H
Heaven's Fool
Guest
I have a question that may lead to some controversy, but it is a question that I need to ask.
What is a good marriage? What is a part of it? I know that marriage was ordained by God in order that man might have a helper suitable for him, but what is an image of a good marriage? My wife and I recently got married, but neither of us has had an example of a healthy marriage.
I'll explain. On my end, my father was working all the time, and lying about having a job when he wasn't. I found out when I was sixteen that he was cheating on my mother (at around the same time that he backed out of going fishing with me the one time he was going to), and I found this out after he left my mother and God to go live with another woman that he had met online. They got married a few years later; they were waiting for her divorce to become finalized. The entire time, my dad justified himself, told me that my mom was just as much to blame and that he wasn't leaving me and my sisters but leaving my mom. That's a load of refuse. My father was always a selfish man who even got mad at my mom when she suggested he wake up at eleven o'clock on Saturdays to go to my football games when I was the equipment manager for the team. His reason was that he worked nights and I didn't really do anything in the games anyway.
My oldest sister ended up marrying a man just as selfish as my dad, though they barely lasted three years, and now she is remarried to someone else. As far as I know, they have a healthy marriage, though I'm on the other side of the country from them. My other sister married a great guy who is perfect for her, but again, I'm on the other side of the country. They only examples of healthy marriages I've ever seen were either people I hardly knew and was thus unable to get a good picture of it for myself, or in movies, and so I'm not able to trust them.
For my wife, she was adopted by a single mother who is emotionally distant to just about everyone. Her grandfather is a verbally abusive man who has even admitted to me that he doesn't know how to show affection to anyone. Unfortunately, his frustration and rather graceless attitude causes him to yell and insult, even his wife who had severe dementia from two strokes. I was living with my wife's grandparents and one of her aunts (who was in an even worse relationship with her husband) for three years while they tried to prevent us from being married by keeping me there while they helped with my health and her as far from me as possible. I know it sounds like a strange situation, but that's because it is.
In June 2009, she had nowhere else to go and thus had to go back to living with her mother. Unfortunately, the cultic control that they tried to hold over her (calling us children, telling us that even wanting to get married was sinning because they didn't want it then, not letting her even walk more than a mile and a half away from home) caused us to run off and become homeless. It came to a head when my wife's mother told her that she never wanted her to be independent and didn't care if she ever got a job because she wanted her to stay there for the rest of her life. After we left, we got married two weeks later.
This happened just a month ago, and we've been married for just over two weeks. I will admit that a main reason I married her was to get her away from them. I see it in the way that God describes choosing Israel: because they were the weakest. They would not have survived without Him, and she would not have survived as long as she lived with her adoptive family. The thought of that wrenched me in the spirit, and I could not stand to let that happen.
Unfortunately, when I describe the control they had as cultic, I am not exaggerating. They claimed to be Christian, but they had such confusing teachings (including the separate congregations that I went to growing up) that I'm still having to learn how to reject them. We have both decided to completely reject what we learned on the basis of them having taught it to us. If it is true, and we see that in the Scriptures, we will accept it on the basis of Scripture. Neither of us have seen a strong or healthy example of a godly marriage: either the husband was verbally abusive or neglectful, and finally ran off, or the wife was expected to kowtow to all his wishes even to the point of asking permission to buy toilet paper, or the wife was the leader in the home, spiritually and even economically, while the husband was either henpecked or apathetic.
I am not even just describing the marriages of nonbelievers, unfortunately. I am describing the marriages of those who claim to be Christians. They say that they are Christians, which would put them apart from the world, but their marriages are just like those of the world and their lives and worries and fears are the exact same lives and worries and fears of the world. If we are called to be holy as God is holy, our marriages must be holy as Christ's marriage to the Bride that is the Church is holy. My problem is that I don't know what a godly marriage looks like. On paper, as Paul and Peter describe it, I can see, but I have not seen actual people put it into play enough to be able to apply it to my own life. I need hope, but I need that hope from being able to see that it is possible.
We're in dire straits. As we were required to go homeless in order to escape them, we are now living in separate homes, and have not been able to stay in the same house at night since we got married. It's putting such a strain on our relationship that I just don't know how much longer I can carry on. We're waiting for my Supplemental Security Income to be approved and sent, and then we have an offer for a trailer that is so good we can see that it is a God-send. However, the devil has been trying to not only tear us apart, but destroy us individually so we cannot raise godly children, as we are determined to do. I need to know what a godly marriage looks like, though, so I can be the father my father never was.
Both verses and personal testimonies would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, and God bless.
What is a good marriage? What is a part of it? I know that marriage was ordained by God in order that man might have a helper suitable for him, but what is an image of a good marriage? My wife and I recently got married, but neither of us has had an example of a healthy marriage.
I'll explain. On my end, my father was working all the time, and lying about having a job when he wasn't. I found out when I was sixteen that he was cheating on my mother (at around the same time that he backed out of going fishing with me the one time he was going to), and I found this out after he left my mother and God to go live with another woman that he had met online. They got married a few years later; they were waiting for her divorce to become finalized. The entire time, my dad justified himself, told me that my mom was just as much to blame and that he wasn't leaving me and my sisters but leaving my mom. That's a load of refuse. My father was always a selfish man who even got mad at my mom when she suggested he wake up at eleven o'clock on Saturdays to go to my football games when I was the equipment manager for the team. His reason was that he worked nights and I didn't really do anything in the games anyway.
My oldest sister ended up marrying a man just as selfish as my dad, though they barely lasted three years, and now she is remarried to someone else. As far as I know, they have a healthy marriage, though I'm on the other side of the country from them. My other sister married a great guy who is perfect for her, but again, I'm on the other side of the country. They only examples of healthy marriages I've ever seen were either people I hardly knew and was thus unable to get a good picture of it for myself, or in movies, and so I'm not able to trust them.
For my wife, she was adopted by a single mother who is emotionally distant to just about everyone. Her grandfather is a verbally abusive man who has even admitted to me that he doesn't know how to show affection to anyone. Unfortunately, his frustration and rather graceless attitude causes him to yell and insult, even his wife who had severe dementia from two strokes. I was living with my wife's grandparents and one of her aunts (who was in an even worse relationship with her husband) for three years while they tried to prevent us from being married by keeping me there while they helped with my health and her as far from me as possible. I know it sounds like a strange situation, but that's because it is.
In June 2009, she had nowhere else to go and thus had to go back to living with her mother. Unfortunately, the cultic control that they tried to hold over her (calling us children, telling us that even wanting to get married was sinning because they didn't want it then, not letting her even walk more than a mile and a half away from home) caused us to run off and become homeless. It came to a head when my wife's mother told her that she never wanted her to be independent and didn't care if she ever got a job because she wanted her to stay there for the rest of her life. After we left, we got married two weeks later.
This happened just a month ago, and we've been married for just over two weeks. I will admit that a main reason I married her was to get her away from them. I see it in the way that God describes choosing Israel: because they were the weakest. They would not have survived without Him, and she would not have survived as long as she lived with her adoptive family. The thought of that wrenched me in the spirit, and I could not stand to let that happen.
Unfortunately, when I describe the control they had as cultic, I am not exaggerating. They claimed to be Christian, but they had such confusing teachings (including the separate congregations that I went to growing up) that I'm still having to learn how to reject them. We have both decided to completely reject what we learned on the basis of them having taught it to us. If it is true, and we see that in the Scriptures, we will accept it on the basis of Scripture. Neither of us have seen a strong or healthy example of a godly marriage: either the husband was verbally abusive or neglectful, and finally ran off, or the wife was expected to kowtow to all his wishes even to the point of asking permission to buy toilet paper, or the wife was the leader in the home, spiritually and even economically, while the husband was either henpecked or apathetic.
I am not even just describing the marriages of nonbelievers, unfortunately. I am describing the marriages of those who claim to be Christians. They say that they are Christians, which would put them apart from the world, but their marriages are just like those of the world and their lives and worries and fears are the exact same lives and worries and fears of the world. If we are called to be holy as God is holy, our marriages must be holy as Christ's marriage to the Bride that is the Church is holy. My problem is that I don't know what a godly marriage looks like. On paper, as Paul and Peter describe it, I can see, but I have not seen actual people put it into play enough to be able to apply it to my own life. I need hope, but I need that hope from being able to see that it is possible.
We're in dire straits. As we were required to go homeless in order to escape them, we are now living in separate homes, and have not been able to stay in the same house at night since we got married. It's putting such a strain on our relationship that I just don't know how much longer I can carry on. We're waiting for my Supplemental Security Income to be approved and sent, and then we have an offer for a trailer that is so good we can see that it is a God-send. However, the devil has been trying to not only tear us apart, but destroy us individually so we cannot raise godly children, as we are determined to do. I need to know what a godly marriage looks like, though, so I can be the father my father never was.
Both verses and personal testimonies would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, and God bless.