'Unconditional' love

Silver Speak · Sep 10, 2004

Not sure where I should post this topic but I'm just wondering... Is there such thing as 100 % unconditional love? God loves us that way, yes, but between two people?

I just feel kinda sceptical about the concept and that's exactly why the idea of marriage scares me at times... I mean, I want to get married one day but I have some huge doubts about it. Maybe my self-esteem is too low or maybe I'm just cynical...

I just don't see why anyone would be able or even willing to deal with all the 'bad' things about me for the rest of his life. I just can't imagine it.

oldrooster · Sep 11, 2004

That is because you have never been loved like that before, when somebody loves you with UL, they see no faults or wrong.

Mayzoo · Sep 11, 2004

Hubby and I have been married 14 yrs, and have one kido . We have loved each other every day of our marriage. We have not always liked each other for the choices we have made, but the love is still there. My hubby is full well aware of ALL my faults and shortcomings as I am his. We love each other fully anyway. It is a concept sorta like....the good most definately outweighs the bad in both our opinions. We are willing to overlook some shortcomings we have, we encourage each other to change some shortcomings we each have, and we disagree "fight" about some shortcomings we each have....BUT even when the love is not in the foreground, it is in the background of everything we do.

I will try to answer more specifically when I get a bit more time. This is an excellent question by the way!! One we should all explore prior to marriage, because let's face it..none of us is perfect!!

Oh, while I am out for a couple hours, do/did you have a pet that you have loved despite its failings in say the chewing department, the barking department, the scratching department, or the "accident" department?

jenptcfan · Sep 11, 2004

As far as unconditional love goes, I think we like to believe that we are capable of loving other human beings with unconditional love, but I don't think we are. I think we can get really really close to unconditional love, but we can't ever do it perfectly. Only God is capable of perfect love.

For example: Have you ever been in a situation where a person you loved very much did something hurtful? Maybe even unintentionally? And maybe you reacted out of frustration and said something you would come to regret? Even though you love that person, you reacted unlovingly to that person (even for a split second)....that's not a perfect unconditional love.

It's not how God loves us. God always knows the perfect way to react to our shortcomings, and we as humans don't always know what to do.

I don't think that means anyone should be scared of marriage, because you can still find someone who will love you to the best of their ability, and treat you like a Godly husband should. But it just means we have to forgive eachother of our shortcomings.

bliz · Sep 12, 2004

Only God can love perfectly becasue only God is perfect. As much as we will try to do that for our spouses, we will fail, and let's be honest about this, there will be moments when we aren't even willing to try!

The truth behind "happily ever after" is that no one lives happily ever after. Marriage is like a roller coaster ride. There will be tiimes when you are deeply in love, and times when you wonder why on earth you married this person, and worse, times when you are aware that he is wondering why on earth he married you!

But the love is always there and the "in love" feeling comes back again and again. But this is why it is important to find someone you like as much as you love. Someone with whom you share Christ, but also some core values and goals. Someone who can make you laugh, and someone who laughs at things you say - that are intended to be funny.

Yes, marriage is scary becasue it is a major commitment. I worry far more about the people who say "love will conqure all". Only God's love does that. Human love fails, sooner or later.

The marvel of marriage is that it is possible to forgive and carry on and come to be in love again even after he has failed you and you have failed him. Marriage is a commitment to keep woprking at it - not to have a perfect life together.

Romantic love is great, but it often obscures what really matters.

WolfGate · Sep 12, 2004

Yeah, 100% unconditional love is the goal since that is what Christ modeled for us. Will we all fall short? Yep. But to be honest getting close makes a relationship very, very good.

Realize as well that marriage really needs eros, philia and agape love. So, during those times when you are angry or upset with your spouse and not feeling the passionate love (eros), you still act towards them with the appreciative love of a family member (philia) or the instructed love for them as a fellow person (agape) - which doesn't require you to emotionally like them at that moment. If you do that, the marriage will thrive despite the occassional disagreements and hurt feelings.

bkg · Sep 12, 2004

no - humans cannot love unconditionally. The nature of Sin simply doesn't allow for it. Given that, I think people can learn to love in a near-unconditional way - in a way that looks past faults, that looks past hurt, that looks past struggles and sees the persons soul, and loves him/her for that alone. That is possible, but it's not easy, probably nor IMHO, unconditional.

That beings said, there's one other thing wrong with hoping that humans can achieve uncondtionaly love - how do you measure it? If you look for someone else to love you unconditionally, you may find yourself finding faults in him/her that may lead you to believe they indeed do not love you unconditionally - but by taking notice of that, you yourself are not loving uncondionally. Hmmm... not sure that sentenece will make any sense to anyone but me..

Jenna · Sep 12, 2004

I'd love to try and love unconditionally, but I know that I'm just not capable. I'm glad that God can do it though. There are just some things that a person could do to me or my loved ones that would have me on the far end, very far away from love. I can love someone enough to not want them to go to hell, but that's about as far as I can make it with some people. I don't think that I will ever be put in that kind of situation with my spouse though, or else I wouldn't have married him. So, I try my best to love to the fullest of my abilities. I may not reach 'unconditional', but it takes a lot to shake me.

Mayzoo · Sep 12, 2004

Hmmm, I guess I am still just a bit stary eyed. I can't fathom anything that would cause me to not love my husband and child. Worse case senerio--my husband hurt me to my very core (adultry), and I could no longer remain married to him, I would not stop loving him. My daughter could cut me to the core....forsake me eternally--and I would still love her.

I am not capable of unconditional love of everyone, just my husband and my child. I would as Jenna said....love them enough to not wish them in hell.

Jenna · Sep 13, 2004

I wonder how Adam and Eve thought about Cain after he killed Abel.

Mayzoo · Sep 13, 2004

Well, I haven't had one child kill the other, but I know of two couples who have had one child intentionally kill the other. They still love the child that killed. They obviously are in great turmoil, and raked with grief because now they have not just lost one child to murder--they lost the other to jail. I won't say the relationship is just like it was before the murder...but they still love the child that lives despite the murder. They still visit the child in jail. And they have reached one of the highest maturities of Christianity, they have forgiven the child that killed. The love was always there....the forgiveness took time.....and they still have not come close to understanding.

MagicStar723 · Sep 13, 2004

Yes we can. We will fall short in areas like forgive and forget or others but I believe that there is true unconditional love.

canehdianhotstuff · Sep 13, 2004

reminds me of the petra song

"If i had to die for someone could i die for someone els elike me"

something liek that lol

makes u think if u have that much love for someone to give ur live away liek Jesus did.
would u, im not sure myself, but in some cases im sure i would.

Dexx · Sep 14, 2004

Alot has to do with your upbringing. Did your parents express a deep love for you and for each other? If not then your personality would have been shaped accordingly and such a love will come harder. It also depends on the 'wow' factor of the person you meet. If you have alot of chemistry and are 'head over heals' in love then this will carry you for several years.

But regardless of how starry eyed you are at the start. There will come a day when you love your spouse because you are committed to them. Its a choice you make - to serve them and put yourself 2nd. Not necessarily because you want to but because its right.

Silver Speak · Sep 14, 2004

Thank you for the replies, they're all great -keep them coming!

Dexx said:
Alot has to do with your upbringing. Did your parents express a deep love for you and for each other?

Yes. I know they love me very much. They support me and encourage me. So do my sisters and my friends. I don't really know where my insecurity is coming from 'cause I've had a so-called easy life and I know there are people who care about me. It doesn't have much to do with my personality. I consider myself a strong person and the thanks goes to God -I know I can trust Him to make the best of my life. Yet, it's hard to believe I would find someone to care about me enough to overlook my flaws...

I know it sounds dumb but most of all, I feel I'm not attractive enough. I guess that's not the major factor in a relationship but I still worry over that kinda things... I want to be the best wife I can be, one day, and I want to make my husband happy in every way but I feel that he wouldn't be happy with me. It's hard to say what exactly is the problem but I'm not getting over it.

Dexx · Sep 15, 2004

Silver Speak said:
I don't really know where my insecurity is coming from 'cause I've had a so-called easy life and I know there are people who care about me...I know it sounds dumb but most of all, I feel I'm not attractive enough.

Well if your Avatar picture is you, i dont think you have much to worry about visually. A question though - you say you have a strong personality; would you consider yourself an independent kind of person? A goal setter? Are you a career person? I ask because some women today (on some level) dont want to be married. They are enjoying a single life and a family may detract from that. There's nothing wrong with this. Not every woman is cut out to be a wife and mother.

If, however, you (someday) want children and the love of a lifelong partner, then disregard my first paragraph

bkg · Sep 15, 2004

You are a very attractive young lady (I can say that now that I'm over 30... ), so don't worry about that at all.

I don't think there is a single person who can honestly say that he/she doesn't worry about being loved. We all have the insecurities, to some extent, that we simply are not worthy of love. Satan likes it when we feel that way.

One day you'll come to a place where the clouds will part, the sun will shine and the wetness of the road will fade away... and you'll realize that people love you for who you are... not for who you want to be or think they want you to be. And when you come to that place, and it's so incredibly perfect, you may say "it's too good to be true....". Don't. Just look around at all of God's beauty and take it in - enjoy it for what it is - no more, no less. If you can do that, you'll be able to experience (and more importantly, appreciate) love from another person like nothing you've ever imagined. The day the scales fall is a day to remember - it's a good day.

Don't worry about *if* that will happen, as it will happen. Enjoy this time as a preparation for being able to recognize when it does happen....

bkg

Mayzoo · Sep 15, 2004

There is a whole thread in the women's discussion forum on "personality vs looks"--it is from the women's point of view, but you might have a look at it and see what you think. For me, I don't give a hoot what a person looks like, my attraction stems from their heart and soul. I don't feel I am attractive either, but my hubby disagrees with my frequently AND visa versa, he doesn't feel attractive, but I have found no man attractive to me but him...so to each his or her own I guess

laura-ann · Sep 15, 2004

I mostly agree with mayzoo - i dont feel i am attractive - but fiancee will always disagree

Silver Speak · Sep 17, 2004

laura-ann said:
I mostly agree with mayzoo - i dont feel i am attractive - but fiancee will always disagree

Nice

I don't really care about my SO's looks either... For me, he would still be the same person if he changed the way he looks. It's not a big deal it used to be a big deal but now... I don't care. But how big part do you think attraction plays in a relationship?

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