When to go on

Ashyah · Jun 28, 2007

I have accepted that my husband doesn't really love me.

And, the reason I have posted here is to get opinions from people that may have gone through what I have gone through.

I know that something is troubling this man. I have not done something so terrible to have him just throw me aside. And, go about his day like I never existed.And, no I can't just sit and talk with him. I have done this many times. He just sits there and doesn't say anything.He will just repeat that he treats everyone the same. That he is not sure if he loves me or not.

This hurts me more than the actual separation.

dayknee · Jun 28, 2007

Autumnleaf said:
It seems like the men you married aren't the picks of the litter. That said, they are still who you married. You lived with them as married couples until you left the homes.

Its nice and emotive to imply violence where none is mentioned. Painting me with invisible ink like that won't fly.

If your husband is supposed to lead the marriage, maybe if you followed his lead things would be better.

my husband cant lead..and if your suggesting I let him lead then i would be living a life of sin..
Your suggesting I look at porn with him, your suggesting I do illegal business things with him, and your suggesting I lie to him like he does to me..right?....
I dont think I need to paint the picture of the kind of "man" or "husband" you are...I think what you say..speaks for itself.
Im done with you!
You have no heart or compassion..just a bashing personality who can only dump on others and be critical of what they have gone thru..
I feel sorry for you

Autumnleaf · Jun 28, 2007

Ashyah said:
I have accepted that my husband doesn't really love me.

And, the reason I have posted here is to get opinions from people that may have gone through what I have gone through.

I know that something is troubling this man. I have not done something so terrible to have him just throw me aside. And, go about his day like I never existed.And, no I can't just sit and talk with him. I have done this many times. He just sits there and doesn't say anything.He will just repeat that he treats everyone the same. That he is not sure if he loves me or not.

This hurts me more than the actual separation.

Have you considered asking his friends what they think is going on with him? Sometimes a different perspective can shed a different light on things. I agree doing the same actions leads to the same results so why waste time. Its easy for me to toss out shoulds all over the place. If my wife were irresponsible, unresponsive, or treacherous I would probably find myself devising ways of leaving her and feeling good about it.

Ashyah · Jun 28, 2007

The friends that we have are all christians.

They pray for us. Try not to take sides.

Autumnleaf · Jun 28, 2007

Ashyah said:
The friends that we have are all christians.

They pray for us. Try not to take sides.

You and him should both be on the same side. If either of you find yourselves at odds you should cross over to the other side. It is the only way you can hope to influece them for the better. We seldom willingly surrender to our adversaries.

FLANDIDLYANDERS · Jun 29, 2007

Autumnthief said:
You are a man forced to raise children on your own. You can be the best you can be in that capacity but it is not the same as if you and your wife were doing it together.

Indeed, it is not the same. It is better, more "godly".

Autumnleave said:
Nothing about marriage is equal

"In Christ there is neither male nor female", marriage is "in Christ", ergo equality. Marriage is uniquely equal, allowing such an intimate sharing that "2 become one flesh". Since when was one body inequal to itself?

Gender roles are moot. People are people and each relationship is different. The trouble with seeing everything in black and white is that your life ends up grey.

Ashyah · Jun 29, 2007

That's true.

In Christ we are equal.

While I lived with my husband I was so deeply depressed.I would lay in bed at night and hear him in the shower. I would wait and see where he went after that. Everytime I would just hear his bedroom door close. I would just cry and go to sleep.

I don't know why after a year of separation and years before that how I am still expecting. I do love him.

I have friends that have said..there are many couples that live in house separately. For me it was hard.

One time I had him served with legal separation petition. He called me and only said that he couldn't afford an apartment. That we should talk about living in house and be independant of each other. I said that is what we have been doing. I can't live like that.He showed no concern for our relationship just him not being able to afford another place.

GoNoles · Jun 29, 2007

Autumnleaf said:
You and him should both be on the same side. If either of you find yourselves at odds you should cross over to the other side. It is the only way you can hope to influece them for the better. We seldom willingly surrender to our adversaries.

I agree that husbands and wives should be on the same side, but you can't cross to "the other side" if the person on the other side is willfully living in sin.

Ashyah · Jun 30, 2007

There is just so much one can do to keep a marriage going.
There comes a time when even though you love that person you just feel by their words and actions that they don't love you.

kanga22 · Jun 30, 2007

Ashyah said:
There is just so much one can do to keep a marriage going.
There comes a time when even though you love that person you just feel by their words and actions that they don't love you.

You are correct.

Just ignore Autumnleaf, he has no clue what he's talking about. If you were a man, Autumnleaf would be telling you the exact opposite. In his mind the man is always right and can leave the marriage or stay, whatever suits his needs. And the woman is always wrong and must die a bloody death trying to save the man in her life and her marriage - even though that's God's job, not yours. Oh, I just realized that Autumnleaf must believe that all woman are actually God. Though it's better than him thinking we are always wrong, it won't make God very happy I'm sure.

Autumnleaf · Jun 30, 2007

GoNoles said:
I agree that husbands and wives should be on the same side, but you can't cross to "the other side" if the person on the other side is willfully living in sin.

I once spoke with a therapist who dealt with people like wife beaters. He couldn't just sit there and do his job if he said, 'I'm right, you're wrong. So stop being mean.' He said he had to find something he could agree with them on. He agreed with them on things such as, it was good that their children turn out right or it was good to have a healthy marriage. From there he could be on the same side as them, the people knew he wasn't judging them harshly because he was showing an interest in helping them get what they want without calling them jerks. From there he could get to know them and persuade them to look at what they were doing to see if they were getting the results they really wanted.

If your spouse sins, they probably don't do it just to spite God. They probably get something out of it. If you can work with that maybe they can get that something out of something other than sin. This calls for tact above and beyond what people tend to be willing to shell out these days but I think its often the only way to go without making things worse.

Ashyah · Jul 1, 2007

Today I heard from my daughter that my husband will be traveling.

It bothered me and I don't know why.I felt anger and jealousy.

I hate feeling like this. Just when I feel that I have healed there I go again.

I guess it just hurts that he is out there acting like he doesn't have any problems.

It is hard when someone just writes yo out of their life like you never existed.

Autumnleaf · Jul 1, 2007

Ashyah said:
Today I heard from my daughter that my husband will be traveling.

It bothered me and I don't know why.I felt anger and jealousy.

I hate feeling like this. Just when I feel that I have healed there I go again.

I guess it just hurts that he is out there acting like he doesn't have any problems.

It is hard when someone just writes yo out of their life like you never existed.

Weren't you the one who left him? When my stepbrother's wife left him he begged her to stay. She wouldn't. She said in a few years maybe they'd get back together. After he lost hope in her coming home he moved on and she got really mad.

Ashyah · Jul 2, 2007

Believe me if my husband had asked me to stay I would have.
The problem is that he doesn't care. I left in the middle of the afternoon while he was at work. He never even called.
If he had shown love and care for me I would have stayed.
What you are saying Autumnleaf is true.
That may happen to him one day his friends will not be there for him.

Autumnleaf · Jul 4, 2007

Ashyah said:
Believe me if my husband had asked me to stay I would have.
The problem is that he doesn't care. I left in the middle of the afternoon while he was at work. He never even called.
If he had shown love and care for me I would have stayed.
What you are saying Autumnleaf is true.
That may happen to him one day his friends will not be there for him.

How do you think he feels about himself when you are with him? I really don't like Helen Hunt as an actress. I think she's like Tom Hanks in that every role they ever have they seem to play themselves in that situation. Anyways, see the movie called As good as it gets where she stars with Jack Nicholson. How she makes him feel is what inspires men to move mountains for love. If your husband didn't call when you left you should probably look into this.

deliciousBass · Jul 5, 2007

Autumnleaf said:
How do you think he feels about himself when you are with him? I really don't like Helen Hunt as an actress. I think she's like Tom Hanks in that every role they ever have they seem to play themselves in that situation. Anyways, see the movie called As good as it gets where she stars with Jack Nicholson. How she makes him feel is what inspires men to move mountains for love. If your husband didn't call when you left you should probably look into this.

Forgive me if I'm wrong Autumnleaf, but I get the distinct impression that you think every marriage is salvageable, and that if someone chooses to share their story on these forums, that they automatically must be the one to show initiative in "saving" their marriage. Like I said, please forgive me if I'm wrong, and feel free to correct me.

Anyway, the reason I say this is because not everyone reciprocates when you show them love and affection and try to make them feel special. Sometimes they do the exact opposite. While it's true that this works in many cases, I for one know that even though my sbex showed me love on several occasions, I also rejected it 95% of the time. (In my defense I was totally screwed up and didn't know how to handle love when I came back from Iraq and it took her leaving me to get help). But anyway, I don't know both sides of the story and the anonymity of the internet can make things very onesided, but from what Ashyah has shared, she really has tried and has been rejected over and over. What are we to to do when we do everything "right" and still our spouses hearts are so hard that they spit in the face of our love or flat out pretend like it's not there?

I'm sorry, but there's a time for everything and in her case, I think it's time to move on. It's in God's hands; only he can save their marriage and that might not be his plan for her....

Andrealin · Jul 5, 2007

i'm probably not going to be very popular here... i have a nagging question (as well as red sirens sounding) as i read along this thread.

Is your husband still heterosexual?

i ask this because my husband left me not for another woman but for a man! He always would go over to his buddy's house. They used to work out together and were in the Tough Man Competition together. You'd NEVER know he would decide to be gay!

My gut thought is that if he has no interest sexually and he is hanging around this man every night -- what's up with that?

Also,... and this is where i don't think I will be popular... if it were me, dear sister, I would move back in the house and take care of the bills, the pets and everything else that needs taking care of.

Let him leave if he wants to.

The only thing you've accomplished by leaving is showing the world that YOU left the marriage. That may not be the case... but in a court of law when push comes to shove -- YOU left the marital household. Is your name on the deed? The mortgage? If so, and he isn't paying the bills, the bank is going to come after you, too!!

Maybe you could move back in, live in seperate bedrooms and then you can see what's going on. Maybe nothing at all? Maybe somthing? But at least you'll be in your home and able to assess the damages, both to the marriage and to the assetts.

I would let that lease go -- can you afford to pay both the rent and the mortgage? If so, well, then it's your call, but if not, realize that the very real and present danger is that you are going to be dragged into a foreclosure.

Just being practical. Until HE presents you with divorce papers, you are still marriage and financialy obligated for everything he crashes and burns on.

From someone who has 'been there, done that'

Your sister in Christ,
Andrea Lin

Autumnleaf · Jul 5, 2007

IrvRiv said:
Forgive me if I'm wrong Autumnleaf, but I get the distinct impression that you think every marriage is salvageable, and that if someone chooses to share their story on these forums, that they automatically must be the one to show initiative in "saving" their marriage. Like I said, please forgive me if I'm wrong, and feel free to correct me.

Anyway, the reason I say this is because not everyone reciprocates when you show them love and affection and try to make them feel special. Sometimes they do the exact opposite. While it's true that this works in many cases, I for one know that even though my sbex showed me love on several occasions, I also rejected it 95% of the time. (In my defense I was totally screwed up and didn't know how to handle love when I came back from Iraq and it took her leaving me to get help). But anyway, I don't know both sides of the story and the anonymity of the internet can make things very onesided, but from what Ashyah has shared, she really has tried and has been rejected over and over. What are we to to do when we do everything "right" and still our spouses hearts are so hard that they spit in the face of our love or flat out pretend like it's not there?

I'm sorry, but there's a time for everything and in her case, I think it's time to move on. It's in God's hands; only he can save their marriage and that might not be his plan for her....

You are right. Every marriage is salvageable if both people can be brought together.

If God teaches us anything I don't think it has to do with quitting. I for the life of me can't think of one instance in the Bible where a wife gave up on her marriage and God was okay with it. It is easy to give up. No matter what the situation giving up and quitting is the simplest option there is. Wonder why God seldom points us in that direction.

If it were in God's hands she would not have left and she'd be there. It is in her hands because she left him. You can't abandon a baby and blame God because it starved to death. I guess you could but it would be asinine. We have to do our best. Then it is in God's hands. We can't blame him for the things we muck up.

dachran · Jul 6, 2007

Wow! The Word of God is clear about obedience, isn't it? Something that perturbs me greatly in the modern Christian Church is the emphasis on one's opinion rather than seeking God's. Is not this the same underlying issue with Cain and Abel? Cain gave to God what he thought was right but Abel gave to God according to God's will.

As Christians we are followers of Jesus Christ. We don't follow ourselves, do we? He is the Lord and head of the Church and, if we belong to his Church, then we MUST seek to please him. Running with our feelings just don't cut it, opining on matters just don't cut it.

"What does God say about 'X', 'Y' and/or 'Z'?" - that is the bottom line.

With regards to your marriage - search the scriptures for your answer because the answer is there. If your hubby has not committed adultery, yes, you could leave him but you cannot remarry as long as he is alive. If you still want a husband subsequent to your departure, you would have to go back to him. The Bible is clear on this. (Frankly, I am not looking for any debates - the Bible is clear about this. Please remember that God's grace is not a justification to sin or to do whatever you want to do.)

One simple question. What sort of friendship does your hubby have with the older male friend whom he would have to continue visiting every evening even if you returned to him? Funny ... it's seems to be the one thing that he is clear about and stands up for - not you or the marriage but this older man.

With regards to a husband's leadership role and his desires for his wife to commit sinful acts - the Bible is also clear. When man's ways contradict God's, we choose God's.

And, yes, a husband is the head of the home - that's the order established by God. If anyone does not like it - take it up with the Almighty. Even if a woman does not respect her husband, she should respect the God ordained position. When a wife rebels - she rebels against the order that God has established.

I was married to my college boyfriend for many, many years. Our goals and sense of morality were very, very different (yes, I was young and naive). Adultery was an acceptable part of his development - it was something that "men did" and "women accepted", and even women did. His parents did it, his sisters were quite similar to him, etc. While we were together, he tried to "cover his tracks". (Funny thing - behind my back, he was telling his sister that she should be more like me because I did not "put up with his crap".) Anyway, we were together for 13 years and then I became a Christian. I tried my best to make the marriage a success - I did everything that I could have done without compromising my integrity. God is above and He sees all 24/7. I sought Him for the answer and finally, after a total of 17 years of being together, I left and divorced my ex with a clear conscience. Why? Because I gave it my all and sought the Lord. I don't have one regret because there is nothing that I could have done that I did not do. I left knowing that I had the Lord's permission. I left in peace.

To leave your husband because "he's sleeping in another room" is not a valid reason. If you remarry under those conditions you would be committing adultery. Seek the Lord - He is the God of the impossible. However, if your husband has broken the marrriage covenant - that is another issue. Seek the Lord.

dayknee · Jul 6, 2007

dachran said:
Wow! The Word of God is clear about obedience, isn't it? Something that perturbs me greatly in the modern Christian Church is the emphasis on one's opinion rather than seeking God's. Is not this the same underlying issue with Cain and Abel? Cain gave to God what he thought was right but Abel gave to God according to God's will.

As Christians we are followers of Jesus Christ. We don't follow ourselves, do we? He is the Lord and head of the Church and, if we belong to his Church, then we MUST seek to please him. Running with our feelings just don't cut it, opining on matters just don't cut it.

"What does God say about 'X', 'Y' and/or 'Z'?" - that is the bottom line.

With regards to your marriage - search the scriptures for your answer because the answer is there. If your hubby has not committed adultery, yes, you could leave him but you cannot remarry as long as he is alive. If you still want a husband subsequent to your departure, you would have to go back to him. The Bible is clear on this. (Frankly, I am not looking for any debates - the Bible is clear about this. Please remember that God's grace is not a justification to sin or to do whatever you want to do.)

One simple question. What sort of friendship does your hubby have with the older male friend whom he would have to continue visiting every evening even if you returned to him? Funny ... it's seems to be the one thing that he is clear about and stands up for - not you or the marriage but this older man.

With regards to a husband's leadership role and his desires for his wife to commit sinful acts - the Bible is also clear. When man's ways contradict God's, we choose God's.

And, yes, a husband is the head of the home - that's the order established by God. If anyone does not like it - take it up with the Almighty. Even if a woman does not respect her husband, she should respect the God ordained position. When a wife rebels - she rebels against the order that God has established.

I was married to my college boyfriend for many, many years. Our goals and sense of morality were very, very different (yes, I was young and naive). Adultery was an acceptable part of his development - it was something that "men did" and "women accepted", and even women did. His parents did it, his sisters were quite similar to him, etc. While we were together, he tried to "cover his tracks". (Funny thing - behind my back, he was telling his sister that she should be more like me because I did not "put up with his crap".) Anyway, we were together for 13 years and then I became a Christian. I tried my best to make the marriage a success - I did everything that I could have done without compromising my integrity. God is above and He sees all 24/7. I sought Him for the answer and finally, after a total of 17 years of being together, I left and divorced my ex with a clear conscience. Why? Because I gave it my all and sought the Lord. I don't have one regret because there is nothing that I could have done that I did not do. I left knowing that I had the Lord's permission. I left in peace.

To leave your husband because "he's sleeping in another room" is not a valid reason. If you remarry under those conditions you would be committing adultery. Seek the Lord - He is the God of the impossible. However, if your husband has broken the marrriage covenant - that is another issue. Seek the Lord.

Hrm...So will you stay single forever then?
If her husband was abusive and she left/divorced. She should still remain alone? the innocent party? Divorce is an option for someone who has left the marriage..the marriage covenant. I am clear that it falls only under the catagory of adultery.
You also have in 1 Corinthians 7:15 if the unbeliver departs, let him. a brother or sister is NOT UNDER BONDAGE and is such case CALLED TO PEACE.
I would suggest getting the definition to bondage and peace in the hebrew and greek translation bible.
Also, just becuase someone does decide to divorce and remarry does not mean they would be abusing Gods grace. It is there for the unavoidable and the unforseen things that happen. INCLUDING remarriage. It's a good thing he died on that cross.
He not only did it for our divorce and remarriage sins but also for the ones you and I commite everysingle day. Im glad when I fall short, which is daily, that I have a faithful and loving Savior who always forgives me

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