What is my ex up to?

So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing.~1st Corinthians 9:26

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.~Hebrews 12:11

Keep fighting the good fight......may God strengthen and encourage you.

fields316_2000 said:

WOW you really broke that down exceptionally well! the mentality is that she's the allstar actor in a show that revolves around her and her alone - without any real backlash or regard for others around her...that sounds about right. i have EVERY Text for the last 2 years saved and i have specific dates and times that she approaches me.

alittle bit about my refusing to get involved with the argueing over there; the dynamic is the boys follow my lead because we are close. she has just alil more custody (we dont have 50%each ) so they are with her alil more...but they have a rocky relationship. they tell me what they felt is wrong or just crying out about their feelings; so at the time i called her up to talk about it and she took offense to anything perceived as wrong doing on her part and tried to get a restraining order (it was dismissed) because she claimed i was slandering her to our kids...then literally 4 days after court she calls me from dinner to ask me to talk to the boys because she couldnt get my son to calm down after an arguement they had. i had to remind her that she took it as a threat when i called it down the middle as far as what the boys did wrong and what she was doing to provoke them. so, i decided that i wouldnt let her come and go in my life to make me the villian and i limited her contact with me. i dont address her when i see her either. another example ; our kids played baseball last year and i already had a meeting with the coaches so when she got to the first game i disregarded the past and introduced her simply as the kids mom and gave out everyones name and introduction. the first thing she said to everyone, that she just met ,was
'We are NOT together i want you to know that'

i was stunned and embarrassed that after the fact she went and made it clear that we had a divorce and ran me down in any way she could. so i personally limit what i say and how i say it to her. again, this goes back to her narcissism as mentioned before. when she had some comfort thinking we had a casual relationship she was ok to deal with but the moment i tell her to watch my boundries i refuse to argue she becomes paranoid and delusional.

with that kind of personality trait i wonder what kind of small issues i would have if i remarried, had more kids or the boys up and decide on their own to move away from her? im going to study up on that narcissism stuff because it fits her to a T

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There's not much that gets past Catherineanne, fields! She'd be a modern-day Deborah.

fields316_2000 said:

I have to give credit to where it's due. she's completely mentally broken like suggested in this thread.

we were at our sons baseball game and she was there with her sunglasses , cell phone and all the gimmicks she needs to be apart of the scene..everything except our sons athsma inhaler.

he was on the field running , stopped due to athsma attack. she literally went over to him and pulled him by the collar telling him that HE is making HER look stupid! i stepped in to get him air and help his breathing get undercontrol and she demands he gets into the car. the whole time shes chewing him out about how he embarrassed her and she cant believe this..according to him she continued telling him he embarrassed her like no other. he challenged her about that asking how he can possibly be at fault when HE cant breathe? she didnt like it much so he decided to tell me he now wants to move out and into my home. i dont think it will be that easy

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It should be if, you tell the court about that little incident. If there were a meter to register disgust, it couldn't reach that kind of limit. Possibly a danger to her son's life, there. If it wasn't imperilled, would she have acted differently, if it had been?

There's also seems to be a lot of truth in the poster's comment about immaturity, but I wonder if it's terminal. She comes across as a 'driven' person, a malcontent with scant self-knowledge, still less, self-control.

fields316_2000 said:

is it at all possible that the judge knows she is wrong but is giving her a chance to get on her feet financially? i've told him all about previous situations like this and he may agree with me that shes wrong he wont send the kids back with me. is it a case theyare keepping things the same so she wont be hurting without my child support coming in?

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Child support isn't supposed to support her...it's to help her with the kid's fees for school, sports, clothing, necessities for the kids. That money you provide is NOT for her.
She should be working and providing for her kids also. If a judge is not giving the kids back to you because it might hurt her financially then he's not looking out for the well being of the kids. It's not your fault if she hurts financially. You'll have the kids...you'll be taking care of them.

I think that's part of narcissism. From what I recall (and CatherineAnne can hopefully clarify)....there's a lack of acknowledgment of personal boundaries. People with those tendencies believe they are entitled to know all they want to about others.

fields316_2000 said:

Im beginning to think she wants some connection or peep hole into my life. She again questioned the kids as to why i blocked her on instagram and told them that since im not online friends with her she refuses to tell me if an emergency happens with the boys. All three of us have no clue as to why it even matters to her

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I believe it's part of the narcisistic behaviour. Again it's about her not the boys. She feels entitled to know what is going on in your life and why you don't speak to her, have her as a friend on facebook or instagram and she really honestly has no clue as to why you wouldn't want to speak to her or friend her. She sees nothing wrong with who she is, how she acts, or what she says. She doesn't see her as being the problem at all. It's you and the boys that have the problem.
I find it scary that she threatened not to contact you in an emergency..but again she didn't say it directly to you. It's hearsay.

I just read MKGal's post and I think I've pretty much said what she said..ha

I just pulled forward a really good thread where Catherineanne went into a lot of detail about narcissism. You may want to read it, Fields (especially post #12 & #18).

It's here http://www.christianforums.com/t7652280/

Especially this: " in the world of the N, only his/her own needs exist, and everyone around him is there to meet those needs."

Like with the asthma attack----it was about her being embarrassed---not his inability to breathe. See the lack of empathy for others?

I'm late to this topic but I want to say when someone breaks up with me (I have never chosen to break up). I use to care about what they did afterward (for both positive and negative reasons). THen I learned to let go. Having exs in your life is just trouble. Because even if you had a terrible break up, you might remember the good times and want to be back together.

Now all my exs are blocked form my FB, email and any form of contact. So on their end I have disappeared. When my fiance said her ex-fiance contacted her and wanted to be friends, she asked me what I thought. I told her to just block him because its dangerous to be his friend. I know not everyone gets jealous, but often times I find that men try to worm their way back into an exs life when they see the ex is happier with the new guy.

The only time you don't have a choice in seeing an ex is when its a ex-spouse and you have kids involved.

xfreakazoidx said:

The only time you don't have a choice in seeing an ex is when its a ex-spouse and you have kids involved.

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Which he does....and that's the main concern he has (is his boys).

I don't know if it's fear......it *could* be that she's believing that by not having a higher paid position, that will increase her spousal/child support income. It sounds as if she makes all decisions based on what's best for *her*right now (ignoring the bigger picture---which includes her own future). Trying to reason with someone that's unreasonable is only going to exhaust you.

IMO.....maybe text messaging would be the best form of communication for you. That way you have a record of everything.

Honestly, I wouldn't even explain myself even that much to her. I'd say contact via phone only and she knows the reasons why. If she says she doesn't, I wouldn't invite confrontation by rattling off all her transgressions... It shows her that you're still keeping track of her, it validates her and it validates her behavior. If she's trying to get attention, she realizes her behavior has worked. I'd just let it go.

If she bullies the kids, honestly, I'd let her know that she's not to do that and, if she persists, I'd bring it to court or mediation, get that using the kids as an intermediary is forbidden. If you've already done that, I'd then go to court to declare her in violation. It's a hassle and an expense, yes, but I suspect it'll be the only way you can get her to take you seriously and the only way to protect the kids. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to remember you being OK with taking those kinds of steps to make sure they were OK.

As to her working, I'll tell you now... That's a battle best given up now. It's one that we fought for years with my other half's ex. You can look to motivation, but in the end the motivation is probably nothing more complicated then laziness. The fact that many states reward this laziness by asking the child-support paying partner to make up the difference in the lack of income certainly doesn't help. Especially if you're ambitious and career motivated, hearing the complaints about her working, or the lack of it, or her financial problems will only make you insane and she'll never, ever, ever aspire to do anything better with herself because there will ALWAYS be a reason why it doesn't work.

In the end, if she chooses to not work and suffer financially as a result, that's something she has to be responsible for, not you. As long as you've gone to court and gotten what you pay cemented, the best you can do, very, very unfortunately, is hope at least some of the money is getting to the kids. And let me tell you, I KNOW how bad it sucks... I really do. I know how hard it is to keep being civil about all of it when you pay that money and hear that, despite having no issues finding the time or finances to go out to dinner and the movies or finding the means for a week long trip to Disney or going shopping for various unnecessary things, you hear from the ex (or even worse, the kids), that the power was shut off because she hadn't paid the bills in months... Which is what happened with my other half's ex... And knowing that even that doesn't inspire any other sort of motivation to work more.

I know I have a lot of issues and have a hard time being nice about it, sometimes moreso then my other half who has to actually restrain himself from going off, as I work 12-14 hours 6 days a week and, as a result, we're just about free of debt, save for the credit card from his marriage that went to her expenses as well, and have a great savings account... And I'm totally and completely incapable of understanding why somebody would remain intentionally under employed, especially when they have kids. I don't have a single concept of why or how one would be OK with that level of complacency.

So... As you can see by my rant, it's a frustration that will never go away... I'd let the work thing go. If it gets in the way of her ability to properly take care of the kids, go to court. But otherwise, telling somebody with no ambition or desire beyond catering to their own laziness to work harder is like yelling at the clouds to stop raining. Find satisfaction in looking at her and knowing you're the complete antitheses of her and that your ability to work, sacrifice, and provide for the kids and not your own personal satisfaction makes you the better person.

And, for God's sake, reinforce with the kids how important it is to work and sustain themselves, less they get caught in the same cycle she is when they are adults as they saw nothing better.

My dh has an ex who is worse than yours. As others have said you need to keep documentation.

When I was in nursing school I cared for a girl who was brain dead because she didn't have an inhaler at her friend's house. Her mother responded to the friend's house and instead of calling 911, drove her to the hospital. If a situation like what happened at the baseball game ever happens again I would suggest you call either the police or CPS immediately to make sure your child gets prompt care.

My dh has had several restraining orders filed against him. His ex-gf started taking him to court when his son was 2 because of an argument he had with her. He completely re-did the junker of a house she had purchased and after about 10 years in the relationship he noticed things weren't right and she admitted to having a relationship with a co-worker. She told him they should see other people. But, of course her relationship didn't work out and she dated others. But, every time she got wind of him dating, she would cause a scene. When she found out we were engaged she started crying and called him and told him she wasn't over him yet. She showed up at our church and "told" on my dh. The pastors quickly realized she was nuts.

She has done everything to ruin the relationship between my dh and his son and accuses him of everything that she does. After we married she turned some of her venom on me. She has caused at least 3 false police reports to be filed, but we have been protected from all of them.

We are in California and my dh has used about 6 lawyers and thousands of dollars in court. Most of it was a total waste. We finally got a decent lawyer and the last time she dragged him into court the judge awarded us attorney costs for her frivolous pursuit. We haven't been back since. My step-son grew up watching his mom and half brother physically fight. We got the call record of 911 calls to her residence, but it was never allowed into evidence. CPS is a joke for the most part unless the child has marks on them. Lack of medical treatment (asthma) is a huge deal that should be taken seriously. Most judges do not want to change custody much unless there is a really good reason. Safety would be a good one.

Your kids seem like they know what they want. My step son is used to using people and has called my dh a few times after arguing with his mom and saying he's done and wants to come live with us and tells my dh to call an attorney. He always changes his mind though. He's 14 and my dh has told him that he's old enough to address the court.

I can tell you that in the courthouse we have gone to, the attorney makes all the difference. The judge didn't give the time of day to the attorneys that I saw, but it was a different story when we walked in with the son of another judge. If you need an attorney and live in Southern Ca. I can give you the info on the one we used.