Where are the potholes in the road before me ?

ido · Jan 7, 2009

MyKidsDaddy said:
Sometimes I just want to throw up. She was back talking and seeing bf#3 last night. I called the number for the phone bf had given her. I used *67 to block my number intentionally to see if she would ask me about it later. Well...I sent her a txt msg.... "Goodbye" then followed with another, "That way, you'll have no more 'Drama' from me." She called me and I thought about ignoring it but was curious as to what she would have to say. She asked what the txt msg meant. I asked her if she still had his phone. She lied and said no. I replied "That's interesting, are you sure?" She finally admitted she still had it. That she 'tried' to give it back when she told him goodbye on Dec 26. I told her she should have tried a little harder." I added, "I'm done listening to you lie to me." "Before you can be honest with me, you need to figure out how to be honest with yourself. If that takes you x number of days/weeks/ months then so be it, but don't talk to me if your words are coloured in lies".

I'm just so totally exhausted. At this point I don't want to see her, talk to her, or anything. Aaaarrrrrrggggggg.

I don't think blocking your number and calling or texting to see what would happen is such a great idea. If you still don't believe or trust that she has ended the affairs and are resorting to this kind of stuff, then I would say that it's time for YOU to make a decision to move on or accept that this is how she chooses to live her life. I don't think you want to go through your marriage opting for the latter, so it's time to take responsibility for yourself and your own emotional well-being. Trust can only be repaired if the person who broke it is actively working to regain it. If you still don't trust her enough that you're having to do these things to "test" her, then I would say that there probably is a good chance that things won't get better between the two of you. You will continue distrusting and she will continue lying and cheating. Neither of you is really breaking the pattern. KWIM?

I'm all for people trying to save their marriage, but everyone has their breaking point and you seem to have reached yours.

Enacielle777 · Jan 7, 2009

The biggest pothole I can see is how you will react. Will you be able to love her...really love her after what she has done? Will you trust her? When she calls to say she is working late, will you believe her? When she says there was a line at the grocery store, will you wonder who she was with? You have mentioned a lot of concerns. 22 years is a long time, you are right.

My husband walked out after 10 years of marriage. 9 years ago we separated for 3 years because he beat me and I needed to be safe. During those 3 years, he had affairs, but never admitted to them. I know from others and to this day he never admitted it. I realized just a few weeks ago that I stopped loving him the minute I found out he had been with someone else. I never could get that out of my mind. I stopped loving him and trusting him and our marriage slowly deteriorated to even less than it was. Now I look back and sometimes wish that I had just had the faith to leave 9 years ago instead of taking him back 6 years ago.

You have to do what is best for you. You should get counseling and be sure you listen and take it in. If you won't trust her, don't hold her in prison. That is what we did to each other and now 10 years of our lives are down the drain and there is a baby without a dad who has to pay the price.

I will be praying that the Lord show you the right direction and that you are willing to go wherever HE would have you go.

MyKidsDaddy · Jan 8, 2009

flnativegrl said:
I'm all for people trying to save their marriage, but everyone has their breaking point and you seem to have reached yours.

And that is what bothers me the most. Not sure exactly why, but it does. I wanted things to get better, but it seems as though she doesn't. Not much more to say than that.

Thanks to everyone praying for me. May G-d bless each and every one of you in ways that you need.

MKD

ido · Jan 8, 2009

MyKidsDaddy said:
And that is what bothers me the most. Not sure exactly why, but it does. I wanted things to get better, but it seems as though she doesn't. Not much more to say than that.

Thanks to everyone praying for me. May G-d bless each and every one of you in ways that you need.

MKD

It bothers you because you truly did want things to get better. I know, I've so been there. But, it really does take both parties to make it work. My ex wanted to continue behaving badly and expected that I was just going to tolerate it. Why? Because divorce is wrong and un-Godly...that was HIS justification. He basically thought he should be able to be unfaithful and abusive and I was just supposed to put up with it.

I thought so, too, for several years until I reached MY breaking point.

MyKidsDaddy · Jan 12, 2009

flnativegrl said:
It bothers you because you truly did want things to get better. I know, I've so been there. But, it really does take both parties to make it work. My ex wanted to continue behaving badly and expected that I was just going to tolerate it. Why? Because divorce is wrong and un-Godly...that was HIS justification. He basically thought he should be able to be unfaithful and abusive and I was just supposed to put up with it.

I thought so, too, for several years until I reached MY breaking point.

I believe I have just reached my breaking point. I called my wife on Friday afternoon hoping to go out with her that evening. I thought she may have been scheduled to work...(She rarely lets me know her schedule other than the standard..."I'm off on Monday and Tuesday"). Anyway, she tells me shes not working and when I ask her out, she tells me she has plans. I asked her what they were and she said "Out to dinner". I asked with whom and after a pregnant pause...she said her sister. I knew then that she was not being honest, and that BF#2, whom she just told me on Dec 24 she would not see anymore, was the date. She did admit if was him. She said it was his birthday. When I inquired about her comment on the 24th....she had nothing to say. Then she added, "I said I would not see him if / when we start counseling". I lossed it at that point. I told her that excuse was basically assuring me that she would NEVER start counseling....why would she.....it would mean giving up the BF.

I'm finished with the deceit and lies. I see no other way out.

ido · Jan 12, 2009

MyKidsDaddy said:
I believe I have just reached my breaking point. I called my wife on Friday afternoon hoping to go out with her that evening. I thought she may have been scheduled to work...(She rarely lets me know her schedule other than the standard..."I'm off on Monday and Tuesday"). Anyway, she tells me shes not working and when I ask her out, she tells me she has plans. I asked her what they were and she said "Out to dinner". I asked with whom and after a pregnant pause...she said her sister. I knew then that she was not being honest, and that BF#2, whom she just told me on Dec 24 she would not see anymore, was the date. She did admit if was him. She said it was his birthday. When I inquired about her comment on the 24th....she had nothing to say. Then she added, "I said I would not see him if / when we start counseling". I lossed it at that point. I told her that excuse was basically assuring me that she would NEVER start counseling....why would she.....it would mean giving up the BF.

I'm finished with the deceit and lies. I see no other way out.

I'm sorry this happened. I will say, tho, that after the initial finality of my decision to file for divorce set in, I picked myself up by my bootstraps and made a commitment to myself not to get stuck in the grief process and to keep forward motion so that I could heal and move on with my life.

I'm praying that you will be able to do the same. Not only will you benefit from being emotionally healthy, your kids will benefit from it, too - and draw security from the stability you will be able to provide them b/c of it.

DZoolander · Jan 12, 2009

MyKidsDaddy said:
I want to say this Christmas MAY go on record as being the best ever. My wife has decided / considered that she will work on our marriage. After 6 months of separation, she finally admitted to an affair that I highly suspected all along.

My questions for the forum.... just what are the potential pitfalls and potholes in this long road in front of us? I know you may not know all our details, but 22 yrs of marriage, 6 months separation (she moved out), and now, her first inclination toward giving it a second try.

I'm leary of just "trying". I told her that we probably would not have married in the first place if we were just going to "try" to make it work back then.

As far as the affair.... He had more money, time, than I did. But he did not have 5 kids and 22 years or history with her. (not that I'm taking any of that for granted). She said he was boring. And that scares me a little, because she has said the same of me.

She renewed her apartment lease for another 6 months just a few weeks ago. I thought at the time that I was ready to quit within the next 30-60 days if she did not indicate any intention of reconcilliation. Now, she's considering reconciling. I really believe that prayers are being answered. I'm feeling good that she is still in her apartment. I was not ready for her to come back home, and she doesn't really want to come back to the house we were living in. My prayer request is that she and I seek, find, and follow God's will. I do not want to mess up what has the possibility of a terrific ending.

Looking forward to all comments

MKD

22 years of marriage - and she only left the other guy because he was "boring"?

If I were you - I'd remind her of her age - and tell her that you wish her luck while filing for divorce.

Autumnleaf · Jan 12, 2009

MyKidsDaddy said:
I want to say this Christmas MAY go on record as being the best ever. My wife has decided / considered that she will work on our marriage. After 6 months of separation, she finally admitted to an affair that I highly suspected all along.

My questions for the forum.... just what are the potential pitfalls and potholes in this long road in front of us? I know you may not know all our details, but 22 yrs of marriage, 6 months separation (she moved out), and now, her first inclination toward giving it a second try.

I'm leary of just "trying". I told her that we probably would not have married in the first place if we were just going to "try" to make it work back then.

As far as the affair.... He had more money, time, than I did. But he did not have 5 kids and 22 years or history with her. (not that I'm taking any of that for granted). She said he was boring. And that scares me a little, because she has said the same of me.

She renewed her apartment lease for another 6 months just a few weeks ago. I thought at the time that I was ready to quit within the next 30-60 days if she did not indicate any intention of reconcilliation. Now, she's considering reconciling. I really believe that prayers are being answered. I'm feeling good that she is still in her apartment. I was not ready for her to come back home, and she doesn't really want to come back to the house we were living in. My prayer request is that she and I seek, find, and follow God's will. I do not want to mess up what has the possibility of a terrific ending.

Looking forward to all comments

MKD

The potholes are here because it snowed and the trucks from the city put out some salts to cut the ice.

You are dealing with a cheater. If the other guy is still around he is probably getting 'booty call' if he is out of the state you are probably okay, as far as he goes.

It comes down to the fact that she is probably fickle and taking her back is a bad idea from a VD stand point. Other than that you have to look at your kids, who has custody, and who needs what from who.

Hint: If you don't know how to fix why she left she will probably leave again for the same reason(s).

I hope a fraction of that helps you.

MyKidsDaddy · Jan 16, 2009

Meeting with the lawyer on Monday. Keep me in your prayers. A couple of long phone calls over the past few days with the dw caused me to have 'temptations ??" to postpone the meeting with lawyer. I decided to go ahead and start the process. I have not told her yet.

She has been feeling coereced or forced by me to come back. Claims that I am using religious convictions or other things like guilt...see below her recent comments.

Some of her thoughts... " I look at my beliefs and know God forgives divorce. I know that my family will support me in whatever decision I make. I know that you don't believe divorce is Ok and that you feel you would never be able to remarry, so you are trying to force or guilt me into staying.."

Well, I told her that her decision to stay or divorce was totally her decision. If she believes what she is doing is right, then go ahead and follow that path.

At this point, I see nothing short of a miracle to save our marriage.

MKD

DZoolander · Jan 16, 2009

You are never going to be able to force someone to do something they don't want to do. You're not going to succeed in what you're trying to do. She doesn't want to be faithful - and it's what people *want* to do that matters. No amount of telling her how "God feels" is going to change the situation.

The most you can hope for is that she'll become insecure due to her age or some other reason - and will accept you back due to declining options in her mind. However - that's not fidelity. There's no contrition. There are no apologies going on. If you do succeed - it's not because of anything sincere. It's because you're the safe booby-prize. That's not love. That's not marriage.

If you're content waiting until she finally looks in the mirror and believes she's too old to get anything good anymore - and comes back to you - then by all means - continue showing her that you're available for her to come back to (and her doormat).

Whatever you want to do - that's cool. But - at least be objective about what you're getting.

Where are the potholes in the road before me ?

ido

Adios

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Enacielle777

"See possibility. Here hope. Speak love."

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MyKidsDaddy

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ido

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MyKidsDaddy

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ido

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DZoolander

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Autumnleaf

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MyKidsDaddy

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Where are the potholes in the road before me ?

Adios

"See possibility. Here hope. Speak love."

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Adios

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Legend

I will survive and thrive !!!

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