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MC0

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Hello Everyone,

So my bf and I have been courting for nearly two years. Its been an ok for the most part. He is not so bad, he is actually a great guy. Its been both a mixture of Long distance and proximal distance as my church volunteer work and paid work gets me in and out of the state where he lives. I'm in Nevada and He is in California, so the distance is not not that far apart. We do see each other a few times in the month. Its just that since the 6th month mark or even way earlier in the relationship, I find myself getting easily snappy with him. Its gotten to the point where I can not just wait to drop the phone after a conversation, and when the phone cuts off unexpectedly, I catch myself saying "Thank God". Really, 98% of the time, there is no reason to be irritated at what he is saying or doing, but for some reason, I just get so sour. While he is talking on the phone, I find myself rolling my eyes, sighing deeply, and just being sharp and snappy. Sometimes, the most innocent conversation where he is calmly expressing his thoughts about something gets me rolling my eyes. He is soft spoken, gentle, and takes his time when speaking. This last part gets soo MUCH on my nerves that when he saying something, I think to myself "why can't you just talk quickly and smoothly? Why stall?" For some reason, that gets me soo mad, then I start getting more and more snappy and I just want to get off the phone. At the end, he doesn't know what he did wrong, I don't know what he did wrong, I just don't wanna hear him talk...

I'm not sure what this is. I'm sure it sounds horrible but, I am acknowleding the fact that something is wrong and thats no way nice to him. And we do see at least twice a month, so I don't think its the long distance thing. When I see him physically, I don't get snappy. I'm excited and happy and elated. But after we go our separate ways and we get talking on the phone 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours after we just saw, I start to get snappy with him. We are both committed and faithful, I just don't know what the issue is...

Thoughts?
 

NiobiumTragedy

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Thoughts? End the relationship... but I think you already knew that.

I'd also evaluate yourself on how you respond to others on the phone. It could be you just don't like talking on the phone or you need to learn patience. Either way, this relationship won't end well if it continues.
 
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K9_Trainer

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Are you like that with others on the phone? Have you been experiencing impatience or frustration in other areas of your life with other people?

When you talk to him, do you get a chance to speak and express yourself as well? Could you possibly getting frustrated because you have something to say but he is taking his time talking and you aren't getting the chance to chime in?

Have you tried talking with an instant messenger or a video chat?

Are you really TRULY happy with him otherwise? You aren't bored with him? You enjoy talking to him in person and being with him? Is he somebody you can see yourself spending your life with? Be honest with yourself here too...You don't need to figure out some excuse if he's just not the right guy for you or the relationship isn't turning out as you'd hoped. I'm sure he is a good guy, but if he's not good for YOU, then it doesn't matter. It's important to keep in mind that you are two years in too...Sometimes couples go through stages where they get tired of each other or even dislike their partner.

I'm not sure what the cause could be, but it definitely doesn't seem like a good sign for the relationship.
 
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Tiredknight

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IMO,

I think you need to get over yourself. IF there is no reason for why you are acting that way then just stop. Change your behavior. Change your attitude. Change your heart. If there is no reason for why you are acting that way then the problem is you and you need to get with God and fix it. It is not fair to him to be happy when you see him, but then be a turd to him on the phone... IT is probably spinning him around in circles trying to figure out what he did wrong...

IF there is a reason for you to be acting that, i would suggest talking to him and being open with him about it. He might have some insight. The #1 reason couples fail is because they refuse to communicate... Their to stubborn or thick headed to work out their issues...

Don't throw him away. Work it out and if it still does not get resolved then there might be a deeper issue you might need to resolve...
 
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K9_Trainer

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I agree with a lot of this too.

Occasionally I find myself getting irritated with my bf over stupid things that really don't matter, I just have to recognize that I'm doing it and literally tell myself to knock it off and let it go. I remind myself that I love my bf more than I love having things my way because usually when I find myself getting irritated, it's about me. I think you need to first figure out if there really IS an issue or not, a reason behind this, an explanation. Maybe it's him, maybe it's you, we don't know yet obviously or you wouldn't have posted this.
 
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Thunder Peel

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Sometimes distance and separation can do strange things to people. Part of your frustration may be the fact that you're not together on a regular basis and you may resent having to talk on the phone and interact in that fashion when you'd prefer to just be talking face to face.

If this is an issue then you need to decide two things: do you want to spend the rest of your life with him and, if so, then you two need to look at marriage and being the same place permanently. Two years is a long time to simply date, especially over that kind of distance, and if you care about each other in then it's time to grow up and make a lifelong commitment. It sounds like you're in a rut and either you want out or you want to be in the same place. Either way, you both need to talk about this and work through it before it festers into a more serious problem.
 
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MC0

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Thanks Everyone! Your comments are very insightful. To be honest, I sometimes ask myself why I am still in a relationship with him. Its just that his whole world view is different from mine, and so are our ways of thinking. I think that is the big underlying issue that someone hinted at. His approach to issues is this slow, confused, unsure, surface approach. And I am this spitting-fire kind of person and so when he starts talking about his issues, I just roll my eyes and say "come onnnnnn! think think think! think deeper than that shallow stuff! Talk faster, be more bold, fierce, and quick...Speak with confidence" I was brought up to take the bull by the horn, chase after the world as if its your prey, go out and hunt for what you want, the world is at your feet kind of stuff. Bam bam bam. He is this drag my feet, one step at a time, whatever-comes-my-way-I'll-work-on, lets take life as it comes, slow slow kind of person. It gets me so mad, especially when looking at the future and careers and stuff like that. We talk about this difference but it ends up him shutting down and being afraid to speak whats on his mind, and then me having to try and bring him back out. In his head, he is confident, bold, and determined...In my head, he needs to stop this slowness thing and start thinking deeper and faster and taking the world by storm.

He does not have alot of stuff on him now...I don't believe in entrusting your life to a man just because he has money, cars, and stuff. I think that even if a man does not have a lot of stuff with him now, so long as he has an intelligent mind, a great work ethic, a positive outlook on life and an inward drive and a determination that will propel him forward against all odds, he has all he needs to succeed. It is that approach to life that makes people succeed and fulfill their potential. I will be willing to spend my life with such a man, even if he had no penny when we first started out together. I just feel that this man that I'm with has the work ethic, but very little of the other ingredients. He does not challenge the world and venture out to build life...He does this minimal effort and thinks its ok. Thinks he has tried his best. In his head though, he has all of that stuff and is taking advantage of all the opportunities that come his way...well, I don't see it! I just do not see it! And it makes me feel like if I decide to end up with him, I'll become that way and not reach the height I'm supposed to reach. And so, when he starts talking, I just start rolling my eyes and saying, "Gosh, why am I still with this man?"

But the only thing holding me back is that this is the same person that for a good 2-2.5 years, I kept praying about and was receiving some confirmation that this is who God had in store for me. Every afternoon in my meditation, there was just this gentle voice that spoke about this same man and pointed me towards him as the person I am to be with. It was so bothersome that I went to speak to my aunt and uncle who are both preachers down here in Nevada. My aunt said maybe that meant God was calling me to be with him. So, I decided to go out with him. But 2 years later, I look at the issue I spoke about in the beginning of this post and I am having some serious doubts...I just am...

Thoughts?
 
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Thunder Peel

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If you're having serious doubts then you need to talk to him and end this now. It sounds like you're just dragging him along and he's either oblivious to it or doesn't care. Either way, he deserves to know how you feel and it sounds like maybe you need to just break it off and let him go, especially if you're having this many doubts about his character, personality, and life-stage.
 
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A2597

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Thoughts? This can go in sooo many directions.
You could be together for you to learn patience, or for him to learn to assert himself. Thing is...those can happen in marriage, or apart from each other, after the fact.

Right now, I would *not* advise engagement / marriage, but I also wouldn't break it off until you've had a good heart to heart with him (In Person!) and let him know all of this, and talked through it.

Best advice I got in terms of relationships was from my mentor "Follow it to it's logical conclusion." In some cases that means they end before the first date, others later on. But if you can't see yourself marrying him, then you have reached the conclusion. sooo... talk with him, and figure it out.
(if you were married I'd be giving very different advice, but you are not under any vow or commitment to stay with him.)
 
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NiobiumTragedy

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I don't believe a relationship is the right place to learn to better yourself. You do that and then get into a relationship, not the other way around, so I can't advise to continue for the cause of working out your own issues and using this person as a guinea pig to meet the ends of your own goals. However, I feel you do need humbled a little because you seem to look down on people who don't think as fast as you do to the point of being arrogant.

You can't change him to be what you want him to be, so if you're thinking that, you need to stop and realize he will be the person he is for a long time. If you can't accept that or it "annoys you", you better end it regardless of the past two years so you don't hurt him more in the long run.
 
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K9_Trainer

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Personally, I don't think the choice of who you date/marry is something God controls. I think that's an area where you have free will and you decide.

Anyway, pretty much everybody has made mistakes when it comes to dating. With few exceptions, we've all dated somebody that simply wasn't right for us. A lot of times, we don't figure out what we truly want in a partner until that happens, until we stick ourselves with somebody that is what we DON'T want. It sounds like this may be one of those instances. You've been dating this man and finding yourself annoyed with him, and it's made what you DO want in a man far more clear.

Can it work with the current guy? Of course. But you have to accept him for who he is. You can't keep those ideals in your head for a perfect man and expect him to change or somehow mold him into that. He doesn't need to stop his slowness or taking one step at a time. That's him, that's how he is, how he approaches life. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just how he is. Could he make some self improvements? Probably. He might be able to learn more confidence, and decisiveness. But that's not something you can teach him or decide for him, they're improvements he has to choose to make on his own, at his own pace. You have to love HIM, not an ideal version of him. Don't think of him as "He's perfect, he just needs to change X, Y, and Z". If X, Y and Z are wrong for you, then he's not perfect. His flaws come with the package.

2 years is a long time to be with somebody, but you don't have to remain in a relationship just because you've invested that amount of time into it. You've learned some things about yourself, and you can at least come out of it with a better idea of what you want in a man, that's certainly not a waste of 2 years.
 
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A2597

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NiobiumTragedy said:
I don't believe a relationship is the right place to learn to better yourself. You do that and then get into a relationship, not the other way around...
Click to expand...

Relationships have a way of bringing out both our strengths and our weaknesses. I've learned an incredible amount from my past relationships, and all have helped me grow considerably. I know for certain that will include marriage, and believe that marriage itself is a sanctifying process.

However I also agree with what you are saying, one should *never* enter a romantic relationship for the goal of self improvement. Do everything you can to better yourself before hand, and then once in the relationship find out just how much more you have to go. It's a life long process involving lots of grace and patience.

But if you are not learning anything from your relationships, you're doing it wrong IMHO.
 
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LinkH

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When I read the OP, I put myself in the boyfriend's shoes and thought I might want to break up with you if I were in his shoes. Sorry.

If he hasn't promised you marriage, you haven't gotten engaged, and you've both kept yourselves physically pure in your relationship with each other, I don't see any reason why you should be obligated to think you need to get married or continue on with a romantic relationship that leads to marriage. Pray about it, of course, but if he isn't the type of man you could marry because he doesn't have the drive to accomplish things, breaking up might not be the worst thing.

It is extremely important that you be able to respect him. If you are rolling your eyes and snapping at him when you talk, that's a bad sign. If that happens in the early stages, before the Honeymoon, even, you could face some real difficulties with this when you marry.

There are two factors here you might look at. Maybe there is something about this man that makes it really hard to respect him. Even if he were an accomplished scientist, influential statesman, successful businessman, Biblical language scholar, and missionary church planter who won nations to Christ, when you get married, you will eventually see his flaws and if you are a fault-finder, you could find yourself tempted to not respect him. You could look at your own heart, and maybe you have something in there that makes it hard to respect men, or a man you are in relationship with. If that is the case, since Bible commands wives to respect/fear/reverence their husbands. You can't allow yourself to have that attitude when you get married and you need to cultivate the right attitudes before you marry. If it is fundamentally a problem with you, then you need to pray for yourself. He could let you go because you have a problem with respect. I think that is a valid reason for a man to break up a relationship headed toward marriage.

And maybe you have a problem with respecting him in particular. Maybe there is something about his personality that pushes your buttons that makes it hard for you to respect him, even though you could respect someone who had a bit more drive to accomplish things in life. Even if this is the case, it is good to pray about the respect issue in your own heart to prepare for marriage. But when it comes to this relationship, you need to ask yourself if you could respect/reverence this man as your husband and if you could submit to his headship. If the answer is 'no', maybe for his sake and yours you shouldn't continue this type of relationship with him. If you think the problem is with you, maybe you should take a break from dating and spend time with God in prayer and in the word working on these issues.
 
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Inkachu

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Speaking from experience... you need to break it off. Two years of "courting" where you only see each other a few times a month AND for the majority of the relationship, you feel intolerant towards him? Where is this going? Do you think time or marriage will suddenly make it all wonderful and perfect? Things get HARDER when people get married. I dated someone for several years who was also very sweet, kind, loving, and faithful. However, he also had a very quiet, slow-speaking, slow-moving manner about him, that drove me insane, and I found myself feeling irritable and impatient towards him most of the time. I did eventually break up with him, and it only made sense to me to do it, because everyone would gush about how wonderful he was and how much he adored me. But I'd think to myself "Yeah, but I don't feel THAT way about HIM".

Your future husband should make you giddy with delight, not irritable with impatience. Take the cue and end it.
 
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