ultimatums...

A2597 · Oct 17, 2006

So...fun one for ya....

I gave my first ultimatum just now to a friend. I hate having to do it, but well...I guess I'll just explain.

I met her a year ago, we dated for 6 months. Somewhere in there she learned my ribs are extreamly ticklish. I hate being tickled, but when we were dating...meh, it made her laugh, and she was going though some rough spots. So I put up with it.

Once we broke up, IMO that should stop. But it didn't. (We remained friends, obviously).

Doesn't matter where we are, meetigs, etc...she'll give it a go. So....finally told her that it's a deal breaker in the friendship....guess we'll see. I'm serious about it though.

opinions? Too much?

Beautiful Fireball · Oct 17, 2006

A2597 said:
So...fun one for ya....

I gave my first ultimatum just now to a friend. I hate having to do it, but well...I guess I'll just explain.

I met her a year ago, we dated for 6 months. Somewhere in there she learned my ribs are extreamly ticklish. I hate being tickled, but when we were dating...meh, it made her laugh, and she was going though some rough spots. So I put up with it.

Once we broke up, IMO that should stop. But it didn't. (We remained friends, obviously).

Doesn't matter where we are, meetigs, etc...she'll give it a go. So....finally told her that it's a deal breaker in the friendship....guess we'll see. I'm serious about it though.

opinions? Too much?

I just gave a guy friend an ultimatum along the same lines also. So no, if it bothers you I think you did the right thing. Would she still be doing something like that if she had a BF? If you had a GF how do you think it would make your GF feel? If she wants to be your friend then great, but then she needs to stay a friend, and not cross that line into that gray area. I don't think you did the wrong thing. In fact I should have done the same thing myself a long time ago, I let my friend go to far, its better to stop it now and stop the confusion that could develop later on.

JayCdn · Oct 18, 2006

I should start by saying that I dislike ultimatums even in more serious situations ("If you don't stop drinking I'll..."). Maybe I missed it but I don't see you having stated to her before that you disliked the rib tickling. If this is coming out of nowhere, if this is the first you have said anything about it, I'd say this is a definite overreaction.

I don't personally see anything wrong with tickling, as far as what a girlfriend would say if another girl was tickling me. I am a fairly physically open person. If this is something that bothers you, for whatever reason, then she needs to respect that and ease off, though I still think there are better ways than ultimatums.

Terri12345 · Oct 18, 2006

My friends all poke me in the side...I make a funny noise. I still shove my ex bf or poke him in the stomach when we're all playing around.

Ultimatiums are ...not very "friendly". I wouldn't want to be friends w/ someone who gave me an ultimatium...however, I also wouldn't want to be friends w/ someone who CONSTANTLY did something that I found very irritating (like you seem to find the rib thing to be...)

maybe you guys shouldn't be friends?

A2597 · Oct 18, 2006

oh, I've asked her to stop sevral dozen times over the past months...many...many times. She never gets the message.

JayCdn · Oct 18, 2006

A2597 said:
oh, I've asked her to stop sevral dozen times over the past months...many...many times. She never gets the message.

Alrighty then, I am glad to know this isn't something clear out of the blue. I still dislike the idea of ultimatums but if this is something that is really bothering you and she really wn't stop then why not walk away? If this person isn't respecting you or listening to this it seems that either she is relatively inconsiderate and disrespectful, or that you aren't making the message clear. I guess by not being clear I mean the difference between giggling "no" as she pokes/tickles you, and taking her aside and seriously saying, "I really dislike it when..."

p.s., what is IMO?

Athalia · Oct 18, 2006

IMO= In My Opinion

Periann · Oct 18, 2006

Oh and IMHO means In My Humble Opinion (though I sometimes interpret it as 'in my humorous opinion lol), that one took me forever to get.

Anyway back on topic Ultimatums aren't something that Im that much into. I am one of the most gullible people Ive ever met and Ive been easily fooled/tricked, though I think now Im pretty good at spotting a liar or practical joker as they like to be called. So my ultimatums about-'never allowed to trick me' have never worked, as they pretty much have the opposite effect.

Though Ive been known to have given my old roommate an ultimatum or 2 that have worked...'like if you don't clean up Im hiding the toilet paper' silly stuff like that. And to some guys about inappropriate language. I had a good guy friend who would use really vulgar language around me especially and it really ticked me off, I told him that if he wanted to stay friends he needed to stop. He thought it was a joke until once I kind of turned the tables on him in front of other people and he got the point that I was serious about that. And he stopped. But we were never as good friends as we had been since that point.

JayCdn · Oct 19, 2006

Thanks Athalia

Sketcher · Oct 19, 2006

Good for you.

A2597 · Oct 19, 2006

well...she's agreed to it...so, we'll see how things go from here...

Mrs. Luther073082 · Oct 19, 2006

Most friendships after a dating relationship are doomed to fail anyway.

Terri12345 · Oct 20, 2006

maycontainnuts said:
Most friendships after a dating relationship are doomed to fail anyway.

A month ago, I would have STRONGLY disagreed with this statement.

My best friend is my ex. But...he came home (from school) a few weekends ago...and it's just weird...bc neither of us are dating anyone else and we both love each other and are attracted to each other....but we KNOW we're not good for each other and...it just gets weird b/c we don't know where we stand and we get jealous and blah blah blah.

Er...at least I do...and I'm ASSUMING that he feels kinda the same way.

Mr.Cheese · Oct 21, 2006

I'm incredibly affectionate so I dont' see why tickling would be such an issue.

But there may be more to this that we don't know.

Llauralin · Oct 22, 2006

It's difficult to know what to think without body language and intonation. If someone's tickeling you, and you're sort of gasping, and you glare at them and tell them to stop, it's kind of difficult to know if you really mean it seriously, or if you're just doing some friendly teasing.

The whole ultimatum thing is a bit odd; I would first inquire whether, when you told her before to stop, you put some weight and seriousness into your expression and tone of voice, so that she knew you were perfectly serious. Otherwise... it's very hard to know if someone is just saying "I don't think I can be friends with you any more" as a tease, or because you're driving them nuts.

ultimatums...

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