Trying to understand this friendship i have with my christian friend.

Hannah66 said:

I don't know. I am not sure why my husband left me. He wanted to follow his dream and go to another country and marry a woman from another culture. He never really told me. He said I had been a good wife and he gave me a rating of 97percent. I guess i must have failed him somehow. I was a faithful wife and supported him through the challenges in his life. Maybe my friend doesn't want to hear negative news. i guess i need to talk about what i am having for dinner, that seems to come up a lot in conversations.

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We can all only work on ourselves, and cannot do very much about other people, and if you want to message me privately, I might maybe share a little bit more maybe of what I might maybe think I suspect or see maybe that might be able to better prepare you for any kind of relationships you might have with anybody else in the future, but I'm just not going to say anymore about it publicly on here for right now, ok, but just know my invitation and the door is always open, ok, but that if we do anymore on here, that I think it should be done in private and privately on here, ok...

Be blessed.

God Bless!

Hannah66 said:

I don't know. I am not sure why my husband left me. He wanted to follow his dream and go to another country and marry a woman from another culture. He never really told me. He said I had been a good wife and he gave me a rating of 97percent. I guess i must have failed him somehow. I was a faithful wife and supported him through the challenges in his life.

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I would say any of us can fail others, somehow. And God's word is clear how we are to forgive each other, for however we fail one another > Colossians 3:13 >

"bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do." (Colossians 3:13)

So - - even if you fail me, this does not mean God will have me get away from you; He will have me be your example to help you. And forgive you and keep sharing, growing in how to love. And with loving comes trusting, I would say, in a Christian relationship. And we stay ready with forgiveness so we can keep on with our loving >

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

Any of us can be wrong, at times; this is why each of us needs to have "longsuffering" ready in even our best relationships with ones we rightly trust.

So, it is possible he did not know how to love. And maybe you tried too much just to please him, without growing together in Christ and seeking God together for real correction so you could discover how to love the way God's word means.

I do not think marriage is about what we want, but in marriage we can learn how to share in a close relationship, then help others to learn how to love. Marriage in Jesus is a research laboratory for making breakthrough discoveries in how to love in a close relationship; then we share this with other couples and with celibates and pre-marriage people so we all can learn how to love as family in Jesus.

Maybe my friend doesn't want to hear negative news. i guess i need to talk about what i am having for dinner, that seems to come up a lot in conversations.

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So, you might talk with her about how she is doing with Jesus.

And now you have time to get with God and share with people who are good examples of how God's word says to submit to God and relate as His family.

And pray for him, of course, and for her.

And appreciate what you do have for communication. Trust God to develop your sharing with people. We need to grow in Jesus so we become ready for how God will trust us with people; so trust God to develop your relating with different people.

Two thoughts come to mind. She has a lot on her plate and can't take on anymore. That may be why she redirects the conversation when problems are mentioned. She's at her limit in that area. When you're caring for others its taxing. You're pouring out more than you receive and exhaustion is the result.

With that mind, it seems you need different things from the friendship. You want someone to lean on but that isn't possible for her right now. She can't meet the need and you'll have to look to others for it.

You mentioned gaslighting too. Why would you accuse her of doing that or befriend someone who would? We have a choice in our connections.

Hannah66 said:

I agree with what you said, but it doesn't take long to acknowledge someone's message. I took care of my mother with dementia, I still had time for others....
she hasn't always been nice and has treated me poorly..when i explain to her, it hurts, she says i am overthinking..that is gaslighting.

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Something isn't adding up. Is this your only or closest friend or do you have others? The bother and treatment you've acknowledged isn't consistent with the latter. When people persist in unhealthy connections they do so for three reasons:

There's no one else.
They struggle to make friends.
Or they're insecure.

We don't have to tolerate poor treatment. When we do we must ask ourselves why. Sometimes we hold on to things we should release because we're afraid of being alone. Relationships require give and take and mutual investment.

Hannah66 said:

I agree with what you said, but it doesn't take long to acknowledge someone's message

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Each person is unique; so as I get to know more and more people, I marvel at how ones can have a great variety of ways of not being and doing what I would think they would.

With my lady friend, for just one example she constantly switches and does not do things that I was sure she would do. But she is always ready to care about others, or at least able to get over something she starts to complain about.

So, if I am to share with her, I need to be ready for however she is really going to be and do things. Be ready with the "longsuffering" (Ephesians 4:2) > stay ready with love, and do not let anything not perfect have power over me to get me mad and sad and bad.

Plus, I can be the one who is wrong. If I start to get nasty and controlling inside myself - - I am the problem, and I need to get right first. And then maybe ask her to speak for herself about what she is doing > she often tends to say a reason which is caring about others, not just a practical reason like I might have for things I do. So she can help me to be more loving and feeling for others, and not only practical and logical.

It says >

"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)

So, my first priority needs to be not to try to get what I want with her, but make sure nothing has power to even start to get me bitter, and pray and be creative in love. And in case she is wrong, this approach in me can help to restore her out of a problem.

I took care of my mother with dementia, I still had time for others....

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So, thank God that you have been there for your mother. And yes have time to keep on giving even while you go through things.

But others might not have your realization that we should do this; and so God expects us to be ready to help those who are not giving and responsible and considerate like we are. They haven't got a clue, may be; they can need to be brought up.

But we need to be humble and patient so we can minister this. Real change can take time, because it can take a while for God to truly change our character and not only our acting and gestures.

But I suspect certain people can get self-righteous and self-pitying about how they are the only ones doing the giving. But Jesus kept on giving, didn't He? !!!

"And I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved." (2 Corinthians 12:15)

she hasn't always been nice and has treated me poorly..when i explain to her, it hurts, she says i am overthinking..that is gaslighting.

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Well . . . if this is so - - she could be a less mature person if your husband led her to the Lord. You two could have been much more developed, than she would be.

But . . . also > it is possible that someone just makes a gesture prayer to get saved and she still needs Jesus.

So, get with God in prayer in His love so you can be the example that these people need. And discover how God trusts you with genuine and with needy people as you be His example in His sight.

If your husband could do what he did, I do not guarantee he ever got with the real Jesus or ever did real ministry with genuine conversions and maturity as results. So, she could be a victim, for all I know, not a product of real Christian ministry.

"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

Make sure with God, then.

I won't share anymore with her, because she is clearly not interested and not listening. I have been very supportive and It would be nice to acknowledge my messages rather then being ignored.

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Do what God blesses and encourages you to do. Read what worked for David when he faced such a disaster > 1 Samuel 30.

The enemy took the wives and children of David and his soldiers. So, what worked? Not their crying and talking about stoning David. But David got encouraged and strong with God in prayer, then did what God had him do. And that worked. And David stayed with leading in God's family caring and sharing way.

I forgive and continue to pray for her.

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And do not let a wrong person have power to get us the wrong way. In case he and/or she has not really gotten started with Jesus > "without Me you can do nothing," Jesus says (in John 15:5). So, we do well to trust Jesus to guide us according to all He knows.

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)