up a creek

i have a stepdaughter that is 11. three years ago when i first married her mother we got along great. then i became the head of the house and thigs went downhill from there. what should i do, be the friend that the experts say to do or be the father the bible described?

Isn't there a balance between the two? Why can't you be a father and a friend both?

the then i became head of the house is probably why-marrying someone w/a child is very different then a childless woman.

Leave the discipline and tough parenting to the mother-your role is to provide guidance, support the mom, be a friend but with some authority-not main disciplinarian, or "head of"....that's why it goes downhill w/remarriages. Either grasp that or be ready for another divorce.

How did your relationship with your stepdaughter change? Maybe by identifying things that changed when you married her mom you can identify the things that are creating the rift in the relationship.

Stepparenting is not easy - no matter what the age of the child. Is her dad in the picture? How do her mom and dad get along? How do you and her dad get along? Have you and your wife brought another child into the family?

There are so many factors that can affect the relationship and dynamic of the new, blended family. It's not easy, but blending can be successful if the parent and the stepparent are on the same page. There are lots of great Christian resources out there - and even stepparenting classes that can help you all iron things out.

*duplicate*

When you say "father the bible described", you do mean parenting with love and grace, correct? Children do not need friends, they need parents.

You entered her life as she is entering puberty. A hard row to hoe from the start.

I gained 4 step daughters when I married my wonderful bride. No boys ! So I'll share a couple of points that will help you from wanting to go out for milk, and never come back

Never take anything personally. They are humans with personallities. Sometimes they make it hard to love them, They can be mean, ugly, bullies, and evil. But they are your brides child, and God's children.

You are not alone. Your wife and you must parent as a unit. In the begining, my wife expected me to jump in and rule the roost, but I had to explain to her that I cannot come out of the gate like that until they get to know me, and more importantly, know that I do care for them, and they can trust me. From the beginning, my wife set me up to be the final authority. She exgagerated this ealry on by defering even the simplist request from the girls when the wanted something. She would say, you'll need to ask "me". In the beginning, the oldest, then "13" absolutely hated me and "mom" for marrying again. For the first year she would not speak to me, and when she asked for something, and mom set her to me, she dropped the request before she would ask me. While this sounds tyranical, and cruel, it was not. For example, when se was 14, she wanted a TV in her room. She refused to ask me. Her mom later told me that's what she wanted to ask, but would not. While we hated the thought of her having one in her room, about a month later I bought her a TV, and put it in her room. That was the first time she spoke directly to me with a "thank you". It took about 2 years before we could hold half a conversation, and she would accept help from me with her homework. This summer she'll 18 and out of high school with honors. She'll hug me on special days (without feeling for a softspot to plunge a knife).

If I can sum it up, the key was to demonstrate a parental unit that a single child could not drive a wedge between. The other three girls were younger, but they all have their little ways of trying to wedge between us. Guilt is the largest tool. The oldest used that on my wife a lot by "saying you ruined all our lives by what you have done."

While my wfe made me out to be final authority, she was very active in the decisions. Most disciple was discussed between my wife and I, and then given at a kitchen table meeting. Most of the the time the girl would storm off screaming. Let her ! Screaming is what they do You must pick your battles, and them turning and storming off is NOT one of them. As the head of house, we must show more grace, and be humble in our servitude to our family. That is how you gain their trust, and love. On the other side, they must understand that disobiediance brings consequences. There is always something we could take away, and we have one time or another. ON season, when everthing was out of control. The girls were pretty much refusing to do chores, homework before tv, etc.. I came home one night, and my wife explained that she was tired of it. I walked out of the house with a pair of wire cutters and snipped the cable tv wire. One month without cable. 1 day was all it took for everyone to get with the program, but 1 month was the payment. They also knew there would be other extras from "stepdad" as he was also paying for their deeds because he couldn't watch tv either. Now they knew I was crazy. Prior to that they only suspected it.

And the most important thing to remember, do not get between the girl and her mother when they fight, unless the youth is completely out of control and disrespectful. You do have a duty to protect your wife. I don't know if you know, but females in a single house will sync up their cycles. Do you have a hobbie ??

No matter how ugly she is, you

The repect from the step daughters cannot be demanded, and can only come from them feeling secure, and loved.

Hope some of this might help ~ I feel your pain.

I feel that parents that step in like the above poster have the problems they do is because of the role they took. His wife IMO made a GRAVE mistake in from the getgo or at all making him the final authority on all things-small and big. GRAVE mistake-this is why the girls hated him, blamed them and tried to create a wedge. It baffles me single parents do this when they remarry-well rephrase-most don't and know better-it's only it seems in certain Christian circles this is common. As single parents we have the final authority in all things-and it takes time for kids to heal. They don't chose us to remarry-so if we want to make life more difficult for them in all ways to make US happy then we should be willing to continue our lives, authority and discipline with them same as always-with the stepparent being a role model, father figure, friend and good influence. They should never be final authority-main disciplinarian or "run things by your stepdad" while mom can never make a decision that she may have made for years. The kids will resent the stepparent and lose all respect for their parent. Basically they set up the relationship for failure OR never have a good relationship with the kids.

It's a huge mistake-traditional Christian models work badly IMO anyway-but particularly in a blended family.
The whole thing is so messed up....I don't even want to remarry because of the possibility a guy would try to "take over" as "main authority"...well that and more-but basically single parents-when you are a single parent from THAT point ON and UNTIL those kids are out of the house-whether you remarry or not-YOU are the main disciplinarian, authority figure and parent. Anything other -well then you see the problems we see all over threads.

overit said:

I feel that parents that step in like the above poster have the problems they do is because of the role they took. His wife IMO made a GRAVE mistake in from the getgo or at all making him the final authority on all things-small and big. GRAVE mistake-this is why the girls hated him, blamed them and tried to create a wedge. It baffles me single parents do this when they remarry-well rephrase-most don't and know better-it's only it seems in certain Christian circles this is common. As single parents we have the final authority in all things-and it takes time for kids to heal. They don't chose us to remarry-so if we want to make life more difficult for them in all ways to make US happy then we should be willing to continue our lives, authority and discipline with them same as always-with the stepparent being a role model, father figure, friend and good influence. They should never be final authority-main disciplinarian or "run things by your stepdad" while mom can never make a decision that she may have made for years. The kids will resent the stepparent and lose all respect for their parent. Basically they set up the relationship for failure OR never have a good relationship with the kids.

It's a huge mistake-traditional Christian models work badly IMO anyway-but particularly in a blended family.
The whole thing is so messed up....I don't even want to remarry because of the possibility a guy would try to "take over" as "main authority"...well that and more-but basically single parents-when you are a single parent from THAT point ON and UNTIL those kids are out of the house-whether you remarry or not-YOU are the main disciplinarian, authority figure and parent. Anything other -well then you see the problems we see all over threads.

Click to expand...

I do believe you misread, or misinterpreted, or just could never understand my entire post. But thats OK. The older one hated me before she knew me. She has now grown ve3ry fond of me, as we parent as a unit. My wife wanted to model a parental unit, not a single parent unit. So she in the beginning she defered many things to me that she could have excluded me from. She wanted to show the working model to the girls, and demonstrate what a healthy family can be.

After all, if the step-parent in not going to be included, whats the point of marrying?

I can say that aftter a few years, we all have a good time and love each other immensely. The Christian model works, and always works. After all, God is the source of all LOVE.

Wrong-it doesn't as most traditional role marriages fail at a higher rate then egalitarians. Again-I see nothing wrong w/including the person in the decision making process and showing unity-of course-I said and I stand by....a single parent should not DELEGATE authority to the step-parent in final say or decision making process-it is a mistake and causes huge adjustment issues in the family.

indagroove said:

The older one hated me before she knew me. She has now grown ve3ry fond of me, as we parent as a unit. My wife wanted to model a parental unit, not a single parent unit. So she in the beginning she defered many things to me that she could have excluded me from. She wanted to show the working model to the girls, and demonstrate what a healthy family can be.

After all, if the step-parent in not going to be included, whats the point of marrying?

I can say that aftter a few years, we all have a good time and love each other immensely. The Christian model works, and always works. After all, God is the source of all LOVE.

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If I remarry, this is what I want. I want my husband to be an active part of the boys lives - in every respect. I can't ask him to emotionally "adopt" my children if I'm not going to give him a voice in our house b/c any issues that come up are going to affect him, too.