Trouble in Paradise

dorig59 · Aug 16, 2012

PS: two things you've said about yourself trouble me too. Why would you sign a lease without knowing if it would fit in with your income? That's very odd to me. Also, why did you mess around with your dad's will like that? Just because your husband said you should? you should have just said no. Again, I don't understand that one.

Helpme22 · Aug 16, 2012

You are absolutely right. I said ok to the lease figuring in my side projects. But I just can't do them anymore. I don't sleep or parent enough. So I want to say to my husband... Pick up the slack. But he won't. Hence the problem with the lease.

ImaginaryDay · Aug 16, 2012

dorig59 said:
Also, don't ask him if you can do this or that with regards to financial decisions. You are by far the main wage earner & you're also the only adult in this marriage. Do what you have to do.

Nice thought, but they are still married. It doesn't work this way and just breeds resentment. The husband not acting like an adult does not absolve him of responsibility, or her of reminding him of it in love.

Helpme22 · Aug 16, 2012

And the other problem I'm having is that I really want to cheat on my husband. I'm drawn to other men. I have started to think about finding a real provider. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I'm saying prayers.

ImaginaryDay · Aug 16, 2012

Helpme22 said:
And the other problem I'm having is that I really want to cheat on my husband. I'm drawn to other men. I have started to think about finding a real provider. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I'm saying prayers.

Maybe a bit off topic, but do you have a Parish Priest that you are in contact with about all that is going on? If not, it may be worthwhile. I understand that the Catholic church may have different views about a lot of the concerns you have brought up than those of us who are more evangelical in our views, especially about roles in the home, separating, and your possible attractions to other men. They may be able to tactfully help you find answers.

dorig59 · Aug 16, 2012

apostolic34 said:
Nice thought, but they are still married. It doesn't work this way and just breeds resentment. The husband not acting like an adult does not absolve him of responsibility, or her of reminding him of it in love.

True, but what is she supposed to do if she's been reminding him "in love" for years? I wasn't telling her to abuse him or be nasty. Just to be smart with the finances since she obviously has no other choice.

Luther073082 · Aug 17, 2012

Helpme22 said:
Here is our issue. He isn't spending large amounts of money behind my back. It's just that he doesn't want to adjust our house etc. he said we can stop eating out etc. he's willing to throw that out there, but he doesn't want to move again. I don't either and we have moved numerous times because of financial problems. It's just that I finally have has a come to Jesus.

So I do worry about breaking a lease and moving 1 month after renting this house. I feel like I'm a psycho. But we could drop our rent by 1k a month at least.

If I move with our son and find a better cheaper lease... Do I just leave him in that big house? His salary barely covers the rent. I would totally screw us over.

The house is his to worry about then. Find yourself a small apartment or move in with someone for a while.

Stop eating out is a good idea, but some things have to be done to get this taken care of.

I think with a lease, isn't there usually a penalty that you have to pay for breaking it? If there is figure out what that is and if it's worth it in the long run.

But you guys are spinning your wheels and while not eating out is going to help things, I think your problems are way beyond that fixing much.

Where the heck do you live that his $78,000 a year salary barely covers rent? Talk about conspicuous consumption.

ImaginaryDay · Aug 17, 2012

dorig59 said:
True, but what is she supposed to do if she's been reminding him "in love" for years? I wasn't telling her to abuse him or be nasty. Just to be smart with the finances since she obviously has no other choice.

I understand. Just speaking from a husband's perspective. She may have to take over for a time, but not for good. He is still responsible for his role in the marriage, until/unless she makes a decision to separate. As she has not done that, I can only advocate that they work this out together as husband and wife with all the challenges that will go along with it.

Luther073082 · Aug 17, 2012

Helpme22 said:
And the other problem I'm having is that I really want to cheat on my husband. I'm drawn to other men. I have started to think about finding a real provider. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I'm saying prayers.

Well naturally when people are having major problems with their spouse in one way or another, they are going to be drawn more towards other people and therefore more tempted to cheat on them. And that doesn't make it right.

My sense in you isn't so much that you want to find a "real provider" but you want to find someone who isn't so reckless with the money. Because the thing is, you make ALOT OF MONEY. And that's cool that you do, but you are going to have a very very hard time finding a guy who can make the amount that you make or anything close to it.

And to be fair the money your husband makes isn't bad at all. . . I think you said 78k was his income right? That's more then a lot of people make by far. His income alone is above average.

But the difference is you want someone who spends and budget's responsibly, which he doesn't do. This isn't about the money comming in, it's about the money going out.

And the idea here is to get him to stop spending money like crazy and get on a responsible level of spending. And I think if he could do that, you would feel a lot better about the relationship.

But you must avoid at all costs any desires you have to cheat on your husband. It's understandable given the problems you have, but at the very least for your son's sake you should try to work out your marriage with your husband. Children are always the best off with two involved parents that are still together.

Helpme22 · Aug 17, 2012

Well today was my first day back at therapy. It's been awhile. New therapist so it's tough. I mean where do I start?!?

But what is interesting is that every time I tell my husband I'm going to therapy ...he changes. All of a sudden (an hour after I told him) he's texting to tell me he has a great night planned for me... He's So excited. It's this kind of thing that really angers me. He's like a kid on the verge of a sit out. And when no one is looking, he's changing back to the bad habits. He has done this every time.

The good thing is my new therapist is also a Lutheran pastor.

After I gave him the overview today, I could tell even HE was concerned about how my husband handles pressure.

mkgal1 · Aug 17, 2012

One thing that I would hope you would cling to right now is......adding in *another* guy into this equation is only going to add even more turmoil.
At minimum.....it would be a distraction from the real issues around you (which is going to only lengthen the process of healing).

Focus on getting yourself healthy (physically and emotionally).........care for your child....be a good employee.......and don't expect others (mainly men) to be the solution to your problems.

and

Romanseight2005 · Aug 17, 2012

mkgal1 said:
One thing that I would hope you would cling to right now is......adding in *another* guy into this equation is only going to add even more turmoil.
At minimum.....it would be a distraction from the real issues around you (which is going to only lengthen the process of healing).

Focus on getting yourself healthy (physically and emotionally).........care for your child....be a good employee.......and don't expect others (mainly men) to be the solution to your problems.

and

LinkH · Aug 17, 2012

mkgal1 said:
One thing that I would hope you would cling to right now is......adding in *another* guy into this equation is only going to add even more turmoil.
At minimum.....it would be a distraction from the real issues around you (which is going to only lengthen the process of healing).

Not to mention the real temptation to committing adultery, a crime so heinous God commanded the death penalty for it in the Old Testament.

If you see the building burning down around you, you don't sit around considering whether to get out or not. You RUN! Joseph RAN when Potipher's wife tried to get him to commit adultery. He didn't sit around considering how it would effect his emotional health and relationships.

LinkH · Aug 17, 2012

Luther073082 said:
The house is his to worry about then. Find yourself a small apartment or move in with someone for a while.

Stop eating out is a good idea, but some things have to be done to get this taken care of.

I think with a lease, isn't there usually a penalty that you have to pay for breaking it? If there is figure out what that is and if it's worth it in the long run.

But you guys are spinning your wheels and while not eating out is going to help things, I think your problems are way beyond that fixing much.

Where the heck do you live that his $78,000 a year salary barely covers rent? Talk about conspicuous consumption.

Helllloooooo? Do you see what you are doing? don't you remember the military couple a week or two ago?

There is a woman on the Internet, presumably that you don't even really know. You haven't met her husband. You heard only her side of the story, and only part of that-- and you are telling a married couple to separate? Are you a licensed counselor? If you would, would they revoke your license for doing this sort of thing?

If you are going to give advice, doesn't it make sense to advise them to go see someone who will talk to both of them who has some experience or training dealing with these sort of issues, rather than to advise her to move out on what little she has shared with you?

Every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof on the day of judgment.

This is this woman's life. It's a family's life.

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