I am in terror, feeling like a scared boy trapped in the body of a 20-something year old - scared, lonely, and desperate for help. I longed for the embrace of a father’s arms, a friend’s care, some form of affirmation. But all I have is neglect and pain.
I repent of my sin, cutting off my ties with that which tempts me, whether my addiction or my drive for homosexual behavior. I have gotten rid of them. I know righteousness is not through the Law/works; I know it is through faith by God’s grace. The gospel proclaims that I must repent and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, his perfect life a propitiation, his blood and death a sacrifice for my sins, my sins imputed on to him, his resurrection an offering of new life for me. Yet, why then, do I get no joy from his Word? Why can I not simply believe in my heart? Why does God not love me enough to let me believe? Am I holding on to some sin? Am I holding back? What is it – tell me and I will throw it away for your sake, Lord! Is it my utmost desire to be loved by people on this earth, to be treated like a fellow man, to be able to speak without feeling terror? God if those are idols, let me be rid of them! I only want you. If only I could know instead of be hopeless.
Sorry for my life story.
You are going through an enormously difficult time, clearly. Try to remember, as all of us sinners must do, that God is always at the ready to quickly forgive us if we but ask. Sometimes we get ourselves into sin-situations from which we can never (in this life) fully, if ever, escape (porn, greed, lust, anger, etc).
But the fact that you are genuinely sincere in your sorrow shows that you ARE a Christian. God will always forgive us if we are trying to do our best not to sin and always confess when we commit/omit them. Making our own heart understand God forgave us, however, is not as easy to do.
This may help...
When God looks on any of us, His most precious Creation, all He sees is unworthiness. But, when Jesus died on the Cross for all of our sins God had to look at Jesus' blood, shed for you and me, and forgive us no matter what sin we may commit/omit. All God sees, then, is Jesus' blood covering, completely, all of our sins. ALL of them- past, present and future (ones we have yet to commit/omit). And He does so willingly, gladly, lovingly. God loves us- each of us- so much that HE became one of us to pay for our sins against Him.
Do not despair, fellow Christian, Jesus loves you as you are. Yes, He wants you to serve Him and stop sinning. But He also knows we humans cannot stop sinning. Thus, Calvary. Remember, if Jesus didn't love you (knowing everything you would do from birth to grave) then He would not have died on the Cross. You are no more (or less) a sinner than all the rest of us. I have found when I am stuck in a sin (that I think no one else has ever or would ever do) that if I look up passages related to that sin I find comfort in God's promises of His continued and forever love for and forgiveness of me. God loves you with an everlasting love that cannot be bought or sold. You simply cannot sin enough for God to stop loving you. Nor, can He love you more than He does right now. You are the apple of His eye!
God bless and take care, you are saved if you are ashamed of and have guilt for your sins. And, you are always and forever forgiven upon sincere and humble confession.
I'll keep you in my prayers.