When to go on

4Christ2 · Jul 8, 2007

Has he seen a doctor to determine if there is a medical condition causing his "apathy"? Depression is a strong possibility.

I hesitate to say this, but this male friend he visits every evening. Is there a possibility of homosexuality tendencies?

LJSGM · Jul 8, 2007

When a couple in a marriage stop having sex, you can tell they are probably doomed, and it might be because the intimacy is gone, and the "feelings" of love and happiness go as well.

This is what I would recommend, Just forget about how he's treated you, and try to have sex with him, come on to him, do everything you can, except force him, to be intimate and do it as frequently as possible. His feelings may change eventually and then you can talk about your relationship more openly once you have these feelins back between you. (I'm not sure if this would work if he has a homosexual perversion though)

Ashyah · Jul 16, 2007

Believe me I have thought of this many times.

Is he carrying a torch for someone in his past? Does he have homosexual feelings but hasn't acted out on it?

He is very attached to people at his church also.His attachment is not normal though.

And, this old man is 70 years old and my husband is 57.

I think because of his low self esteem he attaches himself to certain people that lead him. His pastor is very dominant and so is this old man.He fixes things at the church and these peoples homes but, at home I did all.

I had to make major decisions by myself. Now when people ask him what happened between us he just says she is too bossy.

Answering a question that someone asked. We don't own the house it is a rental. He is 4 months behind on rent. Another $3,000 due on electric and, $1,300 on gas. So, I can't go back there and pay all that.

And, I know that if I go back he may let me stay there but, he will go on living in his own room.

He did that for over a year.All because of an arguement over something that my son did. My son is 36 years old. Doesn't work and lived with us.

Whether you leave someone or they leave you. Wouldn't you call them ? Wouldn't you want to know why they left? Wouldn't it hurt you ?

I talked to him a couple of months ago. He said that asking him to sleep in same bedroom was asking too much of him. That I wanted him to make changes that would make him unhappy.

On our honeymoon night we just came to his house. His mother and siblings lived in the downstairs apartment. He didn't want to make love because his mother would hear us. Then every night before bed he would go to bathroom and read the whole newspaper then come to bed. Then he would turn the other way. Sex was every 6 months then every year then it was every 4 years. In between those times there was no show of affection. Not even a kiss on the cheek.

Before he would at least come home from work watch tv read his paper.When we became chrisitians that little time together was now being spent with people at his church.He just totally disconnected from me. All his decisions are now made with his pastor.I stopped attending that church because of this. There were times when I thought he was working but, instead he was at someones cookout without me. I didn't even know.

Just like this old man he visits every day. I didn't even know he had this friend. I thought he was at work.

LJSGM · Jul 17, 2007

Ashyah said:
Believe me I have thought of this many times.

Is he carrying a torch for someone in his past? Does he have homosexual feelings but hasn't acted out on it?

He is very attached to people at his church also.His attachment is not normal though.

And, this old man is 70 years old and my husband is 57.

I think because of his low self esteem he attaches himself to certain people that lead him. His pastor is very dominant and so is this old man.He fixes things at the church and these peoples homes but, at home I did all.

I had to make major decisions by myself. Now when people ask him what happened between us he just says she is too bossy.

Answering a question that someone asked. We don't own the house it is a rental. He is 4 months behind on rent. Another $3,000 due on electric and, $1,300 on gas. So, I can't go back there and pay all that.

And, I know that if I go back he may let me stay there but, he will go on living in his own room.

He did that for over a year.All because of an arguement over something that my son did. My son is 36 years old. Doesn't work and lived with us.

Whether you leave someone or they leave you. Wouldn't you call them ? Wouldn't you want to know why they left? Wouldn't it hurt you ?

I talked to him a couple of months ago. He said that asking him to sleep in same bedroom was asking too much of him. That I wanted him to make changes that would make him unhappy.

On our honeymoon night we just came to his house. His mother and siblings lived in the downstairs apartment. He didn't want to make love because his mother would hear us. Then every night before bed he would go to bathroom and read the whole newspaper then come to bed. Then he would turn the other way. Sex was every 6 months then every year then it was every 4 years. In between those times there was no show of affection. Not even a kiss on the cheek.

Before he would at least come home from work watch tv read his paper.When we became chrisitians that little time together was now being spent with people at his church.He just totally disconnected from me. All his decisions are now made with his pastor.I stopped attending that church because of this. There were times when I thought he was working but, instead he was at someones cookout without me. I didn't even know.

Just like this old man he visits every day. I didn't even know he had this friend. I thought he was at work.

Well, I'm sorry to hear about your marriage.

It sounds like he has already divorced you in his heart, papers or not, and will be held accountable in the end, so have peace.

Ask the Lord what his will for you is now. He might have bigger plans for you then just marriage life anyways.

1 Corinthians 7

29What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; 30those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

deliciousBass · Jul 17, 2007

Ditto what LJSGM said.

If indeed what you are saying is true, then I don't think anyone can fault you for leaving a man who has not been true to his vows from practically the very beginning.

Ashyah · Jul 17, 2007

Sometimes I feel that I was wrong in leaving him.

I look at the debts that he has. I wonder if he is just sick.

He does some things to make me wonder. Like right now I am having my car fixed. And, he is letting me use his while I am doing that. Of course he isn't paying for the repairs on mine. I have been self sufficient in last year. I was self sufficient while I was still with him. One time I asked him for grocery money he told me I aint giving you___you don't deserve it. After that I started buying my own groceries. One time he was handing me some money I wouldn't take it.He had offended me so.

But, he sure does jump when certain people ask him to. Right now he is on a trip to Mexico with his pastor. And, when he gets back he is going to Texas again with his pastor to visit a former member of the church.He also takes the old man wherever he needs to go. Even to cookouts that the old man is invited to.I invited him to a prayer garden he told me that he didn't have time to go.

While I was with him he never wanted to go anywhere. Anywhere I wanted to go or do he would say that he was too busy.

He angers me so . A little while ago I had to pray about my anger and jealousy.

LJSGM · Jul 17, 2007

Ashyah said:
Sometimes I feel that I was wrong in leaving him.

I look at the debts that he has. I wonder if he is just sick.

He does some things to make me wonder. Like right now I am having my car fixed. And, he is letting me use his while I am doing that. Of course he isn't paying for the repairs on mine. I have been self sufficient in last year. I was self sufficient while I was still with him. One time I asked him for grocery money he told me I aint giving you___you don't deserve it. After that I started buying my own groceries. One time he was handing me some money I wouldn't take it.He had offended me so.

But, he sure does jump when certain people ask him to. Right now he is on a trip to Mexico with his pastor. And, when he gets back he is going to Texas again with his pastor to visit a former member of the church.He also takes the old man wherever he needs to go. Even to cookouts that the old man is invited to.I invited him to a prayer garden he told me that he didn't have time to go.

While I was with him he never wanted to go anywhere. Anywhere I wanted to go or do he would say that he was too busy.

He angers me so . A little while ago I had to pray about my anger and jealousy.

does he have any sort of history to him? abuse? neglect?

did you have a special bond when you first got married?

Ashyah · Jul 17, 2007

We didn't have a special bond.We lived 45 miles apart when we met. He had grown up in my area and moved away with his family. He would go visit people in my area. One member of this family that he visited was married to my brother. They would bring him over when I had parties. One night they left and he stayed. He stayed all night but, just sat there and didn't talk much.

After that he started coming on his own but, never approached me like a man would have.After a while he said I think I love you and then he asked if I would marry him while we were being intimate. I said no then a different day asked him if he still wanted to get married. He said ok. I arranged everything.

Thinking back now he wouldn't call me during the week when we were dating if you want to call it that. He would just come on Friday and leave on Monday.

It took him a long time to even approach me in a way that led me to believe that he was interested.

I don't know much of his history. He never talks about it. I do know that his dad was not a loving husband or dad. He would leave on weekends to be with other women and would come back home broke on Monday morning.

Regarding any sexual abuse or violence he has never brought that up. Understand that this man doesn't talk about anything. It is not normal. He can sit in a group for hours and not say a word.

With me now anything I say he will say ok. Even when I told him I was getting a divorce.

Ashyah · Jul 17, 2007

Another thing.

During all the years that I have been with him I have never suspected any cheating.

The only thing that I have wondered since he doesn't seem to need me. Is that maybe he is carrying a torch for someone in his past or he is just not interested in women.

kanga22 · Jul 18, 2007

And I thought my marriage lacked passion. Why did you settle for this? What was the attraction for you?

You deserve better than what you have. God wants to give you an abundant life. Search for the desires God placed in your heart, and start living the life you deserve!

Ashyah · Jul 18, 2007

I had spent 11 years as a divorcee.

My ex husand was terrible. He didn't work he cheated. Left me alone all the time. If he came home I was dressed I had been with a man if I was in night gown I had been with a man. I left him. I would tell him I loved him he would say you are not the only woman in the world. I left him.

I was divorced for 11 years and met my present husband. I liked how he was quiet and decent. He also worked. Not as an employee but, as a contractor.

Little did I know that this would turn out this way.

I just try to figure him out. How we could have lived together for 22 years . He never even talked about any family members outside of his siblings.

He was very introverted with me. Sort of like something that is living a double life. But, since I know his siblings there is no other life that he has led.

This is someone that never discussed goals, ideas, plans nothing. In all the years that we were together there was never even a vacation.

Right now he is in Mexico and then when comes back he will go to Texas with his pastor. That is the only way he will go anywhere. Because his pastor tells him to.

It is like mind control.

I ponder about that. People can put things in your head and call it doing the work of the Lord. It inpart is that we must do the work of the Lord in missions. But, to have so much influence on someone where they just say yes to everything then I wonder.

I called his pastors for counseling I was refused. And, was told that he has gone on with his life. I know that I left that church but, shouldn't they be concerned about our marriage? At least for him? Even for some stranger that walked in off of the street?

kanga22 · Jul 18, 2007

Ashyah said:
I had spent 11 years as a divorcee.

My ex husand was terrible. He didn't work he cheated. Left me alone all the time. If he came home I was dressed I had been with a man if I was in night gown I had been with a man. I left him. I would tell him I loved him he would say you are not the only woman in the world. I left him.

I was divorced for 11 years and met my present husband. I liked how he was quiet and decent. He also worked. Not as an employee but, as a contractor.

.

Ahh, I see. I understand "why" better now. You did not owe any kind of explanation, but I appreciate it all the same. I try to gleem what I can from other's situations to help figure out my own life. And, perhaps I'm not the only one who does this.

Ashyah said:
Little did I know that this would turn out this way.

Of course, we can't know how people will change, or not change. We can't know how a certain personality will work (or not work) with our own years later. Hind sight is 20/20. Looking back, I can see how my life has become what it is. But I couldn't see what was ahead for me twenty years ago. God always knew though, which is why it IS so important to follow His lead. But, our human brains (with all of their damage and sin) can easily get in the way.

Ashyah said:
I just try to figure him out. How we could have lived together for 22 years .

My husband and I have lived together for 21 years, since I was 19. And I haven't "figured him out" either! LOL I know, it's not really funny. But, maybe no one ever really figures out other ppl. But, in some marriages that's okay. Because there is a mutual respect, trust, and caring for the other. And the no need to figure him/her out. Maybe when you find yourself thinking "if only I could figure him/her out" then I could fix the problem - then you know it's time to part ways. It's possible.

And yes, his church sounds like a cult. A bible based christian church would care about his marriage. And it also doesn't sound like he wants you to save him from it. You can pray for his soul while you are taking care of yourself.

I'm so sad for you. You deserve better. It's time to move on with your life and do what God leads you to do and what you want to do. God bless.

Ashyah · Jul 18, 2007

It is so hard for me to think of his church as a cult. They are Godly people.
But, the pastor is a dominant figure. He doesn't allow his wife to take a driving test because she would be alone with a male in the testing car.
I know that my husband goes to him for everything. Maybe he has been told that I just want things my way. And, that I am not submissive.

Submission is required of both.

People that are under control don't see it. They feel that they are doing the right thing. Because they have been programmed. And, I feel terrible writing this. But, when I used to attend that church the pastor would call some of us into special meetings. And, would talk about others that had left the church. He would tell us not to speak to them. Not because there was anything ungodly going on in our church. But,because these people were what he called contaminators. Even my daughter was called a bad influence and contaminator. Because she and the pastor's daughter were getting into trouble. All was blamed on my girl.

That is the only church that I feel so uncomfortable about being in.

I do pray for God to remove human authorities that are influencing my husband.

God knows more than he or I. I could be wrong. Or, I could be right. God knows.

People like him are easy to influence. He has low self esteem.

Ginger34 · Jul 30, 2007

I would like to say something on this. I've been divorced and now married again to a different man, a better man. My ex left me for another woman. I tried VERY hard to get him not to leave me. I prayed constantly and was optimistic but that didn't help. I learned that you can NOT change someone. You can't make someone love you, or stay with you no matter what you do or say. I didn't see it at the time but God had better things for me and being in that marriage was destroying ME. My ex threathened to kill me (even though he meant it as a joke) but it was serious to me. He point blank said he didn't love me and what hurt me the most he said he didn't even care about me. You can't make someone care or love you. Divorce is a bad thing but it had to happen to me in order for me to get where I am today. I honestly think if it didn't happen things were going to get worse for me and he'd probably killed me or try to. I suggest you have NO contact whatsoever with your husband, besides your kids. He probably thinks you WON'T divorce him since you went back to him the last time. I don't think he's taking you seriously... That's just MY opinion.

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