Unresolved feelings for ex :(

Hi,
I've been married for 2 years to a decent guy who is a great dad to our 7 month old daughter. I feel like I constantly wrestle with feelings for my ex-boyfriend,however. We were crazy about each other and connected on many levels- I often yearn to speak with him, but I would never do that. He was respectful of me, my teaching career and just seemed to love me with a deep love that not many find. I broke up with him because he was an evolutionist and wrestled with what to do about "science" and the gospel.

I would witness to him and he would make strides, but I was worried about being unequally yoked, so I followed God and broke up with him, but his memory and love we shared seems to haunt me. My husband isn't a bad guy but is very inconsistent and often rude, and I never forget little hurtful comments he has made. No one else in my life has ever said such hurtful things that make me feel bad about myself. I find myself constantly comparing him to my ex and I always feel like we will someday be together again. Why can't time seem to heal?

I felt like I was obeying God and married a man with a good Christian family and the checklist of what I wanted but there just isn't that deep connection and a feeling of being cherished. He does try, but it doesn't come natural to him and not much time passes before he is a jerk again. Even though I almost backed out days before getting married I went through with it because we received hundreds of presents and I thought maybe it was cold feet-we had been friends for a few years and I still cared about him but I just didn't feel right on my wedding day...Anyhow I guess I can't turn back without causing catastrophic damage, but how do I get past this longing for my past love?

Ok - you've idolized your ex. He definitely had his weaknesses too. Encouraging you to pray and ask Yahweh to remove those fantasy thoughts and feelings that you have toward your ex Then if you begin to think about him, immediately rely on Scripture that says you and the husband of your choice are in Gen 2:23 "And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh:..."

Suggest reading Love and Respect by Emerson who was a pastor for decades. This book is based on Eph 5:33 "However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband."

Also, you know you need to forgive your husband for hurting your feelings and the sooner the better. Don't lose sight of he is a good Christian and had "the checklist of what I wanted." Now he's a great dad, etc. These are not small things! I'm not surprised you married Him.

tturt said:

Ok - you've idolized your ex. He definitely had his weaknesses too. Encouraging you to pray and ask Yahweh to remove those fantasy thoughts and feelings that you have toward your ex Then if you begin to think about him, immediately rely on Scripture that says you and the husband of your choice are in Gen 2:23 "And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh:..."

Suggest reading Love and Respect by Emerson who was a pastor for decades. This book is based on Eph 5:33 "However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband."

Also, you know you need to forgive your husband for hurting your feelings and the sooner the better. Don't lose sight of he had "the checklist of what I wanted." Now he's a great dad, etc.

Click to expand...

^This

Is this your ex-boyfriend or a hero from a romance novel?

You have created a romanticized version of your ex in your mind. You focus on all his positive traits, but minimize the his negative traits. You never even got to see many of his negative traits, because you never married him. Every married person will tell you that a year into the marriage, they look at their spouse and think "is this really the person I married?" You learn more about a person after marriage (both good and bad) than you ever could by just dating.

It's unfair to compare your husband to some idealized, romanticized image of a man--whether it be a character from a romance novel or an ex-boyfriend that you never really got to know as intimately as you now know your husband.

It's also unfair to your marriage. Focusing on this unreal, idealized version of your ex-boyfriend it keeps you from focusing on (and improving) the problems in your marriage.

Realize the image in your head of your ex-boyfriend is not based on reality, then stop thinking of him and focus on your husband.

Just stop.

^^^ agreeing with everyone else. The grass is always greener ... let your ex go and work hard on your marriage with your husband. If you need marriage counseling, then go for it, but while you focus on your ex, you are damaging your marriage, and it will NOT get any better.

When you split up, did you just run away? Or did the two of you talk things through?

What everyone is saying might make sense, but it's not easy to get your heart to follow along.

That's why she needs to use her head to control her heart. Anything is possible - with God - and with thought. She needs to commit to the man she is married to and let go of the man from her past.

Whisperingheart said:

Hi,
I've been married for 2 years to a decent guy who is a great dad to our 7 month old daughter. I feel like I constantly wrestle with feelings for my ex-boyfriend,however. We were crazy about each other and connected on many levels- I often yearn to speak with him, but I would never do that. He was respectful of me, my teaching career and just seemed to love me with a deep love that not many find. I broke up with him because he was an evolutionist and wrestled with what to do about "science" and the gospel.

Click to expand...

You broke up with him because he's an evolutionist?

Whisperingheart said:

I would witness to him and he would make strides, but I was worried about being unequally yoked, so I followed God and broke up with him, but his memory and love we shared seems to haunt me. My husband isn't a bad guy but is very inconsistent and often rude, and I never forget little hurtful comments he has made. No one else in my life has ever said such hurtful things that make me feel bad about myself. I find myself constantly comparing him to my ex and I always feel like we will someday be together again. Why can't time seem to heal?

I felt like I was obeying God and married a man with a good Christian family and the checklist of what I wanted but there just isn't that deep connection and a feeling of being cherished. He does try, but it doesn't come natural to him and not much time passes before he is a jerk again. Even though I almost backed out days before getting married I went through with it because we received hundreds of presents and I thought maybe it was cold feet-we had been friends for a few years and I still cared about him but I just didn't feel right on my wedding day...Anyhow I guess I can't turn back without causing catastrophic damage, but how do I get past this longing for my past love?

Click to expand...

Sounds to me like you broke up with your ex for a silly reason, and got married to your husband for a bad reason... No good advice here.

If you want to stay with your husband, I'd suggest simply remembering that feelings can change over time, so shared values and beliefs can be more important over a lifetime. Unfortunately I don't have any advice concerning him being a jerk either. Maybe let him know you don't appreciate his ways?

there are different issues going on at the same time, rolling into one. maybe you are dissatisfied with the way your husband treats you, but rather than dealing with it, keep it to yourself? like the hurtful comments.. do you draw this to his attention, are you assertive? OR do you nurse a secret love for the way your ex was towards you instead and compare them so you dont have to face your problems.. it is unfair that you got married without feeling right about it, maybe being more honest about yourself is needed.. are you afraid to be open and honest?

tturt, I think you told me exactly what I need to hear, and it feels good to just get it off my chest. Yes- we have listened to the audio of Love and Respect- couldn't hurt to listen to it again! Thank you all for taking the time to read my issue and respond.

I broke up with him because I wanted to honor God and he was a very confused man because of his immersion in the scientific/evolutionary field (he was going to school to be professor in Herpatology-study of snakes and amphibians). Because of our differences in background we had interesting conversations, and I enjoyed teaching and sharing the Bible with him. Plus he was just a gentleman and had a respect for me and was a very grateful person for anything I would do for him-also very attracted to me- I never felt insecure with him- I always felt cherished. It is so hard not to compare...I guess the hard thing is I broke up with him, not because I wanted to but because I felt I was being obedient to the Lord which should always be far more important.

But, alas, yes, who knows what it would have been like to have been married to him, and our breakup took about two years in which time he started to self-destruct in a way. I made what I thought was the best decision at the time. I just don't get what the point was of us meeting and having this great love, and how even though I pray about it- feelings still come up. They usually surface on Sunday nights and sometimes when I am alone in bed (my husband is a night owl and comes to bed very late even though we have tried to compromise on this). Maybe I just want to feel with my husband what I felt with him. My husband does try and I don't think means harm but he speaks a lot without thinking first and is spoiled (his dad was a famous NFL player). He has has a lot of great qualities and I do love him, so I will do my best to take every thought captive- and, yes, I am very assertive about his hurtful comments- almost aggressive because I am sweet and worry about being a doormat. It is so hard to handle him in a Christlike way. Both of his parents warned me that he can be a difficult person. I married him anyways because I felt like I would still want to be around him, and because I am an indecisive person so I second guess myself. He is good about apologizing and hugs me but its only a matter of short time before it happens again. I just feel like I will always have this aching for a certain type of love...I guess the type where you feel really cherished and precious to that person.

I dont believe there is "THE ONE" when it comes to finding the right match, but I do believe people can be compatible. So dont beat yourself and feel you possibly missed out on your chance with "the one", like someone else here said, he might not have been right for you anyways and you mighta found that out down the road.

All you can do now is look at your present and your future because if someone looks in the rearview mirror too much, they usually wreck the car because they miss whats right in front of them.

Concerning the issues with your husband, you still CAN develop deeper intimacy with him and come to fall in love. Spouses have to do this all the time. It isnt just meet --> fall in love --> marry --> become roomates. No, every couple has to continually rekindle the flames of love. And dont forget in most Eastern cultures, marriage isnt based on the big feeling but rather the bigger feelings come after being married to one another and working through stuff. But if you're husband is rude to you often, you two need to work on that. Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ [tenderly and sacrifically] loved the church, just as wives are supposed to respect their husbands. If you don't feel strong enough to set boundaries when it comes to verbal abuse, then see a counselor. There is NO shame in it whatsoever. S/he can help point you in the right direction.

You dont sound like a very ocnfident person, you sound rather wavering and confused. Dont take that personally, I know. Trust me, I know and understand. Btdt. You have to work on you and have respect for yourself too and people tend to respect people who are confident (not cocky, just rightly confident). Sometimes when husbands see their wives flourishing in who they are meant to be, they do gain more respect. And if not, well then its time for couples counseling.

((((hugs)))) and dont overly stress, God's got ya!

I have to ask . . . do you have interests outside your marriage that are fulfilling? I ask because it seems like your focused too much on "the men", plus it seems to me that you are bored and need to find something more stimulating . . . thus you look to the past because its something familiar and it's a distraction.

If that is correct, find a passion that moves you forward instead of backward.

Just a thought . . .

Thank you, Anon. Lots of good words. Yes, I do want to learn about boundaries and have been wanting to read the book Boundaries.

How he talks to me doesn't seem to have to do with a lack of confidence as he does this with his parents and friends too. He is generally seen as a sweet person but then talks very impatiently and rudely to the people he is most comfortable with often trying to cut people down- so naturally he does get along better with easygoing people (like myself). Sometimes I wonder- bipolar? He tests as highly intelligent/gifted and sometimes uses this as an excuse. I get very worried because he can be demeaning just like my dad is with my mom and I worry about a lifetime of this. We may seek counseling...

Lisah- I am actually a well-rounded person and don't dwell on the ex much but when the feelings hit at odd times they are very strong, hence the reason I wrote the post- I needed to get them out! I maintain a good social life even with a baby and we have a good Bible study group. I guess I just need to find coping mechanisms like prayer or writing when the feelings hit. And maybe you're right, maybe I do need a passion ( since my ex and I were very passionate about each other and I felt very alive and excited about life with him). Maybe that is what I'm craving as well. Thank you all for your time and thought and helping me think things through in a godly direction!!