grieve Phileo. I have sorta plundged myself into it so that maybe I could get over it. Well that will never happen. I think that I have just tried to stay so busy in hope that I am not taken in by the pain.
The Lord and getting closer to HIM might have taken alot of it away.
GEL

Phileo · Dec 11, 2003

Today, I have really put forth the effort to acknowledge my losses, and I have made a commitment to purpose within myself to let it out. I am so... hard on the outside and inside I am a dam that needs to flow. I have had to handle the things that were necessary and be the backbone and shoulder for those left behind... I think it is now time for me to release my grief and make admissions that this is the root of my every holiday ho-hum attititude problem.

Thanks for creating this thread... If I'd never responded in the first place I would have never thought about any of this!

Jesus-is-the-1 · Dec 12, 2003

It truly saddens me to hear of everyone's loses. My heart goes out to you all. I had several people that were fairly close to me die this year. However, the hardest was my best friend of 15 years. SHe was killed at age 24 in a car accident. I miss her so much, and I grieve daily, yet I don't feel like I've accepted the reality of it all. I guess time and God will bring it out and begin my healing. It saddens me even more because I haven't given this grief over to God yet.

evita · Dec 13, 2003

I'm so sorry for everyone's losses, and I think that it's a good point to make that you need to be patient with yourself and your grieving. That was told to me by a really smart man when my grandmother died, and it really helped. I mean people in the US tend to think that after the funeral the sadness and tears should be over with, well my grandma is more than a weekend of crying! And I know your loved ones are too! So it's ok to be sad...and let yourself cry. We should also try to remember how much luckier they are for being in heaven instead of being here still! (that is hard to do I know, because we miss them so much!)

Salsa_1960 · Dec 13, 2003

My husband abandoned our family in February of 2002 for another woman who was a little "hotter to trot."

I lost my 10 year old daughter, (Jennifer), in a traffic accident last year. She was riding her bicycle to her youngest sister's school to bring her lunch (which I had forgotten to pack). On her way, she was run over by a semi-truck.
Jennifer's Page:http://www.geocities.com/sandymeyers/rememberingjenny.html

I also (in a way) lost my youngest daughter, (Elizabeth), to placement earlier this year. Elizabeth is autistic and profoundly mentally retarded. After the tragedy of her sister's death and without any respite care, (which is "babysitting-like assistance"/relief that is normally given to families that have special needs children), I just couldn't having her at home anymore. She requires constant (24/7) attention and I have another daughter to also care for. She is living in a group home which is over an hour away but because I am unable to drive (health reasons) and have no family nearby to take me to visit her, I only see her about once a month. My counselor and I were just talking about this situation last week. People were very supporitve when my oldest daughter died, but I received minimal support after placing my youngest daughter, Elizabeth, in a group home. Most others didn't see that I was feeling a loss for my youngest as well-- that I had in essence lost 2 daughters. Not just one.
Elizabeth's Page: http://www.geocities.com/sandymeyers/elizabeth.html

I have my middle daughter, Amy (now age 9) living with me. It's just the 2 of us now. We are both receiving counseling, but we still haven't adjusted to the changes-- the losses.
Amy's Page: http://www.geocities.com/sandymeyers/amy.html

Ways I have dealt with my losses are through "Grief Share" (a Christ-based support group), friends, counseling, and escapism. (Yes, escapism). Sometimes we can only handle a little bit at a time. When Jennifer died, I was numb for the longest time. So much so that I felt that there was something wrong with me. ("Why am I not so upset?" "How come I'm not crying so much about this?"). After placing Elizabeth, I let a lot of my guard down. I think I was on "hyper-alert" because Elizabeth required so much attention. (She kept me on guard so much so that I was unable to relax and truly mourn).

I'm gradually dealing with what I've lost and I need to let go of my defenses more and more. (And I am-- but am still a bit "numb"). Perhaps "numbness" is a gift from God, but I need to give that gift back and really have a good cry. (I rarely have one). Counseling has helped in this area.

~Sandy

Salsa_1960 · Dec 13, 2003

Phileo said:
...The insult came when the Pastor called me 3 days before Mama's funeral, and said, "You all really need to work on your faith. If there had been more faith in your prayers, your mother would have been healed. (That really hurt me)....

Phileo,
In my family there are a lot of chronic illnesses. I can recall attending a church as a teenager and being told that my faith was not strong enough because I was not healed of one of them in particular (epilepsy).

I wish I had at that time known these verses. (Maybe they will be of comfort to you in the future):

2nd Corinthians 12:7-10
7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Photini · Dec 14, 2003

Phileo said:
I wonder if there is a wrong way to grieve....

I don't think so....my problem was that I didn't grieve--at least not until much later. Instead I turned to heavy drug use and became very rebellious (I was 18). I think it took me nearly 2 years before I started to grieve. I put my poor family through alot during that.

God bless you Phileo...I pray God will comfort you.

Phileo · Dec 14, 2003

sandinmyears said:
Phileo,
....I wish I had at that time known these verses. (Maybe they will be of comfort to you in the future):

2nd Corinthians 12:7-10

7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

AMEN!

Phileo · Dec 14, 2003

Photini said:
I don't think so....my problem was that I didn't grieve--at least not until much later. Instead I turned to heavy drug use and became very rebellious (I was 18). I think it took me nearly 2 years before I started to grieve. I put my poor family through alot during that.

God bless you Phileo...I pray God will comfort you.

Thank you Photini... This year I am realizing that I have not taken the time to grieve... and I am making a concerted effort to evaluate what has happened, and look at it for real. I usually make busy and tell myself that I will look into it later... I just don't want to cry about it. It seems that when I cry it actually causes me physical pain so I rarely if ever will I cry. I mean I feel the flood of tears behind the flood gates within me... but I just supress them and tell myself, that I will release at a more appropriate time. (prolly I am not making much sense) But I hold on to the Lord's hand letting Him lead me through it at this time. Posting to this thread has made me look at myself and my situation.

Nicci · Dec 15, 2003

I lost my best friend when I was 13...that was six years ago. It still feels like yesterday though. Christmas time is always really hard, b/c our families spent every Christmas together when we were little. I lost my other best friend when I was 14. I know what it's like to feel cheated. I have friends now who have been friends with eachother their whole lives. They share the same bond with eachother that I had with my friends. I spent a lot of time angry (at God mostly) when they died, but now I guess I'm adjusted. I know He didn't do it out of spite and I'm not angry anymore. I don't think you ever really accept the death of someone close to you. Your mind just can't reconcile it...in my experience at least. I've adjusted, but I have not accepted.

TCapp · Dec 16, 2003

My paternal grampa died on March 21 of this year (my mom's birthday). I don't think I have grieved. I think I turned off my ability to cry years and years ago, and except for rare moments, I don't cry very much.

My bestest best girl friends' father died August 2001. It affected me, but I have not really grieved him, either.

My friend, Mary, died November of last year. I think she was the first friend that I made, on my own, when I moved up to the Yukon. (My husband already had a number of friends, and while I also consider them friends, the relationship didn't start with me.) She visited every week, and gave me input on raising children. (She came for that very reason because that was her job, and I needed help after my first was born). She was like a surrogate grandma to my kids. Their real grandparents live thousands of miles away.

Her death came as a real shock. I knew she wasn't well . . . but I guess I was figuring she'd recover enough to be alive for longer. . . .

And is it only now that I feel the tears flow? Yes, they come. I can only get out a smidge of crying at a time. See? It's already over.

She made me feel like I wasn't a complete idiot at raising children. She praised my ingenuity, even with my inexperience at parenting.

. . . and a few more tears fought their way out . . .

A few more older friends died after I moved from my hometown. One, Juanita, was a mother of four girls. She was such a beautiful lady. A church friend. And the other, a young grandfather (like 50ish-something), died of a heart attack. Also a church friend.

Two things are frustrating to me. They might be related. One is that it is hard to grieve even though I miss them. The second is that, except for one, they were all thousands of miles away from me at the time . . . giving me no chance for closure. It almost gives it a sense of non-reality. I already missed them in the sense that I didn't get to see them anyway, due to distance. It doesn't quite "feel" different, "feel" like they are gone, because their absence is not immediately noticeable.

I think I grieve more for the friend who lived here in the same city, because her absence cannot be ignored. . . .

Sometimes life kicks you in the teeth. And you want to stop smiling in order to deprive it of more targets.

* kittie * · Dec 17, 2003

sandinmyears said:
My husband abandoned our family in February of 2002 for another woman who was a little "hotter to trot."

I lost my 10 year old daughter, (Jennifer), in a traffic accident last year. She was riding her bicycle to her youngest sister's school to bring her lunch (which I had forgotten to pack). On her way, she was run over by a semi-truck.
Jennifer's Page:http://www.geocities.com/sandymeyers/rememberingjenny.html

I also (in a way) lost my youngest daughter, (Elizabeth), to placement earlier this year. Elizabeth is autistic and profoundly mentally retarded. After the tragedy of her sister's death and without any respite care, (which is "babysitting-like assistance"/relief that is normally given to families that have special needs children), I just couldn't having her at home anymore. She requires constant (24/7) attention and I have another daughter to also care for. She is living in a group home which is over an hour away but because I am unable to drive (health reasons) and have no family nearby to take me to visit her, I only see her about once a month. My counselor and I were just talking about this situation last week. People were very supporitve when my oldest daughter died, but I received minimal support after placing my youngest daughter, Elizabeth, in a group home. Most others didn't see that I was feeling a loss for my youngest as well-- that I had in essence lost 2 daughters. Not just one.
Elizabeth's Page: http://www.geocities.com/sandymeyers/elizabeth.html

I have my middle daughter, Amy (now age 9) living with me. It's just the 2 of us now. We are both receiving counseling, but we still haven't adjusted to the changes-- the losses.
Amy's Page: http://www.geocities.com/sandymeyers/amy.html

Ways I have dealt with my losses are through "Grief Share" (a Christ-based support group), friends, counseling, and escapism. (Yes, escapism). Sometimes we can only handle a little bit at a time. When Jennifer died, I was numb for the longest time. So much so that I felt that there was something wrong with me. ("Why am I not so upset?" "How come I'm not crying so much about this?"). After placing Elizabeth, I let a lot of my guard down. I think I was on "hyper-alert" because Elizabeth required so much attention. (She kept me on guard so much so that I was unable to relax and truly mourn).

I'm gradually dealing with what I've lost and I need to let go of my defenses more and more. (And I am-- but am still a bit "numb"). Perhaps "numbness" is a gift from God, but I need to give that gift back and really have a good cry. (I rarely have one). Counseling has helped in this area.

~Sandy

I'm so sorry.

...

PreacherJoe · Dec 18, 2003

Like many others here I have been through some close personal losses. My wife lost her 16 year old sister in 1992 in a car wreck. My father died suddenly of a stroke in 1996 and my wife's mother died from Melanoma cancer in 2001 at only 52 yrs. old. The loss that hit me the hardest though was my 36 year old brother who had four children at home. He found out he had leukemia in Aug. 2001 and died six weeks later. The thing that helps me the most is the knowledge of my loved ones faith while they were living. My wife and I also come from large families so we have many to lean on and at times of grief it is important that you have a loving church family which we have. I have five children of my own and I live life for them and for the Lord. Grief can certainly be consuming. Good Thread.

kiwiky · Dec 20, 2003

hi all, just wanted to say me and my fiancee broke up 5 months ago...Its been a hard time..up and down..I have learn't to let go of him are still finding it hard at times..I truely believe GOd has been good at these times, he has given me the faith to move on. I do believe God took away for a reason what i don't know..God is good and wortthy to be praised always..

Stanfi · Dec 21, 2003

I lost my paternal grandfather Feb 1, 1999, and my paternal grandmother Dec 22, 2000. I can never accuratley explain their significance in words. They were bigger than life, the true head the their family. Even in their elder years they took care of everyone.

The Holidays are not the same without them, everthing about our family has changed without them being at the head. The Christmas of 2000 was really hard, as we spend the day at the funeral home.

I miss them dearly, and I don't think I realized how much they meant to me unitl they were gone. I credit a huge part of who I am today because of their influence on me. They came from a different generation, they don't make people like that anymore.

I am able to cope, being thankful, I was able to know my grandparents, even into my adulthood, many never have that oppourtunity, and their influence lives on in me today. I aslo know that I will see them again in heaven. I rest assured in that fact.

This time last year I had a young lady in my life who meant a great deal to me. She exited my life, and the loss and pain have been very real. This Christmas I cannot hardly bear the season. Christmas music and lights just grate my nerves, and this is normally my favorite holiday. The only assurance I have here is that time will eventually heal these wounds.

Injured Soldier · Dec 21, 2003

Phileo said:
I wonder if there is a wrong way to grieve...

I certainly think there is. Not that I'm saying anyone is doing it wrong here, except me that is. I think the most worrying thing people get wrong about grief is they don't talk about it, which automatically disqualifies everyone here. Even if people refuse to talk about it, I can't blame them, other people tend to not want to listen to people with problems, or offer snappy intellectual advice such as "Time heals all wounds" if someone close to the griver has died, or "There are plenty of fish in the sea" if you've had a marriage or other romantic breakup. Beyond that, most people would prefer to change the subject. Society has a way of tiptoeing around the subject of loss. And the majority of people who are grieving give up after awhile and put on a brave face. I've been there, done that.

I'm really saddened by your losses, and touched by the paths you are walking to recover. There is greater faith here than I've seen anywhere else in a long time.

My loss is going to sound incredibly stupid to everyone here, because the person I've lost is myself. I got very sick suddenly in 1998 when I was 21, and took a long time to recover, but never recovered well enough to carry on with my old job, or do much of what I used to do. I loved my work and was angry to see that door closed to me. I also used to be a youth leader, which I thought I would do for the rest of my life, but I found when I returned to it I couldn't relate to anyone and didn't feel they were my family anymore. My old friends have all moved on to careers, wives and families and houses and cars. My biological family aren't Christian, and most discussions I have with them they get all defensive and attack God or the church.

I have gone to university with the hopes of being a teacher, and I while I am a year away from leaving uni and getting a job, I feel miles away from anyone in life, I have no car, few possessions and few friends willing to talk about it. I constantly and know Jesus is walking with me, but I feel that I'm drowning and the waves are washing over my head, and feel that the plan God had for me has been tossed out the window. I'm just taking a day at a time though, but it's hard when you're lonely.

thereselittleflower · Dec 22, 2003

We lost our firstborn, and only son, to SIDS at 3 months of age (to the day) 15 years ago . . . a few days after Thanksgiving . .

I never know how this is going to affect me over the holidays . .whether I think about him much or not . .

Several years after he died, I thought things were OK . .then one Christmas - probably 8 years later, it hit me really hard . . I couldn't even think of Christmas or get ready for it, or for our other children until a couple days before Christmas . .

Such a loss, and any loss, can come back in force when you least expect it, years later . .

So now, as the holidays approach, if I find myself feeling dispondent, I find myself reminiding myself that it is probably because of losing Jonathan. and then knowing the source of the feelings it helps to deal with them more effectively putting everything into perspective . .

What have we done to deal with our loss? Because he died of SIDS, there are strong support groups to help people through such a crisis . . and without such a support group, I probably would have been a mess at one point I thank God that they were there . . For those who have experienced other losses, Compassionate Friends are a great group to go to and I highly recommend doing so .. I cannot express how incredibly helpful it is to have a group of people who can share your loss with you because they intimately understand it . .

We have kept an 8x10 picture of him in our living room with everyone else's . . our children know they have a brother in heaven . .

Though there is no longer a gaping, raw and bleeding wound in my heart, God's love and time has healed it, the loss never leaves . . . . the love I feel for him is bitter sweet . . . it helps to remember him here, sharing him and our loss with you . .

(as a tear falls, I smile remembering . . . .. )

Peace in Him!

Who have you lost and how have you dealt with it?

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