God, and how little He is on my mind these days, is on my mind. If God doesn't change, then Judges 10:13 still holds true: God forgets those who forget Him. Of course, people will say that since He's on my mind, I obviously haven't forgotten Him.
However, I feel no conviction. I feel misery. I feel self-hatred. But not conviction. I know feelings are chemical reactions from our brains, but out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. It's all a vicious cycle we're forced to live for eighty or so years, and the lucky ones get out early.
Truth is, God terrifies me. I don't want to meet Him. The world could've ended yesterday, and I didn't leave my apartment, as if I couldn't be taken up with the rest of you because of a ceiling. Then, it struck me this morning that I don't think I've ever been on that particular bandwagon--the Christian one, that is.
It's normal to doubt your salvation. Everyone does, and those who claim they don't are poor liars. It's another thing entirely to fear being taken up into Heaven to meet your Maker. I don't want to see those who have gone before me, because there is no possible reaction they could have other than disappointment.
People talk about grace and mercy and forgiveness as if those are concepts we can really understand. Yet from what I read in the Bible, even God has his limits. We've just been indoctrinated by mindless songs by superboy Chris Tomlin and his ilk. The depth of your grace? The mercy of your love? The blank of your blank? It's all very touching, and 99% of it doesn't line up with Scripture.
Do a quick word study on the word "forsaken". Throughout Scripture, God has forsaken people. True Christians--those who obey Him--are not forsaken, ever. But those who forsake Him are themselves forsaken. If I get into Heaven, it'll be by the skin of my teeth and to my chagrin. I don't want to go to Hell, but I'm not sure which option scares me more.
Ah, limbo. You suck.