Which is more important, your relationship with your child(ren) or your spouse?

FaithPrevails · May 9, 2011

Umaro said:
Alright, we can look at a more neutral choice then. One of my friends had this the other day. He wanted to take his wife and go see Black Swan, the kid wanted to see some kids movie. They don't have the money to go out that often, and he ended up seeing some kids movie I'm sure neither parent really was interested in.

That was your friend's choice to see the kid movie. The right choice, too, IMO - if they couldn't afford a sitter as well as the movie, then it would have been irresponsible to take the kid to an adult movie (something else I've seen you complain about, I think ).

If your friend didn't want to see the kid movie, then he needed to find alternative care for his child rather than taking the child along.

It's not as complex as you want to make it out to be, IMO.

If a woman you dated was a poor example of being able to balance a dating relationship with the needs of her kids, I don't think it's fair to label all parents as behaving that way - which is what it seems like you are doing.

That said, if a parent is a single parent, then their child(ren) most definitely should be the priority over someone they are dating until that relationship moves from casual to serious. (Speaking as a former single mom, here).

Umaro · May 10, 2011

FaithPrevails said:
That was your friend's choice to see the kid movie. The right choice, too, IMO - if they couldn't afford a sitter as well as the movie, then it would have been irresponsible to take the kid to an adult movie (something else I've seen you complain about, I think ).

If your friend didn't want to see the kid movie, then he needed to find alternative care for his child rather than taking the child along.

It's not as complex as you want to make it out to be, IMO.

If a woman you dated was a poor example of being able to balance a dating relationship with the needs of her kids, I don't think it's fair to label all parents as behaving that way - which is what it seems like you are doing.

That said, if a parent is a single parent, then their child(ren) most definitely should be the priority over someone they are dating until that relationship moves from casual to serious. (Speaking as a former single mom, here).

The issue wasn't having someone to watch the child. It was:

1) Go see adult movie as husband and wife,
2) Go see kid movie as husband, wife, and kid.

The wife voted with the kid after some of his whining, and my friend was sort of left with:

1) Go see kid movie
2) Don't see kid movie, enter dog house.

I'm not saying it's complex, I'm trying to determine how much truth there is to the trending I see. It's not a hard issue, and it's not a right or wrong one even. I just wonder statistically, which side ends up getting priority in a neutral choice more often.

FaithPrevails · May 10, 2011

Umaro said:
The issue wasn't having someone to watch the child. It was:

1) Go see adult movie as husband and wife,
2) Go see kid movie as husband, wife, and kid.

The wife voted with the kid after some of his whining, and my friend was sort of left with:

1) Go see kid movie
2) Don't see kid movie, enter dog house.

I'm not saying it's complex, I'm trying to determine how much truth there is to the trending I see. It's not a hard issue, and it's not a right or wrong one even. I just wonder statistically, which side ends up getting priority in a neutral choice more often.

LOL I love how you skew things. The wife gave into the kid and the friend was in the dog house if he didn't give in. Shame on your friend for allowing his wife/kid to create the obviously unbalanced family dynamic they have going on, IMO.

My husband and I don't get out much b/c we have kids and can't always afford a sitter or have family available to watch them for us. But, if I had an opportunity to get out with just my hubby - I most certainly wouldn't let a little whining from my kids derail that.

That's an issue between your friend and his wife that he needs to address and set straight, IMO.

Unless that's just your opinion of it b/c you think he got "bullied" into doing what the kid wanted.

I mean, honestly, your intense dislike for kids is hardly masked and you are skewing this with heavy bias. You're going to see it as unfair/kid-centric b/c that's how you choose to see it. Not everyone sees things the way you do, though.

Umaro · May 10, 2011

FaithPrevails said:
LOL I love how you skew things. The wife gave into the kid and the friend was in the dog house if he didn't give in. Shame on your friend for allowing his wife/kid to create the obviously unbalanced family dynamic they have going on, IMO.

I do blame my friend and his wife for falling into that position. That's sort of the point. I want to see how commonly people fall into that pitfall.

Unless that's just your opinion of it b/c you think he got "bullied" into doing what the kid wanted.

I mean, honestly, your intense dislike for kids is hardly masked and you are skewing this with heavy bias. You're going to see it as unfair/kid-centric b/c that's how you choose to see it. Not everyone sees things the way you do, though.

I'm not denying I'm pretty biased on the issue, but it's not an entirely unfounded bias. It's pretty common for husbands and some wives to feel neglected after a baby arrives, and a quick google search is all you need.

For instance:

I have a 3 month old baby and he's my whole world. I love him so much and I'm a SAHM right now. I want to go back to work next year tho. I'm 22 and before I had my baby I used to go out all the time and I used to have many friends. I'm 22 and ever since I had the baby I lost all my friends, they didn't understand me or thought it was too much talk and pictures of my baby. But they don't understand so I don't have any friends anymore. I have been home ever since I had him and I don't want to leave him. My husband works and he loves our baby very much too but he thinks that I have lost myself since I became a mom. He wants us to have some alone time sometimes and he would like me to become social and go out with friends without the baby and have some alone time. He thinks that it's unhealthy for me to want to just be with the baby and be at home all the time but he doesn't understand. I think he's just feeling neglected. He should know that my baby is my life and that I don't want to leave her with a relative to go out one night. Parent Best: Has your husband felt neglected since you had the baby?

This girl presumably used to go out with the guy and her friends, but after having a child has decided it's the only thing that really matters, and that "he just doesn't understand." She also claims her friends left because all she talked about was the baby, also saying "they don't understand." You might say it's an isolated minority, but all the other commenters seem to agree with her. I'm sure her husband feels completely betrayed, it's not even close to what he signed up for going into that relationship.

Or there's the "all I talk about is baby, why is that bad?" comments I find:

I'll make time for him when he's home, but how do I get him to get to know his daughter? He says I force her on him all the time. I'm a stay at home mom, so when he asks me "whats up?" naturally the answer involves the baby. -Bradi

My DH and I go out of our way to read up on topics so we have a something other than the kids to talk about when we go out on a 'date'. -TwinzTwice
Husband feels neglected. - Parenting Advice - BabyCenter.

That second one particularly stuck out to me. If I have to go out of my way to research conversation topics ahead of time that don't involve children, I don't think you can call it a health relationship.

Some women won't even leave the baby for a "date night" it seems.

Personally, I don't like doing "date nights", I don't feel comfortable leaving baby, so instead we just try to find time for hugs, kisses, and cuddles. Positive, frequent touches (I don't just mean sex! Haha) helps to keep us feeling "bonded". -Krystal
Relationship with spouse after baby - June 2009 Babies - Circle of Moms

So it's not an entirely unfounded belief that many men feel/are neglected after a third member arrives, and it's not always a trait you could pick out before a child changes mindsets.

c1ners · May 10, 2011

If a husband wants to go out with his wife, he/they need to get a sitter for the child. If they decide to take the child with them, they will have to compromise and do something that is kid friendly.

It would have been very irresponsible to take the child to the movies and expect the child to see a grown up movie or to sit all by himself at the kid movie.

Once again............If your friend wanted to be alone with his wife he should have gotten a sitter for the child. It's that simple.

Umaro · May 10, 2011

c1ners said:
If a husband wants to go out with his wife, he/they need to get a sitter for the child. If they decide to take the child with them, they will have to compromise and do something that is kid friendly.

It would have been very irresponsible to take the child to the movies and expect the child to see a grown up movie or to sit all by himself at the kid movie.

Once again............If your friend wanted to be alone with his wife he should have gotten a sitter for the child. It's that simple.

Getting a sitter wasn't the issue. It could easily have been done. The issue became his wife deciding she wanted to spend time with the child instead of him alone, which more often than not is the choice she makes and he's unhappy with.

FaithPrevails · May 10, 2011

Umaro, I don't disagree that it is difficult for couples to balance alone time vs. kid time once a child joins the family. I addressed that in my first post in the thread.

FaithPrevails said:
My children are an extension of me. The love I have for them is different (not greater or lesser, mind you) than the love I have for my husband.

The issue that you are observing, IMO, is that kids do demand a lot of time/attention - especially when they are younger. Couples have to work at making sure they carve out time for making one another a priority in the midst of the demands of keeping up with young children.

As children get older, time becomes a more available/less precious commodity and couples find it easier to devote more time to one another again.

That time spent together helps maintain/deepen a bond that a couple has (and, likewise, that the couple has with their children when their children are young). This is why it's important to make the time to make each other a priority when kids are young - so the couple's bond doesn't suffer. The failure to do so is what contributes to "empty nest syndrome" and divorces once children are grown and gone, IMO. My parents never suffered empty nest syndrome b/c they spent quality time together as we were growing up.

Has your friend addressed this issue with his wife and made it known to her that he desires alone time with her? If the wife is constantly deferring to the child, then either she is unaware of the dynamic she is creating or she is intentionally creating it, IMO. For example, my aunt and uncle are unhappily married and once my cousin was born, my aunt happily focused all of her attention on my cousin and made my cousin the number one priority. Even at 17/18 years old I was able to observe this and understand what she was doing. It's not rocket science and couples that fall into this "trap" fall there b/c one or both are unwilling to address what causes them to fall there in the first place, IMO.

FaithPrevails · May 10, 2011

With regards to babies - infants under the age of 1 require a lot more mindshare/energy than older children do. Unfortunately, a lot of couples don't see this as a phase of parenting that they will outgrow as their children get older. They unintentionally (or sometimes intentionally) use this demanding time to set the tone of the marital relationships and where the priorities lie.

I wouldn't leave a 3 month old baby overnight, either - especially since I breastfed all 3 of my children exclusively at that age. But, that doesn't mean I am neglecting my husband. I am simply acknowledging that our family dynamic is leaning more towards being kid-centric b/c of the needs of a newborn in the house.

Our youngest isn't quite a year and we leave her with a sitter or family member about once a month for date night. It is important for us to have that time and we know it. She will be old enough this Fall that we will leave her with my parents to take an anniversary weekend trip.

But, I also didn't have children so that I could ditch them with a sitter or Grandma/Grandpa to go out and live the "single/child-free" life, either. So, no, I wouldn't make a regular habit of it.

Which is more important, your relationship with your child(ren) or your spouse?

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