When the "Man of the House" is gone

singlemomintx · May 31, 2010

This weekend has been really tough and made me miss having a man around here. Mainly dealing with discipline with the kids and vehicle problems. Do any of you rethink about reconciling with your ex, if you could anyway? Mine was physically abusive, and yet when I have weekends like this, I miss him, for some of the things he took care of.

I was stranded on the highway today and ended up calling a tow truck and my realtor to pick me and the kids up. I felt like I had no one and the kids needed me to be strong.

I know we have God, and for emotional and spiritual things, it helps, but for these physical, earthly problems, it's difficult.

God made woman and man for each other, and being divorced, I really struggle that I'm not living the way God intended for it to be.

But I just have to keep reminding myself, that there is sin in the world, and that's why we have Jesus.

Easyk · Jun 1, 2010

stay away from abuse, it will only get worse as time goes on.. there are many single men who wont mind being part of your family.. keep a looking

overit · Jun 2, 2010

Easyk said:
stay away from abuse, it will only get worse as time goes on.. there are many single men who wont mind being part of your family.. keep a looking

Lyndie · Jun 3, 2010

Don't have any advice, but I just want you to know I understand. I just went through a medical issue and although I am separated from my husband, it would have been nice to just have someone to share the issue with or hug me and ell me its going o be ok.

mont974x4 · Jun 3, 2010

Easyk said:
stay away from abuse, it will only get worse as time goes on.. there are many single men who wont mind being part of your family.. keep a looking

true

I would also add this is a good reason for our ladies to learn how to do things on their own. When we were growing up everyone had to learn how to cook, clean, and sew at least well enough to fix a button. We also all learned how to do minor repairs and routine maintenance.

Don't let your minor insecurities about these issues be an excuse to go back into an abusive situation. That would not honor God at all and would not be good for you.

Perhaps your church has a program where the men of the church can help with some repairs. The discipline issue is something every divorced and separated parent has had to learn to deal with. It takes some time and some counseling may help.

Autumnleaf · Jun 3, 2010

Easyk said:
stay away from abuse, it will only get worse as time goes on.. there are many single men who wont mind being part of your family.. keep a looking

Most of those guys are single for a reason. They are insufferably boring. Call your ex during the weekends when you need his help and let him know its just a temporary alliance for the sake of the children, or if you want to be honest tell him expediency.

Makeup sex might be fun too if he is found to still be desirable.

mont974x4 · Jun 3, 2010

makeup sex? that is the worst advice I have read in awhile

Autumnleaf · Jun 3, 2010

mont974x4 said:
makeup sex? that is the worst advice I have read in awhile

Its cheaper than calling a tow truck. From my experience its more satisfying too.

Who knows. It could be God using divine providence to bring those two wayward love birds back together.

ShainaBrina · Jun 4, 2010

singlemomintx said:
This weekend has been really tough and made me miss having a man around here. Mainly dealing with discipline with the kids and vehicle problems. Do any of you rethink about reconciling with your ex, if you could anyway? Mine was physically abusive, and yet when I have weekends like this, I miss him, for some of the things he took care of.

I was stranded on the highway today and ended up calling a tow truck and my realtor to pick me and the kids up. I felt like I had no one and the kids needed me to be strong.

I know we have God, and for emotional and spiritual things, it helps, but for these physical, earthly problems, it's difficult.

God made woman and man for each other, and being divorced, I really struggle that I'm not living the way God intended for it to be.

But I just have to keep reminding myself, that there is sin in the world, and that's why we have Jesus.

This is common thinking, especially among those who were in abusive relationships. When things go badly, get scary or whatever... our minds go back to the last place where we felt safe. At these times our brains forget about the bad stuff, like yelling, hitting etc... we just remember the good feelings.

Now that you are aware this is pretty common judge you own thoughts accordingly.

Autumnleaf · Jun 4, 2010

ShainaBrina said:
This is common thinking, especially among those who were in abusive relationships. When things go badly, get scary or whatever... our minds go back to the last place where we felt safe. At these times our brains forget about the bad stuff, like yelling, hitting etc... we just remember the good feelings.

Now that you are aware this is pretty common judge you own thoughts accordingly.

Are you suggesting her ex made her feel safe? Was she safer?

ShainaBrina · Jun 5, 2010

Autumnleaf said:
Are you suggesting her ex made her feel safe? Was she safer?

Being stranded by the side of the road with your children, is a frightening experience. When we are frighten we long for saftey.

Abusive relationships don't start out that way, nor are they abusive all the time, there is cyclical nature to abuse. Tention building, violent outbreak, followed by a honey moon period. During the honeymoon period things can feel good. It is this that women's minds can go back to and long for... not the violence.

Bantu · Jun 15, 2010

Autumnleaf said:
Most of those guys are single for a reason. They are insufferably boring. Call your ex during the weekends when you need his help and let him know its just a temporary alliance for the sake of the children, or if you want to be honest tell him expediency.

Makeup sex might be fun too if he is found to still be desirable.

Makeup sex will simply be ADULTERY. Don't do it!!!

Don't make any assumptions about why anoyone is single, either--Jesus was single, and had to have made many people wonder why!

SearcherKris · Jul 7, 2010

Autumnleaf said:
Are you suggesting her ex made her feel safe? Was she safer?

Are you honestly going to criticize someonelse's reply? I mean, come on, you suggested makeup sex with an abusive ex.

peacechild4 · Jul 7, 2010

It is so hard I know.. you consider going back because it is what you know and there were good times so you try not to think of the bad times because you think they cannot be as bad as what you are going through now.. I know same here..

I have four kids at home.. and thankfully sometimes my husband comes to help.. but there are times when you are so totally alone and the kids keep fighting.. and you just cannot do it all.. I try to escape sometimes on my own... just to pull myself together...

Do you have friends or family that can come help you in moments like this??

I am in a paid service where if I break down I have coverage and can get someone to come give me a hand.. I don't even know how to change a tyre.. that is bad isn't it.. but these guys will do it for me.. LOL..

((Hugs)) you are doing a great job raising those children.. we are going to have trials.. I will pray for you to find all that your heart desires for yourself and children.. bless you..

SearcherKris · Jul 7, 2010

To the OP,

I know what you are feeling.

I have also had moments when I wished there was man around. I haven't wished for my ex very much though. The few times I have, once I seriously considered it and remembered why we're no longer together in the first place, the thought feels foolish to me and I wonder why it ever crossed my mind.

It is overwhelming and exhausting. You are the only one who is an adult in the household. You have to handle all the discipline without even having a supporting word from someone. You have to go through the tough scarey things alone. You're it. If you don't hold it together it could be disasterous and even if no one gets hurt your kids could be emotionally scared.

I recently experienced driving in a big city by myself (never done it before) to take my child to see his surgeon (without the emotional support of anyone). I had to navigate, drive, arrive on time, take kids to the potty, fill out forms, talk to the surgeon, hear news that I didn't want to hear, check out, find a place to feed the kids, work up the courage to battle rush hour traffic to get out of the city, navigate to get away from the city, listen to the whining and bickering on the tiresome drive back, get the kids in bed, and settle myself down all alone in an empty home with the exception of two snoozing boys who thought I had it all together.

It is honestly very hard. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. BUT, I wouldn't take my ex back to reverse it.

As hard as it gets now, it is still not as bad as it was while we were married.

jham123 · Jul 29, 2010

Singlemomintx, YOU mentioned reconciliation so that is the option I am taking with my post.

I need to know:
1. Did he come home and just start beating on you for no reason?
2. Did he get drunk and beat you because he is a mean drunk?
3. Did you guys fight all the time and he hit you to end the fights?
4. Did you guys have one fight and in a moment of lapsed judgment he slapped you?

If your answer was #1....I can't help you.

But if you answered 2-4.....well there is behavior modification that could solve your issues. I'm not saying that it is a full proof answer...but with work from both spouses, we could maintain a family.

Why you ask?

Well, since there are already kids involved we should take a chance and give the effort.

Maybe you guys could live apart and still be married or a couple? Maybe the day to day grind is too much for you at this stage in life....

There are so many variables in a marriage it is hard to say over the web. Remember, we men are simple creatures...a wink of the eye and bit of heavy petting goes a long way inside a man's mind.

fairygailie · Sep 21, 2010

mont974x4 said:
makeup sex? that is the worst advice I have read in awhile

agree 100% that sex is not the thing to do. that might open up a whole new can of worms you'll have to deal with.

When the "Man of the House" is gone

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