Two Questions For Gays

Leah · May 22, 2008

1. If you adopted a child and he/she asks both of you why he/she has two moms or two dads, what would you say to that child?

2. Last week on my job, I was talking with a bisexual man and he said to me that he choose to be that way and that homosexuality is a choice. So if it's a choice, then how come some gays say that they are born that way???

cheese007 · May 22, 2008

1. I'd be honest about it.
2. I can say from experience that a bisexual's orientation is fluent. Some days I am more attracted to women, some days more to men. However, I can stay emotionally attached to one person despite this. There's also the fact that a bisexual can choose to date only men or only women, so it may feel like a choice in that respect as well.

Morrigu · May 22, 2008

1.- I would be honest in a way that it made clear to him/her that just because he/she has a different home situation it doesn't make jim/her any less than other people.

2.- Well, i don't know about him, if he made that choise then it would be something strange. Truth is it was never a choise to me, i didn't wake up one day and said, "mmmh, i think i want to be gay"... Just like you didn't wake up one day to say "mmmh, i think i want to be straight"...

It just happened. I'm fine with who i am now, but it was never easy, and in fact The only choise I made was not to torture miself anymore trying to be something I wasn't. The only choise I made was to stop fighting myself, to stop pretending i was straight.

Leah · May 22, 2008

So how does one know if he/she is gay or not?

cheese007 · May 22, 2008

Imana said:
So how does one know if he/she is gay or not?

Quite simply, you're attracted to the same sex. I also believe I explained how his bisexuality may make him feel that he DOES have a choice.

Leah · May 22, 2008

Attracted in what sense?

Blockwell · May 22, 2008

Imana said:
So how does one know if he/she is gay or not?

It was really not that hard to figure out.

1) I have fallen in love with men, but never with a woman.
2) I have never had the desire to even see a female undressed. Gag!
3) I find the male form sexually compelling.
4) I have never even once had a sexual dream where a woman was involved.
5) Every woman on planet is as sexually desirable to me as sleeping with my sister.
6) Fantasizing about sex with men gives me an erection, but women do not.

That pretty much defines me as gay.

cheese007 · May 22, 2008

Imana said:
Attracted in what sense?

Sexually, emotionally, or both.

Morrigu · May 22, 2008

cheese007 said:
Sexually, emotionally, or both.

I would say that its Sexually AND emotionally.

You can't be gay in one but not the other.

cheese007 · May 22, 2008

Morrigu said:
I would say that its Sexually AND emotionally.

You can't be gay in one but not the other.

I'm not so sure about that. The fact that quite a few people would probably admit to having a exual attraction towards an individual, yet not having an emotional attraction towards them, seems to lean in favor of my arguement. However, if research can be shown to prove me wrong, that would be great.

NPH · May 22, 2008

Imana said:
1. If you adopted a child and he/she asks both of you why he/she has two moms or two dads, what would you say to that child?

I have two biological children that I have full custody of. If/When I become involved in a relationship with another man that reaches the point of sharing a home together I will tell them just what any other parent would tell their children "This is who I love and they are going to be living with us now and helping to take care of and raise you. Isn't that awesome!?"

2. Last week on my job, I was talking with a bisexual man and he said to me that he choose to be that way and that homosexuality is a choice. So if it's a choice, then how come some gays say that they are born that way???

It was went over before, but i'll repeat it as well. Being bisexual myself, you feel as if you do have a degree of choice because you are not completely turned off by one gender or the other. But it's not as if you are straight all your life and then one day think "hmm, I'd like to start dating guys as well".

If your friend really believes it's a choice, then see if he can make this choice: Either be completely gay or completely straight. If he is really bisexual and really believes it to be a choice then he can, at his whim, become completely unattracted to (even completely revolted by) one gender or the other.

IMO, your friend is viewing everyone else through the lens of his own experience ... which is that he finds both genders appealing.

For my own part I sincerely wish that I could stop being attracted to women at all and be totally homosexual in my orientation. But I can't, because it's not a choice. I would be much happier if I could be, bisexual isn't all that fun lol.

Morrigu · May 23, 2008

cheese007 said:
I'm not so sure about that. The fact that quite a few people would probably admit to having a exual attraction towards an individual, yet not having an emotional attraction towards them, seems to lean in favor of my arguement. However, if research can be shown to prove me wrong, that would be great.

Ah, you say in Individual cases... I understand then, yeah, of course you can only be sexually attracted and not emotionally, or emotionally attracted and not sexually, or both...

I though you were talking on a more generalized way, like saying you could be gay in just the sexual aspect but not emotionally. I mean, i have known of some "straight" guys who have sex with men, but those are so obviously represing their true sexuality that they only prove what i say, you either take the whole deal or you take nothing

onemessiah · May 23, 2008

CaptainYesterday said:
For my own part I sincerely wish that I could stop being attracted to women at all and be totally homosexual in my orientation. But I can't, because it's not a choice.

Lol....after some of the women I've had to deal with, I can't say I blame you.

HaloHope · May 23, 2008

Imana said:
1. If you adopted a child and he/she asks both of you why he/she has two moms or two dads, what would you say to that child?

I would tell them (in simple terms), thats famalies are made up of people who love each other very much and that his/her two mums love each other very much and love him/her very much. I would explain that a family is simply made up of people who love and care for one another, sometimes two men and two women start the family, sometimes a man and a woman, sometimes just a single person.

Imana said:
2. Last week on my job, I was talking with a bisexual man and he said to me that he choose to be that way and that homosexuality is a choice. So if it's a choice, then how come some gays say that they are born that way???

People often go "sexuality is a choice!" and I suppose bottom line it can be for some people if they want to have lots of sex. For the vast majority of people it seems sexuality is a mix of how your born and nurture, hetrosexuals dont usually "choose" to be straight and most other people dont choose their sexualities either. Myself? I dont really care about where my sexuality comes from, I meet someone, I like them, Im attracted to them simple as that. Im starting to contemplate whether a sexuality even needs a tag of "Homo", "Hetro" or "bi", it should be a non-issue.

Texas Lynn · May 23, 2008

I can't really add to the first one because everybody has been saying such excellent things. It is possible adoption of one or more of our foster children may occur but that is not likely given that they're older queer teenagers for whom the adoptive ideal of a "permanent family" does not fit; they were long ago resolved to the fact their most significant relationships will be outside bonds of either traditional marriage or parenting. With biological kids you just share what's appropriate for their age and emotions as it occurs. Our daughter, but not our son, had problems adjusting to having a second Mom, but no different from kids in heterosexual families adjusting to having a second Dad or new father-figure or such. Much of it is because my DW is a private, quiet person who makes few demands on others but what demands she does make are significant. Years ago in the "storming" part of relationshjip formation a minor crisis occurred when DD mispaced something of great import to her other Mom. we got through it just as other families go through such things.

As to the other, I can just see the guy saying "it's a choice" just like you say. No offense he sounds like the kind who became a bisexual just to double his pool for hookups (that's a joke). Sure, having sex is a choice; how you feel though is just what happens. There are some who fall in love and others who never do. Somehow I doubt he's too big on relationships other than taking his tricks out for breakfast.

dayhiker · May 23, 2008

I talked to a guy who was straight and then turned to gay sex because he liked guy sex over the hassle his wife was giving him about sex. So I think think some do become gay by choice. I'm also sure others, probably most become gay because grew up with those desires and no chioce was involved. I have no clue what the precentages of each group are.

dayhiker

Leah · May 23, 2008

Blockwell said:
It was really not that hard to figure out.

1) I have fallen in love with men, but never with a woman.
2) I have never had the desire to even see a female undressed. Gag!
3) I find the male form sexually compelling.
4) I have never even once had a sexual dream where a woman was involved.
5) Every woman on planet is as sexually desirable to me as sleeping with my sister.
6) Fantasizing about sex with men gives me an erection, but women do not.

That pretty much defines me as gay.

With all do respect, Blockwell, you seem only focused on sex rather than love. Isn't love one of the main things gays always swear by when it comes to arguing anti-homosexuality??

Texas Lynn · May 23, 2008

dayhiker said:
I talked to a guy who was straight and then turned to gay sex because he liked guy sex over the hassle his wife was giving him about sex. So I think think some do become gay by choice. I'm also sure others, probably most become gay because grew up with those desires and no chioce was involved. I have no clue what the precentages of each group are.

My Grandpa has expressed that, that some men are gay because they just can't get enough women.

I think the big thing is not everybody's alike. Some "gays" haven't had sex with anybody, even the "dancing with myself, oh-oh-oh" like in the Billy Idol song, for decades. Others, well, we have all this anecdotal evidence.

I imagine most are somewhere in the middle.

And the thing so many forget is that gay men lie about how often they have sex just like straight men sometimes.

I've been to Patrick Carnes' 3-Day seminar on sexual addiction. Having investigated child sexual assaults and provided treatment to offenders I can see that many offenders do fit a diagnosis of sexual addiction, as would some straight and gay men who are hounds and a much smaller number of straight and lesbian women. Carnes' paradigm is not that the desired outcome of treating sexual addiction is to have the addict achieve abstinence, but instead intimacy.

I would not be surprised if the character mentioned in the initial post is both a sex addict and bisexual.

Texas Lynn · May 23, 2008

Imana said:
With all do respect, Blockwell, you seem only focused on sex rather than love. Isn't love one of the main things gays always swear by when it comes to arguing anti-homosexuality??

He had 5/6 there but he was making a point. And how would it be if asking a lesbian for such things if she said "I like the way women smell better than how men smell" is that sexual or otherwise?

Some do argue as you say.

Much of the discussion on this issue IMO gets sidetrached on the "how do people become gay" stuff. The people asking that assume there's some reason as if to become straight is a null hypothesis. It's not. Some become gay and some become straight, etc., and that's just the way it is.

It does not matter what causes heterosexuality and homosexuality. What matters is treating others as persons of dignity and worth. There are a significant number, including some who post here, who just do not want to do that and take umbrage when it is suggested that they do.

Blockwell · May 24, 2008

Imana said:
With all do respect, Blockwell, you seem only focused on sex rather than love. Isn't love one of the main things gays always swear by when it comes to arguing anti-homosexuality??

I can certainly appreciate that sentiment based on the list provided. Oddly I always complain that these threads only deal with the sexual nature of being gay rather than the romantic, and then I go and do the same thing; point taken. The list I wrote was the easiest for me to come up with in a short amount of time because the sexual attraction part of being gay is easier to define and quantify as opposed to the romantic part. It is harder to create a list of how one feels as opposed to what one does or would like to do. However I do believe my list (although incomplete) answers your initial question. If anyone is curious though, I have been with my partner now for ten years and while our sex life is not what it once was (like most couple who have been together for that long) the love and physical intimacy we share has only increased and become more satisfying than ever.

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