What about custody or access?

Hi

I would be interested to hear from some of the women in this forum about how they dealt with the custody/access issue. Especially, where young children are involved.

I've noticed that some of the women here, have separated from their husbands due to abuse. How do you feel about granting access or custody to an abusive ex-husband?

I am interested in this issue since a relative of mine is going through a custody battle at the present time. I am just wondering whether he is likely to get custody or access to his child. Although his wife is claiming that he was abusive, he never laid a finger on her (his words). The only abuse which he is guilty of, was verbal abuse. However, she was extremely manipulative and would provoke him into reacting angrily.

Thanks for your help. (I would be grateful for replies from the men too.)

I think unless there is past criminal convictions or someother legal issues he has a legal right to see his kids if he wants and can petition the court for visitation rights, especially if he is being forced to pay child support he has a right to see his kids.

If none of these things are present the system tends to be biased towards the woman in custody issues unless he can prove somehow that she is mentally unstable.
I have a good friend going through this and he has had to sleep on an air mat in my office because his ex bleeds him dry in child support (he works construction so he is on and off jobs and the courts respond to slowly to child support adjustment for him to not pay during his lay offs especially when the ex fights you so he gets hosed, he just works when he feels like it now and I dont blame him) and he is trying to get custody but it is a very long drawn out process that can take almost a year or longer. I guess you have to try to fight for your kids, but what good does it do to get custody after a year long court battle when it has left you so high and dry you are in a shelter and you cant get custody without a stable home so its a catch 22.

rppearso said:

I think unless there is past criminal convictions or someother legal issues he has a legal right to see his kids if he wants and can petition the court for visitation rights, especially if he is being forced to pay child support he has a right to see his kids.

If none of these things are present the system tends to be biased towards the woman in custody issues unless he can prove somehow that she is mentally unstable.
I have a good friend going through this and he has had to sleep on an air mat in my office because his ex bleeds him dry in child support (he works construction so he is on and off jobs and the courts respond to slowly to child support adjustment for him to not pay during his lay offs especially when the ex fights you so he gets hosed, he just works when he feels like it now and I dont blame him) and he is trying to get custody but it is a very long drawn out process that can take almost a year or longer. I guess you have to try to fight for your kids, but what good does it do to get custody after a year long court battle when it has left you so high and dry you are in a shelter and you cant get custody without a stable home so its a catch 22.

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Thanks for this info. There seems to be a lot of injustice going on here regarding fathers' rights. Where is the equality? Sex discrimination? Yes.

I wonder how, in the 21st century, this sort of injustice can be tolerated in a so-called civilised society?

The structure of the court system I believe in an indirect way led to alot of the problems we see today. A male has absolutly nothing to gain and everything to loose by getting married. If for whatever reason the marriage comes to an end and it is not ammicable the male is typically the one who is ruined if there are kids involved. Im not saying marriage is bad but there is a paranoid stigma associated with getting married these days, men want to make sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are marrying someone they can trust, unfortunatly in order to gain this level of certenty it almost always involves sex before marriage and living together to test drive. The consequnces of making a mistake for the male are to great. Even if it is her fault why the marriage fell apart he will still be the one who is ruined (unless it is a very very extreme case she is shooting haroin and all that) but if she is just manipulative and evil the courts will side with her. the 21st centry is not all its cracked up to be, you exchange proper social order for an ipod lol.

Well, I would try to phrase that to hear from people who are also in the UK. I imagine that custody laws/divorce laws are different from country to country.

rppearso said:

I think unless there is past criminal convictions or someother legal issues he has a legal right to see his kids if he wants and can petition the court for visitation rights, especially if he is being forced to pay child support he has a right to see his kids.

If none of these things are present the system tends to be biased towards the woman in custody issues unless he can prove somehow that she is mentally unstable.
I have a good friend going through this and he has had to sleep on an air mat in my office because his ex bleeds him dry in child support (he works construction so he is on and off jobs and the courts respond to slowly to child support adjustment for him to not pay during his lay offs especially when the ex fights you so he gets hosed, he just works when he feels like it now and I dont blame him) and he is trying to get custody but it is a very long drawn out process that can take almost a year or longer. I guess you have to try to fight for your kids, but what good does it do to get custody after a year long court battle when it has left you so high and dry you are in a shelter and you cant get custody without a stable home so its a catch 22.

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You have to consider who are your friends and what stories you will have access to. I haven't had one dime of child support in 9 years. My friend and her "half" brother's dads didn't pay child support for years until one of them got picked up on a warrant and the other because his current gf made him pay some.

Having sex and shacking up don't guarantee a good marriage; it means you found someone who is willing to compromise on obeying God.

eatenbylocusts said:

You have to consider who are your friends and what stories you will have access to. I haven't had one dime of child support in 9 years. My friend and her "half" brother's dads didn't pay child support for years until one of them got picked up on a warrant and the other because his current gf made him pay some.

Having sex and shacking up don't guarantee a good marriage; it means you found someone who is willing to compromise on obeying God.

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I'm not sure what you mean in your last sentence but as far as the first part of your post is concerned, here, in the UK, divorced fathers are hunted down like dogs by the CSA (Child Support Agency). They don't get away with not paying. I've heard of good, honest men being separated from their children for months and years, having to go to Court several times on appeal just to get access to their children. All the while, paying child support PLUS court fees.

rppearso said:

The consequnces of making a mistake for the male are to great. Even if it is her fault why the marriage fell apart he will still be the one who is ruined (unless it is a very very extreme case she is shooting haroin and all that) but if she is just manipulative and evil the courts will side with her.

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http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainstorm/200809/getting-over-narcissistic-mother
Quote:
"The APA estimates that 1.5 million American women are "official" narcissists, meaning millions more can be found on the lower end of that personality spectrum."

With these statistics, it's easy to see how so many good, honest men find themselves in this predicament. (People with narcissistic personalities often lie and manipulate, even in Court, to get what they want.)

lavenderbees said:

Hi


I am interested in this issue since a relative of mine is going through a custody battle at the present time. I am just wondering whether he is likely to get custody or access to his child. Although his wife is claiming that he was abusive, he never laid a finger on her (his words). The only abuse which he is guilty of, was verbal abuse. However, she was extremely manipulative and would provoke him into reacting angrily.

Thanks for your help. (I would be grateful for replies from the men too.)

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If he was that abusive, she should have filed charges on him earlier. As you state, she can be manipulative.

Unfortunately for the kids, this will be drawn out because both sides seem to have issues where neither are naturally inclined to work out themselves or something would have been agreed on before going to court with it.

I was not physically abused. Threatened, but not actually. Everything else though, yes I experienced. After time I resented him and made things worse.

In the end, if that person does not feel the other parent is a true danger to the child, they should lay their own feelings to the side. He was "abusive", she was "manipulative", and now they are in court, etc......where usually the judge will see right through whatever is nonsense and they may not like what they are given due to their own stubborness. Not to mention money on legal fees that could be spent on the child.

Some states/countys are pretty biased and will make orders that will forever affect the relationship of the child with one or both of the parents. Some wont. Time will tell.

Prayer for the parents to grow up and do/follow-up with what is right.

In my case, someone told me something once that really hit home.

"He/She will only love thier child as much as they can when they hate you less"

Someone has to give. Not all agree, and I dont either to a point, but sometimes it takes one parent laying down all pride and past resentment to allow the other parent to focus/become the parent they should be. That's what I did. There are still issues, but overall, the positives have been very beneficial to the kids.

lavenderbees said:

I'm not sure what you mean in your last sentence but as far as the first part of your post is concerned, here, in the UK, divorced fathers are hunted down like dogs by the CSA (Child Support Agency). They don't get away with not paying. I've heard of good, honest men being separated from their children for months and years, having to go to Court several times on appeal just to get access to their children. All the while, paying child support PLUS court fees.

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My last sentence was responding to rppearso's post about how men have to try out women and live with them first in order to trust them.

There are bad men and women. The U.S. will revoke someone's driver's license and issue a warrant for their arrest if they are past due in the payments being collected by the District Attorney. I went to many court dates with my ex-h. I didn't know about this kid until after we filed our first tax return together, but he denied it was even his because the mother didn't put my ex's last name on the birth certificate. Of course he did have sex with her. He got into this past due predicament because he never let the court know that he had been laid off from his job. You know he just ignored the issue which my friend's dad and her step-brother's dad did also. Try getting an order for a paternity test 17 years later. It's probably one of the reasons he moved to another country so he wouldn't have to deal with that or support our two kids.

I've heard stories about the crazy women good men get hooked up with and I've had my share of idiots. It goes both ways. It gets annoying when I hear folks only acknowledging one side. Some of the police officers in the city where I used to live believed my ex and a bunch of lies over me just because I was a woman. It goes both ways. It's not really necessary to make this a man against woman issue. There are bad on both sides.

byHISway said:

Prayer for the parents to grow up and do/follow-up with what is right.

In my case, someone told me something once that really hit home.

"He/She will only love thier child as much as they can when they hate you less"

Someone has to give. Not all agree, and I dont either to a point, but sometimes it takes one parent laying down all pride and past resentment to allow the other parent to focus/become the parent they should be. That's what I did. There are still issues, but overall, the positives have been very beneficial to the kids.

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I'm glad that you did the right thing. You are obviously a good person. Unfortunately, however, there are people (men and women) out there who try to cut the other parent out of their child's life. This is what is happening to my relative and that is why he has no choice other than to take his ex-wife to court to fight for partial custody of their child. Otherwise, he could lose all contact with his child, through no fault of his own. (It was she who initiated the divorce.)

eatenbylocusts said:

I've heard stories about the crazy women good men get hooked up with and I've had my share of idiots. It goes both ways. It gets annoying when I hear folks only acknowledging one side. Some of the police officers in the city where I used to live believed my ex and a bunch of lies over me just because I was a woman. It goes both ways. It's not really necessary to make this a man against woman issue. There are bad on both sides.

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Yes, of course. Gender should not come into it but, unfortunately, in a Court of Family Law, gender does come into it. Most judges are biaised towards the mother of the child, especially, in cases where the child is quite small.

Most of the time, you would not find low-life wasters bothering to attend a custody battle. The type of men you mention, are not normally found in a Family Law Court. However, there is another type of man that would be found there. A male narcissist. I know of one who, after initiating a divorce, took his wife to Court to fight for custody of their 2 year old child.

Personally, I have no time for people who initiate divorce and then try to get total custody of their child. Why did they bother getting married in the first place? A child is not a possession to be fought over. I just wish that people could stay together for the sake of their child. What is so wrong with that? (Even just waiting until the child is out of nappies and attending school.)

I apologize. I missed the main question in your OP.

If one feels thier child is in danger by being with the other parent, then it should be followed up on and action taken in the steps it requires.

I guess I was trying to read too much inbetween the lines with all the other stuff you posted, but here's my opinion/answer to your question.


Likewise for the father. He could bring up alienation on her part.

Divorce is a sin. (lets get real for a minute) It isnt the end of life as we know it but it is still a sin, a missing of the mark of perfection lived out.

The problem with sin is that we commit it and we pay a price for committing sin. (and sometimes in spades) But also the insidious nature of sin is that our loved ones pay the price as well for our sins...especially our children.

Some divorcees get so caught up in the fighting that they treat the children as manipulatable tokens to be fought over. As if they get them they have won something that the other person wanted. Never mind the child's feelings or needs in any of their squabbles.

That being said...

The courts have had a tendency to side for maternal rights more so than paternal rights for a long time...ever since women finally got legally mandated Equal rights discrimination suits. The courts have had a tendency to listen to the mother and give her custodial rights more so than the father unless it can be proven that she is incarcerated for being a felon.

A few judges today are letting the pendulum slide back more towards the center. One inch at a time. These are known as the Paternal rights judges when going to civil courts. (and if you are a guy you do need to judge shop...considered unethical but still done under all kinds of names and reasons)
the fact is that many women today are taking advantage of us guys regularly. They shop around for the few "nice guys" there are and then destroy them with a variety of tactics resembling Gaslighting...(not crazyness centered but...)

Meanwhile you have predatory guys doing the same thing to women...

Oh the predator's intentions start out just fine...but in the end their own shortcomings get the best of them.

It is just the way things are. Sifting through all of the single people to figure out who is who when you stunk at choosing a mate last time...really needs to be done by someone else this next time around. But we know how we all would feel about that now don't we?

my ex was emotionally abusive to me and thats the grounds im going on for supervised access
so i assume if theres been physical abuse u could request the same.

im doing it all through the lawyers.